imagine

new website

2010-10-24T11:53:00.002-04:00

please check out my new site

www.angelapearl.com

this blog didnt work out the way i wanted it to.

so i am making a fresh start on the new page.

i am really looking forward to it!

be well.

angela

Movinig to NYC! My "Apartment Wanted" ad...

2010-09-20T16:02:00.000-04:00

I am relocating from Michigan to NYC!

I will be moving early to mid-November 2010.

I am looking for safe, clean, pet-friendly housing from a studio to multi-room apartment / loft / house / condo / town house for approx $1,000 or less PER MONTH (per person) (depending on utilities that may or may not be included)

Brooklyn, Greenpoint, Williamsburg, Astoria, Lower East Side, Greenwich Village, East Village...

I am a 34 year old woman, straight, single and very independent.

I will be the only tenant (with my dogs).

Roommates - Could be an option, based on compatibility.

I don’t care about your Race, Sexual Preferences, Gender, etc... etc...

Just don’t be a jerk.

Please be at least 21 years old.

I am protective of my dogs so a roommate would have to be Animal-Friendly.

I have no children, but I do have my two dogters... they are "my kids". They are medium size, spayed, adult dogs (about 40 pounds). Fully house-broken and well behaved. I would be willing to discuss a pet deposit, if that would make you feel at ease.

I have all my own furniture. (I do have a storage unit, if necessary)

If you have any additional information you would like, I’d be more than willing to answer your questions. Just let me know! If you have a place for rent, I would love it if you could send me detailed information, including photos, about your rental property... that would be much appreciated! I have friends in the NYC area and I will be visiting to get things in order before my move in November 2010.

OR if you have/know a good landlord, know someone looking for a sublet or new rental, I would gladly take any information you could send my way!

Thanks so much for you consideration!

Be Well.

~Angela

why angela fly solo (for now)

2010-09-14T10:01:00.002-04:00

hey there punks and kittens~

i woke up to 3 more emails asking why do i go solo to comedy shows, music, movies... basically everything i do. well, because i cant let being single and alone keep me from doing what makes me happy! for so long i have suffered with depression and loneliness... and eventually it either kills who you are or you have to try to climb out. i am trying to climb out. i have tried dragging friends and family along with me to events that make me happy... but they are not always (actually, almost never) as enthusiastic about it as i was, or am. and while i enjoy spending time with my them, it just wasnt the experience either of us hoped it would be. they dont enjoy the entertainment i do, and/or they want to leave right after the show. i like to hang out and mingle and talk with the performers (when possible) and just plain be social. there are so many celebs that dont act like celebs. they just want to be "regular" people and they genuinely like to hang out, talk, and interact with their fans. and when you get a bunch of fans in the same room, even if the fans have never met, you are still like extended family. you are all there for the same reason, you have something in common... the love for the art you are about to experience. while introducing your friends and family to new stuff you like that they may not have been exposed to otherwise can be fun, it can also be somewhat of a downer if 20 minutes in you can tell they arent enjoying what you are head over heels about... then do you leave for them or do they stay for you? real bummer. so, i just decided to got it alone. i want to enjoy all that i can! i find it interesting that a few of the emails i have received in the recent past regarding my solo flights are from some of the same people that hated hearing all my depression spew. i would bitch and complain and be depressed all the time, cocoon myself in my house, not answer my door or phone... and so many people kept telling me "just get out of the house" ... "if you would just get out and do something with yourself you would feel better" ... and a hundred other comments like those. so now, i have started to actually live my life, and i am getting (what feels like) mild criticism because i am doing it all by myself. dont get me wrong, i have had a handful of vocal solo-supporters... but isnt always the bad apple that ruins the pie? (not sure why i said that, i dont even like apple pie!) anywhom... i do have a more extensive update i have been working on since i havent posted in ages and i keep getting emails. i appreciate all the love and support i do get! i just felt like this should be addressed right now.

i would like to add that it is not that i enjoy being single, i would LOVE to have someone i love that loves me and enjoy all these things together... but since i am single, i am trying to make the most of it!

i hope you all have a magnificent tuesday!

much love.

be well.

~angela

update... coming soon!

2010-09-08T22:33:00.002-04:00

working on a new post.

sorry it has been a while.

lots going on.

talk soon!

KaiYin - Surgery Consultation

2010-08-03T08:35:00.002-04:00

KaiYin has an appointment today in Fort Wayne, Indiana for a surgical consultation. If they decide on surgery, this will be her 7th. After recovery, she will have a couple months of doggie chemo/radiation (easier than the human stuff) and be cancer-free for about 5-6 years. She is 10 and a half now. I just want to make her life as pain-free as possible. so far she doesnt even know she is "sick". I wanna keep her that way! Please keep KaiYin in your puppy prayers! pooches smooches to you!

UPDATE: NYC Itinerary & still need a crash pad!

2010-08-02T15:09:00.002-04:00

Hey there Guys and Dolls~

Just wanted to post my itinerary and put out the word that I am *still* in need of a place or places to crash while I am in NYC for my birthday weekend! I only need a place to sleep, shower and such. I will *NOT* bring anyone back to your place! And please do *not* feel obligated to spend time with me. I understand that you all have real-life going on, and I will be in town for a min-vacation-birthday trip. I am honest, respectful and clean. If you or someone you know (and trust!) is willing and able to help me out, I would greatly appreciate it! Please email me if you have any questions and/or would like my phone number.

I hope to soak up all the live music and stand-up comedy I can while I am there! I will also be doing some mild neighborhood scouting since I will be moving to NYC (Brooklyn) around November this year! If you have any suggestions, advice, ideas... please do not hesitate to tell me!

I will be arriving in NYC Thursday August 12th and leaving Monday August 16th.
I will take a cab from the airport to "your place"... so don't feel obligated to pick me up!

Much Love.
Be Well.
~Angela

To NYC: Thursday, August 12, 2010

Delta Air Lines 4322
Depart: 5:50am South Bend, IN South Bend Regional (SBN)
Arrive: 6:55am Detroit, MI Detroit Wayne County (DTW)

Change planes. Time between flights: 0hr 35min

Delta Air Lines 1848
Depart: 7:30am Detroit, MI Detroit Wayne County (DTW)
Arrive: 9:15am New York, NY New York La Guardia (LGA)

Total duration: 3hr 25min | Total miles: 658 miles

From NYC: Monday, August 16, 2010

Delta Air Lines 1420
Depart: 5:30pm New York, NY New York La Guardia (LGA)
Arrive: 7:45pm Cincinnati, OH Cincinnati Cinci./Nrthrn Kentucky (CVG)

Change planes. Time between flights: 0hr 45min

Delta Air Lines 4294
Depart: 8:30pm Cincinnati, OH Cincinnati Cinci./Nrthrn Kentucky (CVG)
Arrive: 9:35pm South Bend, IN South Bend Regional (SBN)

Total duration: 4hr 5min | Total miles: 788 miles

i won't back down

2010-07-27T20:40:00.000-04:00

quick note... nyc birthday...

2010-07-27T18:43:00.003-04:00

just a quick note while i have sis's laptop.

i'm aiming for a long weekend in nyc for my birthday! i know most of you are thinking, "what the heck?! she's broke! how is she pulling off a trip to nyc?" well, i got a really good deal on airfare and i'm hoping to crash with a friend/friends, if at all possible, so i won't need to pay for a hotel.

i'm still trying to get moved to nyc this fall. but i just cant wait! i'm going crazy here and i need to get outta this town for a bit. while in nyc, i'm gonna be scouting apartments and such. i've had a decent flow of prospective buyers looking at my house recently. i'm hoping something goes through with the banks and i can get out of this house sooner rather than later. as it stands, i'm looking at november 6th to be out of the house. unless something with a buyer comes through before then. wish me luck! either way, i'm going to be sooo relieved to be out of here and *finally* in nyc! this move has been over 2 years in the making! hoping! dreaming! wishing! praying! it can't happen soon enough for me!

i'm still aiming to get a job with the aspca once i get to nyc and gain my residency. you have to be a new york resident to be employed with the aspca. to get my foot in the door, a friend of mine is willing to hook me up at one of his restaurants just so i have a job right away when i get there. granted, i didnt want to go back to serving... but i know it will only be for a short time until i get the job at the animal hospital. and i dont want to hear, "what if you dont get the animal hospital job?" because i will. i have no doubt. this is what i want to do and what i have been trying to accomplish for years now. it will happen. with all the bad that has been in my life, i really feel i am due for some good!

so, i will be in nyc thursday august 12 - monday august 16. if you or someone you know is in the nyc area and has a place i could crash, please let me know. i wont be there much. just need a place to sleep, shower, and such.

also, i am looking to sell my jeep. i will be sad to part with the baby beast, but it is necessary. i'll post more info later. if you or someone you know is interested in a 1994 jeep grand cherokee laredo that needs a bit of work... let me know.

i hope all is well with you and yours.
much love.
be well.
~angela

angela update

2010-07-20T11:34:00.002-04:00

whew! it has been a while since my last post! my apologies.
i still dont have home interwebbies hooked back up just yet. it is a luxury i just cant afford right now. today i have my sister's laptop for a few hours. for frequent and real-time updates, you can follow me on facebook and/or twitter.

so, i got a part-time job at jimi jo's ice cream shoppe. i only work a couple days a week. nothing major. but it helps with my utility bills. and i think it is also helping with physical therapy for my arms/wrists/hands. i really want to start playing my guitar. my friend ryan came over and showed me how to change the strings and such. i've just had a lot of randomness going on and havent been able to fully focus on guitar just yet.

what else?
uuummm...

im still trying to get this house sold. it is the only thing keeping me from moving to nyc at this point. foreclosure is november 6th. if i can sell it before then, that would be a huge relief... because if it doesnt sell and it goes into foreclosure, i'll have to file bankruptcy, and that will suck since my only debt is this damn house and some medical bills. i am 33 years old and have never had a credit card. i have tried to keep my credit as clean as i can. had a few people look at the house yesterday. and someone came by this morning (unscheduled) just looking around outside. i think they didnt know that someone is living here.

baby beast (jeep) is still in a coma. she needs a replaced fuel tank/pump/filter/gauge. but i dont have the money right now, so she is just sitting at ma and pa's house. i feel terrible that she is taking up space in their yard. but my friend that was towing her said he couldnt make the cut/turn with his flatbed to get her in my driveway. i really hate to give her up. i love that jeep. but at this point, with last year's accident (the deer that ran out in front of me) she was considered totaled and has a salvage title. and with all the money i have put into fixing her, i coulda bought something else. however... with all the work that has been done, she shouldnt have much else that can go wrong (knock on wood) so it would be silly of me to fix her all up and sell her for less. ya know? any suggestions are welcome! she is a 1994 jeep grand cherokee laredo.

KaiYin needs another surgery. she had a lump that showed up last year and i havent had the money to get it removed. it is the same place as all the other lumps that she has had removed (left hind quarter/ribcage area). they say that mast cell tumors usually recur in the same area. well, like i said, i havent had the money for her surgery ($2500) then when she heals from surgery they can do chemo/radiation ($3000) and then they said she should be fine for another 5-6 years. which, i hate to say, is probably all she has left. she is 10 years and 6 months now. but if i can make the last years of her life as happy and painless as possible, i will. you know i will. --side note-- chemo/radiation for dogs is not the same as humans. dogs do not get sick or lose hair. she would go in once a week for 4 weeks for pill/injections. then she would go in every other week for 12 weeks. then she should be done! the cancer should be all gone and not recur!

i am going this afternoon to talk to a financial adviser about the stocks i had with my previous employer. we didnt have "normal" 401k... we had stocks. so im gonna find out about diversifying and possibly taking money out from what i have in there for KaiYin's surgery. i was told that as long as i keep the money in stocks, the foreclosure bank cant touch it because it is considered retirement. im not sure if they will really care about $2500, but i cant sit by and watch my KaiYin get sick and possibly die. if they want to come after me for that, let them. i have the money there in stocks, and i'm not going to let some stupid fucking money-grubbers keep my KaiYin from getting the treatment she needs. if they may eventually foreclose on the house and come after me for $73,000... well, whats another $2,500... right?! i did all i could to make arrangements to save the house... and my real estate guy and i have done all we can to sell the house... but the bank has turned down every offer we have had from buyers. i dont know what they are up to, or why, but im tired of not having some kind of control in my life. the only reason im still here, and not in nyc yet, is because they said if i move before the house sells or forecloses, that it would be considered abandonment and they could sue me for the full amount of the house. so i am sitting here, in this empty house, all my stuff packed and in storage and ready to go to nyc!

blah blah blah... i could rant about this for hours! i wont bore you all with that.

so, i hope all is well with you and yours.
please keep me updated on yourselves as well!
much love.
be well.
~angela

quick note from angela...

2010-06-04T14:10:00.001-04:00

hey there punks and kittens~~

just wanted to let you know that my phone is scheduled to be temporarily disconnected today. i just cant afford it. so, i officially have no phone, internet, teevee --- or job! if you happen to know anyone hiring part time, full time, summer help, whatever, please let me know! greatly appreciate it! i will try to get to the library to check my messages... but my jeep is still broke down, so i'm walking or hitching rides (which are hard to come by).

fyi: a friend is letting me have a garage sale at their place during the lake templene lake-wide sales next week. i'll be in hickory hills subdivision (where i grew up!) at the house that sells the hand-made cambodian egg rolls every year!
saturday june 12 8a - whenever!

much love.
be well.
~angela

angela update #328,497

2010-05-19T21:11:00.000-04:00

monday i went to see a financial adviser about the stocks that i have sitting with my recently-separated employer. i was hoping to use that money to pay back some personal debts i've acquired while on unpaid medical leave, and for my move to nyc. however, i also wanted to make sure all the taxes were taken care of on that money (so i wouldnt get hit later), and i wanted to find out if the bank had authorization/access to garnish any of it due to my foreclosure. i found out that, yes, the taxes can be taken care of up front if i take a cash distribution. adviser also explained to me some investment options if i dont want to take a full cash distribution (which i dont). most of my questions about the foreclosure she wasnt sure about. but i had my appointment scheduled with the lawyer for tuesday, so i would just ask him.

tuesday, yesterday, i went to see the bankruptcy lawyer. i was there for over an hour. he was a very nice gentleman and explained everything very well. i was wanting to know why i have been suggested to file bankruptcy by so many people. i didnt know why, if i give the house back to the bank, why would i still owe them and have to file bankruptcy? back in high school when i worked for a car repo place i dont remember it being that way. we would show up on behalf of the bank and ask for the money or the vehicle. not both. anywhom. the lawyer said that it would be the bank's decision if i still owed them for the mortgage even after they would take the house. courts and lawyers have all been telling me that i have 6 months in the house - payment free - before they can legally evict me. so, until november 6, 2010. they all say that i should stay in the house as long as possible. i dont want to be here at all. while this isnt the way i had hoped to be out of this house, i keep trying to make something, anything, work. my realtor is still trying to get this house sold. he is still bringing in walk-throughs and hounding my bank guy to allow a short sale. the bank is just not being cooperative at all. i understand that i am not the only person that is going through foreclosure right now. i just dont understand why banks have to make it so difficult to redeem yourself. well, actually, i do know - money. plain and simple.

back to what i was saying. lawyer said that if i can get the house sold, that is the most ideal solution. i agree. however, if i dont get the house sold, and i turn it over to the bank, it is their decision if they want to come after me for the remaining mortgage. if they do, then since i obviously dont have $73,000 in my pocket, chapter 7 bankruptcy would be my best option. this all being discussed on the premise that i dont have a job right now. but i cant live this way. it was also explained to me that if i go out and get a better-than-decent paying job right now, if the time comes to file bankruptcy and i make more than is deemed low-income on their sliding scale then i would not be "allowed" to file chapter 7, i would have to file chapter 13. i'm told that a chapter 7 wipes your slate clean and a chapter 13 requires you to work with a budget and payment arrangements with your creditors.

oh yeah... and the thing with my stocks. while my stocks sit and i dont touch them they are considered retirement so the banks cant take anything. if i cash anything and the banks find out about them then they could be garnished. twisty twist - if i cash them out and repay my family for money i have borrowed, that is considered "preferred treatment". if i file bankruptcy within 1 year of repaying any family IOUs, then each family member will be sued for the money that i repaid to them. i am told that this is very common and not to take it lightly. that you and your family are asked under oath and bank records and everything are investigated. this is fucking ridiculous to me! completely ridiculous! seems like no matter how hard i try to make even the little things work, something spins out of control to ruin it.

so, i need this house to sell asap. then i settle up with the bank (even if it means i have to file bankruptcy for the balance of what the house doesnt sell for)... then take off to nyc.

or, as it stands now, i need to get a job that is just enough to pay for my utilities and such, until the house sells or my 6 months is up (whichever comes first). then, if it is determined that i need to file bankruptcy, i get all that taken care of as quickly as possible... then i'm off to nyc!

there are probably other tiny details in there that i am forgetting right now. feel free to ask me whatever you want to know. i was thinking about maybe taking on a housemate to help pay for things, but the lawyer said there are some technicalities with that as well. another option that the lawyer kinda shot down was if i just moved to nyc now, find someone to take care of lawn care, realtor keeps trying to sell the house, and i come back for either sale or foreclosure finalization. but lawyer said that if the bank wanted, they could deem that as "abandonment" and then i would look like i am trying to trick the system. i am not trying to trick the system. i told him that it is quite the opposite. i am asking about all of these scenarios because i *dont* want to get in trouble. i want to know what is and is not legal. for instance, i had no friggen clue that my family could be sued because i paid them back a personal loan. that is outrageous! who comes up with this shit?! so yeah, once i heard that, i started asking all kinds of "what if" questions.

like i said, the lawyer and i talked for over an hour. i wont detail everything here. but if you have questions, i'll certainly answer them if i can.

i know that a bunch of people think i am a negative thinker. that i am always a downer. if you are one of those people, i wish you knew me better. i am not a negative thinker. i am realistic. i know how hard i try and have tried. because i allow myself time to cry and feel and be depressed, doesnt mean i am a negative thinker. i realize that my problems are not as great as some other peoples' problems. but that doesnt, cant, discount how i feel or what i am going through. my stress and struggle and feelings are legitimate. some people would just give up on their dream and say, "fine, guess i'm never getting out of this town, i'll just stay here and settle." not me! i want to be in nyc. i want to work for the aspca and help save all the animals i can. i want to know that i didnt give up when so many people and situations tried to hold me back. i want to know that i did not compromise who i am.

whew. yeah, so. i suppose that is all for now.

i miss you all!
love you oodles and bunches!
be well.
~angela

angela update...

2010-05-14T17:14:00.000-04:00

hello my darlings.
i know it has been a while since my last update. there has just been sooo much going on, and without home interwebbies, full updates have been a bother to accomplish. however, i would like to say thanks to all of you that follow my facebook (http://tinyurl.com/angela-fb) and twitter (http://twitter.com/imaginebttrfly) for my mini-updates. especially thanks for all of your care, concern, and support! i love you all so very much!

i'm not sure how far back my last update was.

many of you know that i have been on medical leave for a year and the past 7 months of it has been UNpaid. blah blah blah. you know all that. well, as of sunday april 25th i was "separated" from the company i worked for (for 7 years!). this does not make me happy. i really feel like they kept wasting my time with paperwork and jumping through hoops until my medical leave time ran out. anywhom. so, i am now unemployed. sort of. my "employer" still has not updated my (un)employed status. therefore i am not able to take money out of my stocks (which i desperately need) and i am not eligible to file for unemployment. if they do not list me as inactive soon, then my grace period to file for unemployment will expire and i wont get any assistance. this is really pissing me off. while i have never been on unemployment and i never want to be, right now i dont have a choice, and they are screwing me over. again.

thursday may 6th was the day my house foreclosure started. ugh. i am not at all happy about this. i realize that i have done everything i could/can to save it, but i am still upset about this. i am $4,100 behind in house payments. i have the money in my stocks, but like i said, i cant get access to them right now. so i went to the foreclosure auction. no one showed up to buy it. i didnt figure anyone would. i still owe $73,000 on the house. most people buy the $10,000 houses and fix em up and sell em. that is not the case with mine. so... i am told the house will go back to the bank and that i will have 6 months to live there, payment free, before they can legally kick me out. while i dont want to be here until november, i am glad to know i have the time if i need it. i asked the lady at the courthouse about saving the house. i asked if i come up with the $4100 who do i call to pay it and keep the house? she said under NO circumstance should i give them ANY money. she said that to save the house at this point i would need the full $73,000!!! what the huh?! she said if i give them $4000 they will just stick it in their pocket and say, "okay, now you owe us $69,000 more". she said that i should talk with a bankruptcy lawyer. i have an appointment with him this coming tuesday. i dont understand why, if the bank takes the house, why do i still have to pay for the house? isnt that like a repo? give them the money OR the house? makes no sense to me. i'll get some answers next week, i suppose.

as i was getting out of the courthouse, i got a call from my real estate guy. he said there was an offer on the house. yay! so i was hoping if the offer was good enough, the bank would take the offer as a short sale and hopefully write-off the balance and i would be free and clear of the house! i was sooo hoping that would work. my real estate guy and i have been hounding my bank guy because he has been super beyond lazy with my house stuff. this never should have went to foreclosure. yet another piece of my life that is in ruins because of some incompetent ass that cant or wont do his job.

thursday evening my doorbell rang. no one rings my doorbell. 1) they know the dogs go crazy 2) most people know i dont like unannounced house guests, so they call in advance and i watch for them so the dogs dont go crazy at the doorbell! so... my doorbell rang. it was mr curnow. he lives kinda across the road from me. he has been a wonderful friend and neighbor. he brought me flowers! he said that he and his wife knew i probably had a rough day at the courthouse and would i like to go to dairy queen for an ice cream? of course! we sat there about 2 hours and talked and talked! it was a nice ending to a miserable day.

well, i got a note from my real estate guy that said this... “The buyer failed to qualify and as an added bonus, we were informed that she stole the earnest deposit and is now in trouble with her probation officer.....Lovely. “

yeah, "lovely" is right! for serious kids, i couldnt make this shit up if i tried!

thursday night the wilsons came to get stella for an overnight stay. they wanted to see how she would get along with their other lab and 2 cats. apparently they got along wonderfully because they asked to keep her the weekend to see how she would do with the grandkids.

friday morning i took my dad to the airport. i got back in town and really had stuff to accomplish. but i was sick and in miserable pain and just crashed. i managed to make myself presentable enough to go to my sis's first show for her new job. she is now a lia sophia jewelry sales person. i dont know what her title is to be honest. anywhom. i made it to her first show. then i went home and crashed again.

saturday i was absolutely in agony, but had to go get dogfood. doesnt sound like a big deal, but since KaiYin is on a special diet, i have to drive an hour to get the food. and it was storming. fabulous. so i did that. came home and crashed again.

ma called me about 9p and said that she really wanted to make it to virginia to see my aunt while she is still here. she has been extremely ill with cancer and pneumonia and was sent home saturday with hospice. ma and i scrambled to figure it all out... and ended up leaving about 130a driving from michigan to virginia. we got there sunday just after noon. we hadnt seen aunt nancy in about 18 years but she remembered us! while her body is giving out, her smile and heart and spirit have been hanging on! along with her wonderful sense of humor! she is absolutely precious. ma and i spent sunday and monday there. only left one time to get them some groceries. words cant explain how happy my heart was to be able to see everyone after all these years. technically they are my "great" aunts and uncles and 2nd cousins... but we never differentiated. we are family. that is all that mattered. and i am happy to have been there for them, even if it was only 2 days.

tuesday morning ma and i left to come back to michigan. we got back tuesday evening. literally as we were walking in the door at ma's house, my (step)dad was on the phone finding out that grandpa was being taken by ambulance to bronson hospital but they didnt know why. found out later that they thought he had a heart attack. (-fyi: we all call my stepdad's grandparents our grandparents) so, grandpa gets to the hospital and they run tests. they say yes he did have a heart attack and they ran more tests to decide about stints. well, the scans came back that yes he needs stints, but they would not be able to give him the necessary stint surgery because they found he has pancreatic cancer. now... grandpa has been going to the va hospital over the last few months and they kept telling him it was nothing, he is fine. now that he is at a "real" hospital, we are told he has pancreatic cancer and it has been there for a while. this is ridiculous! i dont understand how people can do this to each other! how can they know something like that and not tell him?! we are all human! we should be looking out for each other. helping each other as much as we can. i just dont understand. so, grandpa is 88 and grandma is 91. she has been staying at the hospital with him, and my ma and g'ma's daughters have been taking her back and forth home when needed. we still dont know anything more right now.

tuesday night was full of some very emotional family stuff that i wont be sharing online. all i can say is i cried myself to sleep with a banged up heart.

wednesday i dragged myself out of bed to get some groceries. as i pulled in at the grocery store, i smelled something funny, but thought it might be the van in front of me. when i parked and got out of the jeep the smell was crazy strong and i thought it was antifreeze so i popped the hood. didnt need to. once i walked around to the front of the beast i could see radiator fluid just flooding out. ugh. really?! so i called my handy-dandy maintenance guy, joe.
me: hey there. are you buys?
joe: sound like i'm about to be!
he came over and looked at it. said the radiator blew up and there was no way i could even drive it back to my house. lucky for me, he just got a flatbed trailer, so he said he would come back over and pick up the jeep and take it to his shop. he took me back to my place to get my father's car (i have his car since i dropped him off at the airport) then i went back to get groceries. oh joy.

KaiYin and i were up all night, sick and throwing up. i cant say it was anything we both ate, since i didnt eat dogfood and she didnt eat people food... but who knows. thunderstorms didnt help. Loki freaks freaks out so that was an added obsticle trying to sleep around/through/with.

thursday... yesterday... more family emotional stuff.

mr wilson called and said that they want to keep stella! they said that i can come visit her anytime i want! sounds like she is doing really well... i'm super happy for her!

friday... today... errands and laundry. made some appointments for next week with lawyers and financial advisors. fingers crossed.
joe called and said he can replace the radiator all parts and labor = $200. i dont have that. so he's gonna let me park the baby beast at his place until i can come up with the money.
now i am going to post this, then go over to ma's and watch a movie with her. not sure what movie she got.
after that, i have to drive (1 hr 1 way) to fort wayne airport to pick up my father getting back from florida/virginia. then i'm gonna get back and crash with my dogters!

thanks to all of you for your kindness, love, support, care, concerns... everything!
i love you all oodles and bunches!
much love.
be well.
~angela
no time to proof-read... gotta run!

medical leave update...

2010-04-16T10:29:00.001-04:00

so... no medical leave letter in the mail this morning. i called the medical leave appeal guy. guess i mis-remembered the date on the letter. "determintaion made on or before april 19" (not the 16) HOWEVER he said that it is not likely they will have a decision by monday, so he said monday the 19th they will issue me a notification letter that they will be taking an additional 45 days! i am waiting on a callback from employer about how this works since another 45 days puts me past my "seperation/termination" date of april 25. blargh. now i am off to therapy. prolly my last one since i am broke and my insurance is being canceled retro to february 1st. yippee.

i need some help...

2010-04-09T13:57:00.001-04:00

i suppose pretty much everyone knows by now that i am on medical leave. i have been on medical leave since april 2009. yeah, so, this month marks 1 year. however... while my application for extended medical leave has been in review, since september 2009, i have been on unpaid leave. yeah. unpaid leave for the last 7 months. i have applied over and over for state assistance, but because i am "technically" employed, they keep telling me i do not qualify for financial assistance. also, because i am employed, i do not qualify for unemployment or disability... even though i have not been getting paid. i was able to get food assistance thru the state. i get $50 a week. that was a bit of a relief to finally get that. but i have been denied for every other state program i have applied for.

i suppose i should get right to the point. i need some help with money. i hate asking for help, but i dont know what else to do. i have been selling stuff out of my storage unit for the last few months, but i really dont have much else to sell. my house is on the verge of foreclosure, but i am trying to get approved to sell it as a short sale before the foreclosure goes through. disconnected home internet since it is basically a luxury. i havent had teevee service for about 5 years. i got (another) extension on my phone bill - it is now due the 24th. my big scary thing is my health insurance. since i am on unpaid leave, i am responsible for my health insurance. kinda like cobra, but it is not cobra. anywhom. if i dont make the payments, they will retroactively decline my medical bills and i will be responsible for the full cost of those bills. i have only been able to make 2 of the 4 payments for my insurance. right now i owe $533.66 immediately and another $533.66 by the end of april. i have been trying to get the money together, but i only have a little over $100 right now. aside from asking for help from family and friends, i just dont know what else to do.

my employer's medical leave board said they would have a decision "on or before april 16, 2010". here is the thing... if they approve my extended medical leave retroactive to september 2009, i would get all that back-pay. yay! however, there is no way they will have the money issued to me in the next couple of weeks by the time i need it. on the other hand, if they deny me, then i will be retroactively separated/terminated/fired as of september 2009. the fact that they have taken 7 months to make a decision, and they are now down to the last 7 days before i am technically "separated" from the company, well, that doesnt give me positive vibes that this will work out in my favor. but, another way to look at this is that if i am denied and they terminate me, i will be able to get some of my stock money that has been frozen since i was put on unpaid leave. but that will take 30-60 days. so, either way i should get money coming to me... but either way, it wont make it here in time for me to save myself from health insurance cancelations, utility disconnections, and whatnot by the end of april.

so, currently i need to come up with $1,900 by the end of the month. i am not asking that anyone break their bank or take away from their family in order to help me. and i must say, if you are willing and able to help me, you will be added to my IOU list. i intend to repay every single penny i borrow. i am only asking for a loan. i am not asking for anyone to just give me money. okay? i want to make that super duper clear. if you know me at all, you know that i dont take asking for help lightly... i just dont know what other options i have. also, if you know me, you know that i will pay back everything i borrow... and if you ever need help, and i can help you, I WILL!

thanks for your consideration!
i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.
~angela

update - the final days

2010-02-25T12:28:00.001-05:00

so, today is thursday february 25th. my tentative termination date is in 2 months, april 25th. i have to have my medical leave appeal submitted by this coming monday march 1st... well, i need to send it by then... it has to be in their office by march 5th to allow them their 45 days to approve/deny my appeal. since i've had a lot of questions about this, i'll lay it out here.

i went on medical leave april 22, 2009.

i was on approved short-term medical leave until october.

then i got a letter that the leave center had incorrectly calculated my time off (they forgot to include the time i was off for my broken foot) so, in fact, i was not approved until october. mid-november they retro-ed my approval to end september 15th. so, as of mid-november, i was already a month behind to file for an extension. they allowed me to stay "attached" to the company pending my approval for extended medical leave. however, due to issues with getting medical records and leave applications filled out from doctors in a timely manner (the fault of the dr, not me), my medical leave extension was denied. the company sent me information needed to file an appeal. so, since october 2009 i have been trying to file my appeal. i have been gathering all the medical documentation and records i can. but for some fucked up reason, this has not been easy. i have seen 16 doctors during this whole thing. i have filled out release forms at every location... but still dont have all my records. and i have been very very vocal about needing this information in order to keep my job. one office sent me 88 pages of medical records! yay! oh, wait, there were a ton of dictation errors/typos... so i had to return the records for corrections. i am told i can pick them up tomorrow, friday, when i have an appointment there. i just hope they are correct now. another dr office gave me records, but they, too, had serious errors. i took those back to be corrected. about a month ago. and i still dont have the corrections yet. i have an appointment with them, as well, tomorrow... so i am hoping they will have them corrected and ready when i show up for my appointment... but when i called this week, they still were not there. i think i am having issues getting records from one hospital in particular due to the terrible problems i had with one of their neurologists. i saw a second opinion neurologist, that told me to give him a week to write up something for me to give to my employer and the cleveland clinic... that was on monday february 1st. i still have nothing from his office and his assistant has not returned my phone calls. blah blah blah... i wont detail the issues with every single dr office and hospital. i just honestly dont understand why this is happening!?

so, i have written my appeal letter to be submitted with my medical records. i have written it with the understanding that i dont have everything the leave center has asked me for. i am pleading with them to allow me extra time. but april 25th will mark one year that i have been off work.

i have an appointment with the cleveland clinic, but they couldnt get me in until march 25th. they told me to plan on being there 3-5 business days. the 25th falls on a thursday. which means i would have to be there about a week for testing. i have no idea how i am going to afford travel, hotel, food... out of town for a week. the accommodations thru the clinic are actually more expensive than a regular hotel. not to mention, cleveland clinic requires i have 2 full years of medical records. fuck! i cant even get my records for the most recent 10 months! cleveland clinic is willing to reschedule me for a later time... but i was attempting to use my appointment with them to get the answers i need (a diagnosis) and be able to keep my job.

for those of you that have said "why dont you just go back to work? show them you cant do the job because of your restrictions."
1) they will not let me return to work with any restrictions. i have to return to work full time, full duty.
2) i cant return to work until this extension has been approved. as far as they are concerned, i have been on unapproved leave since september. so in order to return to work, i need to get my time off from september 2009 to current, approved... then be able to return to work full time, full duty by april 25th.
3) i dont have a specific job anymore. after i had been gone for 6 months, they back-filled my position. so when i am able to return to work, i will have to apply online for an open position, interview, and be awarded the job.

i just dont see how this is going to work.

i have been unpaid since september. borrowing from family and friends, selling stuff outta my storage unit...etc. my house is in forbearance... but i am having a difficult time getting an extension on that as well. basically a forbearance is the bank gives you an approved amount of time that you can NOT pay your mortgage and they will not foreclose on you. my forbearance ends februaury 28th. i have been calling, literally, every single day since the last week of january. i called and emailed and faxed to my rep carrie jackson. her voicemail says "if you need immediate assistance, please hang up and call this number..." so i would leave her a message, then hang up and call the other number to tell a random customer service person that i just left another message for her. after a month of this, last week i was told "carrie jackson doesnt work here anymore" -- what the fuck?! i explained my frustration and asked who i needed to speak with then. i was told patrick mullholland. so they transferred me to him... i got his voicemail. i have called every singe day, and still not one person has called me back. i call the direct line then the customer service line. every single day. i called this morning and the girl that answered said the lines are full, but she can take a message and have someone call me back. i told her i have been calling for over a month and no one has called me back one single time. i listed all the names. she said that doesnt make sense to her because all messages are tracked to be sure the reps are calling back. i gave her my info, and she assured me that someone would call me today.

when i got my tax refund i paid all the bills that i could. i paid my jeep insurance for 6 months. i went to the agency office. made my payment. was told i now have a zero balance. they gave me a receipt. i left. well, a couple weeks later i get an overdraft letter in the mail from my bank. i only had $6.92 in there since december... so i had not been using that account. as soon as i read the letter, i rushed to get online to see what happened. my insurance company had taken an automatic withdrawal out of my bank account for a monthly payment. i called the local agency and she called the home office and they said while it was an unfortunate situation, they would not refund the payment or reimburse the overdraft fees. keep in mind, they know all about my medical leave not getting paid situation. i wouldnt take that. so i called the home office myself. i kept leaving messages, until finally someone called me back. she said she needed a list of letters and documentation and bank statements... basically trying to overwhelm me into not doing it. well, little did she know i am the queen of paperwork at this time in my life! i got all i could and emailed her copies of all of it. she was surprised and threw up a couple more hoops for me to jump thru. at the time i talked with her, my overdraft fees were $97 and the bank was willing to retract $48.50 (half) because they felt bad for me. but i needed to get insurance to reimburse the other $48.50. i explained to insurance that there is a daily overdraft fee, and the longer they take to pay me, the more they will be forced to pay, because i would not let this slide. they claim they have put a check in the mail. but i dont know for how much.as of this morning, my account is overdrawn $81.58. so they have taken so long, their half has doubled. anywhom... so that is just one more thing i am dealing with.

blah blah blah... i know you all dont want to hear me bitch and complain. i dont want to be bitching and complaining! it's just that there is nothing else going on in my life right now... so i have nothing else to talk about. if anyone has any brilliant ideas, please feel free to share them! i'm down to the wire here. i've called lawyers and everyone i can think of, and while they all agree my situation sucks, there is nothing they can immediately do for me. and if i do get fired, i have not been able to find a lawyer to represent me either because they represent my employer in some way, or they wont take my case since i dont have a specific diagnosis.

okay. i suppose that is enough venting and sharing for now. i'll keep you posted on the outcome.

oh yeah! last, but not at all least, Loki seems to be doing well since her run-in with the car. (no pun intended). she has 1 day of meds left, but she is already back to her old crazy self! she is, however, a bit hesitant going to the driveway when i take her outside. and while it sucks all this happened, maybe it will make her more aware of her surroundings. i'm just glad she is alive and here with me!

i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.
~angela

angela update junk

2010-02-08T23:08:00.004-05:00

well, i dont think i have updated since my appointment with the 2nd opinion neurologist on monday february 1st. 2nd neuro says he cant help me. says that he doesnt think my pain is from anything neurological. but he also said that with the range of problems, he's not sure he could even suggest what specialty doctors i should try next. i asked him if it would help if i started coming back to the er when my tremors and other symptoms flared up. he said no. he said i have been in the er enough and that the er is not going to give me the specialized attention i need. so he is sending me back to the pain clinic. that was last monday at the neuro. i had an appointment friday at the pain clinic with my pain psychologist.

thursday i got my tax refund. i ran around and paid a ton of bills. i was actually happy to be able to pay bills for once! odd, i know. then i came home thursday evening to find a bill in my mail for my november 2009 - current medical insurance through my employer. lovely. $533.66 per month. so, roughly $1500. fabulous! it was too late in the evening to call, so i called first thing friday morning, before my pain psych appointment. i was told that while i am in the medical leave extension appeals process, and on unpaid leave from my employer, i am responsible for my own insurance. aaand... if i dont pay the insurance premiums by february 20th, my benefits will be retro-denied and they will retract all of the benefits' payments they made, and then i will be responsible for my complete medical bills since november. what a lovely way to start the day. but i need to get to my friday morning appointment... so i go.

i get to my appointment, and before i even check in, i tell them i would like to make a payment on my bill. they ask how much. i said $100. handed him the money. the guy takes my money, pulls up my account, and says "uuummm... i'll be right back." he comes back and tells me that i have a past due account. i said yes, i know this, that is why i am making a payment. my appointments there are considered outpatient, so i dont have a co-pay... it is always a percentage of whatever procedure i have done. i have been making payments when i can, so i thought i was fine. anywhom... he goes on to tell me that they will not schedule any more medical, occupational or physical therapy appointments until my bill is paid in full. fabulous. i ask how much it is... he hands me a stack of papers... $1100. yippee. grand. splendid. i take a seat in the lobby as i wait for what i imagine is going to be my last appointment in their office.

i get in with my pain psych. she says that she is billed separately, so she will continue to see me and she and i can work out our own payment arrangements. she says that she doesnt think i can handle any further rejection and that she really thinks i should keep seeing her on a regular basis. i completely agree. she is by far my favorite psych. believe me, i have seen plenty... she is wonderful!

so... my dilemma.

i need to pay $1100 asap in order to keep seeing my pain clinic doctors. not only do i need to figure me out, but i am going to need them to help me fill out tons of paperwork for my entry to the cleveland clinic. however, i need to pay $1500 by february 20th in order to keep my insurance to even be eligible to see these doctors... let alone go to cleveland clinic. and i have to be able to continue to pay $533.66 a month. on no income. how is it they cover your benefits while you are paid... then when you are in hardship they throw you on unpaid leave and tell you that you are responsible for all of your own benefits?!?! gaaa!

obviously, friday i was a wreck. i tried calling more lawyers... but no one is helpful. they are telling me my situation is not malpractice (the issue that all of this started when dr mahmood screwed up my medical leave application and got my leave denied). it's not criminal law. and other lawyers either represent my employer in some way, so the cant represent me... or they wont take my case because i dont have a specific diagnosis. what's a girl to do?!

i got home friday afternoon and went to bed. i had cried aaalll day and my head was going to explode.

saturday i got some medical records in the mail. i have put in requests for my medical records to every doc i have seen. only one has responded. well, saturday i got a ton. 88 pages to be exact. i started reading some of them. wonderful. there are dictation typos and errors that work against me. no wonder i have been having so many issues with my appeal! it's the weekend. i cant do anything about it. so i dont bother reading the entire thing. i'll worry about it monday.

monday (today) i call around to find out what i am suppose to do to get these errors corrected. they tell me that i can go thru all of the records, sticky note what needs correction, and bring them back to be amended. i wont bother detailing how their process works... but they said it will take a couple of weeks. i have to have all of my medical records and letter of appeal submitted in 3 weeks.

i know everyone keeps telling me to stay positive and all that junk... but i just dont know how this is going to work out. i dont know how to save my job. even if i get fired, i still have to pay the $1500 for insurance not to retract their payments. i should be worrying about getting better... not saving my job. i've been there 7 years. no one is helping me. actually, i feel like some of them are working against me. i'm getting emails and calls from my real friends saying that people i work(ed) with have been bad mouthing me like crazy. they think i'm faking it. they see me getting groceries or at the bank or something and since i'm not in a body cast, i must be faking. *grumble*blargh*grrr*

i have been getting a bunch of emails and notes and calls that i should read the bible and give my problems to god. really?! i have never taken to this way of thinking. i'm not judging my friends and family that do. please dont find this insulting. i just want to understand. if reading the bible really helped, wouldnt more people do it? my problems arent hot potatoes. i cant just "hand them over to god" and be like, "hey, i dont want these anymore, you can have them" and then everything is happy happy joy joy. so what is it "believers" see that i dont? PLEASE dont get me wrong. i do believe in god and/or a higher power. and i am not looking to be saved or born again. i think i was born okay the first time. i just want to understand.

"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion." Abraham Lincoln

"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." Dalai Lama

well, i hope you all know that i love you dearly and appreciate all of your support and concerns, hopes, well wishes, thoughts, prayers, vibes... etc...

much love.
be well.
~angela

nightmare with a pleasant ending

2010-01-27T11:46:00.001-05:00

i had yet another round of nightmares last night. one of them i was caught in the middle of a fight with a family that were neighbors to my family. now, these people dont exist in real life. it was not a family that i recognized physically, but that does not mean that each person did not represent someone i probably know. anywhom. what i want to tell about the dream is this... there were about 5 bad neighbor family members on our porch. we were yelling back and forth. i was yelling for them to leave. then everyone got quiet and kinda parted in the middle, and john cusack was standing there. with that sweet sad loveable look about him. he and i hugged. i said "hey" and he said "hey you". somehow he was a relative of bad family and they got all up in arms about my being friends with him and not them. we just kept hugging. he said to me "in thousands of years, i will still love you." and i replied "just like i did thousands of years ago." then i woke up. i had this feeling not that he and i were boyfriend and girlfriend or spouses, but that we had been friends for lifetimes beyond. i needed that hug.

the good and bad of yesterday

2010-01-26T13:15:00.002-05:00

i've been getting tons of inquiries wondering what happened yesterday in ANGELAnd. here goes.

i once again woke to make a million and one phone calls, emails and faxes that would never be returned. that is the case with pretty much everything i have tried to do during my medical leave. this is the basic rundown... since i have a bunch more stuff to do today...

still no word from the lawyers that were suppose to call me last wednesday.

still getting nothing but voicemails when i call to get my medical records to submit for my medical leave extension appeal that is due by march 5th.

i finally got a hold of someone to request information about what happens if my appeal is denied. he was not able to actually answer my questions, but he was the first person to tell me he could make "tickets" for each of my requests and i should get a callback within 2 business days. so i did all that.

i'll explain something first, then tell you what my questions were...

first, i finally got a 2nd appointment with the new neurologist. the one that jacked up my appointment on january 4th ---read about that here--- i will see the new neuro, dr jewett, on monday february 1st at 1145a in the three rivers office for my 2nd consultation.

then i was finally able to get registered with the cleveland clinic. i had never heard of them before, but from what i am told they are similar to mayo clinic. they are sending me a packet to complete, and i have to come up with my past 2 years of medical records... this should be fun. i've been having enough problems getting my medical records for only the last 8 months! anywhom, cleveland clinic has my intake appointment for thursday march 25th at 10a. they told me to plan on being seen a minimum of 5 business days for tests and doctor consults galore. kinda sucks they are starting me on a thrusday, since i will have to pay for my own hotel, and throwing a weekend in there is just 2 extra nights, when i dont even know how i'm gonna afford the other 5.

here is the downside... and the questions i asked about my medical leave appeal...

the appeal board will take 45 days to approve/deny my appeal for medical leave extension. without approval, my termination date is april 25th. so i have to have my entire appeal submitted no later than march 5th. however, i dont have enough of my records right now, and it's not looking like i'll have them by march 5th... the cleveland clinic info could help my appeal, but my appointment isnt until march 25th. so what i am trying to find out is...

what happens if my first level appeal is denied, and i am fired as of april 25th? i do not have time before april 25th to file a second level appeal. so, would a second level appeal, after the fact of being fired, but also containing my cleveland clinic information, would that save my job? or would that only allow me retro pay for what i was entitled while i was still employed? and, if i do get fired, will i be retroactively billed for all of my medical that insurance has paid while i have been in appeals since september? that would be at least 5 months of medical bills that insurance has already covered... but would they hold me responsible for it after the fact?

after a terrible morning of phone calls that seemed to be going nowhere... i got 2 packages! one was from my best friend, jess! she and i have a shared art journal that we scribble in and send back and forth to each other. well, not only did i get the journal, she also sent me 3 fully-loaded cds that she made for me! i've only listened to the 1st cd so far... but her music choices are brilliant! so that made me feel all warm and fuzzy! theeen...i go another package! a few months ago, when i had a bit of money, i ordered a hoodie from the pablove foundation. they had my stuff on backorder and backorder and backorder. well, i got my stuff yesterday after getting my package from jess! yippee!

theeen... my actual snail mail showed up. i got my tax forms! heck yeah! aaand... i FINALLY got my food assistance from the state! they never called me back, and i had filed a complaint online, but i dont really care what happened on their end... i got my food assistance! they only retro-paid me $36 for october/november/december combined, but my current amount is more reasonable! i have never had to receive assistance before. this is all new to me. and while it feels good to know i can by myself groceries, it is kinda bittersweet.

last night i went to the grocery store. it was so twisted. i was happy to be getting groceries, but i was seriously holding back tears when i would have to ask a clerk "is this covered on the food card?" the state does not send you a letter or anything telling you what you can and cant buy, but there is stuff not covered, and i have zero money and didnt want to be standing at the cash register, embarrassed because i couldnt pay a balance for stuff that was not covered. in addition to necessities, i only bought 2 treats. i got my chai tea mix... and i got this braid of mozzarella cheese that is marinated in olive oil, garlic, peppers, and tons of other spices. i always look at it, but have never ever bought this cheese before, because it is $6 for 8 ounces. but i bought it for myself as a treat. and i am crying now as i tell you that. but i deserve it dagnabit!

so, this morning i made my usual phone calls. then i went and had my taxes done. i only worked about 3 and a half months in 2009... and i was only paid for 5 months of medical... so the leftovers, i'm not sure how that all works. i guess they just write it off as no income. however, i have not been able to make a house payment for 4 months, so i was worried they would garnish any refund i had, but they didnt. *sigh of relief*. i was told i should have my refund on or around february 10th.

i want to add a thanks on here to the folks that have helped me, or offered to help me, with getting food for my dogters. i am not sure if it is appropriate or not to "name names"... but you know who you are! my dogters and i are very very appreciative. and i have had tons of other offers from friends and family to be added to my list of go-to people if we need anything else! thank you from the bottom of my heart! this really means so very much to me!

and now, i need to finish up my time here at the library. the above portion was written at my house, but i was in here earlier to print off some tax stuff, and a couple of minutes ago i heard one librarian telling another that i had been here, online, once already this morning. but it was only for about 15 minutes... so i should be allowed to come back for my remaining 45!

i hope your tuesday is magnificent! please keep in your thoughts and prayers all those less fortunate than you. while i know that i am having a rough time, i do know that it could be much worse. and thanks to you for all of your love and support and thoughts and prayers!

i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.
~angela

quick note!

2010-01-25T15:45:00.002-05:00

ZOIKS! sooo much happened today! good and bad! since i'm at the library now, i dont have time to write it all... so i'll write at home tonight, save to my memory stick, and come back to library tomorrow to post it! keep your eyes peeled! this'll be good!

black dog update!

2010-01-23T12:25:00.001-05:00

i've been on medical leave for almost 9 months now. you would think i'd have figured out by now that a dognap at 6p lands me wide awake at 1a. yes, i missed the 9p doggie dinners, but they slept right through it, too!

so it's 1a now and i figured i would write.

(hopefully) by the time i post this, black dog will officially/temporarily be "mine". i have been holding off about the details, because the guy that "owns/owned" her is someone that works at the same place as me, and we know a bunch of the same people, and i wanted to wait and see how this would all work out. i found her in my yard saturday (the 16th) morning just after 9a. you can read those details here. well, i put an ad in the paper and on craigslist and a "found dog" sign in my front yard. monday and tuesday i started getting some crazy phone calls of people that were very obviously not the owners, claiming to be the owners. "it's a black dog. i dont know what breed it is. i'm not good with dogs like that." yeah, then she is not yours... and if she was, youre not gettin' her back!

tuesday i got a ton of phone calls from this guy saying it was his brother's dog. but he didnt have too many details and his brother was at work. i told him just to have his brother call me when he got out of work. tuesday came and went and no phone call from the supposed dog owner. i also received some email conversation with a lady that works with the supposed owner. she said the guy's dog is always getting out and he has talked about finding it another home. she said she would talk with him at work. wednesday came with another phone call from brother, but the owner still never called. finally, thursday i got an email late in the day from the lady co-worker that, yes, this guy's dog was missing. so, this guy knows that on saturday is dog went missing. and his brother had been calling me and him, a lot, saying "i know this is his dog"... yet the owner waited until thursday night to call me. he knew for 3 days that i had his dog. i live about 4 blocks from him and he had my phone number.

owner calls. we talk for a bit. i tell him i work the same place as him and we kinda figure out if we might know each other. i work 3rd shift at one end of the plant and he works days at the exact opposite end of the plant. we talk for a while, and i suggest a few times that he can come to my house or i can bring her to his house. he kinda slides out of responding to that by talking more about the dog. he had 2 dogs, and 1 died a while back and he says this dog has been crazy since then. he puts her in the yard (which he claims has a vinyl fence) and she digs her way out. when she got out saturday, he had put her in the yard for the day while he was at work.

let me pause right here to say it was in the fucking 20*s that day! and he was going to leave her out there for 10 hours?!

okay, back to topic. since i am past the point of making this long story short... he kept making comments like, "you have dogs? maybe they want a friend." and "you can keep her if you want." and "are you sure you dont want her?" ... finally i said, "are you serious?" i told him i have 2 dogs of my own and i cant own 3 within the city limits, but that i would gladly keep her until i could find her a new home. i didnt want him taking her back just to throw her in the yard again and she gets out again and gets hit by a car or something. i would be miserable. i said i have some good leads on a home for her. and he said that would be fine. he said, "well, she has an appointment on saturday. i was gonna get her shots." i was like, ooohhh great, what is wrong with her? he claims she is due for he annual shots. i told him i have been on medical leave for 8 months and i cant afford that expense. he actually offered to pick her up 9a saturday (today), take her to get her shots and license, and bring her back to me. i said, "well how do you want to do this? would you like to come over and see her or i can bring her over so you can say 'goodbye' or something?" he said no, he would just see her on saturday. and that was basically it.
i got off the phone flabbergasted that he wouldnt want such an amazing dog... but relieved that 1) i didnt have to keep looking for her owner, but most important, that i knew she would be with me and be loved until i could find her a forever family.

then i got to thinking. he could easily just pick her up from my house saturday, drive her around for a bit without getting her shots, then bring her back and i wouldnt know. except i would, because she needs her vaccine records to get a license.

friday, yesterday, a friend gave me $25 for doggie food. i went to walmart (where i usually go) but they had raised their prices... again. so i went to kroger. i dont go to kroger, but i wanted to see if they were any cheaper. not much. but they did have KaiYin's food in stock. walmart didnt. as i was standing there staring at mountains of dogfood realizing that $25 would cover my 2 dogs for a week, but no way in hell it was gonna feed this dog, i decided to call the owner. i told him i am broke and cant really afford to feed 3 dogs right now, and i am standing in the dogfood aisle to get my dogs' food, could he please bring me the food he has for black dog? he said he would bring it on saturday. i tried to make it clear that i needed it friday, but he was insistent he would bring it when he picked her up saturday morning. that's when i said, "well, i wanted to talk with you about that. i can just meet you at the vet at 9a. not a problem. the vet you go to is by my ma's house and i'm taking her to meet my ma after she is done anyway." he was like, "nah. i only live a couple blocks from you, i can pick her up." but i insisted i would meet him there. and really, what can he do? i've got her. i'll leave early and wait there, that way he doesnt cut me off in my driveway. i need to make sure she has her shots!

so, that is that for now. it is 230a saturday morning and i need to meet him at 9a at the vet across town. i'm not trying to look down on this guy or talk bad about him. i'm not going to tell you his name, since we do in fact know a bunch of the same people and work at the same place. but i will say, no matter who you are or who you know, you can figure it out for yourself that it sucks that someone that has "owned" a dog for at least 2 years, a dog that is extremely well-behaved and affectionate, it sucks that that person would know their dog is gone for 3 days, then for 3 additional days they know the exact house it is at only 4 blocks away from their home, and the phone number, but they dont call to check on the dog. that just breaks my heart. i am so happy that black dog is (fingers crossed) going to be staying with me. even if just for a little while. i know that she will be well loved and taken care of here. and i know that i will find her an outstanding home with a happy doggie life and family.

1136a
wow! this morning seemed to take forever! i got to the vet about 845a. he was suppose to meet me there for her appointment at 9a. the receptionist came out to see if i was dropping her off for her bath. i said no, i thought she was getting shots... and that i have already given her 2 baths at my house. i explained the situation, and the girl was very understanding. "owner" didnt show up until 930a! her appointment was at 9a! ha came in, didnt really pay much attention to black dog, then he said he just wanted to pay and leave. he didnt want to stay for the appointment itself. well, there was still 10 minutes left on her fecal test to see if she has worms. if she had worms, it would cost more for her meds. so they asked him to wait at least 10 minutes. reluctantly, he went in to the exam room with me and black dog. that was super uncomfortable! i was trying to be civil and not say much, but i was really bothered with the entire situation. buuut... *he* is paying for her shots to be updated, so i had to be thankful for that since i have no money. i just had to stick it out.

vets came in, no worms, which meant no meds, so they gave her her shots and we went out to pay. he paid for everything and we transferred her license to me. we walked out, i got the leftover dogfood he had (not much at all) and we went our separate ways. i was sooo relieved that she was sitting in my jeep with me as he drove away. he did say that if i dont find a home, call him, and he might take her back. but it didnt feel sincere. maybe he's just a guy that doesnt show emotions well, i dont know. but i can guarantee i'm going to find her the bestest home ever! until then, i know that she is being loved and cared for all the time!

when i kept waking all night last night, at one point i was trying to clear my head. so i cleaned out the few boxes that were in the spare room and moved black dog upstairs. i am more comfortable with this now since she has her shots. but now she is upstairs with us, has a warm bed and toys and windows to look out and tons of love. i know there doesnt seem to be anything else i could say... there is... but i really dont have time! ma is picking me up at 430p today to go see one of her friends. so i need to get this done, save it, go up to the library, post this, check my emails, back to the house to shower and eat (assuming i can hold something down), do another round of doggie potty walks, then it will prolly be time for ma to get me.

i want to thank all of you that have been and still are willing to help me and my dogters! (here come the tears) i know i always have something to say, and words seldom fail me, but i just cant express to you how much it means to know and feel loved and supported. especially by some people you hardly know... or you havent seen in years! it means so very much to me and i could never thank you enough. i love you, love you, love you all! and not just for the dogfood! but i think you know that!

my dogters send you all pooches smooches!
much love.
be well.
~Angela, KaiYin, Loki, and "Black Dog" (until we get a new name!)

angela update-ish and request for dogter help

2010-01-22T15:03:00.003-05:00

by now, most of you know that my home internet was disconnected. i couldnt pay the bill. i suppose it is a luxury anywhom. the library only allows 1 hour internet access per person per day. so what i decided to do is write on my home computer word program, save it to my memory stick, then just post it real quick at the library, therefore saving quality internet time! i'm such a smart cookie!

i have been checking email on my phone. there is a lag time on when my yahoo account will update on my phone. i havent figure out the specific amount of time. just wanted you to know that i dont get all the emails right away. aaand, internet on my phone drains my battery, so there's that, too.

last night i went to bed super early since i had to be up at 6a to make it to my early dr appointment in kalamazoo (1 hour drive 1 way). i barely slept. i was up about twice an hour every hour. no exaggeration. and of course, the more you *try* to sleep, the less likely you are to be able to sleep. tooo many thoughts and tooo much pain.

no new news with the docs. a couple weeks ago they did another blood draw to retest some labs they have been doing on a regular basis. not all of my blood work is back, but what has come back all came back "normal". whatever that means at this point. i'm not sure they even know.

found black dogs owner. i cant release many details right now. i'll be able to share more after this weekend. but i do know that it looks like i am keeping her. i'll fill you in on the details when i am at liberty. i know this may be a lot to ask, especially since i havent given you the complete details of the situation, but i need to ask my friends and family to please help me with dog food. if i only have bread and water, that is for me to deal with. i understand. my dogs dont understand. i realize that taking on a 3rd dog (just until i find her a forever home) might not be the smartest idea if i am having trouble keeping food for my own 2 dogs. but i know, without a doubt, that she will be much happier and get so much more love and attention with me. and in a way, it helps me. i cant do anything right now. i havent been able to do anything. (apparently i cant even write this without tears) i cant fold laundry or brush my teeth or wash dishes... etc... without increasing pain. but just being able to sit with my dogs, and black dog, and let them know they are loved and i will do anything for them... it helps me feel needed and feel like i am doing something. even if it is just sitting with a dog and letting it know i care. so i am asking for help to get some dogfood for these 3 girls. KaiYin is the only one with a specific diet. i dont have money for her white rice and cottage cheese diet that the vet recommends. but the only dogfood that hasnt yet upset her tummy (we've tried them all) is the purple bag, dry food, iams active maturity for 7+ years old. the other two, Loki and Black Dog, they dont care what they eat.

i know things are tight for everyone these days. and i dont want you feeling pressured or obligated to help us. if you want to make a "loan" and not a "donation" just let me know what i owe you. believe me, i have an IOU list that i can add you to! and I WILL PAY YOU BACK! IF I OWE YOU MONEY, I WILL PAY YOU BACK!

i've received a few emails and comments during conversation that i would like to clear up.

one is "at least there are always credit cards". this is not the case for me. i am 33 years old and i have never had a credit card. so i am not able to "get by", without a paycheck, on credit cards, like some people do. i havent had a paycheck since september. closing in on 5 months without a dime of income or government assistance. believe me, i've tried! read my previous posts if you would like to know more. what i am trying to say is this, if i dont have cash, i dont have any money. now, i am not trying to make you feel sorry for me. i have been trying to sell stuff from my house and storage unit to make some cash to pay bills. i few of my friends and family have helped when they can, but like i said, times are tough for everyone. even if you cant afford to help me, if you know someone looking for a fridge or stove or something, send them my direction! that's enough for me! hell, if you know someone looking to buy a house, even better!

another comment is a wide range, but "at least you dont have to go to work" is the underlying message. i would love to be able to work right now! i never thought i would be saying that! this is not a vacation for me! in the hopes of selling my house quickly, i put everything into storage. so now, this house is pretty much empty. all that is here is the dining set i am trying to sell, my nephew's old twin bed that the dogs and i sleep in, and my teevee (which i am also trying to sell). i literally only have a suitcase of clothes. everything else i own is in storage! everything! my teevee only gets 2 channels, pbs and travel channel. big woop. i'm not a teevee addict anywhom. but with nothing else to do, the limited options suck. and now that i dont have internet, i'm almost completely disconnected. so i sit here, all day and night, alone with my dogs, me in pain, with tooo many thoughts in my head. this is not a vacation. this is miserable. with my hand / arm / shoulder pain and limitations, i cant hand-write or draw much at all. defiantly not able to attempt guitar pickin. and i havent been able to make any of my hand-bound journals to sell. i'm stuck.

i'm drowning. and i dont expect any of you to float in a cruise ship and sail me away... but if anyone has a life preserver, i would greatly appreciate it!

right now the help i am asking for is dogfood. did i mention that?! sorry if i am dragging this out.

i keep my heat down and just layer on the clothes. i have just about every blanket and sheet that i own on the bed so my dogters and i can curl up and keep warm together. they are like my little space heaters! i dont do laundry until i have a full load. i wear layers and layers of clothes. stocking hats, gloves and scarves at all times. i use as little water as possible (unless my pain is really really bad then i take a hot shower to help ease it a bit). i dont want anyone to think i am being frivolous. i dont want you to think if you loan me money i'm going out to eat or clothes shopping. i just need enough to get by.

i am hoping to get my tax stuff in the mail next week. since i only worked about 4 months last year, and the remaining pay i did get was medical pay, and i didnt get any pay from september - current, i dont know what is going to happen when i file my taxes. i cant imagine i will owe anything... but i also havent been able to make a house payment for 4 months. do they garnish any of that from my tax refund? i dont know how all of this works. i have never been in a situation like this before.

well, i am going to stop for now with my sob story. gonna run this up to post online at the library. then home to curl up with my dogters and take a nap (since last night's slumber was a failure).

thanks again and always for your support and love and thoughts and prayers and vibes and smoke signals and everything. if you need my phone number or address for any reason, let me know, or get with someone who prolly knows. please be considerate about sharing my digits and such. if you are not sure, just ask me. for instance, if you want to continue to be my friend/family, i would not advise giving my contact info to... let's say... my high school sweetheart's fiancee, or the guy at the local "cash for gold" place that keeps emailing me on myspace... use your noggin!

and on that note...
I LOVE YOU OODLES AND BUNCHES!
GO HUG SOMEONE!
Be Well.
~Angela
and hey... send me some updates about you and yours! i am going insane with my own "life"... fill me in on yours so i can escape mine for a while!

more angela medical junk

2010-01-19T14:32:00.002-05:00

i dont know where to begin, so i'll just dive in.

i know everyone keeps telling me to file a complaint here, call this person, call these people, send an email online here, you need a lawyer, blah blah blah... do this this this... my head is spinning and i am going to explode! i have enough stress trying to deal with my medical issues and daily physical limitations... all this paperwork is driving me more mad! i know i need to get it all done. but at this point i honestly dont think i am going to save my job by april.

i keep making phone calls and phone calls and emails and faxes... but if these people dont reply to me in a timely manner, i am screwed. so it's not that i am not doing what i need to do... it's that the people i need help from arent cooperating. it is not my fault if a doctor reschedules an appointment, or i just can get in for another month. it is not my fault if i call and call every single office every single day and still no one has answers or medical records or my medical leave extension application isnt filled out. it is not my fault if i leave message after voicemail after message and no one calls me back. none of this is my fault! i know this! but, honestly, am i suppose to sue everyone?

i spoke with my medical leave rep yesterday. i was hoping she could help me with some much needed answers. she couldnt. and really, wouldnt. she said that actually she is no longer my rep. she said that she was my rep during my first application for medical leave extension. however, since i was denied, i now have to appeal. an appeal will consist of a new medical board and a new rep. but a new board and rep wont be assigned until i have submitted everything for my appeal. she said that once i send them a letter saying "this is the last of it, please start my appeal" then they will compile a board and give me a new rep. i asked her who is suppose to answer the questions i have now... she said i just have to send in everything i get or already have. i was like, wait wait wait... you have my entire file that started last april for medical leave that was approved, do i have to re-gather all that and submit it again? she said she couldnt answer that. what the fuck?! i said "so i'm just suppose to send in what may or may not be complete, on a hope and a prayer, and just wait?" she said, "well, if you are denied, there is a second level appeal." WHAT?! NO!!! i told her i dont have time for that! if i dont get this to turn in my favor by april 25th, 2010, i lose my job! i asked how long it takes the appeals board to make a decision... she said about 45 days. holy shit. this was the last straw before my breakdown yesterday.

additionally...
when i filed for financial assistance thru the state (for the first time in my life) back in october 2009, i was told the process should only take 30 days. well, it's been over 3 months and i still dont have anything. hell, my dhs case worker wont return my calls or emails. my employer wont fill out the form i need for dhs assistance. my employer says the form has to go thru a special service. a service, of course, that dhs so far will not honor. so at this point i havent been able to get any state assistance.

i have been fortunate enough that a few of my family and friends lend me money when they can. but i'm racking up some serious IOUs. i hate this. i NEVER ask for help or money. i'm always the one taking care of other people. i think i am most irritated that i am having to borrow from family and friends when i should be getting medical leave pay and state assistance. i have never ever filed for assistance. but i have paid in taxes all my working life. and from what i can tell, most of the people that are getting what was my hard-earned money, are people that take advantage of the system. now, now, calm down... i'm not saying if you are on state assistance you are taking advantage. but you know who i am talking about. the people that use their unemployment to buy smokes and alcohol... and yadda yadda yadda. i dont think i need to detail what you already know.

some people are asking me "why dont you just go back to work? show them you cant do the job." or "just go back to work and deal with the pain." well, for one, it is dangerous for myself and my co-workers. also, i dont have a specific job to go back to. after i had been off for 6 months, my job was given away. so, as my employer calls it, i am still "attached" to the company... but if/when i am able to come back, i have to apply for, interview for, and be awarded a new position within the company. but wait! i cant do that... why?... because since my extended medical leave was denied, i have been on UNexcused absence since september 2009. sooo... i NEED this medical leave extension appeal to be approved before april 25, 2010 or i lose my jobby job. i have been with this company for 7 years. i dont know what else to say about it.

thank you for reading all of these scattered thoughts i put out to the world that is cyber.
and thank you for your continued support and love.
i love you all oodles and bunches and i hope all is well with you and yours!
*hugs*
~angela

bad day

2010-01-18T13:52:00.000-05:00

the rest of my day/night is gonna be used to expel every last tear in my body & sleep. i cant control it right now, so i'm just gonna let it flow. get it all out. everything just keeps getting worse. i do all i can, every day, & it hasnt been enough. just when i think it cant get worse, it does. please, no house guests. i cant think or comprehend or really function. if you dont hear from me, no worries. i havent done anything to myself. my phone & internet might get disconnected. being without a paycheck since sept'09 makes it hard to pay bills. hopefully my tax forms will come in so i can get a little relief.

friday's fiasco getting my medical records from "doctor" mahmood

2010-01-17T15:09:00.003-05:00

here it is. the over-due and highly anticipated update regarding my friday fiasco with getting my medical records from bad neurologist dr mahmood.

as i have mentioned many many times before, my medical leave extension was denied due to conflicting and incomplete medical records submitted to my employer by dr mahmood. i wont rehash ALL of the many many terrible issues i had with this "doctor"... you can read previous posts if you want to learn more. anywhom. after making multiple phone calls and leaving multiple unreturned voice mails, i finally just called his office and made an appointment. my appointment was last thursday the 14th. click here to see what happened in that appointment. well, no one called me thursday afternoon like they were suppose to. so i called thursday evening and left a message for the office admin, patty.

patty called me first thing friday morning. i was surprised. she asked "what can i do for you?" i laughed and said "do you really have to ask?!" she said yes. i told her. she said she would do some investigating and call me back. so she did. she said that yes she did compare the letters that dr mahmood wrote me, against the information they submitted on my medical leave extension application, and that yes, in fact, the application info was wrong and the letters to remove me from work due to disability were right. she said that she would correct that and resubmit it. i gave her all the contact info she needed to resubmit. she also said "i have your entire chart spread out across my office floor right now..." and that she could have it ready and waiting for me to pick up at the front desk about 2p or 3p. this was about noon, and i told her that i live an hour away and need to get a ride, but i would be there to get them asap. she said that would be fine.

she called me just a bit after 2p and said she would be going to a meeting at 230p. i told her i was still about 10 minutes from the hospital. she said my file was waiting for me but she had to go. i said okay.

ma and i got to borgess hospital and went upstairs to neurology. i went to the front desk and was happy to see the 2 nice girls that i like. they said yep, just a second, and they got me my "file". she handed me a VERY thin manila envelope. really?! ma and i thought it was a joke. we got in the elevator and opened the envelope. what a joke!!! there were 9 pages total. 2 pages were a letter to my primary care that i already had. 1 page was literally just a one-line signature page. and the other 6 pages were test results that were performed in a different office!

there was no copy of the new patient packet that i filled out regarding my identification, current medical problems, past medical problems, medications, allergies, family history, social history...etc...
no initial intake notes,
no progress notes,
no referal notes,
no dictations or doctor's notes,
no notes regarding the medications i was prescribed by this "doctor",
nothing else!
off the top of my head, i have seen this neurologist at least 5 times. and *this* was all they had for me?! ma and i were laughing in disbelief all the way to the car! i knew that admin patty said she was in a meeting until 4p... so i didnt even bother trying to call her. ma and i laughed at the statement patty had made "i've got your entire chart spread out across my office floor right now." really?! all 9 pages?! why didnt you just use your desk?!

and i told ma that it wouldnt make a difference if they *did* correct my medical leave extension application, becuase they dont have ANY written medical documentation to support it! what i joke! is all i keep thinking!

what to do after that? as we drove out of borgess hospital parking lot, i called the hospital and asked for the girl that i thought was the girl that had given me secret info before.

she got on the phone, i said who i was,
she said "yeah honey, i know who you are."
i asked if she was allowed to or willing to talk with me?
she said "sure. what do you need?"
first i told my secret nurse that i would NOT do ANYTHING to put her job in jeopardy and thanked her over and over for all her help. i told her i just needed to talk with someone within the office that i felt would be honest with me and that i really appreciate all she has done for me.
i asked "are you the person that called me back in august and september and told me my files were gone?"
she said yes.
i told her what i just recieved as my "complete file" and asked her if this was normal or was there stuff missing?
she said someone stepped in her office and put on hold really quick.
she got back on the phone.
i asked "did they lose/misplace my stuff or did they simply not give it to me?"
she said "the first one."
so they lost or misplaced everything?
she said yes.
then she kinda covered her mouth while she talked in the phone saying, "really quick, dr mahmood was asked 4 times to dictate and he never did. what he did get done, his assistant mary was suppose to have dictated, and she never did. which is why neither of them wanted to talk with you."
i thanked her again and reassured her i would not use her name, then we hung up.

glorious! what happens now? well, i am making a list of people to call and things to say/ask. a family friend that has been a medical admin in michigan, nevada and arizona says that i need to contact the hospital risk management department, file a complaint with the department of community health (which gets them investigated by the state board of physicians), contact the wage and hour board of michigan, and follow through with a lawyer... along with a slew of other in-depth stuff. i will be doing all that i can, but i'll tell ya, my head is spinning! all of this bullshit to go thru just to get a doctor to do his fucking job... and oh yeah, by the way, I'M STILL IN PAIN and not diagnosed yet! i am still going thru trial tests and treatments!

another thing i am going to do is try to get MYSELF into mayo or cleveland clinic. my current docs want to wait for this and this and this and that... but i dont have time! i have been off work for almost 9 months now and i am on the verge of losing my job... not to mention i still have not been figured out yet!

yeah, so, that is what happened on friday when i went to get my medical records. what a joke. what a joke. what a joke. is all i can think of. if you have ANY suggestions or knowledge of what to do or say or ask in a situation like this, please let me know asap! i am compiling lists and note cards so that my phone conversations will go as smoothly as possible.

thanks so much for your love and well wishes.
i appreciate every last bit!
i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.
~angela

good news?!

2010-01-15T12:08:00.000-05:00

*exhale* i just got off of 6 phone calls in a row! sounds like admin at dr mahmood's office is trying to correct this! she said she will have my medical records ready for me to pick up by about 2p or 3p today. she said she *did* review what was filled out on my medical leave application in comparison to the letters dr mahmood had written, and YES it is wrong and she will try to correct it and resubmit it! ma got sent home from work early today, so she is gonna pick me up and take me to borgess to get my file today. i need to go get ready! since i was told some of my file is missing, i am hoping what they *do* have is going to be enough to get my appeal approved and i can get retro-pay since the denial and keep my jobby job! i am trying to keep positive! however, i *am* still in pain and still a guinea pig to the tests and treatments they are trying. but for now, let's just hope my appeal goes thru! I LOVE YOU ALL AND THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT AND LOVE!

update regarding meeting with bad neurologist about medical leave denial

2010-01-14T18:26:00.004-05:00

oh this is all just such a mess. i went to see my previous neurologist, dr mahmood, at borgess today. i wanted to discuss with him the fact that his documentation and lack of medical records was the reason my medical leave extension was denied. i wanted to ask him if he could please correct this.

sis went with me to be my witness. i tried to voice record with my phone, but i kept losing service and the phone shut off. oh well. i got there. checked in a few minutes early. got called back. and dr mahmood's evil nurse, mary, weighed me in and took my vitals. this was confusing to me since i was just there for a meeting to talk about medical leave paperwork... but i played along. then she asked me some "new patient" kind of info which, again, i thought was odd. asked me allergies and such... even though they should have all of that already. then evil nurse mary asked me why i was there. i calmly showed her the paperwork discrepancies, and told her that i would like to speak with dr mahmood directly to get this taken care of. she jumped me right away. "you and i have already had this conversation, months ago." and she went on and on telling me that they sent everything they had to my employer and if my employer is saying they dont have it then they are lying. i told her that yes, she and i did talk about this many times before, but that was all while i was trying to get the medical leave application filed. i said since then, with the conflicting and incomplete documentations that dr mahmood gave them, now i have been denied medical leave and i am on the verge of losing my job. i would just like to talk with dr mahmood myself and give him the chance to correct this situation before i lose my job. mary was not havin' it. she asked how i got in there. i said i made an appointment. she said "did the office manager pull strings to get you in here today?" (do they have a mugshot of me and i'm not allowed in?!) i said no one pulled any strings. i simply called the front desk and made an appointment. i also left 3 voicemails last week for 3 different people (and named them) and told them why i was coming in today. no one called me back. i kept my cool though. she said she would make copies of the papers i gave her, talk to the dr and be right back.

while she was gone sis and i talked and i just kept trying to stay calm. i was so nervous. sis and i noticed it seemed to be taking forever. then the door opened. it was a lady i hadnt seen before. she said that she would be mediating the situation. she said that dr mahmood knows i am upset and is not comfortable coming in and speaking with me. what?! i said yes, i am upset, but i'm not going to attack him or anything. geesh. i just want to talk to him about this and give him the chance to fix this before i lose my job. she said that unfortunately the administrative manager was not in the office today. she explained that she was just another nurse type of person, and she was asked to come in and get me to sign a release and ask me to leave. she said she would pass along any message to the admin and hopefully someone would get back to me soon. she was very nervous. she said that dr mahmood wanted me to know that since he couldnt do anything for me, he released me as his patient in august and there was no reason for me to be there now. i said, well, the thing is, i dont believe it wasnt that he couldnt do anything for me. i think that after all of his incompetence over the course of my being his patient, and i didnt just take it from him, i came into the office and asked to be treated fairly and properly, the office manager had a talk with dr mahmood and his nurse mary. my next (and last) appointment, mary came in and said she was asked to apologize to me for everything that happened. dr mahmood then said he didnt feel there was anything he could do to treat me, and said he would release me back to my primary care. i told the mediating nurse today that i felt like it wasnt that he couldnt help me, it was that i caused a commotion and he got rid of me.

evil nurse mary opened the door and said that she just talked with admin and they would be calling me this afternoon. mary left, but left the door open.

i was remembering that in august, when mary got in trouble, i got a phone call from someone else in neurology. she said she does not work with dr mahmood, but she has been hearing about my situation and thought she should call. she said that the majority of my medical records have been lost, and they dont know what to do about it, so they are doing nothing. she only gave me her first name and said she could lose her job over this, but she felt badly for me. i wrote down everything she told me. she and i even faxed back and forth and she was trying to scavenge up some paperwork to help me out.

i asked this mediation nurse if she could close the door again. she said, well, they are in the hallway and want to hear our conversation. how fucking lame! really?! so, she said i need you to sign this and someone will call you later. i was like, i aint signin' nothin'! but she explained to me it was just a request/release for me to get my medical records. i read over it and signed and dated it. i told her i have been asking for my medical records for months and months and why are they only now letting me have them? she didnt know.

i was pleasantly surprised when my sis jumped in. she asked the significance of the fact that i have multiple letters in dr mahmoods hand-writing that state i am unable to work due to disability. good nurse looked nervous. she just put the letter copies on the top of the pile, put her hand on them, and said "these are legitimate." as she got up to walk out of the room, i stayed seated. she turned and was kinda like, c'mon. i asked, "am i waiting for you to get my records now?" and she said no, they would prolly mail them to me, but that admin would call me and anything after today would have to go thru admin. i said well, i live an hour away, and i would really like to take my records with me now. she said she would check, but asked us to wait in the hall waiting area. so sis and i had a seat down the hall.

i told sis i was kinda surprised she spoke up. she said she had a lot more to ask/say, but she realized we werent getting anywhere. i started going thru my paperwork looking for the name of the nurse i had talked to in august that was trying to secretly help me. found it. same first name. that's what i thought. and that is prolly why she was so nervous. evil nurse mary was on vacation the week i talked with good nurse, so i dont think mary ever knew about it. i know i never mentioned it. so, i think good nurse was freaking when she was randomly thrown in as mediator today. she might have been afraid i was going to rat her out. but i didnt.

good nurse came back, and said that medical records dept was in a meeting or something and that they would gather my stuff later and mail it to me. i said, i dont want them using the "it must have been lost in the mail" so i would prefer to come back and pick them up in person. she said she understood, but it is out of her hands and i could talk to admin when they call me this afternoon.

then she kinda looked up and down the hall, and pulled sis and i to a side room. she said that way no one could overhear us talking. i told her that i really appreciated her helping (didnt mention that i thought i knew she had helped me before) and that i am not frustrated with her personally. i told her that she might want to relay the message that i have talked with 2 lawyers, and both of them believe i have a case, but both of them also suggested i contact the doctor, myself, and give him the opportunity to correct this situation. if he isnt willing to right what he did wrong, then i could talk legal action. she tried to console me, we talked a bit more. then sis and i left. it was maybe 1130a.

all day... not one single phone call from anyone in dr mahmood's office. go figure. i called just before 5p. hoping i would catch the admin, but i got the answering service. (voicemail only during business hours then answering service after hours) answering service kindly took my info and said it would be given to patty first thing when she gets to the office in the morning.

so, i will give her until lunch time tomorrow (friday). if i dont hear anything, i will call in the afternoon. if i get her voicemail and dont get to talk with her myself, i will leave her a message that says if i do not hear from her by the end of business friday, i will be at her office first thing, 8a, monday morning. i have done this in the past. and more than once i have had to show up in person to get any attention.

hell, when i had bloodwork done at one point, dr mahmood told me that the results should be back in 4 days. i asked if i needed an appointment to get the results. he said no, just call the office and we can tell you over the phone what the results are and we will discuss where to go from there. i called. and called. i called 29 times in 19 days and still did not get the results or return phone calls. finally i showed up. i was told that nurse mary has my results, but that dr mahmood did not sign them before he left the country for 3 weeks so they could not release my results. even as i sat there, in person, they would not give me my bloodwork results. i wont delve back into all of that. but you can see this has been a miserable dr-patient relationship. in the meantime, i am still sick and in pain and havent been paid since september and now on the verge of losing my job. all because of him. so, yeah, i think i have every right to be upset. and i think he needs to be a fucking man and stand up and make this right. are you kidding me?! he cant even be man enough to sit in the same room and have an adult conversation about this?! gaaa! i am beyond frustrated! i vent outside of the dr office, but i have maintained a very civil decorum thru this entire ordeal. people keep saying "kill 'em with kindness" and "dont get upset or angry when you talk to them or they wont help"... what the chicken?! they havent helped yet?! how long am i suppose to be kind and civil? how long do i wait before blowing up? do i have to actually get fired just to be "allowed" to get pissed off?! *for now* i will stay as calm as i can. i will be civil and try to keep enough cool to get what i need to make this right. but i still think i should have every right to throw a tantrum. but that's just me.

whew! that was forever long! if you made it this far, i thank you for your time and patience with my ventilation rant. sometimes i just need to get this junk out. thank you for all of your positive thoughts, prayers, vibes, well wishes... etc. i really do appreciate it more than i can put into words. thank you from the bottom of my heart.

most of you know i'm not really a "religious person" (whatever that means nowadays). anywhom... for years now i have carried a coin with me wherever i go. i have more than one of the same coin. they are all over my house so that i always have one. i originally bought a bunch of them when my very dear friend lost his father. his father had been sober for 22 years when he passed. aa was a huge part of his life. "one day at a time" had a very deep meaning. well, i was at a shop one day and saw a bunch of coins on the counter. they all had different sayings and prayers. one said "one day at a time" and i flipped it over to find the serenity prayer. i knew this was a big deal in aa. i bought a bunch of them, and gave them to my friend shortly after his dad's funeral. i kept some for myself as well. i have never read the bible. i couldnt tell you much about anything to do with the bible really. but i know the serenity prayer. and i carry this with me and even though i may not always seem like i take it with much consideration, it really does mean something to me. and i really do want to live my life with that "motto". i will keep trying. one day at a time.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

i love you all.
be well.
~angela

let's help each other!

2010-01-10T21:54:00.001-05:00

it's pretty well known that i have been on medical leave for way too long. docs are still trying to figure me out. i have zero income right now. so, i am trying to think of creative ways i can make some money without hurting myself due to my medical restrictions. someone pointed out to me that i should do resumes for people. i love to do that sort of thing, and it's not physically strenuous. so, if you need a resume, let me know, and we can work something out. i do cover letters and all.

(quick) medical update #8

2010-01-07T20:38:00.003-05:00

okay, so, this is going to be a quick update because i am uber tired and have to leave at 630a tomorrow for 2 doctor appointments about an hour and a half drive (one way). then ma is having a lia sophia jewelry party at 7p. tomorrow is going to be a looong day.

i left really early so that i could take my time driving since the weather is miserable. i knew i had plenty of time, so i made some stops along the way and took some photos... as you can see in the new album i posted.

got to the dr office early, and they said it was actually kinda a slow day, so my doc was able to spend 2 hours with me! yay! i see karen wessendorf at promed in three rivers, michigan as my primary care and i absolutely LOVE her!

without going in too deep with details, this is what went down...
the 2 cancers tests i took came back negative. that is great!
but i still have problems, so she is trying a different med for one of them.
they drew more blood for more tests.
went over everything that has been going on, onset tll now. brainstormed a ton of stuff.
she is keeping me on the low dose anti-d, celexa, i have been on and also putting me on cymbalta, which i guess is used to treat both chronic pain and depression/anxiety. i think my depression/anxiety levels wouldnt be so bad if i didnt have chronic pain. but who knows.
i despise taking meds at all. i especially freak out when i have to take more than one at the same time. 1) i have esophagus issues and i'm sure some kind of mental block that makes me not be able to swallow pills easily. 2) i get totally freaked that i'm going to die from mixing meds. i know, i know, the doctor says it is fine... but it still makes me uneasy. i live alone. and i get afraid that by the time someone finds me, my starving dogs will have eaten me. but maybe that's just all the horror flicks i've seen. so, that being said, it's 830p now. i am taking my pills and going to bed after i post this. if you dont see a post from me by 630a (when i need to leave for dr appointments tomorrow) you should send someone to my house. i'm just sayin'.

still no news from the new neurologist that i saw on monday. i was hoping they would have gotten all my files from other docs by now and at least be able to tell me if they are going to see me again... but when i called today, nothing. blargh.

i'm getting feedback that people at work are pissed because they think they are working overtime to cover for me. but that is not the case. when i hit the 6 month mark on medical leave, i was told my job would be given away. so, technically, i do not have a specific position within the company now. i am only "attached" to the company with no specific job. that is what i was told. so to those people that are picking up the slack from what was *going to be* my spot, you are not covering for me. if no one was hired to replace me when they took my job away in october, that is not my fault. pass it along. and stop glaring at me in public and talking behind my back to people that are my real friends and you surely know will tell me. get over yourselves. i have done all i can and so much more trying to keep my job AND keep my sanity trying to get better from an illness no one has been able to diagnose. just be lucky you even have a job... let alone overtime.

i mentioned that my ma is having a lia sophia jewelry party tomorrow. it is at her place at 7p friday the 8th... tomorrow! if you would like to come, please do! with all that has been crazy lately, she was not able to get out as many invites as she wanted. so, if you would like to be there, you can just show up at my ma's house... if you need address or phone numbers or directions... just let me know and i will private message you!

okay kids... i'm off to curl up with my dogters. thanks for all of your well wishes while i have been going thru this difficult time. i really appreciate you!
much love.
be well.
~angela

5 days in and no change from 2009 to 2010

2010-01-05T13:02:00.011-05:00

to be honest, i dont even know what to say. i mean, i know i can form the words to tell you what has happened in the first 4 days of what was suppose to be my new year with new hope and resolution. maybe 4 days isnt enough time to judge the remaining 361. but this year isnt turning around from the last, at all really.

note:
first part of this post is about my phone... so if you just want my medical update, scroll down!

thursday i was out with ma getting some groceries, and my phone died. again. same thing that happened last time. just went to a blank screen and would not reboot. since we were already out, ma took me to the sprint tech shop in kalamazoo. most of you know that kzoo is about an hour from my house. but it is also the closest tech shop for sprint phone repairs. also, most of you know that this will be the 5th phone replacement in 11 months. so, i took it in. dropped it off. suppose to go back monday to pick it up. since i didnt have a phone over the weekend, the sprint rep emailed me with this: "We are going to replace your phone, but we do have special instructions that we will need to discuss when you come in." what kind of special instructions? this was odd. but i guess i would just have to wait and see.
well, sunday morning ma wanted to go to kzoo to look for some after christmas sales. so i tagged along, and she took me to the sprint shop. they gave me my replacement phone, but said they dont know why this keeps happening. the first time it happened, it was on the charger, and when i took it off the charger, it powered down and never came back on. the tech said it was entirely NOT my fault. it looked like it was in the middle of an update and froze. i said i was never prompted for an update, and he said it was probably an auto-system update. this time it was sitting in my lap in the car, and when i went to use it, it didnt work. the "special instructions" were that i must have again interrupted an update which caused the phone to freeze. so next time i am prompted for an update, select "no" and bring the phone to the store so they can do the update for me. i told them that i was never ever prompted for an update. i asked "cant you look in your system and see the last time a system update was made on my phone?!" they said no. they dont have access to that. they added that this would be the last phone replacement they would do for me since i have had excessive replacements. i was like whoa whoa whoa! this was not my fault! i did not break my phone! if i did something, i would tell you. but i did NOTHING. i went down the list of the 5 times the phone has had to be replaced and the 4 different things that went wrong with each phone. NONE of them were operator error. it was all tech stuff. i also told them that i had seen 7 different sprint reps in 3 weeks trying to get this fixed and they all said it was nothing i did, and the phone just needed to be replaced, not repaired. so the customer service girl asked if i wanted to talk to a tech. hell yes! she took me to the back to the tech area. there was more than 1 person back there, so i just talked to everyone hoping someone would feel my pain and have a better solution. i said, so, what youre telling me is that you have never seen this happen more than once before, you dont know why it is happening or how, you have no way to search your system for recent updates on my phone, but you are so sure it was my fault, that you are telling me if anything, at all, ever goes wrong with my phone again, you will not replace it?! then they pawned it off on a tech that wasnt there saying maybe i should come back and talk with her the next day. i said yeah, i would come back, but that i would also be speaking with sprint corporate because this is completely miserable. i had asked before about getting a completly different model phone. i said i absolutely love this lg lotus (aside from the fact the camera has no flash), but if it's going to have all these issues, i guess i need something different and more reliable. i was told it's not the phone, they havent seen this many problems with the lotus, and that i am not eligible for an upgrade anyway, so i would have to pay street cost for a different phone. i told them that a rep i spoke to at a different sprint store told me about a "secret department" that i could call and tell my story to and they would give me some crazy upgrade for a phone that was practically filled with rocket science capabilities. i told her i dont need something expensive and fancy, i just want my lotus and i want it to work!
fine fine fine, i gave up the conversation and said i would just take the replacement lotus and deal with any other problems IF they happened. all the while in the back of my mind i was composing my conversation i would have with corporate. so, i get back to the front and the sales girl is replacing the phone. she says maybe this one wont have issues since it is new out of the box. i told her i had new out of the box before. she was like "really? i thought they just repaired before?" i said nooo, i have all the boxes and everything at my house.

-flashback to when i asked a guy if maybe their store had a bad batch of lotus phones or something along those lines and he told me "no. it doesnt work like that. i think you just have bad luck." and i nearly broke down crying in the store. me?! bad luck?! he didnt even know a fraction of how those words hurt me.

anywhom... so, the girl is replacing my phone and a tech comes out to the counter. says that his store manager was back there and heard our conversation and didnt like anything that he heard, so for me not to worry, if anything happens to my phone, they will take care of me. they will not turn me away. they will do anything they can to make this right. they dont want me leaving mad. i told them, i am not mad with each of them as individual people. i am just frustrated with this situation and that no one would be willing to help me further. he said not to worry, i would be taken care of. so that was a relief. then the girl started up my new phone, and forced updates so that they could do them there. they said i should only get them about every 6 months, but when i do, bring it to the store to be done. fine with me. so an hour later, i left with my replacement phone.

i was told before i left that since i now have wireless backup for my contacts, that my contacts should be back on my phone in about 30 minutes. well, 5 hours later they still werent there. so i called the store. they said well, maybe give it about 24 hours, if they still arent there, call back. and wouldnt you know it, about 5 minutes after i got off the phone with the tech, my contacts popped up. hmmm...

but, so far (only 2 days in) it is still working. fingers crossed.

wow. that was long-winded!

okay, now for the medical update.
i have been on medical leave since may 15, 2009. tons of symptoms, no one can figure out what is going on. it has been almost 8 months, i have seen 17 doctors, been given about 20 different prescriptions, tons of tests and trial treatments... nothing is helping. the first neurologist i saw, dr mahmood, was terrible. he slacked on everything. he would be late to the office and my appointments, take cell phone calls during my appointments, i would show up for appointments (over an hour away from my house) and i would be told he didnt come to work and i need to reschedule - but no one called me ahead of time to tell me not to come, he told me i did NOT need an appointment to get test results - that i should call his office in 4 days and they would decide then what to do - i called 29 times in 19 days then finally showed up in person and asked for the office manager and told her my situation and she said that the dr had my test results, but since he didnt sign them before he went on vacation, they could not release the results for me. then when i did get the results, i was scheduled for another appointment that got pushed out twice in 3 months. this is not everything, and i wont list all of his incompetencies, but the final straw for me has been that i have 3 letters in his handwriting that write me off work due to disability, which i submitted to my employers medical leave center, but when the medical leave center sent him paperwork to fill out for my leave, he wrote that he had never taken me off work, and left the remainder of the forms incomplete. when i called his office about this, i was told that my medical records file was misplaced. needless to say, i have been talking with lawyers about him. but right now i dont have the money to do anything about it. so, my medical leave rep sent me a letter that my claim has been denied based what dr mahmood submitted. now i am in the appeals process, without pay, and if i am not able to return to work or get extended disability approved but april 2010, i am "separated" from the company.

two months ago i was referred to a new neurologist at a different hospital. dr jewett. yesterday, january 4th, 8a, was my appointment. they sent me a new patient packet i had to fill out and bring with me. so i did. i got there early. when i told the girl at the desk my name, she said she couldnt find me on the list, but that she was just filling in and the regular girl would be right back. i had a seat. then heard whispering and my name for a few minutes. i was called back to the window. they told me that on november 2 someone from their office rescheduled me for december 14 and i was a no show. what the heck?! nooo way! i was not at all happy, but i tried to stay calm. we'll figure this out. it's a new year and i need a new approach to things. they told me to have a seat while they sort it out. so i did. finally they called me back to a room. the nurse explained that on november 2 someone in their office called and left me a voicemail that my appointment had been changed to december 14. she also said that the dr was booked, so if i could stay, he would see me between patients. i said yes i would stay. but i also told her that i never received a message. i didnt want to start off on the wrong foot (me jumping down their throats) so i tried to keep calm and waited for the dr. he came in, said since he didnt have any file or records for me, he wanted me to tell him what was going on that brought me to him. so i started telling him from the initial onset of pain in april that landed me in the er. i got about 4 sentences in, and he was like "wait wait wait... tell me about such-and-such" so i did. as i would answer his questions about my symptoms, he would be "wait a second, you have this and this at the same time?" and i would say yes. and he would say that is not really possible, it's a mystery. and i would say, well, that is why i am here. this went back and forth with him writing on a blank sheet of paper since he had no file for me. and he would kind of shoot down what i was saying about my symptoms "you cant really have both of those at the same time." or " i've never heard of those 2 symptoms happening together." well, me fucking neither! i was getting frustrated, but i was quite pleased with myself for maintaining a civil attitude. so, he tells me, let's just stop right there and he'll have me put a gown on and he'll do an exam. so, he did the exam. i got re-dressed. and he said that he doesnt think i have anything neurologically wrong going on. he said that he would have to get my file, hopefully in the next couple days, and he would read through everything, but he really thinks i might need to see someone in the vascular field, because he's not sure it's neurological. i said, well, i have seen a vascular dr and that is who sent me to you, the neurologist. so the vascular thinks it is neuro, and the neuro thinks it's vascular. i also told him that the dr i see at the pain clinic thinks that i dont have one OR the other. he thinks maybe i have 2 or 3 different things going on, and other doctors are having a problem diagnosing because they are trying to lump them all together in one diagnosis... when maybe there is more than one. so, i left the office being told that they would not schedule me for another appointment until the dr reads my file and determines if he can possibly do anything for me.

i got out of there without shedding a tear. but as soon as i got in the car, and called my sister, i was bawling. i just dont know what to do. (and her come more tears).

when i got home and looked at my calendar for november 2, i called the nurse i had seen that morning. i told her that now that i have looked at my calendar, i know for sure that my phone was working that day. november 2 i had 2 dr appointments, and i got out of the first one early so i called the next dr to see if i could get in there early. so i know my phone was working, and i did not get a voicemail. i asked " suppose someone did leave a voicemail... is it customary for your office to reschedule an appointment with a voicemail and without ever talking directly to the patient?" she said no, not at all. and she reassured me that they know who this was and it will be taken care of within the office. and she apologized to me for the hundredth time. but that doesnt help me now. i am out a lot of time and pain and suffering already... and as time passes without help, i am worse off.

i called dr mahmood's office and made an appointment. they got me in january 28th, 845a. i told the scheduling girl i just wanted a check up. however, i am going to take all my paperwork in there, and confront him about getting my medical leave denied. i need to get a witness to go with me, and i might to try to borrow a tape recorder from someone so i can record the conversation. the only way i am going to get my retro-pay and keep my job is if this guy corrects what he sent to my employers medical leave center. medical leave rep sent me an outline of contradicting paperwork that dr mahmood sent. the speed bump is that someone within his office told me that portions of my file were lost. how convenient.

i am wicked afraid i am going to keep getting bounced around then next thing i know april will be here and nothing will be better and i will get fired. i have never been fired. and, i have been with this company for 7 years! 7 years! and even though i have been there 7 years, in the 8 months that i have been off, only 3 people (all of whom i knew outside of work) have kept in touch with me to see how i am doing. when i was still working, i used to make posters, and cards and collect money for get well cards and flowers and such for other people. for me, nothing. --now, dont get me wrong. like i said, there have been 3 people that have checked in on me. but they are people that i know outside of work, so i dont really group them in as co-workers. ya know? i just feel like i have been forgotten. and maybe since they dont care enough about me, i shouldnt care enough to want their concerns. i dont know. it just hurts.

i havent received any paycheck since september. 4 months. i have never had a credit card. which i am sure is good in a way, but right now, if i dont have cash, i dont have anything. i have been racking up debt to friends and family by borrowing money. i never borrow money. this is killing me. i am trying like hell to sell my house. i need to get out from under this mortgage. i have been talking with a friend of mine that is in real estate, and i think he is going to get with me next week to try to help me with the house. fingers crossed. i applied for state assistance, which i have never done before, but i have been told i am not eligible. it kills me that i see loser drug addicts feeding their junk lives with government money programs, yet i am a clean, honest, willing-to-work citizen, and i cant get a cent. blargh. i really believe anyone on any sort of government assistance should have to pass drug tests and child support background checks before they are issued driver's license and / or money of any kind. but what do i know?! i have been trying to sell some household stuff. as i am sure some of you have seen posted on my facebook, myspace, and craigslist. i just need something to bring in a bit of cash to float me until... well, i dont know until. until i get my medical leave appeal approved and i can get my paid medical leave i deserve. until i uncover winning lottery numbers. until i am miraculously healed.

okay, i have rambled enough for this morning.
i know that there are people worse off than me, and i do feel guilty as if my woes arent important... but they are. and i am trying all i can to take care of myself. and for me, a lot of the time, that is writing and getting it out. so, dont feel obligated to read what i write. but if you do read it, thank you for taking the time. for giving your time. i appreciate it more than you know.

much love to you and yours.
be well.
~angela

ps for those of you that have asked about other behind-the-scenes stuff with me... i'll get to that update later! thanks for caring!

**click to read collage**

aaron lee tasjan - my whole life is over all over again

2010-01-04T22:33:00.002-05:00

quick note

2010-01-04T13:48:00.002-05:00

hey kids. i had an appointment with my new neurologist this morning. didnt go well. and my phone died last week. just got a replacement yesterday. that didnt go so well either. i have important stuff to accomplish today. but i will post the details later tonight for all of you that give a hoot. thanks for the well wishes and concerns. talk soon. much love. be well. ~angela

yusuf islam (cat stevens) - don't be shy

2009-12-30T20:08:00.003-05:00

love is where all of us belong

aaron lee tasjan - love's the only way

2009-12-30T12:33:00.002-05:00

WAR IS OVER! (if you want it)

2009-12-25T12:41:00.001-05:00

need some serious advice about a close friend

2009-12-19T14:38:00.003-05:00

hey there punks and kittens~
i need some advice, help, something. a friend that is very very very dear to me, (we have been friends, literally, since before i can remember), found a lump in her armpit/breast area. she said it has been very painful. she does not have insurance, so she has been hesitant about going to the doctor. well, i adore this little lady and tried and tried to get her to just go, and we would figure out how to pay the doctor bills later. i didnt feel this was something to be taken lightly. a couple of weeks went by, and she still didnt go to the doctor. so, i called one of my doctors, pretended i was her, asked if they were taking mew patients, and made an appointment. i was able to get her to go to this appointment (prolly because i rode with her and wouldnt let her out of it). doctor said that there are actually 2 lumps. she said with the sick kids in the house, maybe she could have swollen lymph nodes. but that with the length of time they've been there, she should have a mammogram and possibly further testing. doctor said that the mammogram would be quite expensive without insurance, so she told her of a couple place that will do it based-on-income or free. well, it has been 45 days (since the dr appointment) and she has not been to any of these places for a mammogram AND she canceled her follow-up appointments with my doctor. i dont know what to do. she claims that one of the lumps seems to be gone. i just dont know what to do. when i was out this morning, i saw one of our mutual friends, and she asked about the results. i told her what is written above. i told her that if she could mention it or do anything to help me convince her, please help! do any of you have ANY thoughts or words of advice for me? i dont know if she is scared or what, but she has always been around to harp on me about getting myself healthy, so i dont understand why she wont take her own advice?! please please please if you have any ideas, i'll gladly hear them all! might i add, there has been a history of this sort of thing in her family. from what i understand, one of her cousins has had 4 lumps removed (over time) from the same area.
thanks so much for taking the time to read this and if you can offer any thoughts, advice, prayers... we would be so very grateful!
also, PLEASE, if you know who i am talking about, PLEASE DO NOT MENTION HER NAME IF YOU LEAVE A PUBLIC COMMENT! i am trying to respect her privacy... but if you see her in person, i wouldnt stop you if you mention that you care about her and she should get help. also, i will prolly print any comments i get, and show them to her. ah ha! intervention?! we'll see how far this goes.
thanks again!
much love!
be well!
~angela

i guess the lord must be in nyc

2009-12-16T19:35:00.001-05:00

Pa's mother passed away... and a note from me

2009-12-06T11:36:00.008-05:00

I know it has been a while since I last updated. A lot has been going on... I just havent had time to sit down and complete the post I started a couple of weeks ago. With that aside for now, I wanted to let you know that my Pa's mother passed away on Friday.

For those of you that dont know, Brian is my "stepdad". I call him "Pa" and have let the "stepdad" title only be used to differentiate him from my Dad/Biological father to those that dont know them. But I am happy to say that I was lucky enough to get 2 dads in my life!

On a sadder note...
Here is the obituary that Pa and his family wrote for his mother who passed away on Friday http://tinyurl.com/Norma-Reed

If you would like to send a card, please let me know and I will private message you Brian's address. Or, if you would just like to send a quick email, I will print it and take it to him.

Also, I would like to note that as far as I have heard, Brian and only a couple of his siblings are able to help pay for Norma's services and funeral. I am not sure how much of this he would want me to share, but I would really like to help him (them) and I dont know how else to do that other than, well, to ask for help. The services and funeral are just shy of $10,000. We all know how tight things are right now. Heck, just in general, I cant believe how much they charge for all of the arrangements being made. Taking advantage of people, especially when they are going through something tragic like this, is just sick to me.

Brian and his sister, Connie, were able to find a funeral home that will allow them to make payment arrangements. However, payment arrangements or not, the bill is still almost $10,000 and that is a lot for anyone these days. We were not sure how to word it in the obituary, but if you would like to, and are able to, make donations to the cost of Norma's funeral, we would appreciate it more than we could ever express. I dont want to post their address online. But you can send me an email or note and I will private message you their address.

Thanks in advance if you are able to help - in any way! Even just happy prayers and thoughts are wonderful! I have told Brian about all of the comments and well wishes I have received on behalf of his family and friends. Brian is one of the sweetest, gentlest, kindest, most family-oriented people I have ever known. And I can 100% say he is THE most honest person I have known in my entire life. I am proud to call him my Pa. And it aches beyond measure that I cant take away his sadness and suffering of the loss of his mother.

Thank you for your love and condolences.
Much love.
Be Well.
~Angela

from my heart

2009-11-24T22:05:00.002-05:00

i have a lot of acquaintances. a few very close friends that i prefer to call family. and some wonderful family i am happy to also call friends. recently a handful of you have made me feel so loved when i have been so miserable. a note. a phone call. a voicemail. your simple kindnesses mean more to me than i can express right now. but i want to thank you for helping me feel less alone. i hope you know who you are... and i hope you know how much i love and appreciate you.

what's been going on... (medical update #7)

2009-11-21T19:11:00.005-05:00

hey there punks and kittens~~
sorry it's taken me a while to get an update posted. there has been a lot going on. thanks for your patience.

my doctors and i dont believe the lidocaine/steroid injections and/or the lidocaine iv infusion treatments are really doing any good. in fact, most of the time i feel worse for days after treatments with no pain relief once the treatment effects wear off. doctors say that i am still pretty close to the baseline i was at when i first started seeing them. no improvement really. so this coming monday the 23rd will prolly be my last round of the lidocaine iv infusion. but they wanted to give it one more try.

many of you know that the neurologist i was seeing was a quack. i am seeking legal action against him. this is still in the beginning stages. and go figure, my employer's medical leave reps denied my application for extended medical leave based on what this fucking idiot that calls himself a dr had told them. thing is, i have letters and scripts in his handwriting that completely contradict what he wrote to the medical leave board. so now, i have to go thru the appeals process. they said could take from 30-180 days. and in the mean time i still have NO PAY. i told the claims rep i find it frustrating, ironic, and confusing that i have seen 16 doctors in this time off and they base their decision on the one idiot i saw that i am trying to sue. my luck is outstanding.

now my pain dr is referring me to a different neurologist at a different hospital. pain dr wants me to have another round of brain and spinal mri and emg. thing is, they cant see me until january 4th! the fact that this is taking so much time is hurting me a lot. as of april 2010, i no longer have a job. i only get 1 year of approved medical leave. and since my extended medical leave has been denied, now they have me on a temporary "personal leave". this is worse. this still keeps me attached to my employer, but i have NO pay AND i am now going to be billed for my health insurance. i know, i know, at least if have health benefits... but without pay, how do they expect me to pay for them?

i have moved out of my roommate situation and back to my house that i own. my sister and her kids were renting my house until they could get their own place. they moved out in october. just this last week i moved back in to my place. my roommate situation was getting out of control. i'm not going to express all the details... but it was not a good situation... and in fact, i think it was a huge additive to my already high stress and anxiety levels.

now i am back in the house that i own and am trying to sell. when i moved out of my roommate situation last week, i put everything in storage. so the only stuff in this house is me, my dogs, my nephew's old bed (which the dogs and i are sleeping in!), and the dining room set i am trying to sell. hoping that the first week of december will be ready for open houses. i'll keep you all posted. i'm trying to sell it by owner right now. i just want to get out of it. i dont want to have to upcharge a ton of money just to pay a realtor. we'll see how that goes. i am also trying to sell the fridge and stove/oven if you or someone you know might be interested.

my pa's (stepdad) mother is in the hospital with a lot of cancer and is not doing well at all. "they" dont think she will make it to the end of the year. i hate when they try to tell someone "you only have this much time left". they dont know. we dont have expiration dates. and i think if you tell someone they only have a certain amount of time, they get that in their head and heart and maybe dont try because they are counting down the days. it's a miserable situation. brian (my stepdad) has been at the hospital non-stop. he's suffering very deeply about this. without going in to their family dynamics... brian lives the farthest away and has been camped at the hospital... while her immediate family that lives just minutes away hardly stop in once a week. brian's heart is just breaking. and there is nothing any of us can do to make any of this better for him or his mother. it's just so sad.

i had another round of ultrasounds yesterday to recheck the ovarian cysts. i wont go in to the gory details. i dont get the results until december 4th, but the tech said it looks to her like the huge cyst on my left ovary might be getting smaller. they said that cysts can disintegrate... but that it'll be happily unusual if this one (because of the size - the cyst is the same size as my ovary) disintegrates rather than ruptures. i've had some pain for a couple of weeks, but they said it could be slowly breaking apart rather than one huge excruciating rupture. i can do without the excruciating! so, fingers crossed, this will get rid of itself.

there is more going on... but i'm kinda tired of typing right now. i know things seem to be crazy for so many people right now. i see posts on twitter, facebook and myspace and i am astounded by all of the miserable situations people are having to deal with. broken hearts, broken homes, illness, death, medical, financial, emotional... i just wish the best to each and every one of you. i love you all dearly, and even though some of us only chat online, i still cherish any contact i can get with you. (even though i would much rather give you each *hugs* in person!)

take care of you and yours.
much love.
be well.
~angela

(Everyone Needs A) Hand To Hold On To - John Mellencamp

2009-11-07T19:25:00.005-05:00

requesting positivity & peace for my friends & family

2009-11-05T19:21:00.008-05:00

hey there friends and family~~
i would like to take some time to request your support for some people that are very important in my life. anything you want to send, whether it be good vibes, thoughts, prayers, meditations, smoke signals... whatever... these people could really use some positive power.

My sister, Heather.
Heather is a private person, so i will respect her privacy and not give details. Heather has some could-be-serious medical stuff going on with herself recently. i went with her to a doctor appointment yesterday, and they want her to get some tests in the next couple of weeks then she will be seen again in about 2 weeks for a recheck and test results. i absolutely treasure my sister, and so very much want her to be happy and healthy.

My Pa and his family.
Brian is my "stepdad"... but he is really more like a 2nd dad to me. His mother is extremely ill with cancer. I wont go in to details, but she is not doing well. As any family would, they are struggling trying to wrap their heads and hearts around this miserable illness and what it has done, and continues to do, to their family. To make matters worse, we got a phone call today that Brian's grandfather has cancer. G'pa will be going to the V.A. Hospital, from what I understand. Everyone in this world is important to someone. Brian is, beyond words, important to me. I cant stand to see him suffer, as he cant stand to see his mother and grandfather suffer, and not be able to do anything about it. cancer is a miserable miserable scum.

My Niece, Aubriana.
Aubriana will be 4 years old in January. she is the youngest of my sister's 3 children. she is also the 3rd of the 3 to be diagnosed with epilepsy (my sis has epilepsy as well). they say it is a freak occurrence that my sister and all of her children have it. Aubriana had her first EEG last week and they have started her on depakote, which is also what Alexa (her 6 year old sister) is on. all of these kids have been so strong, and such troopers considering all they have to go through and so little that they can understand. learn more about epilepsy.

My little cousin, Leah, and her family.
Leah is 5 years old. Halloween 2008 Leah was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL). they were told she would have to undergo about 2 years of treatment. hopefully, they are 1/2 way through at this point. she is an amazing child with a spectacular spirit! recently, her ANC levels have been far below what they need to be. she has clinic every tuesday. her ANC needs to be over 1,000... 3 weeks ago her ANC was 456. 2 weeks ago it was 119. 1 week it was 200. this is the update Leah's mom (my cousin Sarah) sent us "Counts are still low today. We are holding chemo for another week. If her ANC is still low next week then they'll do a bone marrow to verify that nothing abnormal is going on. There continue to be no abnormal cells in her blood though. Thank you all for your prayers and please continue to pray for her." for more Leah updates, please check out their family blog here.

My good friend, and a splendid artist, Jess. i dont know how much of her story i am at liberty to discuss. but please please please send her some good vibes! *hugs*

My friend, Jennifer.
her father, who was a co-worker of mine, and he was a super sweet guy... passed away friday morning about 930a from lou gehrig's disease. i believe he was just diagnosed june 2009. i wasnt able to make it to his funeral, but i heard it was beautifully done.

Justin Meldal-Johnsen (most recently of Nine Inch Nails) is a spectacular musician that i absolutely adore. his mother, Marcia Smith, passed away from multiple myeloma on november 1st. after unexplained pain for months on end, she was diagnosed september 10, 2009 as stage III, the most advanced. Justin posted this "By way of explanation: http://bit.ly/D5qdH." via the Nine Inch Nails forum. late last night / early this morning he posted this on his twitter "Thanks for kindness. My Mom passed away 11/1 after intense and courageous battle with cancer. Deeply grateful for support. Time for healing."

and, for now, last but not at all least...

a very special little boy, Noah, who is 5 years old is losing his fight to nueroblastoma. His family is going to celebrate Christmas next week. Noah would like to have Christmas cards. He loves getting mail! Help us make this possible please! Send your Christmas card to:

Noah Biorkman
1141 Fountain View Circle
South Lyon, MI 48178

***i just wanted to add a note. this is a real story. my ma's best friend knows Noah's family. it is so sad what these poor children, or anyone living with cancer, has to go through.***

thank you to each and every one of you that help send positivity and peace into the world.
much love to you and yours.
be well.
~angela

ps: i got my referral in the mail today from my soon-to-be new neurologist. they sent me a packet to fill out. however, it says that my new-patient appointment isnt until january 4, 2010 at 8a. i'm going to call. i hope they can put me on a cancellation list or something. i'll keep you posted.

asking for help

2009-11-03T13:14:00.005-05:00

alright.
*breathe*

i think, at this point, if you know me you know that i am currently on approved medical leave without pay. i have been on medical leave since may 15th. i have had ZERO income since september 15th. if my application for extended disability thru my employer is approved, the earliest i would see a paycheck is january 25th.

this is what it is coming down to. i am going to need to ask for / accept financial assistance. i have applied for state assistance but my application is pending approval which they said could take about another 3 weeks for an decision. this is for the michigan food assitance program. according to my application results, they say i dont qualify for cash assistance. i have no idea why not.

i applied for forbearance on my mortgage. in 5 years i have never missed a payment. now i am 2 months behind. my application is still pending at my mortgage bank, also. and low and behold, while i am awaiting the bank to make a decision (which they said could take 30 - 60 days) i received a notice today that due to taxes and escrow my house payment went up about $20 per month. lovely.
however, i do have the house for sale. hopefully my first open house will be this weekend. i figure i am on medical leave and cant do anything really, so the days i dont have packed with dr appointments, i am just going to sit at the house with my "open house now! come on in!" sign in the yard. i know the market sucks right now, but my house is in a really great neighborhood and i only want what i owe on it. oh yeah, and i am trying to sell my appliances individually for some quick cash.

i was approved for disability assistance on a small personal loan that i have. it's only a couple thousand dollars, but the insurance on the loan agrees to pay the full amount of my monthly payments while i am on disability. they even kicked in retro payments. yes!

additionally, i have medical bills racking up and still have to eat and pay for home utilities. i keep the house lights off as much as possible. i keep the gas heat down and just layer my clothes and cuddle with my doggies.

i have never had a credit card. which may be a good thing, so that i'm not racking them up now. however, it also means that in my current urgent situation, i dont have anything to fall back on now that the cash i did have is gone.

anywhom, so, yes, i am to the point i need to ask for help. i have never done this. i have always been able to take care of myself and anyone else that might need it. this is new and very uncomfortable for me. but i dont have much other choice. i have had some offers from family / friends wanting to send me money. up until this point i have turned them all down.

long story short, i need help. if you are willing and able to loan me anything financially, PLEASE KNOW THAT I WILL PAY YOU BACK! --AND THAT I WOULD BE EXTREMELY APPRECIATIVE! i am going to keep a journal of anything i get and payback every single penny as soon as i can. however, please keep in mind that "as soon as i can" might not be for a couple of months. i'm still in the process of making payment arrangements with everything listed above... but i am hoping, if all goes well, to be moving in the right direction by february.

as it stands now, i need about $4,000. any small amount would be helpful.
words cant express my deepest gratitude for any help at all.
even the smallest amount is huge to me right now.

i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.
~angela

Harry Nilsson - Everybody's Talkin'

2009-10-31T00:26:00.000-04:00

Bruce Sprintsteen - Fire

2009-10-30T16:31:00.002-04:00

medical update on the kids in my life...

2009-10-27T23:59:00.002-04:00

i dont normally use pink text, but i will today for these little girlies!
my little 3 year old niece, Aubriana, has been undergoing testing for epilepsy diagnosis. my sister, her son (Austin 14), and her older daughter (Alexa 6) all have epilepsy. Aubriana has been experiencing seizures, so sis got her right in for testing. yesterday she had her first EEG and she did awesome! today she had to go in for breathing treatments and as a result, she had multiple seizures. she was in a controlled environment, but it's still a scary thing. heather (my sis) said that she had one that knocked her out cold and for longer than she has ever been out before... so, i'm sure needless to say, she was scared. we all are. heather says dr is probably going to put Aubriana on the same medication that Alexa is on. Austin is now 14 and was able to get off of his epilepsy meds a couple of years ago. hopefully the girls will "grow out of it" as well.

to learn more about epilepsy, please go to http://www.talkaboutit.org/

as all tuesday's are, today was clinic day for my little 5 year old cousin, Leah, who is battling acute lymphoblastic leukemia. she was diagnosed over halloween last year.

2 weeks ago her ANC was 456. 1 week ago it was 119. this week it is 200. the thing is, her ANC needs to be over 1,000!

please visit my cousin Sarah's blog here for their family updates.

also, my sister's live-in boyfriend has a son that was just diagnosed yesterday with swine flu... and his other son has been feeling sick, but not yet diagnosed. between my sis and her boyfriend they have 5 kids in the house.

please keep all of these little ones in your thoughts, prayers, meditations or whatever it is you do... they need some happy healthy strong vibes!

***this added wednesday 28 oct 09 - 742a - i found out my cousin ShawnDe has swine flu circulating in her household. she lives in north carolina with her husband, daughter, and 2 sons. from what i have heard, my cousin does not have it but her husband and kids do. add them to your good vibes list!***

medical update #6

2009-10-27T23:11:00.000-04:00

hey there punks and kittens~~

i saw my dr at the pain clinic this morning. i was scheduled for my 3rd round of injections, but after a long talk, we decided to stop the injections and try some other stuff (since the injections dont seem to be helping). i will still be getting the lidocaine iv infusions, though. pain dr is referring me to a different neurologist at a different hospital than the previous (incompetent) neurologist i had seen before. he said it might take a couple of weeks to get in, but i have other appointments in the meantime, so it'll be fine. he wants me to have another round of brain and spinal MRIs since my previous set was back in may. also wants new / different blood workups. possibly another EMG (i'm not at all excited about that).

i see my primary care on monday 2nd (unless she gets a cancellation and i can get in sooner). pain dr wants me to discuss with my primary care about possibility of getting me on a med that might be able to cover the spectrum of pain, anxiety, and depression all in one. most of you know that i despise taking pills, but i'll do what i have to for now to get better as quickly as possible.

pain dr says he would not credit all of my current medical issues with stress and anxiety... but he says that they could be a HUGE factor as to why i am not improving. he's got me seeing a pain psychologist as well. actually, he is referring me to a new / different pain psych next time i go in. maybe new eyes and ears will notice something all of us havent yet. fingers crossed.

no more discussion of cleveland clinic just yet. pain dr said that is still going to be a last resort.

last week i was having some pretty miserable tremor days. most of you know that due to pain and lack of money i havent been getting out much. i just stay at "home". well, one night last week my sis and i went to a little holiday / food expo at the local auditorium. i had tremors terribly that day. tried to curl my hair but i couldnt function my hand to use the curling iron, dropped it on my foot. then i about lost all of my food at the expo when my tremors kicked in high gear as i was holding my food plate. sis saved my chocolate chip muffin in mid-air! thanks sis!

i know it seems like most of my recent posts are depressing. i dont mean them to be. i am just trying to figure it all out. (with all of my pain, i cant go to the batting cages to take out my frustrations, so i am writing) i have always been able to take care of myself and others... this current helplessness is new to me. i have been low on funds, but never BROKE, before. i have never been late on my mortgage in 5 years. and now i am having to file for homeowners hardship assistance. my paid medical leave benefit through my employer has been exhausted, so now i have ZERO income. i have $23 in my bank account. i honestly have no fucking clue how i am going to pay for anything at all. tomorrow morning one of the local churches is doing something they call "daily bread". every other week, this same church, takes donations from grocery stores that have day old breads and such and they allow those in need to come in and take what you need for your household. now, it's not like you take all you can get... you sign up for your household and they designate how many you can get. like 3 loaves sliced bread, 1 bag hamburger buns, 1 bag hotdog buns, 1 bag bagels or english muffins... and so on. i know i cant eat all of it myself before it goes bad, so i either dont take all i am allowed, or i take it to my sis or something. i've tried to convince sis that with her gang of kids, she should take advantage of this offering, but she hasnt been there with me yet. i kinda feel a little bad about it since i dont go to church... but a good friend of mine goes to that church and she says the church honestly does not care. they just want to help. side note, i feel like some people in line are judging me. this is a small town. i see people there that i know, know of me and where i work. they know that i have a "good" job with nice pay and benefits. they glare and stare. i know that they dont know my situation... and i shouldnt have to explain myself... but i still feel like i am stealing from the poor.

anywhom... what was i saying before that free bread rant?!

yeah, so, my dr(s) are not ruling out that my stress levels are impairing my healing process.

there are A LOT of things i dont (and cant) write about publicly right now. the main reason is that some things, well, i dont know what i can and cant say to keep my employment protected. i lost my medical leave job protection when i hit the 6 month mark, and they gave my specific job away. so now, i am still "attached" to the company, but i do not have a specific job to return to. i have until april 2010 to get better enough to return to work, or they will "separate" me from the company. april is 7 months away, which seems like forever... but i never in a million years thought i would be off this 6 months i have been off through now.

my sister and her boyfriend and their clan of rugrats finally found themselves a place bigger than my house. they moved out of my place a couple of weeks ago. so, i am now trying to get my house ready to sell. nothing fancy... i have no money and no physical energy, so i'm selling it as-is for the most part. i think i am just about close enough that i am going to try to have my first open house this coming weekend. for anyone interested, i'll be sure to post it and let you know. tell everyone you know! i have fliers with all the info if you want to pass it along to family and friends... or i can email the info to you. i just need to get out of this mortgage! i am currently renting from a friend's parents' rental property. it is super-duper cheaper and it gives me the open availability to to sell my place asap since it is empty and ready to go!

like i said, there are sooo many things going on in my life that you kids know nothing about. i dont want you to think that i am bitching without reason. and i'm sure that some of my rants come out wrong or misplaced since i have other troubles i am not at liberty to discuss, or out of respect for other people i just dont discuss them publicly. so, please bear with me when i vent. and please bear with me if i dont return emails, phone calls or texts right away. just because you might see me logged in to a website, does not mean i am staring at my computer. i leave it on a lot of times so that i dont have to wait for my computer's start-up cycles. i only "just" got my cell phone in february 2006. i did so because i had met a guy online that lived a few hours away and my family and friends we all freaked when i said i was going to meet him for the first time. they didnt shutup until i got a cell phone before i went to meet him. however, part of me knew that it would not always be used for good... that evil could come of it... and that evil is the fact that many people believe cell phones to be personal tracking devices rather than modern convenience. *eye roll* anywhom, as i was saying, if i dont get back with you right away, maybe it is because i want or need space, time, sleep, rest, blah blah blah. and thank you in advance for your respect.

okay, well, i dont know that i actually made any points in this post. sounds like just a bunch of rambles to me. seems like there were other things i wanted to address or discuss but i cant really remember them. suppose i am going to curl up with my doggies on the couch, heating pad on my head, and watch my housemate play his wii zelda until i drift to slumber.

thank you for all of your love, support, well wishes, cares, concerns, prayers, thoughts, vibes, meditations, and such!
i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.
~angela

fingers crossed...

2009-10-27T00:45:00.003-04:00

my next few dr appointments are going to be kindof a huge deal. i cant really reveal what "might be" - but just know i'll be yelling from the rooftops if things go in my favor! thanks for all of your love, support, care, concerns, well wishes, prayers, thoughts, meditations and such.
much love.
be well.
~angela

this sums up how i've been feeling...

2009-10-27T00:13:00.002-04:00

a very quick rant, just to get it out!

2009-10-21T14:34:00.002-04:00

what the heck did i do in this life or any other life to curse me with what i am going through now?!

sept.28th i spoke with my mortgage people about fact that i have NO income due to medical leave & rep told me i must file for "hardship program" (8 page application) THEN i can file for "forbearance" (only a 2 page application)to help me with my mortgage payment while i have no income. now, today, i called & diff rep told me hardship program only lowers payment, doesnt help when you have NO income, & that i should be filing forbearance! i told her that a month ago i was told the opposite! she dealt with my "unhappiness" well, & walked me thru 5/3 online how to do it fastest way. but i could have done that a month ago & been done with this & had my mortgage (possibly) taken care of by now! instead, i have not been able to pay my mortgage for the first time in 4 years (this month) & it's getting late fees & damaging my credit. AND she is not sure they will retro help me, but she said she will ask about it considering the situation. GAAA!

oh... and while i was typing the above note, my employer called and said they are officially putting my job up for bid. so when i am able to return to work, i will have to apply online and interview and be awarded a new position within the company. and as of april 25, 2010 my medical leave benefit will exhaust and i will be separated from the company if i have not yet returned.

explanation of medical leave junk, and asking for your ideas

2009-10-16T17:51:00.004-04:00

this was written last night... but i thought i lost it when my computer auto-update-restarted overnight. bothered me all day that i couldnt remember everything to rewrite it (since i was in a post-treatment-zombie-haze when i wrote it about 1a). then as i was just now trying to nap but my tornado of thoughts was keeping me awake, i realized that i used the "edit posts" on my blogger to spell check and it has auto save! so, here it is.

more and more medical leave paperwork. as i have stated before, i am on what my employer is calling "approved medical leave without pay" since i have exhausted all of my paid medical leave (26 weeks worth). i am still "attached" to the company, but they have back-filled my specific job. so when i am able to return to work, i will have to apply online for a job, interview, and be awarded a new position. right now, there are no jobs open. just my luck.

also my luck... i am reading over the information on my "extended disability plan application" and pieced this together:

-i have been on medical leave since may 15, 2009.
-i have been on UNPAID leave since september 15, 2009.
-i am not eligible for extended disability until november 12, 2009.
-extended disability would allow me appox. 50% of my pay.
-per extended disability plan, i am required to also file for social security disability benefits.

medical leave paperwork cover letter noted:

-SS application can take several months.

-advised SS determinations have "entirely different standards" and more than likely i could be denied.

-your disability must be for "a period no less than 12 months"

-i have been off just short of 6 months, and was also sent a letter that states "after you have been on one year of leave and you are unable to return to work and have no impending release to return to work from medical leave you may be separated from the company."

-so, it seems a bit of a waste for me to file for SS disability benefits since
1) i dont meet the minimum requirement of 12 months off and
2) if i did meet the minimum 12 month requirement, i would be off too long to be able to keep my employment status active and would prolly be fired (excuse me, "separated") anyway.

but lets say i AM approved for at least the extended disability through my employer alone. my application is not eligible until november 12, 2009. then i am told it takes an average 60 days to be approved. lets go on the fast side and say it only takes me 30 days. november 12th my application is in. say, december 12th i'm approved. well, on this plan you get paid monthly "on our about the 25th of the month"... they say, that your initial monthly payment will not be until the following month.

the earliest i could possibly get my next paycheck is january 25th, 2010.
so, i have the terrible possibility of being on unpaid leave with no assistance from september 15, 2009 until january 25, 2010. (at the earliest!)

do you see now one of my major stress factors in addition to my health issues? i have, literally, no income. i am not eligible for unemployment or state assistance. (i would like to note that i have never used any form of government assistance and i refuse to, unless absolutely necessary. and i think now is the time i would need it, but i am not eligible.) no income whatsoever. medical bills piling up on top of my regular bills. i really need to get my house sold. i have never had a credit card. still dont. never been in a bankruptcy or foreclosure situation and i am trying my damnedest not to let that happen now.

honestly, i just dont know what else i can do. if anyone has any experience with a similar situation or suggestions, ideas, brainstorms... let me know! i am exhausted with trying to get better AND trying to figure out how this will work. i think the added stress of the paperwork / lack-of-income aspect is so very stressful it may be hindering my healing process, if even a little.

i know that sooo many people are going through sooo many of their own things right now. i am not trying to say my worries or woes are worse than yours. on the same note, i do know that a lot of you are going through, well, a lot... but that shouldnt discount the level of my situation. i hope i am not putting my foot in my mouth here. i just hope that we can all support each other and love each other and get through these miserable things together. i am always here if any of you ever want to write, email, call, text... whatever. i am here for you! i love you all so very much and i just wish we could all live happy, healthy and peacefully. together.

maybe that's just the flower child in me.

take care of you and yours.
be well.
~angela

please note: yes, i am grateful for what i DO have... a roof over my head (currently), medical insurance (currently), LOVING family, friends and canines, and each day that i wake up, alive (yeah, even though i am in pain... i am alive!)

a day in the life of medical leave

2009-10-12T15:58:00.003-04:00

my pain psychologist keeps asking me, "what do you do to relax?" and i reply to him, "well, nothing right now. because most of what i enjoy doing to relax i cant do with the pain in my hands and arms." drawing, painting, writing, artwork in general. he suggests that i write, since i fill our 1 hour sessions to the last second. but i tell him that i cant hand-write too much because of the pain. and just filling out all this medical leave paperwork is sometimes more than i can take. i type more comfortably... but still can only do it for short periods of time. which is why it has taken me a while between posts... because 1) i type until my hand hurts, then have to stop. 2) i end up re-re-reading everything because it sounds choppy with my here-and-there writing.

anywhom.

for those of you (and my pain psych) that keep asking, "what are you doing while you are off?" ... well, nothing. to be honest. nothing, really, at all. which i think is why my depression takes over quite often. i'm in a lot of pain that increases with movement and pressure. the more i use my hand / arm / shoulder, the more it hurts. even just sitting back in a chair that puts pressure on my shoulder blade or neck. laying down is a mess. i cant lay on my back or sides without pain on the pressure points... but i cant lay on my tummy very well either because i still have to crank my neck to the side on the pillow which pulls that nerve from my neck to my head. additionally, i have a lot of weakness in my right arm and hand, which makes even simple things difficult - even if i could work thru the pain. granted, i am doing my physical and occupational therapy along with the iv infusions and injections, but those leave me drained. i have difficulty sleeping for reasons my doctors and i cant figure out. one is pain, yes. but dr has tried me on some sleeping meds that are suppose to help with that, but they dont seem to help at all. i feel no difference when i take them. and i -d e s p i s e- taking medication. blargh. but, i do what the doctors tell me to do. they still do not have a diagnosis for me. the main dr i am seeing thinks that my previous drs couldnt figure it out because they were trying to lump all of my symptoms into one diagnosis. this dr thinks that i may have 2 or 3 different things going on. so he is doing pain treatments to see if he gets rid of one pain, what is still there and what might be causing it? ya know? he said these treatments could take about 4 sessions before i notice a difference. thing is, one can only be done once every 3 weeks and the other one is every 4 weeks. so that is why this seems to be taking forever. i am on my 2nd round of each treatment. last thursday i had the direct injections which totally suck! this thursday i will have the iv infusion. less painful procedure, but it makes me sick for about 3 days after.

so, i just sit here at my house. do a load of laundry once in a while. put the doggies outside for a bit. watch movies. look around online. read, when my head allows me to focus for a while. listen to music. eat. sit on my couch and stare at my doggies and think way tooo much about how the hell is this ever going to get better? i'm not driving right now, and even if i were it wouldnt matter because my jeep is broken. i am 100% broke financially, so i dont go out.

thats another thing that bothers me. i dread even going to the grocery store. my roommie usually takes me to my dr appointments or grocery shopping... etc. well, i tend to get weird looks from people i know from work that havent seen me in a while. i keep saying that i wish my skin would turn a different color so you could see where the pain is and that it *does* exist. ya know? i was so happy when i found this dr and he was doing my exam and he and 2 other drs in his office told me they could actually physically feel the damage in my arm / shoulder / neck. that may sound weird, but it was such a relief just to have someone say, "yes, i can feel that, too. i believe your pain."

all of this came just when i thought i was getting things in order. i was 2 weeks shy of starting a new job within the same company. a job that i believe would have been just what i needed and had been looking for. hours i wanted, new group of people to work with, less-stress job... i was really looking forward to it. i went on medical leave just 2 weeks before i could start my training, and havent been able to go back since. now, i am told, they are back-filling my job. so when i return to work, i will not have the job i was awarded before i left. i wont have *any* specific job. i will have to apply to whatever jobs are open, and i will still have to interview and be awarded another position.

most of you know that i have been planning to move, well, forever. my sis and her kids are now moving out of my house and i will hopefully be able to sell it quickly. otherwise, i have no income to pay for my house... or anything else for that matter. i have never had a credit card, foreclosure, bankruptcy, etc. now i fear my credit is going to be ruined. i dont need my credit taking a dive just as i get ready to move and will need to be filling out credit applications and all that jazz for a new place. ya know? i realize that everyone is having a hard time... in so many ways... but i'm the one that always has a way out. i take care of myself and everyone else. now i cant even take care of myself. i've never been in this situation before. if i need money, i work for it. i've had 3 jobs at once before. i am not afraid of work. now i cant do even one job. i always have a plan, or idea how to get to the next point. now, i cant see any good ending to this. i just cant find one, no matter how hard i look. "everything happens for a reason" isnt cutting it anymore for me. what possible reason could there be for all the bad things myself and / or my loved ones are going through? we are good people. why do bad things happen to good people? i dont understand. maybe i never will. i suppose until i am on the other side of this whole thing, i wont know the answer to that. maybe i'll never know.

well, i'm sure this post is just a mush of jumbled up depressing thoughts from a girl that feels trapped and hopelessly broken. no, i am not looking for pity. i do know that things will have to get better because, really, how can they keep getting worse? i know some of you think i am a downer... but really, i'm not always like this. i dont want to come off like "woe is me"... i just need to vent. and this is how i do it. i'll post this and send it to oblivion and no one needs to reply... but getting it out does help a little. and if you ever want to vent to me, please know that i am always here for all of you, as well.

i love you all oodles and bunches.
be well.
~angela

angela medical update #5

2009-10-07T18:06:00.018-04:00

here we go. i have been writing this on and off for the last week-ish when i feel up to it. so, please bear with me if it's drawn out. i think the last thing you all were told was that i didnt have enough details to talk or write about what was / is going on with my job / medical leave status. is that right? well, that is where i will pick up my story from. if after you read this you have questions or i missed something, just ask.

i would like to preface this with the fact that i have been with my current employer for 6 years and 4 months.

i call my medical leave reps all the time. fax and email them all the information they might need... and prolly even some they dont. i just want to make sure they have everything they need to keep my medical leave current and approved, and i know that sometimes drs get too busy to complete all your paperwork. so i try to stay on top of things. seems like i am always getting medical leave reps' voicemails.

i knew i would be cutting it close with my approved short term medical leave (stml) payroll exhausting just before i could file for extended medical leave. finally, one of my reps called me on thursday september 24th and said that i have approved stml until monday october 26th. and she sent me a letter (so i have it in writing). as of october 26th i would no longer have job protection under stml benefit. however, i am not eligible to file for the extended disability plan (edp) until november 12th. i still dont quite understand this detail. so, i was going to have to talk with my employer about allowing me off for the 3 week gap without losing my job. also, my stml payroll would be exhausted, so i would have 3 weeks without pay. now, i am not guaranteed to be approved for the extended disability plan. i am "eligible" to "apply" for it on november 12th. this is ridiculous to me.

so, thursday sept 24th i find out that my stml expires oct 26th and i need to talk with my employer asap about covering the 3 week gap without losing my job.

well, friday september 25th at 630p i get a phone call. literally, as i am walking out the door with my stepdad to go to his birthday dinner. we wait to leave since i am on the phone. one of my medical leave reps says that her office does random case audits and my case happened to be audited. they found "discrepancies and miscalculations regarding my time and payroll". so, i ask her what she is talking about. she said that they forgot to add in the time from when i was off previously for my broken foot, and that that would lessen my remaining time available. she went on to say that with the previous medical leave factored in, my medical leave benefit actually exhausted on september 15th, 10 days prior to this phone call. WHAT?! how did she not have this information when i talked with her just yesterday?! she had to know the case was under audit! i was hot! but i tried to keep my cool. i asked her "what does this mean?" she said, as of sept 15th my job protection and payroll are gone. they were already late paying me my medical payroll for a couple of weeks, so she said that now i just wouldnt get paid the retro-pay because it's not there. she said, "one good thing though, you are able to keep your medical insurance for 6 months." i said, "whoa whoa whoa wait... are you telling me i dont have a job?!" she said, "well, with the new dates, you should have returned to work september 16th. so now you will have 10 days unexcused." but this is not my fault! 1) i am not able to return to work right now, let alone 10 days ago. 2) even if i was able to return to work now, i dont have a time machine, how the fuck am i suppose to return to work in the past?! what the fuck?! these people are driving me insane! it's bad enough what i am going through medically, let alone dealing with all of their bullshit! (please keep in mind that i have 3 medical leave reps, one in texas, illinois, and ohio. how stupid. and each of them seems to pawn things off to the other.) rep says, "can you go back to work on monday?" ... uuummm... NO!!! if i could go back to work i would! i am not in pain and broke by choice! c'mon! so i ask her what am i suppose to do? she tells me that i will need to speak with my human resources and supervisor right away to ask them if they will allow me to keep my job yet stay on medical leave. she also recommends i call the clara abbott foundation thru my employer as ask about employee financial assistance. i ask, what about my remaining vacation time? (keep in mind this is on friday the 25th) -- she tells me, "well, with your 52 hours of remaining vacation time factored in, that would bring you to half a day yesterday, thursday." so i would still be 1.5 days in the hole. how is this happening?!

i write down every detail as she is saying it so that i can quote back to what she told me. which is also why i save voicemails and prefer to get emails and letters. anywhom. we go on to my stepdad's birthday dinner and i dont mention it. it's his night. i dont want to bring it down. we had a really nice night with a few friends and family dinner. i think we all needed that.

over that weekend i was a wreck. i couldnt stop trying to figure how-the-hell-is-this-going-to-work-out in my head. it was a mess. i was a mess. i've been having bad dreams and sleep issues for quite some time now... but since this weekend happened, i have had a completely miserable time sleeping, and when i do sleep, i am having ferocious nightmares. nightmares so bad i wake up sweating and crying and sometimes screaming. all this turmoil is tearing me apart inside and out. how am i suppose to heal with all of this?

monday september 28th i went to my employer. didnt get to talk with my supervisor, but i did talk with hr and employee nurse. i told them my story and begged to keep my job. they took notes and sent me on my way. hr called me later in the day and said that yes, i have exhausted everything. i have used all of my sick time, vacation, family medical leave and short term medical leave. my next option is extended disability plan, but for some long drawn out reason, i cant apply for that until november 12th. so, all said and done, i have no job protection as of 1/2 a day thursday september 24th. hr said that they will allow me to be on "approved medical leave without pay". i am allowed to keep my medical insurance for 6 months, but since i have no job protection they are back-filling my job. so, when i am released to return to work full-time with no restrictions (this is their requirement), i will keep my 6.5 years seniority and bid rights, but cannot go back to the job i had. i was told "you may apply for, and will be considered for, other positions for which you may be qualified." i will have to apply online and interview for each job. thing is, right now they have no open jobs posted! and the job i am losing is the job i have been wanting for a while now. job, hours, money, people... i went on medical leave just 2 weeks before i was suppose to start this new job i was awarded. i am very bummed about this. but what can i do?

so, now i am on "approved medical leave without pay" all the while my regular bills and dr bills are adding up. as suggested, i called the clara abbott foundation to ask for financial assistance. i never ask for help. i have always been able to take care of myself and everyone else. this is miserable for me. well, clara abbott foundation said they cannot help me because i am not currently on payroll. they said that you must be on payroll to receive assistance. i said, "i'm sure you get this a lot, and i am not trying to be a bitch about it, but why would you only help me if i AM getting paid? why wont you help me now that i have nothing?" she said the foundation has to draw the line somewhere and that anyone could go on a leave without pay and just soak up the free money. so they will only help people that are on payroll but struggling with bills. so, if i had called them 5 months ago when this all started, they would have given me money until my payroll benefit was gone. stupid stupid stupid. but i didnt know that 5 months ago. no one told me until after the fact. kinda like the whole thing with banks charging so much for overdrafts. you dont have enough money so we're going to charge you for being broke. the rich get richer, the poor get poorer.

now i am filling out and filing all kinds of paperwork on my own behalf for extensions on my billing due dates, as well as all of my medical leave stuff. multiple offices in the same companies (including my employers medical leave) keep sending me pages and pages of info to be filled out by me and my doctors. they are all the same company... why cant they just share the info? to top if off, each of my dr offices charges $10-20 each time i have to have paperwork filled out for medical leave. what the fuck is a person suppose to do?! a friend of mine suggested i get a temporary power-of-attorney, but i dont have anyone that knows enough about all my medical stuff to be of good use in that capacity. this, i suppose, is partially fault of being single and detached from everyone for such a period of time.

just as i think it cant get worse, i end up in the er, again. as many of you know i've been having serious insomnia. well, last tuesday i didnt get to bed until about 4a wednesday morning. i was up and down a couple of times. then i finally gave up on attempting any more sleep and got up about noon. went to the bathroom. fed my doggies. and while my doggies were eating, as i walked from the kitchen to the living room, i doubled over in pain. crazy effin abdominal pain. thought i was going to be sick, so i got to the bathroom as fast as i could. yelled for my roommie to let the dogs out when they were done eating. stayed in the bathroom for a few minutes and realized i wasnt getting bathroom sick, but my pains were getting worse. i told my roommie something was seriously wrong and i havent felt this kind of pain since before my partial hysterectomy in august 2006. (partial hysterectomy = only my uterus removed) i called my primary care dr but she was booked the rest of the week. they advised me to go to the immediate care center. so i did. my roommie drove me there. it's just over an hour away. i was there about 3 hours and all they did was urinalysis and bloodwork. dr finally strolls in about 315p says, "well, we dont do radiology after 3p, so all i can suggest is you check back in 5-7 days or i can send you to the er of your choice." what a fucking idiot! please keep in mind that this entire time i am still in pain! so, we transfer to the er that i prolly should have just went to in the first place. another waiting room. they finally get me in to a curtained room. 3 different people come in, literally, one right after the other (passing at the curtain) and ask me the exact same questions! gaaa! finally they did a quick over the clothes exam. eventually they decide to do a pelvic exam. *** warning, slight detail personal medical talk here *** they take me to a closed room (not a curtain room) for this. dr says he doesnt think it's anything serious, all my workups came back normal, but he is not sure what it is just yet. he is going to try to "manually elicit pain" via the pelvic exam... and if "by chance" he does, then they will order ultrasounds. but said he honestly didnt think he would find anything. then we got in the private exam room. i wont go into graphic detail, but lets just say that yes he was able to "manually elicit pain" and i about came off the table. i yelled, and tears were flooding when he did. he is a resident doctor and i felt sooo bad for him as he was feeling bad for me. and so, now for the ultrasound order. they didnt have time for me to drink 42 ounces of fluid, so they decided to fill my bladder with a catheter. i had never had a cath before, and i hope to all eternity to never have one again. especially painful while already having abdominal / pelvic pain. skip to ultrasound. radiologist was super nice to me. she talked to me a lot and showed me the screen as she was looking around. i am sure she was trying to keep my mind off the pain, but what she had to talk about wasnt much better. she pointed out to me all of the cysts on my ovaries. yay. she had to do an external and an internal ultrasound. oh joy. she took a bunch of photos and they sent me back to my "room". removed the cath (thank heaven) and we (me, my ma, and my roommie) waited for the dr to return with results. they said i have multiple small cysts on my right ovary. my left ovary has a cyst the same size as my ovary should be by itself. so, my left ovary is 3.3cm and the cyst on it is 3.1cm. they believe my sudden onset pain was a cyst rupturing. they think it had also been on my left ovary. they advised pain meds, rest, and return to see my hysterectomy dr asap.
so, the next day, i called my hysterectomy dr. they tell me she is on medical leave but i can come in right away and see the dr that is filling in for her. so i did. fill-in hysterectomy dr said that this current ruptured cyst would take about 4-7 days for fluids to absorb back in to my system, so expect pain to hang out for a while until that clears up. she confirmed that i have multiple small cysts on my right ovary, that she believed to be "non-threatening" meaning they are too small to rupture and she believes they could just disintegrate themselves. however, she said the large cyst on my left ovary is most likely too large to go away on it's own. she asked that i come back in about 2 months for another ultrasound, since there is "nothing emergant to be done". she said that i should expect for the large left ovarian cyst to rupture before then. she said if it does not rupture, and it grows, then they will discuss removing my left ovary. she said if i remove only my left ovary and keep my right ovary and cervix, i will not need hormone treatments. so, now i'm at the mercy of the lesser of two evils. either it ruptures and i am in agony again waiting for the whole thing to repeat itself... or it doesnt rupture, it grows, and they have to remove my left ovary. like i said, the lesser of two evils.

so, i no longer have an income, but i am still "attached" to my employer and on "approved medical leave without pay". i am still undergoing multiple therapies for my head / neck / shoulder / arm / hand things they have not yet diagnosed and the pain has not subsided. i am still in some slight pain / aching from the ovarian cyst rupture last week. but i think that is fading well. i am still having serious sleep issues. i have no idea when i will be able to return to work. my sister and her kids are moving out of my house this week, so i am going to try to sell that asap so i dont have a house i cant afford at this point... and i dont want anywhere near foreclosure. i have never had a credit card, my only major debts right now are medical... i'm just trying to keep my head above water. ya know?
vets said they are able to do KaiYin's radiation / chemo in fort wayne, rather than perdue or michigan state. that is easier for me. it'll take about 3 months. once a week for four weeks. then every other week for eight weeks. total should be about $2500. of course, she is still recovering from surgery, and i am broker than broke, so we cant start this right now anyway.

tomorrow (thursday) i have my 2nd round of trigger point injections. 1st round they gave me 2 in my skull (yes, literally, in the back of my head) and 7 in my shoulder / neck area. it is a lidocaine / steroid cocktail. friday if i am feeling up to it (since injections knock me out) i might have occupational therapy. next week i have my usual occupational therapies and 2nd round of lidocaine iv infusion. that one sucked as well. the iv procedure is less painful than the direct injections, but the after-effects made me pretty sick. each of these will be done once ever 4 weeks and they said it could take 4-5 times before i notice relief. glorious, right? but what else can i do? i am posting my schedule in the right hand column ------>>> if you want to keep up with me. or feel free to email me and i will get back with you when i am feeling up to it.

fyi... like i said, i currently have no income... so i'm having to prioritize... there is a slight possibility i might have to temporarily disconnect my phone for a bit. so, i'll keep you posted as i know more, but if you text or call me and i dont get back to you for a bit, it might be because my phone is off. i'll try to give a heads up if that is going to happen. so, email / twitter / facebook whatever is the best way to get me.

thanks to everyone for you continued love and support.
i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.
~angela

*** adding this 1054p, same night ***
i really feel like some people think i am faking this. (mostly the behind-the-scenes medical leave and such people) i have been off work and on medical leave for about 23 weeks. in this time, i have had over 30 dr appointments (i stopped counting after 30), i have seen 18 doctors, and been given 16 prescriptions. really, someone could possibly think i am faking this?! who would go to this extreme for time off? it's not like i'm on vacation here. i am in pain, broke, and stranded at my house unless someone drives me to a dr appointment or grocery store, etc. i just wanted to vent that. so, there it is.

i will not stop what is in my heart

2009-09-18T18:48:00.006-04:00

tomorrow will mark 12 weeks since Pablo's passing from cancer. he was 6 years and 6 days old. i followed his story for over a year and became very attached to his beautiful Spirit. i am not posting reminders of death... rather, hopes, that his memory and life are not forgotten and his Spirit can live on in the fight for all children, families, and friends that suffer from this terrible disease. i have a little cousin, Leah, who was diagnosed last november with leukemia. i have been trying to start a fund in Leah's name. however, the banks are making me fight redtape since i am not an immediate family member. i am working with Leah's parents (my cousins) in an effort to help ease their financial burdens so they can focus on what is more important than the money - their Family. i look forward to helping Leah and any and all children that are living with cancer. the bulletins i post regarding the Pablove Foundation / Pablove Across America are all about how Pablo's family are still raising money and awareness and helping every single child they can, in memory of Pablo, in honor of Pablo. for all we know, their efforts in Pablo's honor could help cure our Leah. i hope and pray for that every day.

my dog, KaiYin, is 9 years and 9 months old. she was diagnosed with cancer when she was 3 years old. she has had 6 surgeries in 6 years. no, she is not "just a dog". she is my dog. my dog-ter. my baby girl. my best friend. and like many kids with cancer, she doesnt let it get her down. she plays and runs and jumps and lives and loves. i will fight for her with everything in me. KaiYin has been home 8 days since her 6th cancer surgery... and she proudly sports her Pablove shirt to cover her incision areas while she is healing.

i know that i have a good heart and honest intentions to make this world better in some small way. nothing was ever mentioned when i posted Pablo notes while he was alive. now, he has only been gone 3 months, and people want me to stop talking about him. i will not stop talking about Pablo, or Leah, or children's cancer. i will not stop trying to raise awareness and help these children that cannot help themselves.

if you do not want to read what i write to know or learn who i am as a person, what i believe in as a human being and what i feel in my heart... then dont click the links, dont open the notes, dont friend me on myspace or facebook, dont follow me on twitter.

i'll end this post with and excerpt from the Pablove Foundation Mission Statement:

"Every year, the Pablove Foundation gives money to improve the lives of children with cancer, at both a national level as well as a local level here in Los Angeles. As we carry out our mission, we wave a flag for anyone to see. On it are these words: Kids get cancer too. They need your help. It’s not somebody else’s problem."

angela medical update after 1st lidocaine iv infusion

2009-09-15T13:47:00.003-04:00

first off, thank you to everyone for your well wishes, thoughts, prayers, meditations, and such while i have been going through this miserable medical mystery. i appreciate your support more than i ever get the chance to tell you. thank you.

yesterday was my first round with the lidocaine iv infusion. i think, initially, i was more worried about the procedure than i was about the after-effects. the medical office requires that you have a driver to take you home after the procedure. my sister took me for this appointment. thanks sis, i love you! i got checked in at the front desk and then a nurse came and got me. she took me to this little room with an over-sized medical recliner, a heart monitor, iv stand, and a waiting chair. she had me sign some papers and she explained to me how it works. she was super nice and kinda relaxed me when we started talking about our pets. anywhom, she hooked me up to the heart monitor and explained that once she got the infusion going she would start at the lowest setting and gradually increase the levels depending on how i was doing with it. she got my iv started (she was good! i barely felt a thing!) and set me on the first level. she said that basically i would start to feel like i had one tooo many margaritas. (which is why you need a driver) she sat and talked with me for a few more minutes and since i was doing fine she kicked it up a notch and left me for a bit. the receptionist came back and wanted to know if my sister could sit with me. i said yes, of course. Heather came back and said that she was going to walk around the mall but it was closed that early in the morning. so she sat with me and we chatted. i could tell i was feeling more and more drunk and i kinda had to concentrate on not laughing most of the time. nurse kept checking on me and kicking it up to the next notch. i was really having to focus on talking with Heather... but it was nice to spend some time with her. i love my sister very very much.

eventually the nurse said "now you're at full blast!" yay! i could certainly tell! it was so weird. i mean, i've been drunk before, but i havent drank in a couple of years and just sitting there with the drunk feeling coming over me was odd. she left me at full blast for a while then came in to disconnect me. she said i did well and that the front desk would set me up with another infusion 4 weeks from now. earlier, the nurse had explained to me that the people with the best results after this treatment usually are the ones that go home and do nothing but rest. she said no mowing the lawn or doing laundry or anything like that. she also said that they need me to keep a journal of how i feel from now until my next infusion. she said that i wont feel better right away. she said it will be slowly noticed things... like... i'll notice while standing in line at the bank that it doesnt hurt so much to stand there, or it doesnt take as much out of me to vacuum, or i can wash my hair, tie my shoes, or hold the phone to my ear for longer without so much pain in my hand and arm... and a list of other examples. she said they need me to pay attention to all those sorts of things and journal them.

i checked out and they set me up for another infusion on thursday october 15th. we got out of there and sis took me home. my roommie, Michael, had stayed home to watch my doggies for me. KaiYin specifically since she is only a few days out of her 6th cancer surgery. i got home and c r a s h e d! i didnt just feel drunk at that point... i felt hungover. i felt miserable. my entire body was angry. i fell over on the couch and was attempting to explain to my roommie how it went and i think i just passed out. he let me sleep. i woke up a few hours later, still "hungover". i asked Michael if he could maybe fix some dinner while i showered. he did. my shower wasnt really as relieving as i had hoped. but dinner was yummy! we ate and watched a movie, then i cuddled my doggies on my couch while Michael played online and read his book on his couch. i guess i must have passed out again because i didnt wake until this morning. suppose i needed it though.

and how lovely that i get to wake to dealing with medical bill collectors. really?! the bills they are calling me about are from appointments on 05.11.09 and 06.11.09 ... may and june... it's only september! it's been like 3 months and i am s t i l l on medical leave for the same reason i was then and they are already threatening me with collections?! they say i have 15 days to pay a few thousand dollars IN FULL or they will send me to collections. really?! you people are ass holes. and i realize some people "are just doing their jobs" but you know what? you dont have to be condescending, heartless rocks during our conversation. when i worked for blue cross and blue shield in north carolina i actually got "talked to" by my team leader many times about the fact that i was "helping clients tooo much" (kinda like mr incredible when he was his secret identity bob parr during his day job at the insurance place in the movie "the incredibles"). the way i saw it was, if someone is calling their health insurance company then either they themselves or someone they love has been sick or injured. they are going through enough without having to deal with money and bills. so i always did all i could to help them. we had a $500 cap per client that we, as customer service specialists, could issue to clients without a signature from higher up. so, if i could help someone, even with only $500, i did. anywhom... my deal right now is (primarily) docs and i are still trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me and why am i in sooo much pain! yes i realize i owe medical people money, but i'm on medical leave only getting medical pay and I AM paying my copays and percentage insurance at every visit and paying for my prescriptions and gas money driving back and forth ( i'm still not driving but i give gas money to the people that drive me ) keep in mind that i still have to eat and pay rent/mortgage and such... no, i cant pay your thousands of dollars er bills in the next 15 days. sorry. what they fuck do they expect?! gaaa!

-- clip 0:40 - 1:55 --

exhale. sorry about that, folks. this stuff just drives me insane. i am 1,000% grateful that i have a job with benefits and medical leave and medical pay and family and friends that help me when i need it... i am honestly grateful. but i am also worried that docs are still trying to figure out what is wrong and how to fix it and in the meantime my medical leave is almost exhausted but i am still not able to work and i worry about losing my good job and all it's benefits ... oh and i have suffered from depression most of my life, so that's a huge help throughout this ordeal. i am not looking for sympathy or pity or anything like that... sometimes it just helps to vent. even if no one ever reads what i write, it does help to get it out. the only thing about writing that does not help is the fact that my hand hates me for all the typing / writing so i have to do it in spurts.

okay... i have been writing this in between medical bill phone calls. these people are driving me insane. i think i have made/taken my last medical phone call for today. * ~~i need to fax some stuff which means i have to get out of my jammies and out of the house and be seen in public.~~ * blargh. additionally, my cell phone has been acting up. it powers off just whenever it feels like it. i havent been able to notice a pattern. battery is fully charged. anywhom, so i need to get that in to be diagnosed. yay, dealing with more customer service people. phooey. so, if you have sent me texts or called without answer and left voicemails, i am sorry. half the time i pick up my phone and notice it has powered off so i dont know what calls i might be missing that dont leave messages. i did the software upgrade on it this morning, but it doesnt seem to be helping.

*** nice, roommie just got home and said that while he is out running his errands he will fax my junk for me! yay! and i am not sooo concerned about my phone at this moment, so i suppose i will stay in and continue to rest today. that is a relief. ***

this is the current version (remainder) of my medical schedule as i know it to be, right now:

wednesday september 16th i see the pain psychologist for about an hour, then after him i see the occupational therapist who should be giving me a TENS unit i will take home with me.

thursday september 17th i see the pain doc for an "occipital nerve" block injection ( direct injection to the nerve in the lower back right side of my noggin ) as well as "trigger point injections" for the pain spots. yay.

tuesday september 29th i again see the pain psychologist

thursday october 15th lidocaine iv infusion #2

they told me that each time i go in for one specific treatment they will then set up my next appointment for the same treatment to be repeated. so i'll keep you posted as more appointments are made. hopefully they and i know more soon... the not knowing is sometimes the hardest part.

thanks again to all of you for your continued support and understanding.
i love you all oodles and bunches.
be well.
~angela

oh, social networking sites, what have you done...?

2009-09-12T18:12:00.011-04:00

last night just before i was going to cuddle with my KaiYin, i did one last check online. as usual, i refreshed my open tabs checking for updates and emails. when i refreshed my facebook i noticed the "friend suggestion" in the sidebar. it was a girl i was best friends with in high school for a while... she and i had "broken up" (for lack of a better term) for "high school reasons". silly teenager stuff. i dont remember most of it. there are a lot of things i have blurred from my past. anywhom. the caption under her photo said "30 people are mutual friends". i kinda did a "humph" to myself about that. then i went to hang out on the couch with my doggies for slumber.

while i was awake on the couch, i got to thinking about how strange that is. this girl and i have 30 friends in common yet we have not communicated with each other (or even showed any interest in doing so) for about 15 years. literally, 15 years. i was even friends with her older sister for a while, yet we never talked about her. that astounds me. i also find it a curious thing about many other people i knew earlier in life that i have encountered since becoming an "adult". i dont believe i have changed all that much. i mean, sure, i'm a "grown up" now, but i think all of my belief systems are the same. it's odd / interesting to me to see the way people i knew from high school react when they now see me back in my "home" town as an adult. many of them are still clinging to their high school popularity and still want that acknowledgment. some people that only knew me based on rumors still think that was and is who i am. others are completely open to finding out what's happened in the last 15 years and have actually moved on from high school days. i think a LOT of it has to do with one common factor i have found across the board... who moved away after high school and who stayed in this small town. i moved away, right away. i never did drugs or drank in high school. yes, i drank after high school, but i still to this day have never done drugs. i had friends that were potheads or whatever, but that never bothered me. many many times i was a DD, so i suppose it all worked out. some people got stuck in the downward spiral and couldnt get themselves out and/or did want help getting out. some of the "druggies" that i knew in high school have since turned around and now get high on the Lord. and that is all fine and dandy. whatever makes you happy. like i said, it is just very interesting to see who turned out to be what they are today in comparison to what they were back then... in addition to how they look at you now in retrospect to how they looked at you and treated you years ago.

yeah, so... i'm sure it was only because i was thinking about all of this that once i fell asleep, this girl from high school that i havent talked with in 15 years but has 30 mutual facebook friends with me, she appeared in my dreams. okay. not sooo strange. however. what is freaky to me is this:

just before i got in the shower earlier this afternoon, i did a quick refresh of all my open website tabs. i got a facebook notification " *high school girl* added you as a friend on Facebook. We need to confirm that you know *high school girl* in order for you to be friends on Facebook." really? no... REALLY?! this was just plain odd to me. weird. creepy. something i cant think of a word for. or maybe it wasnt. maybe it is really nothing to think about, and i just think too much about everything.
( yeah, i do that from time to time ) <<<--------- understatement!

anywhom, so i accepted her friend request and i suppose we will see how it goes from there. maybe nothing will happen. maybe we will just glance at each others status updates from time to time and that'll be it. who knows. but i just thought it was something peculilar enough to mention. feel free to share your thoughts. and if you happen to be said *high school girl* (you would know if you are!) i look forward to getting to know you again!

KaiYin Is Home From Her 6th cancer Surgery

2009-09-11T14:16:00.020-04:00

(backstory) Summer of 2000 I decided that I really wanted to have a dog. I was working at an animal hospital. Earlier that year I had to make the heart-breaking decision to put my cat, Jenae, to sleep. She had undergone 2 exploratory surgeries, 3 months on a feeding tube, and countless tests. I was giving Jenae injections at home 3 times a day as well as maintaining her feeding tube schedule, because I could not stand to have her in the hospital, away from me all the time. I took care of her for as long as I could at home, before she was finally admitted to ICU at the animal hospital where I worked. One of the toughest decisions in my life was knowing when to let Jenae go. She was in so much pain. I held her in my arms and told her I loved her over and over as they put the "sleeping meds" in her iv. Jenae was only 4 years old. Since her "illness" still had not been determined, I requested a necropsy be done. The results came back that she had a rare liver disease that is unique to large, wild cats such as lions and tigers. A small decimal percentage of domesticated cats develop this disease. Unfortunately, Jenae was one of them.
I had been paying as we went with Jenae's medical bills... and I was thankful that my employer at the animal hospital gave me discounts when they could. After Jenae had passed, I still had over $2,000 in medical bills for her. My employer found a way that between the two of us it could somehow be rolled in to their / my taxes and I just paid the taxes on it. Anywhom, what I am getting at is... there is nothing I will not do to help my animals or any animal for that matter. Originally, Jenae belonged to a friend of mine from high school. He joined the military shortly after she was born and when he left, I said I would take care of her. So my folks drove her to me from 5 hours away! Jenae is still a warm, fond love I will always have. Jenae was by far one of my greatest friends and I miss her every day.

I told you that to tell you this story is about KaiYin. My gorgeous, adorable, lovable, strong, faithful canine friend ~ KaiYin. After Jenae's passing, I didnt feel right getting another cat so soon. I was raised with dogs, but they were my father's hunting dogs and they slept outside in a kennel. The hunting dogs werent really for play with the kids... but we would take them on walks once in a while and hang out with them. Anywhom. I wanted a dog. My roommate at the time was not very keen on the idea, but I knew that my dog would be around longer than my roommate, so my mind and heart were set. I started looking at kennels, breeders, boxes of puppies "for free", any doggie you can think of, I looked at it! (it was very hard not to take all of them!) I would make rounds on my way home from work and on the weekends looking at all the pounds and kennels and rescues and such. I really wanted to have a dog for my birthday in August. But August came and went and I still had not found exactly who I was looking for. Finally, in October, I found her. I was walking through a rescue and saw the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen on a doggie. She was very skinny and somewhat shy. Her kennel name was "Elle" and she was 10 months old but only weighed 23 pounds (she now weighs 48 lbs.) I asked to walk her. So she and I went for a walk and attempted play in the grass. But she was guarded at that point. I was told that she is an American Dingo and that she had been abused by her previous owner. I had to have her. I had to save her and make her a happy dog. I could see in her eyes that she really wanted to be a happy dog! Those outstanding green eyes! So I applied for her and had to wait 24 hours while they did background checks and such. I also had to come in for a animal ownership course thing. After a couple of days she was able to come home with me!

I was sooo excited! I had purchased everything a doggies heart desires. The house and I were ready for her. Once I got her home, my roommate said that he didnt want her roaming freely in the house when we werent around. (he owned the house and i was renting from him) Anywhom, I had purchased a crate so that she could be crate trained - but I was completely against this idea. Well, the first night she cried A L L night and even peed and pooped in the crate, as well as, she kicked it all out of the crate and onto the wall! I-told-him-so. He was not amused. I never put her in the crate again. She slept with me or next to my bed on a doggie bed. (Now you would think *I* sleep with *her*... the bed belongs to my doggies and I squeeze in where I can!)

After about 2 weeks I still had not named her. I went through baby name books and websites... I wanted just the perfect name for her. Somehow I was calling her "girlfriend" until one day on the back porch I realized she was answering to "c'mon girlfriend, lets go inside" So, I knew I had to dedicate some more time to finding her name. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was hers...

KaiYin: (translation)
English = Celebrated Child.
Nigerian = Faithful Dog.
Arabic = Friend.

It was perfect!

Cut to 2.5 years later. KaiYin was now about 3 years old and we had moved 6 times in 3 different states. I was at home, grooming her, and I noticed a little bump on her left side between her back leg and ribcage area. I took her to the vet immediately. They said it was prolly just fatty tissue. She was scheduled for a dental anyway, so I asked for the vet to remove it when she was under for the dental. So they did. However, the vet that I liked, that I thought was doing the surgery, was not the one that did the surgery. It was the vet in that office that I dont like. Grrr. He only removed the lump itself without margins under the assumption it would be fatty tissue. I requested that he send it to a lab to find out (this is a small town we live in now). Bad vet said that it would cost about $50 for lab workups. I said I didnt care, I wanted to know what it was. So they sent it off and it came back... cancer. Go fucking figure. Good vet called me and explained that what would happen is this: the cancer cells in the margins that were not removed will gradually form a new mass. When that happens, they will remove it with large margins. I was still upset, but understood there was nothing else to be done at that point. So I had to wait. Wait for this terrible thing to happen again. She went through this 2 more times and I wont get into all the details, but lets just say that the good vet quit that animal hospital due to the result of something the bad vet did, and now KaiYin has surgeons out of state that we drive over an hour one-way to see. But they are worth it! So, this all started when KaiYin was about 3. KaiYin is now almost 10. It's so hard for me to think of her being *that* old. She has no gray hair and she certainly does not act like and old dog! I dont even believe that she knows she is *sick*. She has never paid any attention to the tumors when they form and she is SOOO well-behaved and tolerant of her surgeries. She's amazing!

Well, this is her 6th surgery in 6 years. I have easily spent well over $10,000 on this doggie for her surgeries alone. But she is worth every penny and more. I will do all I can for her. She is my dog-ter! My kid! My best friend! I have a thing about numbers and slight superstitions. I was born on Friday the 13th so I have always believed it is lucky for me. Well, KaiYin had her surgery on 09.09.09 and she is 9 years and 9 months old. I tried to think of that as a good sign after we dropped her off to the animal hospital Wednesday. When we picked her up yesterday, she was sooo happy! She is just an all around happy dog! You would think she doesnt even know she has staples holding her together for the next 2 weeks. She just wants to play and love! And I love that about her!

A little over a year ago I somehow came across the story of a boy named Pablo who had just been diagnosed with Wilm's tumor. I have followed Pablo's story religiously. I do believe "pablove" has become my religion. If you dont know what I am talking about, I am not sure how to explain it. It's feelings and love and faith in humanity, I suppose. There really are no words for it... but Pablo's dad, Jeff, does a beautiful job of putting it all into words on the PABLOg!
Little Pablo lost his battle with cancer this summer. He was only 6 years and 6 days old. I never got to meet Pablo or any of his wonderful family in person, but I feel like they are part of my family, with all that they have shared with us through their website. When I was in LA a week ago that was the big thing on my to-do list: Visit Pablo. My friend, Michael, went with me and we visited Pablo at Forest Lawn Cemetery. I left flowers and cards and a few little pirate figurines I had found. Pablo loved pirates! Michael and I just hung out in the sun with Pablo, looking at the glorious mountains and clear sky and all the beauty surrounding Pablo's space. He's even got a nice shade tree growing next to him as well as a wall, perfect for his favorite Geronimo jumps!

Before we visited Pablo, Michael and I had a Pablo Day. We went to Trails for lunch (one of P's favorite places - we also went to dinner later that night at Malo, another of Pablo's favorites), then we went to the Dangerbird offices where Pablo's dad, Jeff, works... so we could see the pablove mural. While we were taking photos of the mural, Josh from Dangerbird noticed us and asked if we wanted some stickers. heck yeah! I love stickers and Pablo and spreading the pablove! It worked out perfectly because I wanted to go in the offices anywhom and ask about buying another Pablove shirt. This one was for KaiYin. Josh took care of us and then we were on our way to Forest Lawn. (pablove mural photos 1 ~ 2 ~ 3 ~ 4)

When KaiYin gets out of surgery, they dont want her messing with her incision area so they usually put a wrap around her torso area. When I get her home, I usually change it out to a t-shirt. Now KaiYin has a Pablove shirt to wear! I know that Pablo loved doggies and I am sure that his Spirit is helping to heal my KaiYin. I really believe this.

KaiYin's incision / scars... photo 1 and photo 2 ... she has 1 huge surgical scar running parallel to the current incision, 2 toward her belly that run perpendicular, and 1 (not shown) on her chest.

When KaiYin goes back in 2 weeks for her staples to be removed, I will be talking with her vet surgeon about an animal Oncologist at Michigan State. I have no idea what this has in store for us, but from the sounds of it, doc thinks that maybe just a couple of rounds of radiation might blast this out of her system and she wouldnt keep getting the tumors. We can only hope. I hate to say it, but the only reason I have not taken her to the Oncologist so far is money. I just have not had the money. I, myself, had to have a pretty serious surgery a couple years ago and I am even now going through terrible health issues. I was off work from October 2008 - January 2009 and have currently been off work (on medical leave) since April 2009. I am not putting KaiYin aside due to my health issues, I am just trying to take care of both of us.

Loki, my 3 year 6 month old doggie, is going somewhat stir-crazy. She is English Setter mixed with Blue Heeler and all she wants to do is play play play with KaiYin! But she has been very well-behaved during this whole ordeal. I am very proud of her.

Thank you for all of your well-wishes and concerns. I tell KaiYin all the time how much everyone loves her and wants her to get better. Yes, I talk to my doggies. If you dont understand, maybe you should get a dog... they melt your heart... then you will understand!

I will post updates as I know more and as I feel up to it. Thanks for your patience with the gaps in my updates due to pain keeping me from the simplest things, including typing. (read my medical update blog posts for more information)

I love you all oodles and bunches! Dont forget to tell your loved ones that... every single time you see them and / or talk with them. I'll leave you with something I wrote in a journal years ago:

"For those of you fortunate enough to have Love in your life...don't take it for granted. Love with all you have in you...like each day is the last. Always leave your partner with loving words and a kiss...and greet each other the same way. Cuddle as you fall to sleep...even if you stray in the night. Set your alarm 5 minutes early so that you can cozy up before starting your day. Sit on the same side of the booth in restaurants. Hide love notes for the other to find. Smile at each other. Hold Hands. Hug. Kiss. Touch...even if it's just hands passing in the hall or your foot to his foot in the middle of the night as you reposition in your sleep. It's the little things that mean the most. Whisper goodnight, sweet dreams and kiss him even if he's already sleeping. For those of you fortunate enough to have Love in your life...don't take it for granted."

angela medical update with some significance

2009-09-08T20:34:00.006-04:00

well, i do have a bunch to tell about my LA trip last week... but right now i have medical stuff weighing on my mind, and folks asking about it, so i'll get that out of the way now. i had my first appointment (today) at the Kalamazoo Anesthesiology Pain Clinic. i was very happy with the docs i met and interacted with. first they sent me in to the pain psychologist, he does just what it sounds like, he helps you emotionally handle the pain you are going through and what it is doing to your life. then i saw one of the pain specialists. he talked with me forever in addition to doing a basic pain exam. it was nice not to feel rushed out of the office! they dont believe all of my pain is related. they think there may be 2 or 3 different things going on, but they are going on all at once, so some docs are getting confused trying to find one diagnosis that covers everything. so what this doc is going to do is, try to relieve at least 1 portion of the pain ( i think just which ever one subsides with treatment ) and we hope that if one of the pains will go away, it will help to figure out what the other pains are and how to diagnose and treat the leftover pains. does that make sense to you? it makes sense to me... but i was also in the office for about 2 hours talking this all through! so, this is what my schedule looks like:

(today) tuesday 8th for pain clinic consultation

(tomorrow) wednesday 9th drop of KaiYin to the vet surgeon in ft.wayne for her 6th cancer surgery

thursday 10th if all goes well, bring KaiYin home from post-op

friday 11th appointment has been rescheduled for monday 14th
~~friday 11th i have my first appointment for "lidocaine infusion" iv. i'll be learning more about this and i guess it's not as scary as it sounds. ( but i'm still kinda freaked about it )~~

monday 14th i have my first appointment for "lidocaine infusion" iv. i'll be learning more about this and i guess it's not as scary as it sounds. ( but i'm still kinda freaked about it )

wednesday 16th i see the pain psychologist for about an hour, then after him i see the occupational therapist who should be giving me a TENS unit.

thursday 17th i see the pain doc for an "occipital nerve" block injection ( direct injection to the nerve in the lower back right side of my noggin ) as well as "trigger point injections" for the pain spots. yay.

tuesday 29th i again see the pain psychologist

meanwhile, pain doc prescribed me with "Elavil" to help me sleep. but pharm is closed so i wont have that until tomorrow. for the appointments when i am getting iv and injections, they gave me paperwork with strict rules that i must have a driver or my appointment will be canceled. i havent been driving anywhom, but i especially wont take any chances with all of this going on.

so, this is all i know. they dont have a diagnosis for me since they dont know what pains are related to each other or what caused them. i could go on and on about all of the things i've been going through since what seems to have been the onset in april, as well as new issues that have arisen, but i wont bore you all with the details. i'll try to keep this simple until we know more. pain doc mentioned that if all else fails, then we might discuss the Cleveland Clinic or Mayo. but that ( i believe ) is going to be a last resort kinda thing.

thanks to all of you for the well wishes, love and support you have given me! i really appreciate it! even if i dont write updates or return calls or emails right away, please know that i am thankful for all of you!
take care of you and yours.
be well.
~angela

( i'll try to post an LA update in the next few days! )

*updated* 10 sept 09 at 128p
my appointment for tomorrow (friday 11th) has been rescheduled for monday 14th. also, last night was my first night taking the Elavil for sleep. yeah, it didnt really work. i took it about midnight and was wide awake at 230a. blargh. i was in and out of sleep all night/morning. it is only 10mg and doc said i can take more than 1 if i think i need to... for those of you that know me, i despise taking meds. especially for things that i think should just be natural. i dont have problems going to sleep... i have issues staying asleep through the pain. so, that is my update for now. thanks again for all the well wishes. i'll keep updating as i know more. *hugs*

Angela's Nine Inch Nails / LA Itinerary

2009-08-30T23:19:00.011-04:00

there are sooo many things that i want to do while in the LA area! we are actually staying on the Hollywood side of LA. i found an outstanding deal at a hotel over there that i just could not pass up. i am 100% going to visit a friend at Forest Lawn Cemetery. a friend that i never got to meet in person, but he inspired and inspires me in so many ways... Pablo Thrailkill Castelaz.
i want to hit up the comedy store since Pauly Shore has always been sweet and replied to every email i have ever sent him in request for LA advice. (unfortuantely Pauly wont be in town when i am). we also want to see the Hollywood Sign, Chinese Theatre... and all that jazz. i'll be sure to keep you updated! and if you have any advice or suggestions, please let me know! email me at imaginebttrfly@yahoo.com or hit my up on my cell, text or call, if you are fortunate enough to have my digits. i'll post as many photos as i can from my phone while we are there... you can follow real-time updates i post from my phone via my twitter http://twitter.com/imaginebttrfly or you can check out my photos only, here.

so here is our itinerary:

Tuesday September 1, 2009

Leaving our house about midnight Monday/Tuesday since
the drive to airport is about 3 hours.

DEPART : Chicago O'Hare 5:15a (6:15a MI/IN time)
Flight # 180 Airbus A320

ARRIVE : Phoenix PHX 6:46a (9:46a MI/IN time)

DEPART : Phoenix PHX 7:30a (10:30a MI/IN time)
Flight # 24 Airbus A320

ARRIVE : Los Angeles LAX 8:55a (11:55a MI/IN time)

Then we pick up our rental car and head to the hotel!

Hollywood Heights Hotel
http://www.hollywoodheightshotel.com
( i found a really great deal that was
less expensive than reserving directly
through their website or by phone )

Concert #1
Wednesday Sept 2nd
Nine Inch Nails
Hollywood Palladium
6215 Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90028

Concert #2
Saturday Sept 5th
Nine Inch Nails
The Wiltern Theatre
3790 Wilshire Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90010

Sunday September 6, 2009

DEPART : Los Angeles LAX 4:20p (7:20p MI/IN time)
Flight # 500 Airbus A320

ARRIVE : Phoenix PHX 5:43p (8:43p MI/IN time)

DEPART : Phoenix PHX 6:47p (9:43p MI/IN time)
Flight # 9 Airbus A320

ARRIVE : Chicago O'Hare 12:13a (1:13a MI/IN time)

And then we will be zombies...
gather our luggage...
roam the parking lot looking for our car...
drive another 3 hours - arriving at home approx. 5:00a
and sleep A L L day monday!

Nine Inch Nail / Aragon Ballroom, Chicago 08.29.09

2009-08-30T12:09:00.004-04:00

damn! last night was miserable! you can see the timeline on my http://twitter.com/imaginebttrfly i'll write something of more substance about it when i am up to it. literally, about 20 people cut in line in front of us & we had waited over 10 hours, we got inside & there was 1 row of people in front of us at the rail, LONG story short we were surrounded by most violence i have ever ever encountered at a show & my body/head couldnt take it so we got out of the pit & went to balcony where my pain persisted & i couldnt enjoy the show in pain so we left. i was in SOOO much pain & so hurt by the evil crowd. i know what goes on, i have been on the rail many times before, but last night was something beyond stupid and uncalled for. i hope the main 2 evil people that were mean to me last night get their karma. it was 100% uncalled for. so, now i am home resting for LA. we will have to make LA just *that* much better to forget chicago aragon.

Angela's Etsy Shop Now Open!

2009-08-23T20:55:00.003-04:00

hey there punks and kittens~~

i've finally got some etsy projects posted for sale! yay!

this is not my *GRAND* grand opening... this'll be my warm-up opening!

please keep in mind that i am new to this, so as i get more experience, i'm sure my projects will improve. i have a ton of ideas in my noggin that i cant wait to share with all of you! right now i only have one "department" in my shop open for business. i am working on 4 other departments of unrelated creations... but due to the physical set-backs i am dealing with due to all of my medical issues, i can only do so much right now. so please bear with me while i do my best to get the other projects going.

please do not feel obligated to purchase anything from me just because we are friends or family! okay?! if you have something you would like personalized or special ordered, i am more than willing to work with you to design and create something you will cherish for yourself or be proud enough to give as a gift! check out my "shop policies" and "profile" for more information.

thanks for all of your encouragement and patience as i have been working to make this something i am proud to share with you and yours!
much love.
be well.
~angela
etsy shop link:
http://tinyurl.com/angelapearl-etsy

quick note

2009-08-21T13:32:00.002-04:00

hey kids~
i'm still working on the details and glitches and such with this page. so, check back to click a link that might have been faulty before or to see what new things have been added. i'm new to this. also, i have about 4 blog posts in the works. most of you know that my hand/arm gives out on me quite easily now, so i'm getting in some typing when i can. i hope to have a medical~ish update posted this weekend. along with the link to my etsy shop that i hope to open this weekend. please keep in mind that my etsy shop will not have much of a *grand* grand opening. i wanted to be further along, but my hand is not cooperating... however, medical pay is not cutting it... so... i need to get some things up for sale.
thanks for all the care, concerns, and well wishes.
love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.
~angela

angeLA vacation

2009-08-17T17:40:00.004-04:00

hey there punks and kittens~~
i know, i know, that was a cheesy subject line...
but i thought it was clever--or cute...

i am attempting to plan a trip to lovely los angeles, california. i have never been there. my roommie is going with me for the last leg of the Nine Inch Nails tour.
arriving tuesday september 1 and leaving sunday septmber 6th.
(please see more details on the map below)

if you are in the LA area or know anything about LA, please by all means, dont hesitate to fill me in on ANYTHING that you can think of !!!

we will be renting a car. i think that'll be the smart bet.

stuff i (we) would like to do while in LA:

visit Pablo! (and Dangerbird)
Nine Inch Nails shows (of course, that's why we're going!)
Comedy Store and any other great comedy you can suggest.
Music!
Hollywood Sign
Chinese Theatre / Walk of Fame
Farmer's Market

i'm sure there is much more that i have not thought about yet... so if you think of anything, send it my way!

thanks in advance for all of your help and suggestions! much appreciated!
much love.
be well.
~angela

update, for now...

2009-08-11T10:05:00.003-04:00

hey there punks and kittens~~
when i started this page i had the best of intentions of posting all the time. well, life happens, and i havent been able to post as often as i wanted. i've got quite a bit going on, so i'll just give a quick outline... in no particular order...

KaiYin had another biopsy on the mass i found about 6 months ago and this time they did find cancer cells in the mass. she is scheduled for surgery september 9th. 9-9-09 hopefully will be lucky for all of us. she is my baby girl and i dont know what i would ever do without her. this will be surgery #6 for her. i know some people think i am crazy. i've spent (very roughly) about $10,000 on all of her surgeries combine. "she's just a dog" is not part of my being. she has not yet been physically sick or aware that she is sick... so the fact that i can find these masses and catch them when they are small and they can be removed, well, i'll do all i can for her. thanks to those of you that have sent well wishes to us. i'll keep you posted as we find out more.

the garage sale we had this past weekend at ma's house went okay. friday was a very decent day. saturday was nothing but rain and trying to get the tarps to stay up against the wind and rain. i think we actually had more traffic the day of the rain... but we had a lot of stuff covered with tarps so there werent as many sales. that sucked. sunday cleared up to be a hot but beautiful day. however, we barely had any customers. we had 4 families in the sale and i think overall we made about $1500. i only made about $115. but it's more than i started with... and i finally got rid of my old entertainment center. that was a big relief. still have a bunch of garage sale leftovers. if you or someone you know might be interested, get with me and we'll work something out.

my medical stuff is still a nightmare. i have been on medical leave for almost 13 weeks now. in the first 52 days they gave me 12 different prescriptions. i despise taking pills... and luckily, i am not on them right now. but that is only because they cant figure anything out so they dont know what to do with me. most of you know that i have been struggling a great deal with my neurologist to file my medical leave paperwork in a timely manner. he is terrible. i have had my benefits and pay suspended multiple times because he cant seem to fill out and send in paperwork / medical records when they are due. now, i know some people think, "he's a neurologist and you are not his only patient." i know this. i also know that he told me i did not need an appointment to get my bloodwork results, he said call back in 4 days and we could discuss it over the phone, and that he did in fact have the results on the 4th day, but because he still had not signed them for 19 days ( ! ) none of his nurses could give me the results. it took me driving over an hour one-way to his hospital and speaking with his office manager (after i made 29 calls in 19 days to his office) before i finally got my results. then they said his schedule is booked out by 2 months and i cant see him again until august 13th. what the fuck?! keep in mind, he has not started any treatments for me. so it's not like "hey, lets try this and see you back in 2 months" nothing. his assistant said "well, he doesnt have you on my 'urgent' list so lets just assume that no news is good news." no, lets not. i know that i am in constant pain and that i have been to multiple specialists for multiple tests and that nothing has been figured out. my employer doesnt want to hear that i am off simply to wait for my next appointment. they (and i) want me to be off because i am undergoing treatment to get better and well enough to return to my everyday life and work. i have requested a new / different neurologist but i have been told i have to wait to complete this august 13th appointment with current neuro before i can get a different one. i have been in a lot of pain and it gets really VERY intolerable sometimes so i finally just went back to my primary care and asked if they could suggest anything else. she is referring me to the spinal institute. i've been waiting about 2 weeks to get in there.

for those of you that dont know what has been going on, here are my "issues":
it started with sudden onset pain in my left arm. they thought maybe a blood clot but never found one.

severe pain (not headache) in the lower, back, right-hand side of my head.
pain throughout my arms, shoulders, neck and lower/back of my head.
(including frequent numbness)
tremors in my arms and legs
weakness / pain in my arms and hands (all the time)
loss of balance.
muffled hearing - mostly in my right ear (kinda like i am underwater).
vision is fine, i passed my vision test 20/20 but i am seeing little floating "spark-like" things and my right eye gets painful quite often.
loss of focus. i cant really concentrate when someone is talking for too long or if i am reading or writing for too long. (so i'm not driving unless necessary)
slight memory loss.

my blood levels are elevated and they are not sure why. i've had the same tests run 4 times.
i've had vascular and arterial ultrasounds in my arms and chest area, brain and spinal MRIs, surface and needle EMGs, and tons of bloodwork and tons of meds.

anywhom... my next neuro appointment is this thursday august 13th (also my twin's and my birthday). i'm trying to think positive thoughts that something good will happen. i'll keep you updated.

what else?
i am putting my house up for sale. for real, hopefully soon. i have had it for sale by owner, but no luck. i think i'm gonna need a realtor. currently my sister and her kids are living there while she gets on her feet from her divorce this year. but my place was only a temporary fix for them, so she is looking for something more permanent and i am looking to get out from under the mortgage. really, i am willing to sell it for what i owe, just to get out of it. hope something happens soon.

when my hand / arm is being cooperative, i am trying to work on etsy projects as much as possible. i have not posted anything for sale just yet. i am trying to get a handful of pieces in stock in the case i might actually get some orders! i need to make money somehow. medical pay is obviously less than my regular pay, but i have not been getting paid on a regular basis since my neurologist has not been filing the paperwork properly. yeah, so, i'll post my storefront soon ~~ but in the meantime, you can learn more what it's about at www.etsy.com

i've been having a pretty torrid affair with twitter. it's just an easy site to post thoughts and updates in real-time without the headache of all the profile junk (like myspace and facebook). this is me http://twitter.com/imaginebttrfly if you want to keep track. there is also a link on my sidebar, on this page, that shows my most recent 5 updates. if you get or have a twitter account, send me your link!

my baby beast (jeep) is still parked. not only because i am not really driving right now... but also because she is sickly and i dont know what is wrong. if anyone knows anything about automotive repairs - jeeps in particular - please let me know! my friend matt did some work on her a few months ago after the deer jumped out in front of me. it had been fine, but the last time i drove it, it went crazy and i dont know what is wrong.

well, i'm gonna post this and get on with my day. it's taken me a few hours to put this all together since my hand doenst have much stamina right now. (so much for a "quick outline", huh?!)

i miss you and love you all!
be well.
~angela

Regina Spektor - Fidelity

2009-07-28T14:42:00.006-04:00

"suppose i kept on singin' love songs
just to break my own fall"

Tori Amos - Sleeps With Butterflies

2009-07-28T14:26:00.003-04:00

"i'm not like the girls that you've known
but i believe i'm worth coming home to"

Stevie Nicks - Wild Heart

2009-07-27T15:21:00.003-04:00

i absolutely adore this version / video of stevie and this song. i've watched it and listened to it countless times. i collect vinyl and i think i love this so much because it kinda sounds like an old vinyl video. does that make sense? doesnt matter. i love it and i hope you love it as well!

KaiYin Update

2009-07-26T22:01:00.006-04:00

<<--- left to right
KaiYin, Me, Loki

KaiYin is my best dog in the world. she is my best friend. she is 9 years and 7 months old. she was diagnosed with cancer when she was 3. she has been through 5 surgeries to have masses removed. the least expensive surgery was about $2,000. a few months ago i found another lump. now, since the type of cancer she has usually recurs in the same area, it's sometimes hard to tell what is fresh and what is scar tissue. i took her in as soon as i found it, and they did a biopsy in the office. they said no cancer cells and sent us home. that was a relief. however. the recent couple of weeks i have noticed it seems to be growing ever so slightly. i called the animal hospital just now and they said i could call back after 8a and speak with her surgeon for an appointment. i need to get her in and get another biopsy. when i do this, if they ever find cancer cells, they keep her right away and do surgery. her most recent surgery was about $4,000 and that wasnt the most expensive one ever. anywhom... i asked how much the office consult would be... they said $120. ugh. this sucks so much. i cant get pet insurance on her because she has pre-existing. go figure. to top it off, i myself, am on medical leave and not getting paid on a regular basis. and when i do get paid, it is not a normal paycheck - it's only a percentage of my regular pay. i'm going to talk to them about setting up payment arrangements. we have been loyal and honest and appreciative patients there for a while now, and i am hoping that since they do love KaiYin so much (she loves them, too!) that they will let me set up some kind of payment plan. i have done that in the past, but with my irregular pay right now, i dont know what they will do for me. anywhom... i'll explain better, more, later about KaiYin and all we have gone through. i just wanted to post this tonight to let KaiYin lovers know. as far as i can tell, she never knows she is "sick". so that is a bit of a relief. i'll keep you posted as i know more.

be well.
~Angela, KaiYin, and Loki

"Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative." Mordecai Siegal

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." Will Rogers

when did we forget our dreams

2009-07-26T19:36:00.002-04:00

the dust of everyday life

2009-07-26T19:28:00.001-04:00

Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness

2009-07-26T15:57:00.003-04:00

· Have a dog.

· Compliment someone every day.

· Remember other people's birthdays.

· Say "thank you" a lot.

· Say "please" a lot.

· Learn to play a musical instrument.

· Sing in the shower.

· Buy great books, even if you never read them.

· Be forgiving of yourself and others.

· Return all things you borrow.

· Never buy a house without a fireplace.

· Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards.

· Take lots of photos.

· Never refuse homemade brownies.

· Don't postpone joy.

· Vote.

· Surprise loved ones with unexpected gifts.

· Let people pull in front of you when you are stopped in traffic.

· Hug children after you discipline them.

· Learn to make something beautiful with your hands.

· Never forget your anniversary.

· Slow dance.

· Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it's just a daisy in a jelly glass.

· Know how to type.

· Use credit cards only for convenience, never for credit.

· Think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures.

· Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.

· Pay your bills on time.

· Be tough minded but tenderhearted.

· Be romantic.

· Let people know what you stand for--and what you won't stand for.

· Show respect for all living things.

· Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.

· Keep a journal.

· Don't encourage rude or inattentive service by tipping the standard amount.

· Never cut what can be untied.

· Take good care of those you love.

· Lie on your back and look at the stars.

· Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.

· Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things: (1) finding the right person and (2) being the right person.

· Lock your car even if it's parked in your own driveway.

· Take a nap.

· Get your next pet from an animal shelter.

· Reread your favorite book.

· Own a good dictionary.

· Own a good thesaurus.

· Pay your fair share.

· Remain open, flexible, curious.

· Begin each day with your favorite music.

· Don't be intimidated by doctors and nurses. Even when you're in the hospital, it's still your body.

· Keep a note pad and pencil on your nightstand.

· Marry only for Love.

· Count your blessings.

· Never buy a coffee table you can't put your feet on.

· Never allow anyone to intimidate you.

· Kiss slowly.

· Kiss your loved ones good night, even if they are already asleep.

· Remember the credo of Walt Disney: Think. Believe. Dream. Dare.

· Never complain about a flight delayed for mechanical repairs. Waiting on the ground is infinitely better than the alternative.

· Always take your vacation time.

· Write some poetry.

· Never ignore an old barking dog.

· When loved ones drive away, watch and wave until you can no longer see the car.

· Keep a pad and pencil by every phone.

· If you are a guest at a wedding, take lots of snapshots and send them along witht the negatives to the bride and groom as quickly as you can. They have a long time to wait for the formal photos and will thrilled to receive the ones you took.

· Write out your favorite quotation(s) and place it where you can see it everyday.

· Offer hope.

· Never ask a childless couple when they are going to have children.

· Celebrate even small victories.

· Make an effort to attend weddings and funerals.

· Whenever you hear an ambulance siren, say a prayer for the person inside.

· When you are the first one up, be quiet about it.

· Include a recent family photo when writing to a loved one.

· Don't make eating everything on their plate an issue with children.

· When traveling, pack more underwear and socks than you think you will need.

· Be passionate.

· Never tell anybody they can't sing.

· Never tell anybody they don't have a sense of humor.

· Go for long, hand-holding walks with your loved one.

· Become the world's most thoughtful friend.

· Never marry someone in hopes that they'll change later.

· Keep a photo of each person you have dated.

· Don't buy a cheap motorcycle helmet.

· Never leave fun to find fun.

· Collect menus from your favorite restaurants.

· Put a love note in your loved one's luggage before they go on a trip.

· When you really like someone, tell them. Sometimes you only get one chance.

· Paint a picture.

· Pay attention to photos of missing children.

· Keep wetnaps in the glove box.

· Never sharpen a boomerang.

· Marry someone who loves music.

· Rescue your dreams.

· Love deeply.

· Laugh loudly.

· Don't expect different results from the same behavior.

sacrifice is...

2009-07-18T20:45:00.001-04:00

angela's nightmares and dreamscapes

2009-07-15T15:52:00.006-04:00

well, i knew today wasnt going to be great. but it seems like the unexpected is always hovering around me.

in the past i have suffered from night terrors. i think i am somewhat mid-range between nightmares and night terrors at this point. most recently i have been having terrible awful miserable nightmares. last night i went to sleep about 1130p on the couch. i fell into a terrible nightmare i couldnt get out of. foreseeing what i thought was going to happen in my nightmare, i felt like i was trying to wake myself up but i couldnt. i kept thinking "i need to get out of this!" i know they say dreams are only a few minutes long and that you have many many dreams throughout slumber... but for some reason your mind holds on to certain things and makes you feel as if you have dreamed the same thing all night long. anywhom... i felt like i was in this nightmare and never getting out. next thing i knew, michael (my roommate) was saying my name and touched my arm. i jolted awake with a blood-curdling scream that dogs for miles around probably heard. i was crying uncontrollably. michael said he heard me crying from the bedroom and came out to see if i was okay. it was about 130a. i had apparently been sobbing in my sleep because my face and pillow were covered in tears and i was sweating like crazy. i dont know what happened. i dont know where this shit comes from. i told michael that these pains in my head probably have nothing to do with medical issues... they are probably lost or dead souls coming through. i dont know. i was just trying to lighten up and calm down. make a sorta funny about it. he got me some water and tissue as i tried to calm down. i was 1000% expecting a girl who i believed was named mary to be reaching for me. but trust me, i was relieved when it was michael!

when i was younger i would have these ridiculous nightmares as well. if they could even be considered nightmares. i remember one time when i was maybe 12 years old, my sister and i shared a room. i woke up in the middle of the night and saw a little girl knelt down between our beds, with her arms crossed and resting on the side of my bed, facing me. she had crazy long hair and the first thing i thought of was it was my mom as a little girl. i actually spoke aloud and said "mom?" then she widened her eyes at me and if freaked me out and i threw myself under my blankets. i was laying down totally covered head to toe. keeping myself covered, i started to sit up, indian-style, and as i did i could see the girl sitting the same way under the blankets with me! i screamed bloody murder and my parents came running in. as soon as they turned on the light, she was gone. i remember that like it happened 5 minutes ago. i will never forget her face.

i do believe in reincarnation, afterlife, in-between life, alien life... all of it. i know many religious folk disagree with that... but the way i see it, it cant be proven or disproved... kinda like god. right? i mean, the bible is "just a book" when it comes down to it. just because you believe it doesnt make it real. and just because you dont, doesnt mean it doesnt exist. that's all probably for a different time, though.

i was telling michael today that if i wasnt somehow emotionally attached and felt trapped / stuck in these nightmares, they would make really great scary movies. horror movies havent been that great as of late. these would be movies i would be watching on the edge of my seat. but when i'm in them, even kinda as a viewer not always a participant, they are scary beyond belief. i was saying maybe i should do some hypnosis and have it video-recorded and see what happens.

i was talking more about what happened last night and michael said "that's was one of the first things you said to me last night... well, after AAAAAAA!" what i said was, "these arent my dreams. they're not mine" you know how your dreams are kinda familiar? like they are "yours". even if you dont think you know the house or a person or whatever, it's still "your" dream. kinda like, you can tell a musician's song even if you havent heard that specific song before. the song carries the same personality of sorts from that musician. or for lack of a better example, you know when youre watching a tarantino film. well, i know these are not my dreams. they are not. and i've not really been a participant (yet) per se... i'm more like an outsider looking in that the scary person sees and comes to get. anywhom... i'm sure needless to say at this point (but i'ma sayin it) i havent been sleeping well. no i am not on meds of any kind right now. no i did not watch a horror movie marathon or eat spicy food before i went to sleep. i dont know what the deal is. if you have any thoughts, feel free to share them.

i'm going to end this post for now. i know i need to fill you in on my appointment with the immunologist from this morning... but i'm still playing phone tag with 2 dr offices and the medical leave center through my employer. let me just say, this is hell. i need more than luck right now, but if you gots any to spare, send it my way!

so, i will try to write more tonight. we'll see how i feel. my right side (shoulder, arm, hand) are killing me. my shoulder blade feels like it is going to erupt from my back.

thanks, again, for reading my rants. even if no one reads this, it feels good to just get it out.
much love.
be well.
~angela

small medical update

2009-07-14T21:00:00.007-04:00

*warning... this kinda goes off on a bit of a tangent... just so ya know...

**also, just so you know, all of my posts on here wont be depressing... i've just been going through a lot lately. thanks for understanding.

in 12 hours i will be on my way to yet another new specialist for yet another series of tests. this dr is an immunologist. and go figure, my neurologist that ordered these tests is out of the country for 2 full weeks. this neuro is really getting on my nerves! his assistant JUST called to tell me this 2 days before my appointment that he would be out of the country. lovely, huh? i feel like i am being pushed aside and ignored. neuro's assistant said, "well, dr doesnt have you on my urgent list. so lets just assume no news is good news." FUCK NO! I AM IN PAIN! i have put in a request for a new / different neuro but i doubt the hospital will do anything about it. it's been 84 days since this painful onset. i am not at all afraid to speak my mind... especially when it comes to my health and well-being. i'm not afraid of doctors. i will say what needs to be said because i want to make sure i am being treated right. i know i can be straight-forward... but that is what i want from a doctor, as well. i'm straight-forward with you, you better be straight with me. if you cant figure me out and treat / fix me... admit it as soon as you have doubts so i can find someone that is capable and willing to take care of me. my only medical fear is the unknown.

it took me about 9 years, countless tests and doctors, 3 different state medical boards, petitions, and 3 exploratory surgeries, before i finally found a dr that believed my "female pains" were not "just cramps" and gave me a hysterectomy. fuck, it got to the point i was taking a $600 injection every 3 weeks that was a medication for men with prostate cancer! ($600 out of my pocket, after insurance, per injection!)

my current neuro told me that it would take 4 days to get my previous bloodwork back. i specifically asked him if i would need to make and appointment to get the results (i have a witness). dr said, no. told me to call him on the 4th day and we could discuss the next step over the phone. when i called on the 4th day, his assistant told me that she gave dr my results but he had to sign-off on them before i could get them. well, i called the office 29 times in 19 days before i finally broke down, drove an hour to the neuro office, asked for the office manager, and finally got my results. that is fucking ridiculous! in the meantime, i was under no treatment. i still am under no treatment! so while i am waiting for docs to get around to my case, i am still in pain and suffering. i am still not working. not driving unless absolutely necessary. no lifting. over-exertion... blah blah blah. yet i am STILL in pain. every single day. now, i am going to see this immunologist tomorrow for a 2 hour session of tests. it sounds like allergy testing, but the receptionist is kinda giving me the run-around about it. they said neuro wants immunologist to do an allergy workup since my blood levels have been on a steady incline. but they said "dont mix apples with oranges. this is no necessarily what is causing the pain and weakness in your limbs nor does it probably have anything to do with the nerve issues and pain in your head. neurologist just wants to run more tests before he starts treatment for the physical pains." really? that's great. take your time why dontchya. i know they are trying to sound all thorough and such... but i'm not falling for it. i think it's laziness. i feel like it is. it took me making a 2 hour round-trip drive and asking for the office manager after almost 30 unreturned phone calls before i got MY test results that i was told were in fact complete at the time of my first call. gaaa! oh.. and get this! they told me that if i have any "specific or acute pains that cant be tolerated, go directly to the er." really?! because i went to your er 3 times in 2 weeks and they keep saying they dont know what it is and i should prolly consult my family dr to see a specialist. FUCK! in the meantime, i am running out of medical leave at work, i'm sure my boss is running low on patience with my time off, and i am flat broke. i mean, i'm getting my medical pay (not on a regular basis) but it doesnt much matter when i'm racking up the medical bills. ya know? and to top it all off, i get these tests run tomorrow, july 15th... but i am told that neurologist isn't going to see me until august 13th!!! what the fuck?!?! *side note, august 13th is my birthday. and what a day it'll be, i'm sure.

okay, i'm going to end this rant for now. sorry if i got out of control here. i just get so flippin' frustrated with the healthcare system. i used to work for blue cross and blue shield of north carolina and i made sure i was pleasant and helpful in every way possible. i mean, think about it, if someone is calling a dr or health insurance place, it is most likely because they or someone close to them is not well. be compassionate. have a heart. be human. how would you want your family member(s) to be treated? how would YOU want to be treated? be nice to people. if you dont like working with people, then dont get in a profession where you need to be a people-person. simple as that. shit, i used to say that when i worked in a damn restaurant. "if you dont want to serve people, dont be a server." i would yell it in the back of the kitchen i managed, when i saw servers standing around.

for serious, this rant is to be continued. i will try to keep it tame. i'm just getting frustrated.
in the meantime...
thanks SOOO much for all of you that have sent well wishes, love, prayers, thoughts, chants, all of it my way!

i love you all oodles and bunches.
take care of you and yours.
be well.
~angela

my nephew, austin, moving

2009-07-14T16:10:00.010-04:00

i'm currently working on a project going-away gift for austin. thought i would take a small break and write for a bit.

austin is moving next monday...
july 20, 2009.

this photo was taken this past saturday 11th, when we had austin's going-away shindig at the skatepark. austin is my 14 year old nephew. he is the son of my twin sister, heather (my only sibling). he was born the week before we graduated high school. so he's been around about 5 years shy of half of my life. i care for him the way i could prolly never care for another kid. i know they say that there shouldnt be favorites, but there always are... no matter how much you try. i moved around a lot in the 14 years of his life... but i have always tried to be here for him when he needs me. and sometimes when he doesnt! my sister was young when she had austin and my family did as much as we could for her and him... so sometimes i think the rest of us get carried away and consider him a community-son rather than a grandson or nephew. i know at times we have all been overwhelmed. but no matter what, no one can say austin wasn't taken care of! actually, this kid is prolly spoiled rotten because of all of us! well, he's been with "us" for 14 years. his father moved to tennessee when austin was around 5 years old (if i remember correctly). his father didnt fight for custody at all and has only just come back into austin's life the past few years. now austin is 14 years old and after a lot of talking and struggle and love... my sister has decided to let austin move to tennessee to live with his father and see how it goes. i know that this is what austin wants. and franc (his father) wants it, too. i really hope that this move is the change that austin needs to help him get motivated and grow to be the person we all know he has inside of him. i was in high school when my parents divorced. i didnt have a childhood filled with turbulance. i had a "complete" family. i know austin is still longing for missed time with his father. i'm not going to delve too awful deep into that one. i know every boy needs his father. maybe austin needs his more than ever right now. i hope it works for all involved.

when i moved back here 6 years ago, i would take austin on weekends and we would have sooo much fun! whether it was just watching movies, going to dinner... didnt matter... we loved to hang out. then i got a decent job and was able to buy season tickets to the kalamazoo wings ice hockey. austin and i had front row centered behind the home bench. we would stay for the meet and greets after games. he was a member of the kids club and got to go down on the ice between 2nd and 3rd periods. he always got to choose dinner before the game. it was usually "mongo" (mongolian bbq). i got him addicted. the kid didnt always want to listen to my new-food suggestions... but he always ended up loving 'em! i miss those days. i'm going to miss sooo much once he's moved. we all are. i know that my sister wants to do what is best for austin... but i know this is tearing her up, as well. i know that austin's little sisters alexa (6) and aubriana (3) dont really understand what it's going to mean for austin to be gone like this ... until he is actually gone. and even though austin really wants to make this move... i think he's going to be more heart-broken and homesick than he wants to believe right now. i dont think he has fully realized how much my sister - his mom- means to him and his world. i'm sure that's the way many kids can be. as adults we can see those things, looking back. but what did we really know when we were that age?

austin is super talented! he has the heart of an artist. i'm happy about that. i have always had the heart of an artist... i was always told i got it from my uncle. that makes me happy. i've done everything i can to encourage austin's artistic ability. heck, the desk i put in his room when they moved in to my place is decked out with all the art supplies a kid could hope for! i bought him a drum set a few years back since he said he wanted to be a drummer. i think he is taking those with him and his father is going to let him take lessons. that really pleases me. i think music and art are such wonderful forms of expression... and a great way to channel so much that we sometimes just cant express any other way.

okay... the more i write the more teary-eyed i get... so i'm going to stop writing about this for a bit.

austin jordan alvarez... if you are reading this you better keep in touch with us! email, texts, phone calls, smoke signals... whatever! you better keep in touch! i love you oodles and bunches!
silly rabbit.

"and it breaks her heart"

2009-07-13T13:53:00.003-04:00

Dave Matthews Band - Grey Street (Live At The Gorge) -