let's help each other!

it's pretty well known that i have been on medical leave for way too long. docs are still trying to figure me out. i have zero income right now. so, i am trying to think of creative ways i can make some money without hurting myself due to my medical restrictions. someone pointed out to me that i should do resumes for people. i love to do that sort of thing, and it's not physically strenuous. so, if you need a resume, let me know, and we can work something out. i do cover letters and all.

5 days in and no change from 2009 to 2010

to be honest, i dont even know what to say. i mean, i know i can form the words to tell you what has happened in the first 4 days of what was suppose to be my new year with new hope and resolution. maybe 4 days isnt enough time to judge the remaining 361. but this year isnt turning around from the last, at all really.

note:
first part of this post is about my phone... so if you just want my medical update, scroll down!

thursday i was out with ma getting some groceries, and my phone died. again. same thing that happened last time. just went to a blank screen and would not reboot. since we were already out, ma took me to the sprint tech shop in kalamazoo. most of you know that kzoo is about an hour from my house. but it is also the closest tech shop for sprint phone repairs. also, most of you know that this will be the 5th phone replacement in 11 months. so, i took it in. dropped it off. suppose to go back monday to pick it up. since i didnt have a phone over the weekend, the sprint rep emailed me with this: "We are going to replace your phone, but we do have special instructions that we will need to discuss when you come in." what kind of special instructions? this was odd. but i guess i would just have to wait and see.
well, sunday morning ma wanted to go to kzoo to look for some after christmas sales. so i tagged along, and she took me to the sprint shop. they gave me my replacement phone, but said they dont know why this keeps happening. the first time it happened, it was on the charger, and when i took it off the charger, it powered down and never came back on. the tech said it was entirely NOT my fault. it looked like it was in the middle of an update and froze. i said i was never prompted for an update, and he said it was probably an auto-system update. this time it was sitting in my lap in the car, and when i went to use it, it didnt work. the "special instructions" were that i must have again interrupted an update which caused the phone to freeze. so next time i am prompted for an update, select "no" and bring the phone to the store so they can do the update for me. i told them that i was never ever prompted for an update. i asked "cant you look in your system and see the last time a system update was made on my phone?!" they said no. they dont have access to that. they added that this would be the last phone replacement they would do for me since i have had excessive replacements. i was like whoa whoa whoa! this was not my fault! i did not break my phone! if i did something, i would tell you. but i did NOTHING. i went down the list of the 5 times the phone has had to be replaced and the 4 different things that went wrong with each phone. NONE of them were operator error. it was all tech stuff. i also told them that i had seen 7 different sprint reps in 3 weeks trying to get this fixed and they all said it was nothing i did, and the phone just needed to be replaced, not repaired. so the customer service girl asked if i wanted to talk to a tech. hell yes! she took me to the back to the tech area. there was more than 1 person back there, so i just talked to everyone hoping someone would feel my pain and have a better solution. i said, so, what youre telling me is that you have never seen this happen more than once before, you dont know why it is happening or how, you have no way to search your system for recent updates on my phone, but you are so sure it was my fault, that you are telling me if anything, at all, ever goes wrong with my phone again, you will not replace it?! then they pawned it off on a tech that wasnt there saying maybe i should come back and talk with her the next day. i said yeah, i would come back, but that i would also be speaking with sprint corporate because this is completely miserable. i had asked before about getting a completly different model phone. i said i absolutely love this lg lotus (aside from the fact the camera has no flash), but if it's going to have all these issues, i guess i need something different and more reliable. i was told it's not the phone, they havent seen this many problems with the lotus, and that i am not eligible for an upgrade anyway, so i would have to pay street cost for a different phone. i told them that a rep i spoke to at a different sprint store told me about a "secret department" that i could call and tell my story to and they would give me some crazy upgrade for a phone that was practically filled with rocket science capabilities. i told her i dont need something expensive and fancy, i just want my lotus and i want it to work!
fine fine fine, i gave up the conversation and said i would just take the replacement lotus and deal with any other problems IF they happened. all the while in the back of my mind i was composing my conversation i would have with corporate. so, i get back to the front and the sales girl is replacing the phone. she says maybe this one wont have issues since it is new out of the box. i told her i had new out of the box before. she was like "really? i thought they just repaired before?" i said nooo, i have all the boxes and everything at my house.

-flashback to when i asked a guy if maybe their store had a bad batch of lotus phones or something along those lines and he told me "no. it doesnt work like that. i think you just have bad luck." and i nearly broke down crying in the store. me?! bad luck?! he didnt even know a fraction of how those words hurt me.

anywhom... so, the girl is replacing my phone and a tech comes out to the counter. says that his store manager was back there and heard our conversation and didnt like anything that he heard, so for me not to worry, if anything happens to my phone, they will take care of me. they will not turn me away. they will do anything they can to make this right. they dont want me leaving mad. i told them, i am not mad with each of them as individual people. i am just frustrated with this situation and that no one would be willing to help me further. he said not to worry, i would be taken care of. so that was a relief. then the girl started up my new phone, and forced updates so that they could do them there. they said i should only get them about every 6 months, but when i do, bring it to the store to be done. fine with me. so an hour later, i left with my replacement phone.

i was told before i left that since i now have wireless backup for my contacts, that my contacts should be back on my phone in about 30 minutes. well, 5 hours later they still werent there. so i called the store. they said well, maybe give it about 24 hours, if they still arent there, call back. and wouldnt you know it, about 5 minutes after i got off the phone with the tech, my contacts popped up. hmmm...

but, so far (only 2 days in) it is still working. fingers crossed.

wow. that was long-winded!

okay, now for the medical update.
i have been on medical leave since may 15, 2009. tons of symptoms, no one can figure out what is going on. it has been almost 8 months, i have seen 17 doctors, been given about 20 different prescriptions, tons of tests and trial treatments... nothing is helping. the first neurologist i saw, dr mahmood, was terrible. he slacked on everything. he would be late to the office and my appointments, take cell phone calls during my appointments, i would show up for appointments (over an hour away from my house) and i would be told he didnt come to work and i need to reschedule - but no one called me ahead of time to tell me not to come, he told me i did NOT need an appointment to get test results - that i should call his office in 4 days and they would decide then what to do - i called 29 times in 19 days then finally showed up in person and asked for the office manager and told her my situation and she said that the dr had my test results, but since he didnt sign them before he went on vacation, they could not release the results for me. then when i did get the results, i was scheduled for another appointment that got pushed out twice in 3 months. this is not everything, and i wont list all of his incompetencies, but the final straw for me has been that i have 3 letters in his handwriting that write me off work due to disability, which i submitted to my employers medical leave center, but when the medical leave center sent him paperwork to fill out for my leave, he wrote that he had never taken me off work, and left the remainder of the forms incomplete. when i called his office about this, i was told that my medical records file was misplaced. needless to say, i have been talking with lawyers about him. but right now i dont have the money to do anything about it. so, my medical leave rep sent me a letter that my claim has been denied based what dr mahmood submitted. now i am in the appeals process, without pay, and if i am not able to return to work or get extended disability approved but april 2010, i am "separated" from the company.

two months ago i was referred to a new neurologist at a different hospital. dr jewett. yesterday, january 4th, 8a, was my appointment. they sent me a new patient packet i had to fill out and bring with me. so i did. i got there early. when i told the girl at the desk my name, she said she couldnt find me on the list, but that she was just filling in and the regular girl would be right back. i had a seat. then heard whispering and my name for a few minutes. i was called back to the window. they told me that on november 2 someone from their office rescheduled me for december 14 and i was a no show. what the heck?! nooo way! i was not at all happy, but i tried to stay calm. we'll figure this out. it's a new year and i need a new approach to things. they told me to have a seat while they sort it out. so i did. finally they called me back to a room. the nurse explained that on november 2 someone in their office called and left me a voicemail that my appointment had been changed to december 14. she also said that the dr was booked, so if i could stay, he would see me between patients. i said yes i would stay. but i also told her that i never received a message. i didnt want to start off on the wrong foot (me jumping down their throats) so i tried to keep calm and waited for the dr. he came in, said since he didnt have any file or records for me, he wanted me to tell him what was going on that brought me to him. so i started telling him from the initial onset of pain in april that landed me in the er. i got about 4 sentences in, and he was like "wait wait wait... tell me about such-and-such" so i did. as i would answer his questions about my symptoms, he would be "wait a second, you have this and this at the same time?" and i would say yes. and he would say that is not really possible, it's a mystery. and i would say, well, that is why i am here. this went back and forth with him writing on a blank sheet of paper since he had no file for me. and he would kind of shoot down what i was saying about my symptoms "you cant really have both of those at the same time." or " i've never heard of those 2 symptoms happening together." well, me fucking neither! i was getting frustrated, but i was quite pleased with myself for maintaining a civil attitude. so, he tells me, let's just stop right there and he'll have me put a gown on and he'll do an exam. so, he did the exam. i got re-dressed. and he said that he doesnt think i have anything neurologically wrong going on. he said that he would have to get my file, hopefully in the next couple days, and he would read through everything, but he really thinks i might need to see someone in the vascular field, because he's not sure it's neurological. i said, well, i have seen a vascular dr and that is who sent me to you, the neurologist. so the vascular thinks it is neuro, and the neuro thinks it's vascular. i also told him that the dr i see at the pain clinic thinks that i dont have one OR the other. he thinks maybe i have 2 or 3 different things going on, and other doctors are having a problem diagnosing because they are trying to lump them all together in one diagnosis... when maybe there is more than one. so, i left the office being told that they would not schedule me for another appointment until the dr reads my file and determines if he can possibly do anything for me.

i got out of there without shedding a tear. but as soon as i got in the car, and called my sister, i was bawling. i just dont know what to do. (and her come more tears).

when i got home and looked at my calendar for november 2, i called the nurse i had seen that morning. i told her that now that i have looked at my calendar, i know for sure that my phone was working that day. november 2 i had 2 dr appointments, and i got out of the first one early so i called the next dr to see if i could get in there early. so i know my phone was working, and i did not get a voicemail. i asked " suppose someone did leave a voicemail... is it customary for your office to reschedule an appointment with a voicemail and without ever talking directly to the patient?" she said no, not at all. and she reassured me that they know who this was and it will be taken care of within the office. and she apologized to me for the hundredth time. but that doesnt help me now. i am out a lot of time and pain and suffering already... and as time passes without help, i am worse off.

i called dr mahmood's office and made an appointment. they got me in january 28th, 845a. i told the scheduling girl i just wanted a check up. however, i am going to take all my paperwork in there, and confront him about getting my medical leave denied. i need to get a witness to go with me, and i might to try to borrow a tape recorder from someone so i can record the conversation. the only way i am going to get my retro-pay and keep my job is if this guy corrects what he sent to my employers medical leave center. medical leave rep sent me an outline of contradicting paperwork that dr mahmood sent. the speed bump is that someone within his office told me that portions of my file were lost. how convenient.

i am wicked afraid i am going to keep getting bounced around then next thing i know april will be here and nothing will be better and i will get fired. i have never been fired. and, i have been with this company for 7 years! 7 years! and even though i have been there 7 years, in the 8 months that i have been off, only 3 people (all of whom i knew outside of work) have kept in touch with me to see how i am doing. when i was still working, i used to make posters, and cards and collect money for get well cards and flowers and such for other people. for me, nothing. --now, dont get me wrong. like i said, there have been 3 people that have checked in on me. but they are people that i know outside of work, so i dont really group them in as co-workers. ya know? i just feel like i have been forgotten. and maybe since they dont care enough about me, i shouldnt care enough to want their concerns. i dont know. it just hurts.

i havent received any paycheck since september. 4 months. i have never had a credit card. which i am sure is good in a way, but right now, if i dont have cash, i dont have anything. i have been racking up debt to friends and family by borrowing money. i never borrow money. this is killing me. i am trying like hell to sell my house. i need to get out from under this mortgage. i have been talking with a friend of mine that is in real estate, and i think he is going to get with me next week to try to help me with the house. fingers crossed. i applied for state assistance, which i have never done before, but i have been told i am not eligible. it kills me that i see loser drug addicts feeding their junk lives with government money programs, yet i am a clean, honest, willing-to-work citizen, and i cant get a cent. blargh. i really believe anyone on any sort of government assistance should have to pass drug tests and child support background checks before they are issued driver's license and / or money of any kind. but what do i know?! i have been trying to sell some household stuff. as i am sure some of you have seen posted on my facebook, myspace, and craigslist. i just need something to bring in a bit of cash to float me until... well, i dont know until. until i get my medical leave appeal approved and i can get my paid medical leave i deserve. until i uncover winning lottery numbers. until i am miraculously healed.

okay, i have rambled enough for this morning.
i know that there are people worse off than me, and i do feel guilty as if my woes arent important... but they are. and i am trying all i can to take care of myself. and for me, a lot of the time, that is writing and getting it out. so, dont feel obligated to read what i write. but if you do read it, thank you for taking the time. for giving your time. i appreciate it more than you know.

much love to you and yours.
be well.
~angela

ps for those of you that have asked about other behind-the-scenes stuff with me... i'll get to that update later! thanks for caring!

**click to read collage**

need some serious advice about a close friend

hey there punks and kittens~
i need some advice, help, something. a friend that is very very very dear to me, (we have been friends, literally, since before i can remember), found a lump in her armpit/breast area. she said it has been very painful. she does not have insurance, so she has been hesitant about going to the doctor. well, i adore this little lady and tried and tried to get her to just go, and we would figure out how to pay the doctor bills later. i didnt feel this was something to be taken lightly. a couple of weeks went by, and she still didnt go to the doctor. so, i called one of my doctors, pretended i was her, asked if they were taking mew patients, and made an appointment. i was able to get her to go to this appointment (prolly because i rode with her and wouldnt let her out of it). doctor said that there are actually 2 lumps. she said with the sick kids in the house, maybe she could have swollen lymph nodes. but that with the length of time they've been there, she should have a mammogram and possibly further testing. doctor said that the mammogram would be quite expensive without insurance, so she told her of a couple place that will do it based-on-income or free. well, it has been 45 days (since the dr appointment) and she has not been to any of these places for a mammogram AND she canceled her follow-up appointments with my doctor. i dont know what to do. she claims that one of the lumps seems to be gone. i just dont know what to do. when i was out this morning, i saw one of our mutual friends, and she asked about the results. i told her what is written above. i told her that if she could mention it or do anything to help me convince her, please help! do any of you have ANY thoughts or words of advice for me? i dont know if she is scared or what, but she has always been around to harp on me about getting myself healthy, so i dont understand why she wont take her own advice?! please please please if you have any ideas, i'll gladly hear them all! might i add, there has been a history of this sort of thing in her family. from what i understand, one of her cousins has had 4 lumps removed (over time) from the same area.
thanks so much for taking the time to read this and if you can offer any thoughts, advice, prayers... we would be so very grateful!
also, PLEASE, if you know who i am talking about, PLEASE DO NOT MENTION HER NAME IF YOU LEAVE A PUBLIC COMMENT! i am trying to respect her privacy... but if you see her in person, i wouldnt stop you if you mention that you care about her and she should get help. also, i will prolly print any comments i get, and show them to her. ah ha! intervention?! we'll see how far this goes.
thanks again!
much love!
be well!
~angela

Pa's mother passed away... and a note from me

I know it has been a while since I last updated. A lot has been going on... I just havent had time to sit down and complete the post I started a couple of weeks ago. With that aside for now, I wanted to let you know that my Pa's mother passed away on Friday.

For those of you that dont know, Brian is my "stepdad". I call him "Pa" and have let the "stepdad" title only be used to differentiate him from my Dad/Biological father to those that dont know them. But I am happy to say that I was lucky enough to get 2 dads in my life!

On a sadder note...
Here is the obituary that Pa and his family wrote for his mother who passed away on Friday http://tinyurl.com/Norma-Reed

If you would like to send a card, please let me know and I will private message you Brian's address. Or, if you would just like to send a quick email, I will print it and take it to him.

Also, I would like to note that as far as I have heard, Brian and only a couple of his siblings are able to help pay for Norma's services and funeral. I am not sure how much of this he would want me to share, but I would really like to help him (them) and I dont know how else to do that other than, well, to ask for help. The services and funeral are just shy of $10,000. We all know how tight things are right now. Heck, just in general, I cant believe how much they charge for all of the arrangements being made. Taking advantage of people, especially when they are going through something tragic like this, is just sick to me.

Brian and his sister, Connie, were able to find a funeral home that will allow them to make payment arrangements. However, payment arrangements or not, the bill is still almost $10,000 and that is a lot for anyone these days. We were not sure how to word it in the obituary, but if you would like to, and are able to, make donations to the cost of Norma's funeral, we would appreciate it more than we could ever express. I dont want to post their address online. But you can send me an email or note and I will private message you their address.

Thanks in advance if you are able to help - in any way! Even just happy prayers and thoughts are wonderful! I have told Brian about all of the comments and well wishes I have received on behalf of his family and friends. Brian is one of the sweetest, gentlest, kindest, most family-oriented people I have ever known. And I can 100% say he is THE most honest person I have known in my entire life. I am proud to call him my Pa. And it aches beyond measure that I cant take away his sadness and suffering of the loss of his mother.

Thank you for your love and condolences.
Much love.
Be Well.
~Angela

from my heart

i have a lot of acquaintances. a few very close friends that i prefer to call family. and some wonderful family i am happy to also call friends. recently a handful of you have made me feel so loved when i have been so miserable. a note. a phone call. a voicemail. your simple kindnesses mean more to me than i can express right now. but i want to thank you for helping me feel less alone. i hope you know who you are... and i hope you know how much i love and appreciate you.

what's been going on... (medical update #7)

hey there punks and kittens~~
sorry it's taken me a while to get an update posted. there has been a lot going on. thanks for your patience.

my doctors and i dont believe the lidocaine/steroid injections and/or the lidocaine iv infusion treatments are really doing any good. in fact, most of the time i feel worse for days after treatments with no pain relief once the treatment effects wear off. doctors say that i am still pretty close to the baseline i was at when i first started seeing them. no improvement really. so this coming monday the 23rd will prolly be my last round of the lidocaine iv infusion. but they wanted to give it one more try.

many of you know that the neurologist i was seeing was a quack. i am seeking legal action against him. this is still in the beginning stages. and go figure, my employer's medical leave reps denied my application for extended medical leave based on what this fucking idiot that calls himself a dr had told them. thing is, i have letters and scripts in his handwriting that completely contradict what he wrote to the medical leave board. so now, i have to go thru the appeals process. they said could take from 30-180 days. and in the mean time i still have NO PAY. i told the claims rep i find it frustrating, ironic, and confusing that i have seen 16 doctors in this time off and they base their decision on the one idiot i saw that i am trying to sue. my luck is outstanding.

now my pain dr is referring me to a different neurologist at a different hospital. pain dr wants me to have another round of brain and spinal mri and emg. thing is, they cant see me until january 4th! the fact that this is taking so much time is hurting me a lot. as of april 2010, i no longer have a job. i only get 1 year of approved medical leave. and since my extended medical leave has been denied, now they have me on a temporary "personal leave". this is worse. this still keeps me attached to my employer, but i have NO pay AND i am now going to be billed for my health insurance. i know, i know, at least if have health benefits... but without pay, how do they expect me to pay for them?

i have moved out of my roommate situation and back to my house that i own. my sister and her kids were renting my house until they could get their own place. they moved out in october. just this last week i moved back in to my place. my roommate situation was getting out of control. i'm not going to express all the details... but it was not a good situation... and in fact, i think it was a huge additive to my already high stress and anxiety levels.

now i am back in the house that i own and am trying to sell. when i moved out of my roommate situation last week, i put everything in storage. so the only stuff in this house is me, my dogs, my nephew's old bed (which the dogs and i are sleeping in!), and the dining room set i am trying to sell. hoping that the first week of december will be ready for open houses. i'll keep you all posted. i'm trying to sell it by owner right now. i just want to get out of it. i dont want to have to upcharge a ton of money just to pay a realtor. we'll see how that goes. i am also trying to sell the fridge and stove/oven if you or someone you know might be interested.

my pa's (stepdad) mother is in the hospital with a lot of cancer and is not doing well at all. "they" dont think she will make it to the end of the year. i hate when they try to tell someone "you only have this much time left". they dont know. we dont have expiration dates. and i think if you tell someone they only have a certain amount of time, they get that in their head and heart and maybe dont try because they are counting down the days. it's a miserable situation. brian (my stepdad) has been at the hospital non-stop. he's suffering very deeply about this. without going in to their family dynamics... brian lives the farthest away and has been camped at the hospital... while her immediate family that lives just minutes away hardly stop in once a week. brian's heart is just breaking. and there is nothing any of us can do to make any of this better for him or his mother. it's just so sad.

i had another round of ultrasounds yesterday to recheck the ovarian cysts. i wont go in to the gory details. i dont get the results until december 4th, but the tech said it looks to her like the huge cyst on my left ovary might be getting smaller. they said that cysts can disintegrate... but that it'll be happily unusual if this one (because of the size - the cyst is the same size as my ovary) disintegrates rather than ruptures. i've had some pain for a couple of weeks, but they said it could be slowly breaking apart rather than one huge excruciating rupture. i can do without the excruciating! so, fingers crossed, this will get rid of itself.

there is more going on... but i'm kinda tired of typing right now. i know things seem to be crazy for so many people right now. i see posts on twitter, facebook and myspace and i am astounded by all of the miserable situations people are having to deal with. broken hearts, broken homes, illness, death, medical, financial, emotional... i just wish the best to each and every one of you. i love you all dearly, and even though some of us only chat online, i still cherish any contact i can get with you. (even though i would much rather give you each *hugs* in person!)

take care of you and yours.
much love.
be well.
~angela

(Everyone Needs A) Hand To Hold On To - John Mellencamp

requesting positivity & peace for my friends & family

hey there friends and family~~
i would like to take some time to request your support for some people that are very important in my life. anything you want to send, whether it be good vibes, thoughts, prayers, meditations, smoke signals... whatever... these people could really use some positive power.

My sister, Heather.
Heather is a private person, so i will respect her privacy and not give details. Heather has some could-be-serious medical stuff going on with herself recently. i went with her to a doctor appointment yesterday, and they want her to get some tests in the next couple of weeks then she will be seen again in about 2 weeks for a recheck and test results. i absolutely treasure my sister, and so very much want her to be happy and healthy.

My Pa and his family.
Brian is my "stepdad"... but he is really more like a 2nd dad to me. His mother is extremely ill with cancer. I wont go in to details, but she is not doing well. As any family would, they are struggling trying to wrap their heads and hearts around this miserable illness and what it has done, and continues to do, to their family. To make matters worse, we got a phone call today that Brian's grandfather has cancer. G'pa will be going to the V.A. Hospital, from what I understand. Everyone in this world is important to someone. Brian is, beyond words, important to me. I cant stand to see him suffer, as he cant stand to see his mother and grandfather suffer, and not be able to do anything about it. cancer is a miserable miserable scum.

My Niece, Aubriana.
Aubriana will be 4 years old in January. she is the youngest of my sister's 3 children. she is also the 3rd of the 3 to be diagnosed with epilepsy (my sis has epilepsy as well). they say it is a freak occurrence that my sister and all of her children have it. Aubriana had her first EEG last week and they have started her on depakote, which is also what Alexa (her 6 year old sister) is on. all of these kids have been so strong, and such troopers considering all they have to go through and so little that they can understand. learn more about epilepsy.

My little cousin, Leah, and her family.
Leah is 5 years old. Halloween 2008 Leah was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL). they were told she would have to undergo about 2 years of treatment. hopefully, they are 1/2 way through at this point. she is an amazing child with a spectacular spirit! recently, her ANC levels have been far below what they need to be. she has clinic every tuesday. her ANC needs to be over 1,000... 3 weeks ago her ANC was 456. 2 weeks ago it was 119. 1 week it was 200. this is the update Leah's mom (my cousin Sarah) sent us "Counts are still low today. We are holding chemo for another week. If her ANC is still low next week then they'll do a bone marrow to verify that nothing abnormal is going on. There continue to be no abnormal cells in her blood though. Thank you all for your prayers and please continue to pray for her." for more Leah updates, please check out their family blog here.

My good friend, and a splendid artist, Jess. i dont know how much of her story i am at liberty to discuss. but please please please send her some good vibes! *hugs*

My friend, Jennifer.
her father, who was a co-worker of mine, and he was a super sweet guy... passed away friday morning about 930a from lou gehrig's disease. i believe he was just diagnosed june 2009. i wasnt able to make it to his funeral, but i heard it was beautifully done.

Justin Meldal-Johnsen (most recently of Nine Inch Nails) is a spectacular musician that i absolutely adore. his mother, Marcia Smith, passed away from multiple myeloma on november 1st. after unexplained pain for months on end, she was diagnosed september 10, 2009 as stage III, the most advanced. Justin posted this "By way of explanation: http://bit.ly/D5qdH." via the Nine Inch Nails forum. late last night / early this morning he posted this on his twitter "Thanks for kindness. My Mom passed away 11/1 after intense and courageous battle with cancer. Deeply grateful for support. Time for healing."

and, for now, last but not at all least...

a very special little boy, Noah, who is 5 years old is losing his fight to nueroblastoma. His family is going to celebrate Christmas next week. Noah would like to have Christmas cards. He loves getting mail! Help us make this possible please! Send your Christmas card to:

Noah Biorkman
1141 Fountain View Circle
South Lyon, MI 48178

***i just wanted to add a note. this is a real story. my ma's best friend knows Noah's family. it is so sad what these poor children, or anyone living with cancer, has to go through.***

thank you to each and every one of you that help send positivity and peace into the world.
much love to you and yours.
be well.
~angela

ps: i got my referral in the mail today from my soon-to-be new neurologist. they sent me a packet to fill out. however, it says that my new-patient appointment isnt until january 4, 2010 at 8a. i'm going to call. i hope they can put me on a cancellation list or something. i'll keep you posted.

asking for help

alright.
*breathe*

i think, at this point, if you know me you know that i am currently on approved medical leave without pay. i have been on medical leave since may 15th. i have had ZERO income since september 15th. if my application for extended disability thru my employer is approved, the earliest i would see a paycheck is january 25th.

this is what it is coming down to. i am going to need to ask for / accept financial assistance. i have applied for state assistance but my application is pending approval which they said could take about another 3 weeks for an decision. this is for the michigan food assitance program. according to my application results, they say i dont qualify for cash assistance. i have no idea why not.

i applied for forbearance on my mortgage. in 5 years i have never missed a payment. now i am 2 months behind. my application is still pending at my mortgage bank, also. and low and behold, while i am awaiting the bank to make a decision (which they said could take 30 - 60 days) i received a notice today that due to taxes and escrow my house payment went up about $20 per month. lovely.
however, i do have the house for sale. hopefully my first open house will be this weekend. i figure i am on medical leave and cant do anything really, so the days i dont have packed with dr appointments, i am just going to sit at the house with my "open house now! come on in!" sign in the yard. i know the market sucks right now, but my house is in a really great neighborhood and i only want what i owe on it. oh yeah, and i am trying to sell my appliances individually for some quick cash.

i was approved for disability assistance on a small personal loan that i have. it's only a couple thousand dollars, but the insurance on the loan agrees to pay the full amount of my monthly payments while i am on disability. they even kicked in retro payments. yes!

additionally, i have medical bills racking up and still have to eat and pay for home utilities. i keep the house lights off as much as possible. i keep the gas heat down and just layer my clothes and cuddle with my doggies.

i have never had a credit card. which may be a good thing, so that i'm not racking them up now. however, it also means that in my current urgent situation, i dont have anything to fall back on now that the cash i did have is gone.

anywhom, so, yes, i am to the point i need to ask for help. i have never done this. i have always been able to take care of myself and anyone else that might need it. this is new and very uncomfortable for me. but i dont have much other choice. i have had some offers from family / friends wanting to send me money. up until this point i have turned them all down.

long story short, i need help. if you are willing and able to loan me anything financially, PLEASE KNOW THAT I WILL PAY YOU BACK! --AND THAT I WOULD BE EXTREMELY APPRECIATIVE! i am going to keep a journal of anything i get and payback every single penny as soon as i can. however, please keep in mind that "as soon as i can" might not be for a couple of months. i'm still in the process of making payment arrangements with everything listed above... but i am hoping, if all goes well, to be moving in the right direction by february.

as it stands now, i need about $4,000. any small amount would be helpful.
words cant express my deepest gratitude for any help at all.
even the smallest amount is huge to me right now.

i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.
~angela

medical update on the kids in my life...

i dont normally use pink text, but i will today for these little girlies!
my little 3 year old niece, Aubriana, has been undergoing testing for epilepsy diagnosis. my sister, her son (Austin 14), and her older daughter (Alexa 6) all have epilepsy. Aubriana has been experiencing seizures, so sis got her right in for testing. yesterday she had her first EEG and she did awesome! today she had to go in for breathing treatments and as a result, she had multiple seizures. she was in a controlled environment, but it's still a scary thing. heather (my sis) said that she had one that knocked her out cold and for longer than she has ever been out before... so, i'm sure needless to say, she was scared. we all are. heather says dr is probably going to put Aubriana on the same medication that Alexa is on. Austin is now 14 and was able to get off of his epilepsy meds a couple of years ago. hopefully the girls will "grow out of it" as well.

to learn more about epilepsy, please go to http://www.talkaboutit.org/


as all tuesday's are, today was clinic day for my little 5 year old cousin, Leah, who is battling acute lymphoblastic leukemia. she was diagnosed over halloween last year.

2 weeks ago her ANC was 456. 1 week ago it was 119. this week it is 200. the thing is, her ANC needs to be over 1,000!

please visit my cousin Sarah's blog here for their family updates.



also, my sister's live-in boyfriend has a son that was just diagnosed yesterday with swine flu... and his other son has been feeling sick, but not yet diagnosed. between my sis and her boyfriend they have 5 kids in the house.

please keep all of these little ones in your thoughts, prayers, meditations or whatever it is you do... they need some happy healthy strong vibes!

***this added wednesday 28 oct 09 - 742a - i found out my cousin ShawnDe has swine flu circulating in her household. she lives in north carolina with her husband, daughter, and 2 sons. from what i have heard, my cousin does not have it but her husband and kids do. add them to your good vibes list!***

explanation of medical leave junk, and asking for your ideas

this was written last night... but i thought i lost it when my computer auto-update-restarted overnight. bothered me all day that i couldnt remember everything to rewrite it (since i was in a post-treatment-zombie-haze when i wrote it about 1a). then as i was just now trying to nap but my tornado of thoughts was keeping me awake, i realized that i used the "edit posts" on my blogger to spell check and it has auto save! so, here it is.

more and more medical leave paperwork. as i have stated before, i am on what my employer is calling "approved medical leave without pay" since i have exhausted all of my paid medical leave (26 weeks worth). i am still "attached" to the company, but they have back-filled my specific job. so when i am able to return to work, i will have to apply online for a job, interview, and be awarded a new position. right now, there are no jobs open. just my luck.

also my luck... i am reading over the information on my "extended disability plan application" and pieced this together:

-i have been on medical leave since may 15, 2009.
-i have been on UNPAID leave since september 15, 2009.
-i am not eligible for extended disability until november 12, 2009.
-extended disability would allow me appox. 50% of my pay.
-per extended disability plan, i am required to also file for social security disability benefits.

medical leave paperwork cover letter noted:

-SS application can take several months.

-advised SS determinations have "entirely different standards" and more than likely i could be denied.

-your disability must be for "a period no less than 12 months"

-i have been off just short of 6 months, and was also sent a letter that states "after you have been on one year of leave and you are unable to return to work and have no impending release to return to work from medical leave you may be separated from the company."

-so, it seems a bit of a waste for me to file for SS disability benefits since
1) i dont meet the minimum requirement of 12 months off and
2) if i did meet the minimum 12 month requirement, i would be off too long to be able to keep my employment status active and would prolly be fired (excuse me, "separated") anyway.

but lets say i AM approved for at least the extended disability through my employer alone. my application is not eligible until november 12, 2009. then i am told it takes an average 60 days to be approved. lets go on the fast side and say it only takes me 30 days. november 12th my application is in. say, december 12th i'm approved. well, on this plan you get paid monthly "on our about the 25th of the month"... they say, that your initial monthly payment will not be until the following month.

the earliest i could possibly get my next paycheck is january 25th, 2010.
so, i have the terrible possibility of being on unpaid leave with no assistance from september 15, 2009 until january 25, 2010. (at the earliest!)

do you see now one of my major stress factors in addition to my health issues? i have, literally, no income. i am not eligible for unemployment or state assistance. (i would like to note that i have never used any form of government assistance and i refuse to, unless absolutely necessary. and i think now is the time i would need it, but i am not eligible.) no income whatsoever. medical bills piling up on top of my regular bills. i really need to get my house sold. i have never had a credit card. still dont. never been in a bankruptcy or foreclosure situation and i am trying my damnedest not to let that happen now.

honestly, i just dont know what else i can do. if anyone has any experience with a similar situation or suggestions, ideas, brainstorms... let me know! i am exhausted with trying to get better AND trying to figure out how this will work. i think the added stress of the paperwork / lack-of-income aspect is so very stressful it may be hindering my healing process, if even a little.

i know that sooo many people are going through sooo many of their own things right now. i am not trying to say my worries or woes are worse than yours. on the same note, i do know that a lot of you are going through, well, a lot... but that shouldnt discount the level of my situation. i hope i am not putting my foot in my mouth here. i just hope that we can all support each other and love each other and get through these miserable things together. i am always here if any of you ever want to write, email, call, text... whatever. i am here for you! i love you all so very much and i just wish we could all live happy, healthy and peacefully. together.

maybe that's just the flower child in me.

take care of you and yours.
be well.
~angela

please note: yes, i am grateful for what i DO have... a roof over my head (currently), medical insurance (currently), LOVING family, friends and canines, and each day that i wake up, alive (yeah, even though i am in pain... i am alive!)

a day in the life of medical leave

my pain psychologist keeps asking me, "what do you do to relax?" and i reply to him, "well, nothing right now. because most of what i enjoy doing to relax i cant do with the pain in my hands and arms." drawing, painting, writing, artwork in general. he suggests that i write, since i fill our 1 hour sessions to the last second. but i tell him that i cant hand-write too much because of the pain. and just filling out all this medical leave paperwork is sometimes more than i can take. i type more comfortably... but still can only do it for short periods of time. which is why it has taken me a while between posts... because 1) i type until my hand hurts, then have to stop. 2) i end up re-re-reading everything because it sounds choppy with my here-and-there writing.

anywhom.

for those of you (and my pain psych) that keep asking, "what are you doing while you are off?" ... well, nothing. to be honest. nothing, really, at all. which i think is why my depression takes over quite often. i'm in a lot of pain that increases with movement and pressure. the more i use my hand / arm / shoulder, the more it hurts. even just sitting back in a chair that puts pressure on my shoulder blade or neck. laying down is a mess. i cant lay on my back or sides without pain on the pressure points... but i cant lay on my tummy very well either because i still have to crank my neck to the side on the pillow which pulls that nerve from my neck to my head. additionally, i have a lot of weakness in my right arm and hand, which makes even simple things difficult - even if i could work thru the pain. granted, i am doing my physical and occupational therapy along with the iv infusions and injections, but those leave me drained. i have difficulty sleeping for reasons my doctors and i cant figure out. one is pain, yes. but dr has tried me on some sleeping meds that are suppose to help with that, but they dont seem to help at all. i feel no difference when i take them. and i -d e s p i s e- taking medication. blargh. but, i do what the doctors tell me to do. they still do not have a diagnosis for me. the main dr i am seeing thinks that my previous drs couldnt figure it out because they were trying to lump all of my symptoms into one diagnosis. this dr thinks that i may have 2 or 3 different things going on. so he is doing pain treatments to see if he gets rid of one pain, what is still there and what might be causing it? ya know? he said these treatments could take about 4 sessions before i notice a difference. thing is, one can only be done once every 3 weeks and the other one is every 4 weeks. so that is why this seems to be taking forever. i am on my 2nd round of each treatment. last thursday i had the direct injections which totally suck! this thursday i will have the iv infusion. less painful procedure, but it makes me sick for about 3 days after.

so, i just sit here at my house. do a load of laundry once in a while. put the doggies outside for a bit. watch movies. look around online. read, when my head allows me to focus for a while. listen to music. eat. sit on my couch and stare at my doggies and think way tooo much about how the hell is this ever going to get better? i'm not driving right now, and even if i were it wouldnt matter because my jeep is broken. i am 100% broke financially, so i dont go out.

thats another thing that bothers me. i dread even going to the grocery store. my roommie usually takes me to my dr appointments or grocery shopping... etc. well, i tend to get weird looks from people i know from work that havent seen me in a while. i keep saying that i wish my skin would turn a different color so you could see where the pain is and that it *does* exist. ya know? i was so happy when i found this dr and he was doing my exam and he and 2 other drs in his office told me they could actually physically feel the damage in my arm / shoulder / neck. that may sound weird, but it was such a relief just to have someone say, "yes, i can feel that, too. i believe your pain."

all of this came just when i thought i was getting things in order. i was 2 weeks shy of starting a new job within the same company. a job that i believe would have been just what i needed and had been looking for. hours i wanted, new group of people to work with, less-stress job... i was really looking forward to it. i went on medical leave just 2 weeks before i could start my training, and havent been able to go back since. now, i am told, they are back-filling my job. so when i return to work, i will not have the job i was awarded before i left. i wont have *any* specific job. i will have to apply to whatever jobs are open, and i will still have to interview and be awarded another position.

most of you know that i have been planning to move, well, forever. my sis and her kids are now moving out of my house and i will hopefully be able to sell it quickly. otherwise, i have no income to pay for my house... or anything else for that matter. i have never had a credit card, foreclosure, bankruptcy, etc. now i fear my credit is going to be ruined. i dont need my credit taking a dive just as i get ready to move and will need to be filling out credit applications and all that jazz for a new place. ya know? i realize that everyone is having a hard time... in so many ways... but i'm the one that always has a way out. i take care of myself and everyone else. now i cant even take care of myself. i've never been in this situation before. if i need money, i work for it. i've had 3 jobs at once before. i am not afraid of work. now i cant do even one job. i always have a plan, or idea how to get to the next point. now, i cant see any good ending to this. i just cant find one, no matter how hard i look. "everything happens for a reason" isnt cutting it anymore for me. what possible reason could there be for all the bad things myself and / or my loved ones are going through? we are good people. why do bad things happen to good people? i dont understand. maybe i never will. i suppose until i am on the other side of this whole thing, i wont know the answer to that. maybe i'll never know.

well, i'm sure this post is just a mush of jumbled up depressing thoughts from a girl that feels trapped and hopelessly broken. no, i am not looking for pity. i do know that things will have to get better because, really, how can they keep getting worse? i know some of you think i am a downer... but really, i'm not always like this. i dont want to come off like "woe is me"... i just need to vent. and this is how i do it. i'll post this and send it to oblivion and no one needs to reply... but getting it out does help a little. and if you ever want to vent to me, please know that i am always here for all of you, as well.

i love you all oodles and bunches.
be well.
~angela

i will not stop what is in my heart

tomorrow will mark 12 weeks since Pablo's passing from cancer. he was 6 years and 6 days old. i followed his story for over a year and became very attached to his beautiful Spirit. i am not posting reminders of death... rather, hopes, that his memory and life are not forgotten and his Spirit can live on in the fight for all children, families, and friends that suffer from this terrible disease. i have a little cousin, Leah, who was diagnosed last november with leukemia. i have been trying to start a fund in Leah's name. however, the banks are making me fight redtape since i am not an immediate family member. i am working with Leah's parents (my cousins) in an effort to help ease their financial burdens so they can focus on what is more important than the money - their Family. i look forward to helping Leah and any and all children that are living with cancer. the bulletins i post regarding the Pablove Foundation / Pablove Across America are all about how Pablo's family are still raising money and awareness and helping every single child they can, in memory of Pablo, in honor of Pablo. for all we know, their efforts in Pablo's honor could help cure our Leah. i hope and pray for that every day.


my dog, KaiYin, is 9 years and 9 months old. she was diagnosed with cancer when she was 3 years old. she has had 6 surgeries in 6 years. no, she is not "just a dog". she is my dog. my dog-ter. my baby girl. my best friend. and like many kids with cancer, she doesnt let it get her down. she plays and runs and jumps and lives and loves. i will fight for her with everything in me. KaiYin has been home 8 days since her 6th cancer surgery... and she proudly sports her Pablove shirt to cover her incision areas while she is healing.

i know that i have a good heart and honest intentions to make this world better in some small way. nothing was ever mentioned when i posted Pablo notes while he was alive. now, he has only been gone 3 months, and people want me to stop talking about him. i will not stop talking about Pablo, or Leah, or children's cancer. i will not stop trying to raise awareness and help these children that cannot help themselves.

if you do not want to read what i write to know or learn who i am as a person, what i believe in as a human being and what i feel in my heart... then dont click the links, dont open the notes, dont friend me on myspace or facebook, dont follow me on twitter.

i'll end this post with and excerpt from the Pablove Foundation Mission Statement:

"Every year, the Pablove Foundation gives money to improve the lives of children with cancer, at both a national level as well as a local level here in Los Angeles. As we carry out our mission, we wave a flag for anyone to see. On it are these words: Kids get cancer too. They need your help. It’s not somebody else’s problem."

angela medical update after 1st lidocaine iv infusion

first off, thank you to everyone for your well wishes, thoughts, prayers, meditations, and such while i have been going through this miserable medical mystery. i appreciate your support more than i ever get the chance to tell you. thank you.

yesterday was my first round with the lidocaine iv infusion. i think, initially, i was more worried about the procedure than i was about the after-effects. the medical office requires that you have a driver to take you home after the procedure. my sister took me for this appointment. thanks sis, i love you! i got checked in at the front desk and then a nurse came and got me. she took me to this little room with an over-sized medical recliner, a heart monitor, iv stand, and a waiting chair. she had me sign some papers and she explained to me how it works. she was super nice and kinda relaxed me when we started talking about our pets. anywhom, she hooked me up to the heart monitor and explained that once she got the infusion going she would start at the lowest setting and gradually increase the levels depending on how i was doing with it. she got my iv started (she was good! i barely felt a thing!) and set me on the first level. she said that basically i would start to feel like i had one tooo many margaritas. (which is why you need a driver) she sat and talked with me for a few more minutes and since i was doing fine she kicked it up a notch and left me for a bit. the receptionist came back and wanted to know if my sister could sit with me. i said yes, of course. Heather came back and said that she was going to walk around the mall but it was closed that early in the morning. so she sat with me and we chatted. i could tell i was feeling more and more drunk and i kinda had to concentrate on not laughing most of the time. nurse kept checking on me and kicking it up to the next notch. i was really having to focus on talking with Heather... but it was nice to spend some time with her. i love my sister very very much.

eventually the nurse said "now you're at full blast!" yay! i could certainly tell! it was so weird. i mean, i've been drunk before, but i havent drank in a couple of years and just sitting there with the drunk feeling coming over me was odd. she left me at full blast for a while then came in to disconnect me. she said i did well and that the front desk would set me up with another infusion 4 weeks from now. earlier, the nurse had explained to me that the people with the best results after this treatment usually are the ones that go home and do nothing but rest. she said no mowing the lawn or doing laundry or anything like that. she also said that they need me to keep a journal of how i feel from now until my next infusion. she said that i wont feel better right away. she said it will be slowly noticed things... like... i'll notice while standing in line at the bank that it doesnt hurt so much to stand there, or it doesnt take as much out of me to vacuum, or i can wash my hair, tie my shoes, or hold the phone to my ear for longer without so much pain in my hand and arm... and a list of other examples. she said they need me to pay attention to all those sorts of things and journal them.

i checked out and they set me up for another infusion on thursday october 15th. we got out of there and sis took me home. my roommie, Michael, had stayed home to watch my doggies for me. KaiYin specifically since she is only a few days out of her 6th cancer surgery. i got home and c r a s h e d! i didnt just feel drunk at that point... i felt hungover. i felt miserable. my entire body was angry. i fell over on the couch and was attempting to explain to my roommie how it went and i think i just passed out. he let me sleep. i woke up a few hours later, still "hungover". i asked Michael if he could maybe fix some dinner while i showered. he did. my shower wasnt really as relieving as i had hoped. but dinner was yummy! we ate and watched a movie, then i cuddled my doggies on my couch while Michael played online and read his book on his couch. i guess i must have passed out again because i didnt wake until this morning. suppose i needed it though.

and how lovely that i get to wake to dealing with medical bill collectors. really?! the bills they are calling me about are from appointments on 05.11.09 and 06.11.09 ... may and june... it's only september! it's been like 3 months and i am s t i l l on medical leave for the same reason i was then and they are already threatening me with collections?! they say i have 15 days to pay a few thousand dollars IN FULL or they will send me to collections. really?! you people are ass holes. and i realize some people "are just doing their jobs" but you know what? you dont have to be condescending, heartless rocks during our conversation. when i worked for blue cross and blue shield in north carolina i actually got "talked to" by my team leader many times about the fact that i was "helping clients tooo much" (kinda like mr incredible when he was his secret identity bob parr during his day job at the insurance place in the movie "the incredibles"). the way i saw it was, if someone is calling their health insurance company then either they themselves or someone they love has been sick or injured. they are going through enough without having to deal with money and bills. so i always did all i could to help them. we had a $500 cap per client that we, as customer service specialists, could issue to clients without a signature from higher up. so, if i could help someone, even with only $500, i did. anywhom... my deal right now is (primarily) docs and i are still trying to figure out what the hell is going on with me and why am i in sooo much pain! yes i realize i owe medical people money, but i'm on medical leave only getting medical pay and I AM paying my copays and percentage insurance at every visit and paying for my prescriptions and gas money driving back and forth ( i'm still not driving but i give gas money to the people that drive me ) keep in mind that i still have to eat and pay rent/mortgage and such... no, i cant pay your thousands of dollars er bills in the next 15 days. sorry. what they fuck do they expect?! gaaa!

-- clip 0:40 - 1:55 --


exhale. sorry about that, folks. this stuff just drives me insane. i am 1,000% grateful that i have a job with benefits and medical leave and medical pay and family and friends that help me when i need it... i am honestly grateful. but i am also worried that docs are still trying to figure out what is wrong and how to fix it and in the meantime my medical leave is almost exhausted but i am still not able to work and i worry about losing my good job and all it's benefits ... oh and i have suffered from depression most of my life, so that's a huge help throughout this ordeal. i am not looking for sympathy or pity or anything like that... sometimes it just helps to vent. even if no one ever reads what i write, it does help to get it out. the only thing about writing that does not help is the fact that my hand hates me for all the typing / writing so i have to do it in spurts.

okay... i have been writing this in between medical bill phone calls. these people are driving me insane. i think i have made/taken my last medical phone call for today. * i need to fax some stuff which means i have to get out of my jammies and out of the house and be seen in public. * blargh. additionally, my cell phone has been acting up. it powers off just whenever it feels like it. i havent been able to notice a pattern. battery is fully charged. anywhom, so i need to get that in to be diagnosed. yay, dealing with more customer service people. phooey. so, if you have sent me texts or called without answer and left voicemails, i am sorry. half the time i pick up my phone and notice it has powered off so i dont know what calls i might be missing that dont leave messages. i did the software upgrade on it this morning, but it doesnt seem to be helping.

*** nice, roommie just got home and said that while he is out running his errands he will fax my junk for me! yay! and i am not sooo concerned about my phone at this moment, so i suppose i will stay in and continue to rest today. that is a relief. ***

this is the current version (remainder) of my medical schedule as i know it to be, right now:

wednesday september 16th i see the pain psychologist for about an hour, then after him i see the occupational therapist who should be giving me a TENS unit i will take home with me.

thursday september 17th i see the pain doc for an "occipital nerve" block injection ( direct injection to the nerve in the lower back right side of my noggin ) as well as "trigger point injections" for the pain spots. yay.

tuesday september 29th i again see the pain psychologist

thursday october 15th lidocaine iv infusion #2

they told me that each time i go in for one specific treatment they will then set up my next appointment for the same treatment to be repeated. so i'll keep you posted as more appointments are made. hopefully they and i know more soon... the not knowing is sometimes the hardest part.

thanks again to all of you for your continued support and understanding.
i love you all oodles and bunches.
be well.
~angela

oh, social networking sites, what have you done...?

last night just before i was going to cuddle with my KaiYin, i did one last check online. as usual, i refreshed my open tabs checking for updates and emails. when i refreshed my facebook i noticed the "friend suggestion" in the sidebar. it was a girl i was best friends with in high school for a while... she and i had "broken up" (for lack of a better term) for "high school reasons". silly teenager stuff. i dont remember most of it. there are a lot of things i have blurred from my past. anywhom. the caption under her photo said "30 people are mutual friends". i kinda did a "humph" to myself about that. then i went to hang out on the couch with my doggies for slumber.

while i was awake on the couch, i got to thinking about how strange that is. this girl and i have 30 friends in common yet we have not communicated with each other (or even showed any interest in doing so) for about 15 years. literally, 15 years. i was even friends with her older sister for a while, yet we never talked about her. that astounds me. i also find it a curious thing about many other people i knew earlier in life that i have encountered since becoming an "adult". i dont believe i have changed all that much. i mean, sure, i'm a "grown up" now, but i think all of my belief systems are the same. it's odd / interesting to me to see the way people i knew from high school react when they now see me back in my "home" town as an adult. many of them are still clinging to their high school popularity and still want that acknowledgment. some people that only knew me based on rumors still think that was and is who i am. others are completely open to finding out what's happened in the last 15 years and have actually moved on from high school days. i think a LOT of it has to do with one common factor i have found across the board... who moved away after high school and who stayed in this small town. i moved away, right away. i never did drugs or drank in high school. yes, i drank after high school, but i still to this day have never done drugs. i had friends that were potheads or whatever, but that never bothered me. many many times i was a DD, so i suppose it all worked out. some people got stuck in the downward spiral and couldnt get themselves out and/or did want help getting out. some of the "druggies" that i knew in high school have since turned around and now get high on the Lord. and that is all fine and dandy. whatever makes you happy. like i said, it is just very interesting to see who turned out to be what they are today in comparison to what they were back then... in addition to how they look at you now in retrospect to how they looked at you and treated you years ago.

yeah, so... i'm sure it was only because i was thinking about all of this that once i fell asleep, this girl from high school that i havent talked with in 15 years but has 30 mutual facebook friends with me, she appeared in my dreams. okay. not sooo strange. however. what is freaky to me is this:

just before i got in the shower earlier this afternoon, i did a quick refresh of all my open website tabs. i got a facebook notification " *high school girl* added you as a friend on Facebook. We need to confirm that you know *high school girl* in order for you to be friends on Facebook." really? no... REALLY?! this was just plain odd to me. weird. creepy. something i cant think of a word for. or maybe it wasnt. maybe it is really nothing to think about, and i just think too much about everything.
( yeah, i do that from time to time ) <<<--------- understatement!

anywhom, so i accepted her friend request and i suppose we will see how it goes from there. maybe nothing will happen. maybe we will just glance at each others status updates from time to time and that'll be it. who knows. but i just thought it was something peculilar enough to mention. feel free to share your thoughts. and if you happen to be said *high school girl* (you would know if you are!) i look forward to getting to know you again!

KaiYin Update

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KaiYin, Me, Loki

KaiYin is my best dog in the world. she is my best friend. she is 9 years and 7 months old. she was diagnosed with cancer when she was 3. she has been through 5 surgeries to have masses removed. the least expensive surgery was about $2,000. a few months ago i found another lump. now, since the type of cancer she has usually recurs in the same area, it's sometimes hard to tell what is fresh and what is scar tissue. i took her in as soon as i found it, and they did a biopsy in the office. they said no cancer cells and sent us home. that was a relief. however. the recent couple of weeks i have noticed it seems to be growing ever so slightly. i called the animal hospital just now and they said i could call back after 8a and speak with her surgeon for an appointment. i need to get her in and get another biopsy. when i do this, if they ever find cancer cells, they keep her right away and do surgery. her most recent surgery was about $4,000 and that wasnt the most expensive one ever. anywhom... i asked how much the office consult would be... they said $120. ugh. this sucks so much. i cant get pet insurance on her because she has pre-existing. go figure. to top it off, i myself, am on medical leave and not getting paid on a regular basis. and when i do get paid, it is not a normal paycheck - it's only a percentage of my regular pay. i'm going to talk to them about setting up payment arrangements. we have been loyal and honest and appreciative patients there for a while now, and i am hoping that since they do love KaiYin so much (she loves them, too!) that they will let me set up some kind of payment plan. i have done that in the past, but with my irregular pay right now, i dont know what they will do for me. anywhom... i'll explain better, more, later about KaiYin and all we have gone through. i just wanted to post this tonight to let KaiYin lovers know. as far as i can tell, she never knows she is "sick". so that is a bit of a relief. i'll keep you posted as i know more.

be well.
~Angela, KaiYin, and Loki

"Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative." Mordecai Siegal

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." Will Rogers

Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness

· Have a dog.

· Compliment someone every day.

· Remember other people's birthdays.

· Say "thank you" a lot.

· Say "please" a lot.

· Learn to play a musical instrument.

· Sing in the shower.

· Buy great books, even if you never read them.

· Be forgiving of yourself and others.

· Return all things you borrow.

· Never buy a house without a fireplace.

· Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards.

· Take lots of photos.

· Never refuse homemade brownies.

· Don't postpone joy.

· Vote.

· Surprise loved ones with unexpected gifts.

· Let people pull in front of you when you are stopped in traffic.

· Hug children after you discipline them.

· Learn to make something beautiful with your hands.

· Never forget your anniversary.

· Slow dance.

· Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it's just a daisy in a jelly glass.

· Know how to type.

· Use credit cards only for convenience, never for credit.

· Think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures.

· Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.

· Pay your bills on time.

· Be tough minded but tenderhearted.

· Be romantic.

· Let people know what you stand for--and what you won't stand for.

· Show respect for all living things.

· Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.

· Keep a journal.

· Don't encourage rude or inattentive service by tipping the standard amount.

· Never cut what can be untied.

· Take good care of those you love.

· Lie on your back and look at the stars.

· Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.

· Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things: (1) finding the right person and (2) being the right person.

· Lock your car even if it's parked in your own driveway.

· Take a nap.

· Get your next pet from an animal shelter.

· Reread your favorite book.

· Own a good dictionary.

· Own a good thesaurus.

· Pay your fair share.

· Remain open, flexible, curious.

· Begin each day with your favorite music.

· Don't be intimidated by doctors and nurses. Even when you're in the hospital, it's still your body.

· Keep a note pad and pencil on your nightstand.

· Marry only for Love.

· Count your blessings.

· Never buy a coffee table you can't put your feet on.

· Never allow anyone to intimidate you.

· Kiss slowly.

· Kiss your loved ones good night, even if they are already asleep.

· Remember the credo of Walt Disney: Think. Believe. Dream. Dare.

· Never complain about a flight delayed for mechanical repairs. Waiting on the ground is infinitely better than the alternative.

· Always take your vacation time.

· Write some poetry.

· Never ignore an old barking dog.

· When loved ones drive away, watch and wave until you can no longer see the car.

· Keep a pad and pencil by every phone.

· If you are a guest at a wedding, take lots of snapshots and send them along witht the negatives to the bride and groom as quickly as you can. They have a long time to wait for the formal photos and will thrilled to receive the ones you took.

· Write out your favorite quotation(s) and place it where you can see it everyday.

· Offer hope.

· Never ask a childless couple when they are going to have children.

· Celebrate even small victories.

· Make an effort to attend weddings and funerals.

· Whenever you hear an ambulance siren, say a prayer for the person inside.

· When you are the first one up, be quiet about it.

· Include a recent family photo when writing to a loved one.

· Don't make eating everything on their plate an issue with children.

· When traveling, pack more underwear and socks than you think you will need.

· Be passionate.

· Never tell anybody they can't sing.

· Never tell anybody they don't have a sense of humor.

· Go for long, hand-holding walks with your loved one.

· Become the world's most thoughtful friend.

· Never marry someone in hopes that they'll change later.

· Keep a photo of each person you have dated.

· Don't buy a cheap motorcycle helmet.

· Never leave fun to find fun.

· Collect menus from your favorite restaurants.

· Put a love note in your loved one's luggage before they go on a trip.

· When you really like someone, tell them. Sometimes you only get one chance.

· Paint a picture.

· Pay attention to photos of missing children.

· Keep wetnaps in the glove box.

· Never sharpen a boomerang.

· Marry someone who loves music.

· Rescue your dreams.

· Love deeply.

· Laugh loudly.

· Don't expect different results from the same behavior.