5 days in and no change from 2009 to 2010

to be honest, i dont even know what to say. i mean, i know i can form the words to tell you what has happened in the first 4 days of what was suppose to be my new year with new hope and resolution. maybe 4 days isnt enough time to judge the remaining 361. but this year isnt turning around from the last, at all really.

note:
first part of this post is about my phone... so if you just want my medical update, scroll down!

thursday i was out with ma getting some groceries, and my phone died. again. same thing that happened last time. just went to a blank screen and would not reboot. since we were already out, ma took me to the sprint tech shop in kalamazoo. most of you know that kzoo is about an hour from my house. but it is also the closest tech shop for sprint phone repairs. also, most of you know that this will be the 5th phone replacement in 11 months. so, i took it in. dropped it off. suppose to go back monday to pick it up. since i didnt have a phone over the weekend, the sprint rep emailed me with this: "We are going to replace your phone, but we do have special instructions that we will need to discuss when you come in." what kind of special instructions? this was odd. but i guess i would just have to wait and see.
well, sunday morning ma wanted to go to kzoo to look for some after christmas sales. so i tagged along, and she took me to the sprint shop. they gave me my replacement phone, but said they dont know why this keeps happening. the first time it happened, it was on the charger, and when i took it off the charger, it powered down and never came back on. the tech said it was entirely NOT my fault. it looked like it was in the middle of an update and froze. i said i was never prompted for an update, and he said it was probably an auto-system update. this time it was sitting in my lap in the car, and when i went to use it, it didnt work. the "special instructions" were that i must have again interrupted an update which caused the phone to freeze. so next time i am prompted for an update, select "no" and bring the phone to the store so they can do the update for me. i told them that i was never ever prompted for an update. i asked "cant you look in your system and see the last time a system update was made on my phone?!" they said no. they dont have access to that. they added that this would be the last phone replacement they would do for me since i have had excessive replacements. i was like whoa whoa whoa! this was not my fault! i did not break my phone! if i did something, i would tell you. but i did NOTHING. i went down the list of the 5 times the phone has had to be replaced and the 4 different things that went wrong with each phone. NONE of them were operator error. it was all tech stuff. i also told them that i had seen 7 different sprint reps in 3 weeks trying to get this fixed and they all said it was nothing i did, and the phone just needed to be replaced, not repaired. so the customer service girl asked if i wanted to talk to a tech. hell yes! she took me to the back to the tech area. there was more than 1 person back there, so i just talked to everyone hoping someone would feel my pain and have a better solution. i said, so, what youre telling me is that you have never seen this happen more than once before, you dont know why it is happening or how, you have no way to search your system for recent updates on my phone, but you are so sure it was my fault, that you are telling me if anything, at all, ever goes wrong with my phone again, you will not replace it?! then they pawned it off on a tech that wasnt there saying maybe i should come back and talk with her the next day. i said yeah, i would come back, but that i would also be speaking with sprint corporate because this is completely miserable. i had asked before about getting a completly different model phone. i said i absolutely love this lg lotus (aside from the fact the camera has no flash), but if it's going to have all these issues, i guess i need something different and more reliable. i was told it's not the phone, they havent seen this many problems with the lotus, and that i am not eligible for an upgrade anyway, so i would have to pay street cost for a different phone. i told them that a rep i spoke to at a different sprint store told me about a "secret department" that i could call and tell my story to and they would give me some crazy upgrade for a phone that was practically filled with rocket science capabilities. i told her i dont need something expensive and fancy, i just want my lotus and i want it to work!
fine fine fine, i gave up the conversation and said i would just take the replacement lotus and deal with any other problems IF they happened. all the while in the back of my mind i was composing my conversation i would have with corporate. so, i get back to the front and the sales girl is replacing the phone. she says maybe this one wont have issues since it is new out of the box. i told her i had new out of the box before. she was like "really? i thought they just repaired before?" i said nooo, i have all the boxes and everything at my house.

-flashback to when i asked a guy if maybe their store had a bad batch of lotus phones or something along those lines and he told me "no. it doesnt work like that. i think you just have bad luck." and i nearly broke down crying in the store. me?! bad luck?! he didnt even know a fraction of how those words hurt me.

anywhom... so, the girl is replacing my phone and a tech comes out to the counter. says that his store manager was back there and heard our conversation and didnt like anything that he heard, so for me not to worry, if anything happens to my phone, they will take care of me. they will not turn me away. they will do anything they can to make this right. they dont want me leaving mad. i told them, i am not mad with each of them as individual people. i am just frustrated with this situation and that no one would be willing to help me further. he said not to worry, i would be taken care of. so that was a relief. then the girl started up my new phone, and forced updates so that they could do them there. they said i should only get them about every 6 months, but when i do, bring it to the store to be done. fine with me. so an hour later, i left with my replacement phone.

i was told before i left that since i now have wireless backup for my contacts, that my contacts should be back on my phone in about 30 minutes. well, 5 hours later they still werent there. so i called the store. they said well, maybe give it about 24 hours, if they still arent there, call back. and wouldnt you know it, about 5 minutes after i got off the phone with the tech, my contacts popped up. hmmm...

but, so far (only 2 days in) it is still working. fingers crossed.

wow. that was long-winded!

okay, now for the medical update.
i have been on medical leave since may 15, 2009. tons of symptoms, no one can figure out what is going on. it has been almost 8 months, i have seen 17 doctors, been given about 20 different prescriptions, tons of tests and trial treatments... nothing is helping. the first neurologist i saw, dr mahmood, was terrible. he slacked on everything. he would be late to the office and my appointments, take cell phone calls during my appointments, i would show up for appointments (over an hour away from my house) and i would be told he didnt come to work and i need to reschedule - but no one called me ahead of time to tell me not to come, he told me i did NOT need an appointment to get test results - that i should call his office in 4 days and they would decide then what to do - i called 29 times in 19 days then finally showed up in person and asked for the office manager and told her my situation and she said that the dr had my test results, but since he didnt sign them before he went on vacation, they could not release the results for me. then when i did get the results, i was scheduled for another appointment that got pushed out twice in 3 months. this is not everything, and i wont list all of his incompetencies, but the final straw for me has been that i have 3 letters in his handwriting that write me off work due to disability, which i submitted to my employers medical leave center, but when the medical leave center sent him paperwork to fill out for my leave, he wrote that he had never taken me off work, and left the remainder of the forms incomplete. when i called his office about this, i was told that my medical records file was misplaced. needless to say, i have been talking with lawyers about him. but right now i dont have the money to do anything about it. so, my medical leave rep sent me a letter that my claim has been denied based what dr mahmood submitted. now i am in the appeals process, without pay, and if i am not able to return to work or get extended disability approved but april 2010, i am "separated" from the company.

two months ago i was referred to a new neurologist at a different hospital. dr jewett. yesterday, january 4th, 8a, was my appointment. they sent me a new patient packet i had to fill out and bring with me. so i did. i got there early. when i told the girl at the desk my name, she said she couldnt find me on the list, but that she was just filling in and the regular girl would be right back. i had a seat. then heard whispering and my name for a few minutes. i was called back to the window. they told me that on november 2 someone from their office rescheduled me for december 14 and i was a no show. what the heck?! nooo way! i was not at all happy, but i tried to stay calm. we'll figure this out. it's a new year and i need a new approach to things. they told me to have a seat while they sort it out. so i did. finally they called me back to a room. the nurse explained that on november 2 someone in their office called and left me a voicemail that my appointment had been changed to december 14. she also said that the dr was booked, so if i could stay, he would see me between patients. i said yes i would stay. but i also told her that i never received a message. i didnt want to start off on the wrong foot (me jumping down their throats) so i tried to keep calm and waited for the dr. he came in, said since he didnt have any file or records for me, he wanted me to tell him what was going on that brought me to him. so i started telling him from the initial onset of pain in april that landed me in the er. i got about 4 sentences in, and he was like "wait wait wait... tell me about such-and-such" so i did. as i would answer his questions about my symptoms, he would be "wait a second, you have this and this at the same time?" and i would say yes. and he would say that is not really possible, it's a mystery. and i would say, well, that is why i am here. this went back and forth with him writing on a blank sheet of paper since he had no file for me. and he would kind of shoot down what i was saying about my symptoms "you cant really have both of those at the same time." or " i've never heard of those 2 symptoms happening together." well, me fucking neither! i was getting frustrated, but i was quite pleased with myself for maintaining a civil attitude. so, he tells me, let's just stop right there and he'll have me put a gown on and he'll do an exam. so, he did the exam. i got re-dressed. and he said that he doesnt think i have anything neurologically wrong going on. he said that he would have to get my file, hopefully in the next couple days, and he would read through everything, but he really thinks i might need to see someone in the vascular field, because he's not sure it's neurological. i said, well, i have seen a vascular dr and that is who sent me to you, the neurologist. so the vascular thinks it is neuro, and the neuro thinks it's vascular. i also told him that the dr i see at the pain clinic thinks that i dont have one OR the other. he thinks maybe i have 2 or 3 different things going on, and other doctors are having a problem diagnosing because they are trying to lump them all together in one diagnosis... when maybe there is more than one. so, i left the office being told that they would not schedule me for another appointment until the dr reads my file and determines if he can possibly do anything for me.

i got out of there without shedding a tear. but as soon as i got in the car, and called my sister, i was bawling. i just dont know what to do. (and her come more tears).

when i got home and looked at my calendar for november 2, i called the nurse i had seen that morning. i told her that now that i have looked at my calendar, i know for sure that my phone was working that day. november 2 i had 2 dr appointments, and i got out of the first one early so i called the next dr to see if i could get in there early. so i know my phone was working, and i did not get a voicemail. i asked " suppose someone did leave a voicemail... is it customary for your office to reschedule an appointment with a voicemail and without ever talking directly to the patient?" she said no, not at all. and she reassured me that they know who this was and it will be taken care of within the office. and she apologized to me for the hundredth time. but that doesnt help me now. i am out a lot of time and pain and suffering already... and as time passes without help, i am worse off.

i called dr mahmood's office and made an appointment. they got me in january 28th, 845a. i told the scheduling girl i just wanted a check up. however, i am going to take all my paperwork in there, and confront him about getting my medical leave denied. i need to get a witness to go with me, and i might to try to borrow a tape recorder from someone so i can record the conversation. the only way i am going to get my retro-pay and keep my job is if this guy corrects what he sent to my employers medical leave center. medical leave rep sent me an outline of contradicting paperwork that dr mahmood sent. the speed bump is that someone within his office told me that portions of my file were lost. how convenient.

i am wicked afraid i am going to keep getting bounced around then next thing i know april will be here and nothing will be better and i will get fired. i have never been fired. and, i have been with this company for 7 years! 7 years! and even though i have been there 7 years, in the 8 months that i have been off, only 3 people (all of whom i knew outside of work) have kept in touch with me to see how i am doing. when i was still working, i used to make posters, and cards and collect money for get well cards and flowers and such for other people. for me, nothing. --now, dont get me wrong. like i said, there have been 3 people that have checked in on me. but they are people that i know outside of work, so i dont really group them in as co-workers. ya know? i just feel like i have been forgotten. and maybe since they dont care enough about me, i shouldnt care enough to want their concerns. i dont know. it just hurts.

i havent received any paycheck since september. 4 months. i have never had a credit card. which i am sure is good in a way, but right now, if i dont have cash, i dont have anything. i have been racking up debt to friends and family by borrowing money. i never borrow money. this is killing me. i am trying like hell to sell my house. i need to get out from under this mortgage. i have been talking with a friend of mine that is in real estate, and i think he is going to get with me next week to try to help me with the house. fingers crossed. i applied for state assistance, which i have never done before, but i have been told i am not eligible. it kills me that i see loser drug addicts feeding their junk lives with government money programs, yet i am a clean, honest, willing-to-work citizen, and i cant get a cent. blargh. i really believe anyone on any sort of government assistance should have to pass drug tests and child support background checks before they are issued driver's license and / or money of any kind. but what do i know?! i have been trying to sell some household stuff. as i am sure some of you have seen posted on my facebook, myspace, and craigslist. i just need something to bring in a bit of cash to float me until... well, i dont know until. until i get my medical leave appeal approved and i can get my paid medical leave i deserve. until i uncover winning lottery numbers. until i am miraculously healed.

okay, i have rambled enough for this morning.
i know that there are people worse off than me, and i do feel guilty as if my woes arent important... but they are. and i am trying all i can to take care of myself. and for me, a lot of the time, that is writing and getting it out. so, dont feel obligated to read what i write. but if you do read it, thank you for taking the time. for giving your time. i appreciate it more than you know.

much love to you and yours.
be well.
~angela

ps for those of you that have asked about other behind-the-scenes stuff with me... i'll get to that update later! thanks for caring!

**click to read collage**

medical update #6

hey there punks and kittens~~

i saw my dr at the pain clinic this morning. i was scheduled for my 3rd round of injections, but after a long talk, we decided to stop the injections and try some other stuff (since the injections dont seem to be helping). i will still be getting the lidocaine iv infusions, though. pain dr is referring me to a different neurologist at a different hospital than the previous (incompetent) neurologist i had seen before. he said it might take a couple of weeks to get in, but i have other appointments in the meantime, so it'll be fine. he wants me to have another round of brain and spinal MRIs since my previous set was back in may. also wants new / different blood workups. possibly another EMG (i'm not at all excited about that).

i see my primary care on monday 2nd (unless she gets a cancellation and i can get in sooner). pain dr wants me to discuss with my primary care about possibility of getting me on a med that might be able to cover the spectrum of pain, anxiety, and depression all in one. most of you know that i despise taking pills, but i'll do what i have to for now to get better as quickly as possible.

pain dr says he would not credit all of my current medical issues with stress and anxiety... but he says that they could be a HUGE factor as to why i am not improving. he's got me seeing a pain psychologist as well. actually, he is referring me to a new / different pain psych next time i go in. maybe new eyes and ears will notice something all of us havent yet. fingers crossed.

no more discussion of cleveland clinic just yet. pain dr said that is still going to be a last resort.

last week i was having some pretty miserable tremor days. most of you know that due to pain and lack of money i havent been getting out much. i just stay at "home". well, one night last week my sis and i went to a little holiday / food expo at the local auditorium. i had tremors terribly that day. tried to curl my hair but i couldnt function my hand to use the curling iron, dropped it on my foot. then i about lost all of my food at the expo when my tremors kicked in high gear as i was holding my food plate. sis saved my chocolate chip muffin in mid-air! thanks sis!

i know it seems like most of my recent posts are depressing. i dont mean them to be. i am just trying to figure it all out. (with all of my pain, i cant go to the batting cages to take out my frustrations, so i am writing) i have always been able to take care of myself and others... this current helplessness is new to me. i have been low on funds, but never BROKE, before. i have never been late on my mortgage in 5 years. and now i am having to file for homeowners hardship assistance. my paid medical leave benefit through my employer has been exhausted, so now i have ZERO income. i have $23 in my bank account. i honestly have no fucking clue how i am going to pay for anything at all. tomorrow morning one of the local churches is doing something they call "daily bread". every other week, this same church, takes donations from grocery stores that have day old breads and such and they allow those in need to come in and take what you need for your household. now, it's not like you take all you can get... you sign up for your household and they designate how many you can get. like 3 loaves sliced bread, 1 bag hamburger buns, 1 bag hotdog buns, 1 bag bagels or english muffins... and so on. i know i cant eat all of it myself before it goes bad, so i either dont take all i am allowed, or i take it to my sis or something. i've tried to convince sis that with her gang of kids, she should take advantage of this offering, but she hasnt been there with me yet. i kinda feel a little bad about it since i dont go to church... but a good friend of mine goes to that church and she says the church honestly does not care. they just want to help. side note, i feel like some people in line are judging me. this is a small town. i see people there that i know, know of me and where i work. they know that i have a "good" job with nice pay and benefits. they glare and stare. i know that they dont know my situation... and i shouldnt have to explain myself... but i still feel like i am stealing from the poor.

anywhom... what was i saying before that free bread rant?!

yeah, so, my dr(s) are not ruling out that my stress levels are impairing my healing process.

there are A LOT of things i dont (and cant) write about publicly right now. the main reason is that some things, well, i dont know what i can and cant say to keep my employment protected. i lost my medical leave job protection when i hit the 6 month mark, and they gave my specific job away. so now, i am still "attached" to the company, but i do not have a specific job to return to. i have until april 2010 to get better enough to return to work, or they will "separate" me from the company. april is 7 months away, which seems like forever... but i never in a million years thought i would be off this 6 months i have been off through now.

my sister and her boyfriend and their clan of rugrats finally found themselves a place bigger than my house. they moved out of my place a couple of weeks ago. so, i am now trying to get my house ready to sell. nothing fancy... i have no money and no physical energy, so i'm selling it as-is for the most part. i think i am just about close enough that i am going to try to have my first open house this coming weekend. for anyone interested, i'll be sure to post it and let you know. tell everyone you know! i have fliers with all the info if you want to pass it along to family and friends... or i can email the info to you. i just need to get out of this mortgage! i am currently renting from a friend's parents' rental property. it is super-duper cheaper and it gives me the open availability to to sell my place asap since it is empty and ready to go!

like i said, there are sooo many things going on in my life that you kids know nothing about. i dont want you to think that i am bitching without reason. and i'm sure that some of my rants come out wrong or misplaced since i have other troubles i am not at liberty to discuss, or out of respect for other people i just dont discuss them publicly. so, please bear with me when i vent. and please bear with me if i dont return emails, phone calls or texts right away. just because you might see me logged in to a website, does not mean i am staring at my computer. i leave it on a lot of times so that i dont have to wait for my computer's start-up cycles. i only "just" got my cell phone in february 2006. i did so because i had met a guy online that lived a few hours away and my family and friends we all freaked when i said i was going to meet him for the first time. they didnt shutup until i got a cell phone before i went to meet him. however, part of me knew that it would not always be used for good... that evil could come of it... and that evil is the fact that many people believe cell phones to be personal tracking devices rather than modern convenience. *eye roll* anywhom, as i was saying, if i dont get back with you right away, maybe it is because i want or need space, time, sleep, rest, blah blah blah. and thank you in advance for your respect.

okay, well, i dont know that i actually made any points in this post. sounds like just a bunch of rambles to me. seems like there were other things i wanted to address or discuss but i cant really remember them. suppose i am going to curl up with my doggies on the couch, heating pad on my head, and watch my housemate play his wii zelda until i drift to slumber.

thank you for all of your love, support, well wishes, cares, concerns, prayers, thoughts, vibes, meditations, and such!
i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.
~angela

a very quick rant, just to get it out!

what the heck did i do in this life or any other life to curse me with what i am going through now?!

sept.28th i spoke with my mortgage people about fact that i have NO income due to medical leave & rep told me i must file for "hardship program" (8 page application) THEN i can file for "forbearance" (only a 2 page application)to help me with my mortgage payment while i have no income. now, today, i called & diff rep told me hardship program only lowers payment, doesnt help when you have NO income, & that i should be filing forbearance! i told her that a month ago i was told the opposite! she dealt with my "unhappiness" well, & walked me thru 5/3 online how to do it fastest way. but i could have done that a month ago & been done with this & had my mortgage (possibly) taken care of by now! instead, i have not been able to pay my mortgage for the first time in 4 years (this month) & it's getting late fees & damaging my credit. AND she is not sure they will retro help me, but she said she will ask about it considering the situation. GAAA!

oh... and while i was typing the above note, my employer called and said they are officially putting my job up for bid. so when i am able to return to work, i will have to apply online and interview and be awarded a new position within the company. and as of april 25, 2010 my medical leave benefit will exhaust and i will be separated from the company if i have not yet returned.

explanation of medical leave junk, and asking for your ideas

this was written last night... but i thought i lost it when my computer auto-update-restarted overnight. bothered me all day that i couldnt remember everything to rewrite it (since i was in a post-treatment-zombie-haze when i wrote it about 1a). then as i was just now trying to nap but my tornado of thoughts was keeping me awake, i realized that i used the "edit posts" on my blogger to spell check and it has auto save! so, here it is.

more and more medical leave paperwork. as i have stated before, i am on what my employer is calling "approved medical leave without pay" since i have exhausted all of my paid medical leave (26 weeks worth). i am still "attached" to the company, but they have back-filled my specific job. so when i am able to return to work, i will have to apply online for a job, interview, and be awarded a new position. right now, there are no jobs open. just my luck.

also my luck... i am reading over the information on my "extended disability plan application" and pieced this together:

-i have been on medical leave since may 15, 2009.
-i have been on UNPAID leave since september 15, 2009.
-i am not eligible for extended disability until november 12, 2009.
-extended disability would allow me appox. 50% of my pay.
-per extended disability plan, i am required to also file for social security disability benefits.

medical leave paperwork cover letter noted:

-SS application can take several months.

-advised SS determinations have "entirely different standards" and more than likely i could be denied.

-your disability must be for "a period no less than 12 months"

-i have been off just short of 6 months, and was also sent a letter that states "after you have been on one year of leave and you are unable to return to work and have no impending release to return to work from medical leave you may be separated from the company."

-so, it seems a bit of a waste for me to file for SS disability benefits since
1) i dont meet the minimum requirement of 12 months off and
2) if i did meet the minimum 12 month requirement, i would be off too long to be able to keep my employment status active and would prolly be fired (excuse me, "separated") anyway.

but lets say i AM approved for at least the extended disability through my employer alone. my application is not eligible until november 12, 2009. then i am told it takes an average 60 days to be approved. lets go on the fast side and say it only takes me 30 days. november 12th my application is in. say, december 12th i'm approved. well, on this plan you get paid monthly "on our about the 25th of the month"... they say, that your initial monthly payment will not be until the following month.

the earliest i could possibly get my next paycheck is january 25th, 2010.
so, i have the terrible possibility of being on unpaid leave with no assistance from september 15, 2009 until january 25, 2010. (at the earliest!)

do you see now one of my major stress factors in addition to my health issues? i have, literally, no income. i am not eligible for unemployment or state assistance. (i would like to note that i have never used any form of government assistance and i refuse to, unless absolutely necessary. and i think now is the time i would need it, but i am not eligible.) no income whatsoever. medical bills piling up on top of my regular bills. i really need to get my house sold. i have never had a credit card. still dont. never been in a bankruptcy or foreclosure situation and i am trying my damnedest not to let that happen now.

honestly, i just dont know what else i can do. if anyone has any experience with a similar situation or suggestions, ideas, brainstorms... let me know! i am exhausted with trying to get better AND trying to figure out how this will work. i think the added stress of the paperwork / lack-of-income aspect is so very stressful it may be hindering my healing process, if even a little.

i know that sooo many people are going through sooo many of their own things right now. i am not trying to say my worries or woes are worse than yours. on the same note, i do know that a lot of you are going through, well, a lot... but that shouldnt discount the level of my situation. i hope i am not putting my foot in my mouth here. i just hope that we can all support each other and love each other and get through these miserable things together. i am always here if any of you ever want to write, email, call, text... whatever. i am here for you! i love you all so very much and i just wish we could all live happy, healthy and peacefully. together.

maybe that's just the flower child in me.

take care of you and yours.
be well.
~angela

please note: yes, i am grateful for what i DO have... a roof over my head (currently), medical insurance (currently), LOVING family, friends and canines, and each day that i wake up, alive (yeah, even though i am in pain... i am alive!)