"this day's got to get better"

today is apparently going to be one of those days. not by choice... believe me, no one chooses this junk. and i wouldnt wish it on anyone, either. i've never been afraid or ashamed to talk about my depression. i think that is because i am constantly hoping for someone else to reach out and meet me in the middle. or maybe i just want to be understood. depression cannot be controlled. i get even more irritated when people say things to me like "just think happy thoughts" or "you need to try to be more positive" ~~ it doesnt work that way! i can be having the best day ever and then i get struck by a depression lightening bolt and i'm crying in the middle of a perfect day. that's just the way it is. i despise taking meds for any reason. i've been told by about 6 different doctors over the years that i have "situational depression". i think that is such a generic term. i think everyone could say that is their "problem"... change your situation and you wont be depressed! well, no shit! i have suffered this emotional yuckiness for as long as i can remember. i moved away from this miserable town about a month after i graduated high school in 1995. lived in 5 states since then. michigan, florida, indiana, arizona, and north carolina. i visited new york city march 2008 and fell in love with it! i have been doing just about all i can to get myself out there again. however, i am also contemplating los angeles. i havent been there yet, but i really want to visit before i decide between nyc and la. anywhom... i have been back in this town i grew up in for over 6 years now. 6 years ago i thought i would only be here for a quick stop, passing through to help with some family stuff, then moving on for my own reasons. 6 years later i am still here. i feel like i am stagnating. i adore and love my family and the few friends i have here so very very much. they know that. but they also want what is best for me. and i want what is best for them. i have tried to get a few of them to possibly move with me... but to no avail. and that is fine. everyone has a different happiness. i know they say "happiness is not a destination, it's a journey." i somewhat agree with that. i am trying to enjoy what i can... but there is just nothing here that makes me happy happy. ya know? everyone i know has something or someone that makes them happy and keeps them here. i dont feel like i have that connection. i have the love of my family and i know that will never fade... no matter where i live. i have the friendships of a few select people that i will always cherish and feel i never deserve(d).

i have been hurt and used and taken advantage of in my life of more than i talk about. i believe that is why i keep such a small circle. i know that i am a giver. i know that i am a good person. i am not trying to sound arrogant. i am just trying to get these thoughts and feelings out to be shared. i will do all i can to help humans and animals alike. if you are a true friend of mine, no doubt you have seen or felt my giving nature first hand. even strangers have been on the receiving end of my generosities. i do animal rescue and have been a foster home to many dogs and cats until i found forever-homes for them. i send individually hand-written christmas cards by the dozens to homeless shelter residents. that's just the kind of stuff i like to do. i do have a couple of friends that are wonderfully giving and helpful to me that i could never repay. however (without going into detail) i have had more people hurt me, literally without explanation, and i just dont understand that.

i do understand that one of my depression issues stems from not only the emotional roller coaster listed above, but also from the on-going search to find out what is wrong with me physically. the doctors have been running so many tests and exams and transferred me from one specialist to the other... and still, no answers. no diagnosis. as well as no treatments. so i am still in pain, but nothing is currently being done about it. this is draining... physically and emotionally.

this is getting much deeper than i originally planned on writing today. it's now midnight30. i started writing this about noon. i've been back and forth and edited out quite a bit. maybe i'll re-enter those thoughts some other time.

for today, basically and overall, i just want(ed) someone to notice when i am having a bad day and try to make it easier for me... or easier on me. not necessarily go out of their way... but just be more sensitive and aware... and be tender. i am a huge talker, but i dont like to talk much when i'm in the midst of a black day. i dont know about most of you, but i dont like to make decisions when i am down. i dont like being asked questions or advice. i want someone to take care of me now and again. but not be pushy about it. i want to be left alone -- but i want someone waiting in the wings if i do need something. so many times i have been the person to drop off a sweet card or flowers out of the blue... soup when i hear a friend is sick... a small gift i saw while shopping that made me think of you... having a meal ready when someone gets home or wakes up since i know they had a long day... so many little things i feel dont mean as much if you have to ask for them. ya know? now, dont get me wrong -- i know i have a reputation for disliking unannounced house guests. so i understand that some people might be hesitant. i think it's just that, if i am doing any of the above, i do it, say a few nice words and leave. i dont linger and make small talk. i let the person be, but just want them to know someone is thinking about them.

i never used to be this way about unexpected house guests. i think it gets worse the longer i am here. i dont want to be here ( in this town ). i dont want to be seen here or known here. i want out so badly. but with all my medical situations right now, it's impossible for me to leave. i have a decent paying job with medical benefits that i need more than ever right now. so leaving is not an immediate option. but believe me, it's in the works.

i just want to be happy. i think we all do. and since i cant make myself happy right now... i hope i can make someone else happy. i know i havent been very social with my local community of friends and family. i have prolly been more social with my online friends and family due to the fact that i can sorta regulate that better. ( i hate the way that sounds. )

anywhom... i'm going to end this tangent, for now, and hope tomorrow is a better day. although i have my doubts. tomorrow is austin's going away party. austin is my 14 year old nephew. i love him with my entire being. his dad has been gone since he was about 5. my sister has tried the best she could to raise him on her own -- with the help of our wonderful family. he's more like a community son to all of us rather than a grandson or nephew. but my sister has decided to let him move to tennessee to live with his dad. maybe this will be better for him. as hard as we have tried with him, and as much as i would like for our efforts and love to be enough... maybe he'll bloom with his father. i really hope he doesnt get hurt. he hasnt lived with his dad -- so i'm hoping he's not disappointed after all these years fantasizing what it would be like. my heart is breaking over this on top of everything else. but, we all have different needs and wants. austin wants to live with his dad right now. i want to live in new york. why should i try to keep him from happiness just because of his age or because i dont want to lose him? i shouldnt. and i do hope everyone is happy and loved in the end.


i will end this with a few quotes that feel like today...

This day's got to get better. ~Chris Caris

There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

Every heart has its secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad. ~Longfellow

Those have most power to hurt us, that we love. ~Francis Beaumont

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. ~Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry. ~John Webster

Nobody heard him, the dead man, but still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought and not waving but drowning. ~Stevie Smith

still working on this one...

just a quick note

i'm working on another post... but i'm also working on cookin' dinner and relaxing tonight! if you have any suggestions or topics you would like me to write about, please feel free to send me a note. hope you have a glorious wednesday night.

First Post Generic Title

hey there punks and kittens~~

here we are ~ at my first post. i have in my mind how i would like this page to evolve. i'm hoping it will all play out on-screen as it does in my head and my heart. sometimes ~many times~ words cannot be used for certain emotions, feelings, expressions and the like. what i am going to share on this page is 100% me. uncensored. i have been keeping "journals" for many many years. i have decided to use this site as an open-journal of sorts. some past, some present.

i journal 3 different ways. all depends on my mood at the time and which form best expresses what i am trying to convey. i started, as i'm sure many people do, written journals. sometimes while searching for words, i would sketch on my journal pages. ( many know that i have been drawing since i could hold a crayon! ) after a while, i would sketch more and just jot down thoughts around the sketches. at some point during all of that i started cutting things out of magazines. i had bags and files of all these things i had clipped. i bought a few photo albums. the 3-ring binder kind with the plasticy peel-back covers. i started collaging my cut-outs into a clipping journal. i like having these different formats to express myself. sometimes, i cant conjure the words i want so i end up sketching. other times i cant draw just what i am looking for, but i can maybe find it in a book or magazine. i would really love to get back into painting. but i dont have the means to accommidate that love, right now.

i have decided to share this with all of you for somewhat selfish reasons. i feel like i am not truly understood. who is, right? well, there are many people in my life that i feel only know parts of me that they want to know and / or believe. for some people in my life, i have felt it necessary to ~let's say "sugar-coat"~ myself for them. i dont like that. not at all. many times i feel like i'm a misleading movie trailer. only showing the attractive parts to reel you in, then once you see the full movie you're like "that's not at all what i expected!" that can be good and bad. i want to leave some stuff to mystery and the getting-to-know-you part of my relationships... but i also want to step out into the sunlight for so many people that dont see the real me... and from so many people that i feel push me to the dark corner. why should i hide for fear of making you uncomfortable? that only makes me uncomfortable!

i want to be able to be myself and be loved for who i am. dont we all?! if you dont like what you see, that's your choice. i cant control that. and i'm not trying to. i've said this before... i think everyone should be their true self to everyone you meet. otherwise, you get deeper into a relationship and think, "yeah, i'm comfortable, i can be me now." and once you start showing your true colors later, the other person / people are wondering who the hell you are now and what happened to the person they thought they knew? no one wins.

most of my art is dated. and "you're so vain" has played around in my head while deciding what to post. please don't read anything in to what might or might not pertain to specific people. at times, memories will resurface years later bringing a flood of junk and / or beauty that i need to get out of my head and heart and onto the page. so just because something has a specific date, doesn't mean it pertains to a person or people from that day in my life.

i'll leave you this this first look at one of my collages. please do not hesitate to comment... or send me an email if you have something more private you dont want posted on the site.

much love.
be well.
~angela

( click photo to enlarge )