i guess the lord must be in nyc

this sums up how i've been feeling...

KaiYin Is Home From Her 6th cancer Surgery

(backstory) Summer of 2000 I decided that I really wanted to have a dog. I was working at an animal hospital. Earlier that year I had to make the heart-breaking decision to put my cat, Jenae, to sleep. She had undergone 2 exploratory surgeries, 3 months on a feeding tube, and countless tests. I was giving Jenae injections at home 3 times a day as well as maintaining her feeding tube schedule, because I could not stand to have her in the hospital, away from me all the time. I took care of her for as long as I could at home, before she was finally admitted to ICU at the animal hospital where I worked. One of the toughest decisions in my life was knowing when to let Jenae go. She was in so much pain. I held her in my arms and told her I loved her over and over as they put the "sleeping meds" in her iv. Jenae was only 4 years old. Since her "illness" still had not been determined, I requested a necropsy be done. The results came back that she had a rare liver disease that is unique to large, wild cats such as lions and tigers. A small decimal percentage of domesticated cats develop this disease. Unfortunately, Jenae was one of them.
I had been paying as we went with Jenae's medical bills... and I was thankful that my employer at the animal hospital gave me discounts when they could. After Jenae had passed, I still had over $2,000 in medical bills for her. My employer found a way that between the two of us it could somehow be rolled in to their / my taxes and I just paid the taxes on it. Anywhom, what I am getting at is... there is nothing I will not do to help my animals or any animal for that matter. Originally, Jenae belonged to a friend of mine from high school. He joined the military shortly after she was born and when he left, I said I would take care of her. So my folks drove her to me from 5 hours away! Jenae is still a warm, fond love I will always have. Jenae was by far one of my greatest friends and I miss her every day.

I told you that to tell you this story is about KaiYin. My gorgeous, adorable, lovable, strong, faithful canine friend ~ KaiYin. After Jenae's passing, I didnt feel right getting another cat so soon. I was raised with dogs, but they were my father's hunting dogs and they slept outside in a kennel. The hunting dogs werent really for play with the kids... but we would take them on walks once in a while and hang out with them. Anywhom. I wanted a dog. My roommate at the time was not very keen on the idea, but I knew that my dog would be around longer than my roommate, so my mind and heart were set. I started looking at kennels, breeders, boxes of puppies "for free", any doggie you can think of, I looked at it! (it was very hard not to take all of them!) I would make rounds on my way home from work and on the weekends looking at all the pounds and kennels and rescues and such. I really wanted to have a dog for my birthday in August. But August came and went and I still had not found exactly who I was looking for. Finally, in October, I found her. I was walking through a rescue and saw the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen on a doggie. She was very skinny and somewhat shy. Her kennel name was "Elle" and she was 10 months old but only weighed 23 pounds (she now weighs 48 lbs.) I asked to walk her. So she and I went for a walk and attempted play in the grass. But she was guarded at that point. I was told that she is an American Dingo and that she had been abused by her previous owner. I had to have her. I had to save her and make her a happy dog. I could see in her eyes that she really wanted to be a happy dog! Those outstanding green eyes! So I applied for her and had to wait 24 hours while they did background checks and such. I also had to come in for a animal ownership course thing. After a couple of days she was able to come home with me!

I was sooo excited! I had purchased everything a doggies heart desires. The house and I were ready for her. Once I got her home, my roommate said that he didnt want her roaming freely in the house when we werent around. (he owned the house and i was renting from him) Anywhom, I had purchased a crate so that she could be crate trained - but I was completely against this idea. Well, the first night she cried A L L night and even peed and pooped in the crate, as well as, she kicked it all out of the crate and onto the wall! I-told-him-so. He was not amused. I never put her in the crate again. She slept with me or next to my bed on a doggie bed. (Now you would think *I* sleep with *her*... the bed belongs to my doggies and I squeeze in where I can!)

After about 2 weeks I still had not named her. I went through baby name books and websites... I wanted just the perfect name for her. Somehow I was calling her "girlfriend" until one day on the back porch I realized she was answering to "c'mon girlfriend, lets go inside" So, I knew I had to dedicate some more time to finding her name. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was hers...

KaiYin: (translation)
English = Celebrated Child.
Nigerian = Faithful Dog.
Arabic = Friend.

It was perfect!

Cut to 2.5 years later. KaiYin was now about 3 years old and we had moved 6 times in 3 different states. I was at home, grooming her, and I noticed a little bump on her left side between her back leg and ribcage area. I took her to the vet immediately. They said it was prolly just fatty tissue. She was scheduled for a dental anyway, so I asked for the vet to remove it when she was under for the dental. So they did. However, the vet that I liked, that I thought was doing the surgery, was not the one that did the surgery. It was the vet in that office that I dont like. Grrr. He only removed the lump itself without margins under the assumption it would be fatty tissue. I requested that he send it to a lab to find out (this is a small town we live in now). Bad vet said that it would cost about $50 for lab workups. I said I didnt care, I wanted to know what it was. So they sent it off and it came back... cancer. Go fucking figure. Good vet called me and explained that what would happen is this: the cancer cells in the margins that were not removed will gradually form a new mass. When that happens, they will remove it with large margins. I was still upset, but understood there was nothing else to be done at that point. So I had to wait. Wait for this terrible thing to happen again. She went through this 2 more times and I wont get into all the details, but lets just say that the good vet quit that animal hospital due to the result of something the bad vet did, and now KaiYin has surgeons out of state that we drive over an hour one-way to see. But they are worth it! So, this all started when KaiYin was about 3. KaiYin is now almost 10. It's so hard for me to think of her being *that* old. She has no gray hair and she certainly does not act like and old dog! I dont even believe that she knows she is *sick*. She has never paid any attention to the tumors when they form and she is SOOO well-behaved and tolerant of her surgeries. She's amazing!

Well, this is her 6th surgery in 6 years. I have easily spent well over $10,000 on this doggie for her surgeries alone. But she is worth every penny and more. I will do all I can for her. She is my dog-ter! My kid! My best friend! I have a thing about numbers and slight superstitions. I was born on Friday the 13th so I have always believed it is lucky for me. Well, KaiYin had her surgery on 09.09.09 and she is 9 years and 9 months old. I tried to think of that as a good sign after we dropped her off to the animal hospital Wednesday. When we picked her up yesterday, she was sooo happy! She is just an all around happy dog! You would think she doesnt even know she has staples holding her together for the next 2 weeks. She just wants to play and love! And I love that about her!

A little over a year ago I somehow came across the story of a boy named Pablo who had just been diagnosed with Wilm's tumor. I have followed Pablo's story religiously. I do believe "pablove" has become my religion. If you dont know what I am talking about, I am not sure how to explain it. It's feelings and love and faith in humanity, I suppose. There really are no words for it... but Pablo's dad, Jeff, does a beautiful job of putting it all into words on the PABLOg!
Little Pablo lost his battle with cancer this summer. He was only 6 years and 6 days old. I never got to meet Pablo or any of his wonderful family in person, but I feel like they are part of my family, with all that they have shared with us through their website. When I was in LA a week ago that was the big thing on my to-do list: Visit Pablo. My friend, Michael, went with me and we visited Pablo at Forest Lawn Cemetery. I left flowers and cards and a few little pirate figurines I had found. Pablo loved pirates! Michael and I just hung out in the sun with Pablo, looking at the glorious mountains and clear sky and all the beauty surrounding Pablo's space. He's even got a nice shade tree growing next to him as well as a wall, perfect for his favorite Geronimo jumps!

Before we visited Pablo, Michael and I had a Pablo Day. We went to Trails for lunch (one of P's favorite places - we also went to dinner later that night at Malo, another of Pablo's favorites), then we went to the Dangerbird offices where Pablo's dad, Jeff, works... so we could see the pablove mural. While we were taking photos of the mural, Josh from Dangerbird noticed us and asked if we wanted some stickers. heck yeah! I love stickers and Pablo and spreading the pablove! It worked out perfectly because I wanted to go in the offices anywhom and ask about buying another Pablove shirt. This one was for KaiYin. Josh took care of us and then we were on our way to Forest Lawn. (pablove mural photos 1 ~ 2 ~ 3 ~ 4)

When KaiYin gets out of surgery, they dont want her messing with her incision area so they usually put a wrap around her torso area. When I get her home, I usually change it out to a t-shirt. Now KaiYin has a Pablove shirt to wear! I know that Pablo loved doggies and I am sure that his Spirit is helping to heal my KaiYin. I really believe this.

KaiYin's incision / scars... photo 1 and photo 2 ... she has 1 huge surgical scar running parallel to the current incision, 2 toward her belly that run perpendicular, and 1 (not shown) on her chest.

When KaiYin goes back in 2 weeks for her staples to be removed, I will be talking with her vet surgeon about an animal Oncologist at Michigan State. I have no idea what this has in store for us, but from the sounds of it, doc thinks that maybe just a couple of rounds of radiation might blast this out of her system and she wouldnt keep getting the tumors. We can only hope. I hate to say it, but the only reason I have not taken her to the Oncologist so far is money. I just have not had the money. I, myself, had to have a pretty serious surgery a couple years ago and I am even now going through terrible health issues. I was off work from October 2008 - January 2009 and have currently been off work (on medical leave) since April 2009. I am not putting KaiYin aside due to my health issues, I am just trying to take care of both of us.

Loki, my 3 year 6 month old doggie, is going somewhat stir-crazy. She is English Setter mixed with Blue Heeler and all she wants to do is play play play with KaiYin! But she has been very well-behaved during this whole ordeal. I am very proud of her.

Thank you for all of your well-wishes and concerns. I tell KaiYin all the time how much everyone loves her and wants her to get better. Yes, I talk to my doggies. If you dont understand, maybe you should get a dog... they melt your heart... then you will understand!

I will post updates as I know more and as I feel up to it. Thanks for your patience with the gaps in my updates due to pain keeping me from the simplest things, including typing. (read my medical update blog posts for more information)

I love you all oodles and bunches! Dont forget to tell your loved ones that... every single time you see them and / or talk with them. I'll leave you with something I wrote in a journal years ago:

"For those of you fortunate enough to have Love in your life...don't take it for granted. Love with all you have in you...like each day is the last. Always leave your partner with loving words and a kiss...and greet each other the same way. Cuddle as you fall to sleep...even if you stray in the night. Set your alarm 5 minutes early so that you can cozy up before starting your day. Sit on the same side of the booth in restaurants. Hide love notes for the other to find. Smile at each other. Hold Hands. Hug. Kiss. Touch...even if it's just hands passing in the hall or your foot to his foot in the middle of the night as you reposition in your sleep. It's the little things that mean the most. Whisper goodnight, sweet dreams and kiss him even if he's already sleeping. For those of you fortunate enough to have Love in your life...don't take it for granted."

Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness

· Have a dog.

· Compliment someone every day.

· Remember other people's birthdays.

· Say "thank you" a lot.

· Say "please" a lot.

· Learn to play a musical instrument.

· Sing in the shower.

· Buy great books, even if you never read them.

· Be forgiving of yourself and others.

· Return all things you borrow.

· Never buy a house without a fireplace.

· Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards.

· Take lots of photos.

· Never refuse homemade brownies.

· Don't postpone joy.

· Vote.

· Surprise loved ones with unexpected gifts.

· Let people pull in front of you when you are stopped in traffic.

· Hug children after you discipline them.

· Learn to make something beautiful with your hands.

· Never forget your anniversary.

· Slow dance.

· Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it's just a daisy in a jelly glass.

· Know how to type.

· Use credit cards only for convenience, never for credit.

· Think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures.

· Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.

· Pay your bills on time.

· Be tough minded but tenderhearted.

· Be romantic.

· Let people know what you stand for--and what you won't stand for.

· Show respect for all living things.

· Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.

· Keep a journal.

· Don't encourage rude or inattentive service by tipping the standard amount.

· Never cut what can be untied.

· Take good care of those you love.

· Lie on your back and look at the stars.

· Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.

· Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things: (1) finding the right person and (2) being the right person.

· Lock your car even if it's parked in your own driveway.

· Take a nap.

· Get your next pet from an animal shelter.

· Reread your favorite book.

· Own a good dictionary.

· Own a good thesaurus.

· Pay your fair share.

· Remain open, flexible, curious.

· Begin each day with your favorite music.

· Don't be intimidated by doctors and nurses. Even when you're in the hospital, it's still your body.

· Keep a note pad and pencil on your nightstand.

· Marry only for Love.

· Count your blessings.

· Never buy a coffee table you can't put your feet on.

· Never allow anyone to intimidate you.

· Kiss slowly.

· Kiss your loved ones good night, even if they are already asleep.

· Remember the credo of Walt Disney: Think. Believe. Dream. Dare.

· Never complain about a flight delayed for mechanical repairs. Waiting on the ground is infinitely better than the alternative.

· Always take your vacation time.

· Write some poetry.

· Never ignore an old barking dog.

· When loved ones drive away, watch and wave until you can no longer see the car.

· Keep a pad and pencil by every phone.

· If you are a guest at a wedding, take lots of snapshots and send them along witht the negatives to the bride and groom as quickly as you can. They have a long time to wait for the formal photos and will thrilled to receive the ones you took.

· Write out your favorite quotation(s) and place it where you can see it everyday.

· Offer hope.

· Never ask a childless couple when they are going to have children.

· Celebrate even small victories.

· Make an effort to attend weddings and funerals.

· Whenever you hear an ambulance siren, say a prayer for the person inside.

· When you are the first one up, be quiet about it.

· Include a recent family photo when writing to a loved one.

· Don't make eating everything on their plate an issue with children.

· When traveling, pack more underwear and socks than you think you will need.

· Be passionate.

· Never tell anybody they can't sing.

· Never tell anybody they don't have a sense of humor.

· Go for long, hand-holding walks with your loved one.

· Become the world's most thoughtful friend.

· Never marry someone in hopes that they'll change later.

· Keep a photo of each person you have dated.

· Don't buy a cheap motorcycle helmet.

· Never leave fun to find fun.

· Collect menus from your favorite restaurants.

· Put a love note in your loved one's luggage before they go on a trip.

· When you really like someone, tell them. Sometimes you only get one chance.

· Paint a picture.

· Pay attention to photos of missing children.

· Keep wetnaps in the glove box.

· Never sharpen a boomerang.

· Marry someone who loves music.

· Rescue your dreams.

· Love deeply.

· Laugh loudly.

· Don't expect different results from the same behavior.

"this day's got to get better"

today is apparently going to be one of those days. not by choice... believe me, no one chooses this junk. and i wouldnt wish it on anyone, either. i've never been afraid or ashamed to talk about my depression. i think that is because i am constantly hoping for someone else to reach out and meet me in the middle. or maybe i just want to be understood. depression cannot be controlled. i get even more irritated when people say things to me like "just think happy thoughts" or "you need to try to be more positive" ~~ it doesnt work that way! i can be having the best day ever and then i get struck by a depression lightening bolt and i'm crying in the middle of a perfect day. that's just the way it is. i despise taking meds for any reason. i've been told by about 6 different doctors over the years that i have "situational depression". i think that is such a generic term. i think everyone could say that is their "problem"... change your situation and you wont be depressed! well, no shit! i have suffered this emotional yuckiness for as long as i can remember. i moved away from this miserable town about a month after i graduated high school in 1995. lived in 5 states since then. michigan, florida, indiana, arizona, and north carolina. i visited new york city march 2008 and fell in love with it! i have been doing just about all i can to get myself out there again. however, i am also contemplating los angeles. i havent been there yet, but i really want to visit before i decide between nyc and la. anywhom... i have been back in this town i grew up in for over 6 years now. 6 years ago i thought i would only be here for a quick stop, passing through to help with some family stuff, then moving on for my own reasons. 6 years later i am still here. i feel like i am stagnating. i adore and love my family and the few friends i have here so very very much. they know that. but they also want what is best for me. and i want what is best for them. i have tried to get a few of them to possibly move with me... but to no avail. and that is fine. everyone has a different happiness. i know they say "happiness is not a destination, it's a journey." i somewhat agree with that. i am trying to enjoy what i can... but there is just nothing here that makes me happy happy. ya know? everyone i know has something or someone that makes them happy and keeps them here. i dont feel like i have that connection. i have the love of my family and i know that will never fade... no matter where i live. i have the friendships of a few select people that i will always cherish and feel i never deserve(d).

i have been hurt and used and taken advantage of in my life of more than i talk about. i believe that is why i keep such a small circle. i know that i am a giver. i know that i am a good person. i am not trying to sound arrogant. i am just trying to get these thoughts and feelings out to be shared. i will do all i can to help humans and animals alike. if you are a true friend of mine, no doubt you have seen or felt my giving nature first hand. even strangers have been on the receiving end of my generosities. i do animal rescue and have been a foster home to many dogs and cats until i found forever-homes for them. i send individually hand-written christmas cards by the dozens to homeless shelter residents. that's just the kind of stuff i like to do. i do have a couple of friends that are wonderfully giving and helpful to me that i could never repay. however (without going into detail) i have had more people hurt me, literally without explanation, and i just dont understand that.

i do understand that one of my depression issues stems from not only the emotional roller coaster listed above, but also from the on-going search to find out what is wrong with me physically. the doctors have been running so many tests and exams and transferred me from one specialist to the other... and still, no answers. no diagnosis. as well as no treatments. so i am still in pain, but nothing is currently being done about it. this is draining... physically and emotionally.

this is getting much deeper than i originally planned on writing today. it's now midnight30. i started writing this about noon. i've been back and forth and edited out quite a bit. maybe i'll re-enter those thoughts some other time.

for today, basically and overall, i just want(ed) someone to notice when i am having a bad day and try to make it easier for me... or easier on me. not necessarily go out of their way... but just be more sensitive and aware... and be tender. i am a huge talker, but i dont like to talk much when i'm in the midst of a black day. i dont know about most of you, but i dont like to make decisions when i am down. i dont like being asked questions or advice. i want someone to take care of me now and again. but not be pushy about it. i want to be left alone -- but i want someone waiting in the wings if i do need something. so many times i have been the person to drop off a sweet card or flowers out of the blue... soup when i hear a friend is sick... a small gift i saw while shopping that made me think of you... having a meal ready when someone gets home or wakes up since i know they had a long day... so many little things i feel dont mean as much if you have to ask for them. ya know? now, dont get me wrong -- i know i have a reputation for disliking unannounced house guests. so i understand that some people might be hesitant. i think it's just that, if i am doing any of the above, i do it, say a few nice words and leave. i dont linger and make small talk. i let the person be, but just want them to know someone is thinking about them.

i never used to be this way about unexpected house guests. i think it gets worse the longer i am here. i dont want to be here ( in this town ). i dont want to be seen here or known here. i want out so badly. but with all my medical situations right now, it's impossible for me to leave. i have a decent paying job with medical benefits that i need more than ever right now. so leaving is not an immediate option. but believe me, it's in the works.

i just want to be happy. i think we all do. and since i cant make myself happy right now... i hope i can make someone else happy. i know i havent been very social with my local community of friends and family. i have prolly been more social with my online friends and family due to the fact that i can sorta regulate that better. ( i hate the way that sounds. )

anywhom... i'm going to end this tangent, for now, and hope tomorrow is a better day. although i have my doubts. tomorrow is austin's going away party. austin is my 14 year old nephew. i love him with my entire being. his dad has been gone since he was about 5. my sister has tried the best she could to raise him on her own -- with the help of our wonderful family. he's more like a community son to all of us rather than a grandson or nephew. but my sister has decided to let him move to tennessee to live with his dad. maybe this will be better for him. as hard as we have tried with him, and as much as i would like for our efforts and love to be enough... maybe he'll bloom with his father. i really hope he doesnt get hurt. he hasnt lived with his dad -- so i'm hoping he's not disappointed after all these years fantasizing what it would be like. my heart is breaking over this on top of everything else. but, we all have different needs and wants. austin wants to live with his dad right now. i want to live in new york. why should i try to keep him from happiness just because of his age or because i dont want to lose him? i shouldnt. and i do hope everyone is happy and loved in the end.


i will end this with a few quotes that feel like today...

This day's got to get better. ~Chris Caris

There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

Every heart has its secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad. ~Longfellow

Those have most power to hurt us, that we love. ~Francis Beaumont

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. ~Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry. ~John Webster

Nobody heard him, the dead man, but still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought and not waving but drowning. ~Stevie Smith