a day in the life of medical leave

my pain psychologist keeps asking me, "what do you do to relax?" and i reply to him, "well, nothing right now. because most of what i enjoy doing to relax i cant do with the pain in my hands and arms." drawing, painting, writing, artwork in general. he suggests that i write, since i fill our 1 hour sessions to the last second. but i tell him that i cant hand-write too much because of the pain. and just filling out all this medical leave paperwork is sometimes more than i can take. i type more comfortably... but still can only do it for short periods of time. which is why it has taken me a while between posts... because 1) i type until my hand hurts, then have to stop. 2) i end up re-re-reading everything because it sounds choppy with my here-and-there writing.

anywhom.

for those of you (and my pain psych) that keep asking, "what are you doing while you are off?" ... well, nothing. to be honest. nothing, really, at all. which i think is why my depression takes over quite often. i'm in a lot of pain that increases with movement and pressure. the more i use my hand / arm / shoulder, the more it hurts. even just sitting back in a chair that puts pressure on my shoulder blade or neck. laying down is a mess. i cant lay on my back or sides without pain on the pressure points... but i cant lay on my tummy very well either because i still have to crank my neck to the side on the pillow which pulls that nerve from my neck to my head. additionally, i have a lot of weakness in my right arm and hand, which makes even simple things difficult - even if i could work thru the pain. granted, i am doing my physical and occupational therapy along with the iv infusions and injections, but those leave me drained. i have difficulty sleeping for reasons my doctors and i cant figure out. one is pain, yes. but dr has tried me on some sleeping meds that are suppose to help with that, but they dont seem to help at all. i feel no difference when i take them. and i -d e s p i s e- taking medication. blargh. but, i do what the doctors tell me to do. they still do not have a diagnosis for me. the main dr i am seeing thinks that my previous drs couldnt figure it out because they were trying to lump all of my symptoms into one diagnosis. this dr thinks that i may have 2 or 3 different things going on. so he is doing pain treatments to see if he gets rid of one pain, what is still there and what might be causing it? ya know? he said these treatments could take about 4 sessions before i notice a difference. thing is, one can only be done once every 3 weeks and the other one is every 4 weeks. so that is why this seems to be taking forever. i am on my 2nd round of each treatment. last thursday i had the direct injections which totally suck! this thursday i will have the iv infusion. less painful procedure, but it makes me sick for about 3 days after.

so, i just sit here at my house. do a load of laundry once in a while. put the doggies outside for a bit. watch movies. look around online. read, when my head allows me to focus for a while. listen to music. eat. sit on my couch and stare at my doggies and think way tooo much about how the hell is this ever going to get better? i'm not driving right now, and even if i were it wouldnt matter because my jeep is broken. i am 100% broke financially, so i dont go out.

thats another thing that bothers me. i dread even going to the grocery store. my roommie usually takes me to my dr appointments or grocery shopping... etc. well, i tend to get weird looks from people i know from work that havent seen me in a while. i keep saying that i wish my skin would turn a different color so you could see where the pain is and that it *does* exist. ya know? i was so happy when i found this dr and he was doing my exam and he and 2 other drs in his office told me they could actually physically feel the damage in my arm / shoulder / neck. that may sound weird, but it was such a relief just to have someone say, "yes, i can feel that, too. i believe your pain."

all of this came just when i thought i was getting things in order. i was 2 weeks shy of starting a new job within the same company. a job that i believe would have been just what i needed and had been looking for. hours i wanted, new group of people to work with, less-stress job... i was really looking forward to it. i went on medical leave just 2 weeks before i could start my training, and havent been able to go back since. now, i am told, they are back-filling my job. so when i return to work, i will not have the job i was awarded before i left. i wont have *any* specific job. i will have to apply to whatever jobs are open, and i will still have to interview and be awarded another position.

most of you know that i have been planning to move, well, forever. my sis and her kids are now moving out of my house and i will hopefully be able to sell it quickly. otherwise, i have no income to pay for my house... or anything else for that matter. i have never had a credit card, foreclosure, bankruptcy, etc. now i fear my credit is going to be ruined. i dont need my credit taking a dive just as i get ready to move and will need to be filling out credit applications and all that jazz for a new place. ya know? i realize that everyone is having a hard time... in so many ways... but i'm the one that always has a way out. i take care of myself and everyone else. now i cant even take care of myself. i've never been in this situation before. if i need money, i work for it. i've had 3 jobs at once before. i am not afraid of work. now i cant do even one job. i always have a plan, or idea how to get to the next point. now, i cant see any good ending to this. i just cant find one, no matter how hard i look. "everything happens for a reason" isnt cutting it anymore for me. what possible reason could there be for all the bad things myself and / or my loved ones are going through? we are good people. why do bad things happen to good people? i dont understand. maybe i never will. i suppose until i am on the other side of this whole thing, i wont know the answer to that. maybe i'll never know.

well, i'm sure this post is just a mush of jumbled up depressing thoughts from a girl that feels trapped and hopelessly broken. no, i am not looking for pity. i do know that things will have to get better because, really, how can they keep getting worse? i know some of you think i am a downer... but really, i'm not always like this. i dont want to come off like "woe is me"... i just need to vent. and this is how i do it. i'll post this and send it to oblivion and no one needs to reply... but getting it out does help a little. and if you ever want to vent to me, please know that i am always here for all of you, as well.

i love you all oodles and bunches.
be well.
~angela

First Post Generic Title

hey there punks and kittens~~

here we are ~ at my first post. i have in my mind how i would like this page to evolve. i'm hoping it will all play out on-screen as it does in my head and my heart. sometimes ~many times~ words cannot be used for certain emotions, feelings, expressions and the like. what i am going to share on this page is 100% me. uncensored. i have been keeping "journals" for many many years. i have decided to use this site as an open-journal of sorts. some past, some present.

i journal 3 different ways. all depends on my mood at the time and which form best expresses what i am trying to convey. i started, as i'm sure many people do, written journals. sometimes while searching for words, i would sketch on my journal pages. ( many know that i have been drawing since i could hold a crayon! ) after a while, i would sketch more and just jot down thoughts around the sketches. at some point during all of that i started cutting things out of magazines. i had bags and files of all these things i had clipped. i bought a few photo albums. the 3-ring binder kind with the plasticy peel-back covers. i started collaging my cut-outs into a clipping journal. i like having these different formats to express myself. sometimes, i cant conjure the words i want so i end up sketching. other times i cant draw just what i am looking for, but i can maybe find it in a book or magazine. i would really love to get back into painting. but i dont have the means to accommidate that love, right now.

i have decided to share this with all of you for somewhat selfish reasons. i feel like i am not truly understood. who is, right? well, there are many people in my life that i feel only know parts of me that they want to know and / or believe. for some people in my life, i have felt it necessary to ~let's say "sugar-coat"~ myself for them. i dont like that. not at all. many times i feel like i'm a misleading movie trailer. only showing the attractive parts to reel you in, then once you see the full movie you're like "that's not at all what i expected!" that can be good and bad. i want to leave some stuff to mystery and the getting-to-know-you part of my relationships... but i also want to step out into the sunlight for so many people that dont see the real me... and from so many people that i feel push me to the dark corner. why should i hide for fear of making you uncomfortable? that only makes me uncomfortable!

i want to be able to be myself and be loved for who i am. dont we all?! if you dont like what you see, that's your choice. i cant control that. and i'm not trying to. i've said this before... i think everyone should be their true self to everyone you meet. otherwise, you get deeper into a relationship and think, "yeah, i'm comfortable, i can be me now." and once you start showing your true colors later, the other person / people are wondering who the hell you are now and what happened to the person they thought they knew? no one wins.

most of my art is dated. and "you're so vain" has played around in my head while deciding what to post. please don't read anything in to what might or might not pertain to specific people. at times, memories will resurface years later bringing a flood of junk and / or beauty that i need to get out of my head and heart and onto the page. so just because something has a specific date, doesn't mean it pertains to a person or people from that day in my life.

i'll leave you this this first look at one of my collages. please do not hesitate to comment... or send me an email if you have something more private you dont want posted on the site.

much love.
be well.
~angela

( click photo to enlarge )