a very quick rant, just to get it out!

what the heck did i do in this life or any other life to curse me with what i am going through now?!

sept.28th i spoke with my mortgage people about fact that i have NO income due to medical leave & rep told me i must file for "hardship program" (8 page application) THEN i can file for "forbearance" (only a 2 page application)to help me with my mortgage payment while i have no income. now, today, i called & diff rep told me hardship program only lowers payment, doesnt help when you have NO income, & that i should be filing forbearance! i told her that a month ago i was told the opposite! she dealt with my "unhappiness" well, & walked me thru 5/3 online how to do it fastest way. but i could have done that a month ago & been done with this & had my mortgage (possibly) taken care of by now! instead, i have not been able to pay my mortgage for the first time in 4 years (this month) & it's getting late fees & damaging my credit. AND she is not sure they will retro help me, but she said she will ask about it considering the situation. GAAA!

oh... and while i was typing the above note, my employer called and said they are officially putting my job up for bid. so when i am able to return to work, i will have to apply online and interview and be awarded a new position within the company. and as of april 25, 2010 my medical leave benefit will exhaust and i will be separated from the company if i have not yet returned.

a day in the life of medical leave

my pain psychologist keeps asking me, "what do you do to relax?" and i reply to him, "well, nothing right now. because most of what i enjoy doing to relax i cant do with the pain in my hands and arms." drawing, painting, writing, artwork in general. he suggests that i write, since i fill our 1 hour sessions to the last second. but i tell him that i cant hand-write too much because of the pain. and just filling out all this medical leave paperwork is sometimes more than i can take. i type more comfortably... but still can only do it for short periods of time. which is why it has taken me a while between posts... because 1) i type until my hand hurts, then have to stop. 2) i end up re-re-reading everything because it sounds choppy with my here-and-there writing.

anywhom.

for those of you (and my pain psych) that keep asking, "what are you doing while you are off?" ... well, nothing. to be honest. nothing, really, at all. which i think is why my depression takes over quite often. i'm in a lot of pain that increases with movement and pressure. the more i use my hand / arm / shoulder, the more it hurts. even just sitting back in a chair that puts pressure on my shoulder blade or neck. laying down is a mess. i cant lay on my back or sides without pain on the pressure points... but i cant lay on my tummy very well either because i still have to crank my neck to the side on the pillow which pulls that nerve from my neck to my head. additionally, i have a lot of weakness in my right arm and hand, which makes even simple things difficult - even if i could work thru the pain. granted, i am doing my physical and occupational therapy along with the iv infusions and injections, but those leave me drained. i have difficulty sleeping for reasons my doctors and i cant figure out. one is pain, yes. but dr has tried me on some sleeping meds that are suppose to help with that, but they dont seem to help at all. i feel no difference when i take them. and i -d e s p i s e- taking medication. blargh. but, i do what the doctors tell me to do. they still do not have a diagnosis for me. the main dr i am seeing thinks that my previous drs couldnt figure it out because they were trying to lump all of my symptoms into one diagnosis. this dr thinks that i may have 2 or 3 different things going on. so he is doing pain treatments to see if he gets rid of one pain, what is still there and what might be causing it? ya know? he said these treatments could take about 4 sessions before i notice a difference. thing is, one can only be done once every 3 weeks and the other one is every 4 weeks. so that is why this seems to be taking forever. i am on my 2nd round of each treatment. last thursday i had the direct injections which totally suck! this thursday i will have the iv infusion. less painful procedure, but it makes me sick for about 3 days after.

so, i just sit here at my house. do a load of laundry once in a while. put the doggies outside for a bit. watch movies. look around online. read, when my head allows me to focus for a while. listen to music. eat. sit on my couch and stare at my doggies and think way tooo much about how the hell is this ever going to get better? i'm not driving right now, and even if i were it wouldnt matter because my jeep is broken. i am 100% broke financially, so i dont go out.

thats another thing that bothers me. i dread even going to the grocery store. my roommie usually takes me to my dr appointments or grocery shopping... etc. well, i tend to get weird looks from people i know from work that havent seen me in a while. i keep saying that i wish my skin would turn a different color so you could see where the pain is and that it *does* exist. ya know? i was so happy when i found this dr and he was doing my exam and he and 2 other drs in his office told me they could actually physically feel the damage in my arm / shoulder / neck. that may sound weird, but it was such a relief just to have someone say, "yes, i can feel that, too. i believe your pain."

all of this came just when i thought i was getting things in order. i was 2 weeks shy of starting a new job within the same company. a job that i believe would have been just what i needed and had been looking for. hours i wanted, new group of people to work with, less-stress job... i was really looking forward to it. i went on medical leave just 2 weeks before i could start my training, and havent been able to go back since. now, i am told, they are back-filling my job. so when i return to work, i will not have the job i was awarded before i left. i wont have *any* specific job. i will have to apply to whatever jobs are open, and i will still have to interview and be awarded another position.

most of you know that i have been planning to move, well, forever. my sis and her kids are now moving out of my house and i will hopefully be able to sell it quickly. otherwise, i have no income to pay for my house... or anything else for that matter. i have never had a credit card, foreclosure, bankruptcy, etc. now i fear my credit is going to be ruined. i dont need my credit taking a dive just as i get ready to move and will need to be filling out credit applications and all that jazz for a new place. ya know? i realize that everyone is having a hard time... in so many ways... but i'm the one that always has a way out. i take care of myself and everyone else. now i cant even take care of myself. i've never been in this situation before. if i need money, i work for it. i've had 3 jobs at once before. i am not afraid of work. now i cant do even one job. i always have a plan, or idea how to get to the next point. now, i cant see any good ending to this. i just cant find one, no matter how hard i look. "everything happens for a reason" isnt cutting it anymore for me. what possible reason could there be for all the bad things myself and / or my loved ones are going through? we are good people. why do bad things happen to good people? i dont understand. maybe i never will. i suppose until i am on the other side of this whole thing, i wont know the answer to that. maybe i'll never know.

well, i'm sure this post is just a mush of jumbled up depressing thoughts from a girl that feels trapped and hopelessly broken. no, i am not looking for pity. i do know that things will have to get better because, really, how can they keep getting worse? i know some of you think i am a downer... but really, i'm not always like this. i dont want to come off like "woe is me"... i just need to vent. and this is how i do it. i'll post this and send it to oblivion and no one needs to reply... but getting it out does help a little. and if you ever want to vent to me, please know that i am always here for all of you, as well.

i love you all oodles and bunches.
be well.
~angela

"this day's got to get better"

today is apparently going to be one of those days. not by choice... believe me, no one chooses this junk. and i wouldnt wish it on anyone, either. i've never been afraid or ashamed to talk about my depression. i think that is because i am constantly hoping for someone else to reach out and meet me in the middle. or maybe i just want to be understood. depression cannot be controlled. i get even more irritated when people say things to me like "just think happy thoughts" or "you need to try to be more positive" ~~ it doesnt work that way! i can be having the best day ever and then i get struck by a depression lightening bolt and i'm crying in the middle of a perfect day. that's just the way it is. i despise taking meds for any reason. i've been told by about 6 different doctors over the years that i have "situational depression". i think that is such a generic term. i think everyone could say that is their "problem"... change your situation and you wont be depressed! well, no shit! i have suffered this emotional yuckiness for as long as i can remember. i moved away from this miserable town about a month after i graduated high school in 1995. lived in 5 states since then. michigan, florida, indiana, arizona, and north carolina. i visited new york city march 2008 and fell in love with it! i have been doing just about all i can to get myself out there again. however, i am also contemplating los angeles. i havent been there yet, but i really want to visit before i decide between nyc and la. anywhom... i have been back in this town i grew up in for over 6 years now. 6 years ago i thought i would only be here for a quick stop, passing through to help with some family stuff, then moving on for my own reasons. 6 years later i am still here. i feel like i am stagnating. i adore and love my family and the few friends i have here so very very much. they know that. but they also want what is best for me. and i want what is best for them. i have tried to get a few of them to possibly move with me... but to no avail. and that is fine. everyone has a different happiness. i know they say "happiness is not a destination, it's a journey." i somewhat agree with that. i am trying to enjoy what i can... but there is just nothing here that makes me happy happy. ya know? everyone i know has something or someone that makes them happy and keeps them here. i dont feel like i have that connection. i have the love of my family and i know that will never fade... no matter where i live. i have the friendships of a few select people that i will always cherish and feel i never deserve(d).

i have been hurt and used and taken advantage of in my life of more than i talk about. i believe that is why i keep such a small circle. i know that i am a giver. i know that i am a good person. i am not trying to sound arrogant. i am just trying to get these thoughts and feelings out to be shared. i will do all i can to help humans and animals alike. if you are a true friend of mine, no doubt you have seen or felt my giving nature first hand. even strangers have been on the receiving end of my generosities. i do animal rescue and have been a foster home to many dogs and cats until i found forever-homes for them. i send individually hand-written christmas cards by the dozens to homeless shelter residents. that's just the kind of stuff i like to do. i do have a couple of friends that are wonderfully giving and helpful to me that i could never repay. however (without going into detail) i have had more people hurt me, literally without explanation, and i just dont understand that.

i do understand that one of my depression issues stems from not only the emotional roller coaster listed above, but also from the on-going search to find out what is wrong with me physically. the doctors have been running so many tests and exams and transferred me from one specialist to the other... and still, no answers. no diagnosis. as well as no treatments. so i am still in pain, but nothing is currently being done about it. this is draining... physically and emotionally.

this is getting much deeper than i originally planned on writing today. it's now midnight30. i started writing this about noon. i've been back and forth and edited out quite a bit. maybe i'll re-enter those thoughts some other time.

for today, basically and overall, i just want(ed) someone to notice when i am having a bad day and try to make it easier for me... or easier on me. not necessarily go out of their way... but just be more sensitive and aware... and be tender. i am a huge talker, but i dont like to talk much when i'm in the midst of a black day. i dont know about most of you, but i dont like to make decisions when i am down. i dont like being asked questions or advice. i want someone to take care of me now and again. but not be pushy about it. i want to be left alone -- but i want someone waiting in the wings if i do need something. so many times i have been the person to drop off a sweet card or flowers out of the blue... soup when i hear a friend is sick... a small gift i saw while shopping that made me think of you... having a meal ready when someone gets home or wakes up since i know they had a long day... so many little things i feel dont mean as much if you have to ask for them. ya know? now, dont get me wrong -- i know i have a reputation for disliking unannounced house guests. so i understand that some people might be hesitant. i think it's just that, if i am doing any of the above, i do it, say a few nice words and leave. i dont linger and make small talk. i let the person be, but just want them to know someone is thinking about them.

i never used to be this way about unexpected house guests. i think it gets worse the longer i am here. i dont want to be here ( in this town ). i dont want to be seen here or known here. i want out so badly. but with all my medical situations right now, it's impossible for me to leave. i have a decent paying job with medical benefits that i need more than ever right now. so leaving is not an immediate option. but believe me, it's in the works.

i just want to be happy. i think we all do. and since i cant make myself happy right now... i hope i can make someone else happy. i know i havent been very social with my local community of friends and family. i have prolly been more social with my online friends and family due to the fact that i can sorta regulate that better. ( i hate the way that sounds. )

anywhom... i'm going to end this tangent, for now, and hope tomorrow is a better day. although i have my doubts. tomorrow is austin's going away party. austin is my 14 year old nephew. i love him with my entire being. his dad has been gone since he was about 5. my sister has tried the best she could to raise him on her own -- with the help of our wonderful family. he's more like a community son to all of us rather than a grandson or nephew. but my sister has decided to let him move to tennessee to live with his dad. maybe this will be better for him. as hard as we have tried with him, and as much as i would like for our efforts and love to be enough... maybe he'll bloom with his father. i really hope he doesnt get hurt. he hasnt lived with his dad -- so i'm hoping he's not disappointed after all these years fantasizing what it would be like. my heart is breaking over this on top of everything else. but, we all have different needs and wants. austin wants to live with his dad right now. i want to live in new york. why should i try to keep him from happiness just because of his age or because i dont want to lose him? i shouldnt. and i do hope everyone is happy and loved in the end.


i will end this with a few quotes that feel like today...

This day's got to get better. ~Chris Caris

There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

Every heart has its secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad. ~Longfellow

Those have most power to hurt us, that we love. ~Francis Beaumont

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. ~Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry. ~John Webster

Nobody heard him, the dead man, but still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought and not waving but drowning. ~Stevie Smith