For those of you fortunate enough to have Love in your life...don't take it for granted. Love with all you have in each day is the last. Always leave your partner with loving words and a kiss...and greet each other the same way. Cuddle as you fall to sleep...even if you stray in the night. Set your alarm 5 minutes early so that you can cozy up before starting your day. Sit on the same side of the booth in restaurants. Hide love notes for the other to find. Smile at each other. Hold Hands. Hug. Kiss. Touch...even if it's just hands passing in the hall or your foot to his foot in the middle of the night as you reposition in your sleep. It's the little things that mean the most. Whisper goodnight, sweet dreams and kiss him even if he's already sleeping. For those of you fortunate enough to have Love in your life...don't take it for granted. ~Angela Pearl

24 November 2009

from my heart

i have a lot of acquaintances. a few very close friends that i prefer to call family. and some wonderful family i am happy to also call friends. recently a handful of you have made me feel so loved when i have been so miserable. a note. a phone call. a voicemail. your simple kindnesses mean more to me than i can express right now. but i want to thank you for helping me feel less alone. i hope you know who you are... and i hope you know how much i love and appreciate you.

21 November 2009

what's been going on... (medical update #7)

hey there punks and kittens~~
sorry it's taken me a while to get an update posted. there has been a lot going on. thanks for your patience.

my doctors and i dont believe the lidocaine/steroid injections and/or the lidocaine iv infusion treatments are really doing any good. in fact, most of the time i feel worse for days after treatments with no pain relief once the treatment effects wear off. doctors say that i am still pretty close to the baseline i was at when i first started seeing them. no improvement really. so this coming monday the 23rd will prolly be my last round of the lidocaine iv infusion. but they wanted to give it one more try.

many of you know that the neurologist i was seeing was a quack. i am seeking legal action against him. this is still in the beginning stages. and go figure, my employer's medical leave reps denied my application for extended medical leave based on what this fucking idiot that calls himself a dr had told them. thing is, i have letters and scripts in his handwriting that completely contradict what he wrote to the medical leave board. so now, i have to go thru the appeals process. they said could take from 30-180 days. and in the mean time i still have NO PAY. i told the claims rep i find it frustrating, ironic, and confusing that i have seen 16 doctors in this time off and they base their decision on the one idiot i saw that i am trying to sue. my luck is outstanding.

now my pain dr is referring me to a different neurologist at a different hospital. pain dr wants me to have another round of brain and spinal mri and emg. thing is, they cant see me until january 4th! the fact that this is taking so much time is hurting me a lot. as of april 2010, i no longer have a job. i only get 1 year of approved medical leave. and since my extended medical leave has been denied, now they have me on a temporary "personal leave". this is worse. this still keeps me attached to my employer, but i have NO pay AND i am now going to be billed for my health insurance. i know, i know, at least if have health benefits... but without pay, how do they expect me to pay for them?

i have moved out of my roommate situation and back to my house that i own. my sister and her kids were renting my house until they could get their own place. they moved out in october. just this last week i moved back in to my place. my roommate situation was getting out of control. i'm not going to express all the details... but it was not a good situation... and in fact, i think it was a huge additive to my already high stress and anxiety levels.

now i am back in the house that i own and am trying to sell. when i moved out of my roommate situation last week, i put everything in storage. so the only stuff in this house is me, my dogs, my nephew's old bed (which the dogs and i are sleeping in!), and the dining room set i am trying to sell. hoping that the first week of december will be ready for open houses. i'll keep you all posted. i'm trying to sell it by owner right now. i just want to get out of it. i dont want to have to upcharge a ton of money just to pay a realtor. we'll see how that goes. i am also trying to sell the fridge and stove/oven if you or someone you know might be interested.

my pa's (stepdad) mother is in the hospital with a lot of cancer and is not doing well at all. "they" dont think she will make it to the end of the year. i hate when they try to tell someone "you only have this much time left". they dont know. we dont have expiration dates. and i think if you tell someone they only have a certain amount of time, they get that in their head and heart and maybe dont try because they are counting down the days. it's a miserable situation. brian (my stepdad) has been at the hospital non-stop. he's suffering very deeply about this. without going in to their family dynamics... brian lives the farthest away and has been camped at the hospital... while her immediate family that lives just minutes away hardly stop in once a week. brian's heart is just breaking. and there is nothing any of us can do to make any of this better for him or his mother. it's just so sad.

i had another round of ultrasounds yesterday to recheck the ovarian cysts. i wont go in to the gory details. i dont get the results until december 4th, but the tech said it looks to her like the huge cyst on my left ovary might be getting smaller. they said that cysts can disintegrate... but that it'll be happily unusual if this one (because of the size - the cyst is the same size as my ovary) disintegrates rather than ruptures. i've had some pain for a couple of weeks, but they said it could be slowly breaking apart rather than one huge excruciating rupture. i can do without the excruciating! so, fingers crossed, this will get rid of itself.

there is more going on... but i'm kinda tired of typing right now. i know things seem to be crazy for so many people right now. i see posts on twitter, facebook and myspace and i am astounded by all of the miserable situations people are having to deal with. broken hearts, broken homes, illness, death, medical, financial, emotional... i just wish the best to each and every one of you. i love you all dearly, and even though some of us only chat online, i still cherish any contact i can get with you. (even though i would much rather give you each *hugs* in person!)

take care of you and yours.
much love.
be well.

05 November 2009

requesting positivity & peace for my friends & family

hey there friends and family~~
i would like to take some time to request your support for some people that are very important in my life. anything you want to send, whether it be good vibes, thoughts, prayers, meditations, smoke signals... whatever... these people could really use some positive power.

My sister, Heather.
Heather is a private person, so i will respect her privacy and not give details. Heather has some could-be-serious medical stuff going on with herself recently. i went with her to a doctor appointment yesterday, and they want her to get some tests in the next couple of weeks then she will be seen again in about 2 weeks for a recheck and test results. i absolutely treasure my sister, and so very much want her to be happy and healthy.

My Pa and his family.
Brian is my "stepdad"... but he is really more like a 2nd dad to me. His mother is extremely ill with cancer. I wont go in to details, but she is not doing well. As any family would, they are struggling trying to wrap their heads and hearts around this miserable illness and what it has done, and continues to do, to their family. To make matters worse, we got a phone call today that Brian's grandfather has cancer. G'pa will be going to the V.A. Hospital, from what I understand. Everyone in this world is important to someone. Brian is, beyond words, important to me. I cant stand to see him suffer, as he cant stand to see his mother and grandfather suffer, and not be able to do anything about it. cancer is a miserable miserable scum.

My Niece, Aubriana.
Aubriana will be 4 years old in January. she is the youngest of my sister's 3 children. she is also the 3rd of the 3 to be diagnosed with epilepsy (my sis has epilepsy as well). they say it is a freak occurrence that my sister and all of her children have it. Aubriana had her first EEG last week and they have started her on depakote, which is also what Alexa (her 6 year old sister) is on. all of these kids have been so strong, and such troopers considering all they have to go through and so little that they can understand. learn more about epilepsy.

My little cousin, Leah, and her family.
Leah is 5 years old. Halloween 2008 Leah was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL). they were told she would have to undergo about 2 years of treatment. hopefully, they are 1/2 way through at this point. she is an amazing child with a spectacular spirit! recently, her ANC levels have been far below what they need to be. she has clinic every tuesday. her ANC needs to be over 1,000... 3 weeks ago her ANC was 456. 2 weeks ago it was 119. 1 week it was 200. this is the update Leah's mom (my cousin Sarah) sent us "Counts are still low today. We are holding chemo for another week. If her ANC is still low next week then they'll do a bone marrow to verify that nothing abnormal is going on. There continue to be no abnormal cells in her blood though. Thank you all for your prayers and please continue to pray for her." for more Leah updates, please check out their family blog here.

My good friend, and a splendid artist, Jess. i dont know how much of her story i am at liberty to discuss. but please please please send her some good vibes! *hugs*

My friend, Jennifer.
her father, who was a co-worker of mine, and he was a super sweet guy... passed away friday morning about 930a from lou gehrig's disease. i believe he was just diagnosed june 2009. i wasnt able to make it to his funeral, but i heard it was beautifully done.

Justin Meldal-Johnsen (most recently of Nine Inch Nails) is a spectacular musician that i absolutely adore. his mother, Marcia Smith, passed away from multiple myeloma on november 1st. after unexplained pain for months on end, she was diagnosed september 10, 2009 as stage III, the most advanced. Justin posted this "By way of explanation:" via the Nine Inch Nails forum. late last night / early this morning he posted this on his twitter "Thanks for kindness. My Mom passed away 11/1 after intense and courageous battle with cancer. Deeply grateful for support. Time for healing."

and, for now, last but not at all least...

a very special little boy, Noah, who is 5 years old is losing his fight to nueroblastoma. His family is going to celebrate Christmas next week. Noah would like to have Christmas cards. He loves getting mail! Help us make this possible please! Send your Christmas card to:

Noah Biorkman
1141 Fountain View Circle
South Lyon, MI 48178

***i just wanted to add a note. this is a real story. my ma's best friend knows Noah's family. it is so sad what these poor children, or anyone living with cancer, has to go through.***

thank you to each and every one of you that help send positivity and peace into the world.
much love to you and yours.
be well.

ps: i got my referral in the mail today from my soon-to-be new neurologist. they sent me a packet to fill out. however, it says that my new-patient appointment isnt until january 4, 2010 at 8a. i'm going to call. i hope they can put me on a cancellation list or something. i'll keep you posted.

03 November 2009

asking for help


i think, at this point, if you know me you know that i am currently on approved medical leave without pay. i have been on medical leave since may 15th. i have had ZERO income since september 15th. if my application for extended disability thru my employer is approved, the earliest i would see a paycheck is january 25th.

this is what it is coming down to. i am going to need to ask for / accept financial assistance. i have applied for state assistance but my application is pending approval which they said could take about another 3 weeks for an decision. this is for the michigan food assitance program. according to my application results, they say i dont qualify for cash assistance. i have no idea why not.

i applied for forbearance on my mortgage. in 5 years i have never missed a payment. now i am 2 months behind. my application is still pending at my mortgage bank, also. and low and behold, while i am awaiting the bank to make a decision (which they said could take 30 - 60 days) i received a notice today that due to taxes and escrow my house payment went up about $20 per month. lovely.
however, i do have the house for sale. hopefully my first open house will be this weekend. i figure i am on medical leave and cant do anything really, so the days i dont have packed with dr appointments, i am just going to sit at the house with my "open house now! come on in!" sign in the yard. i know the market sucks right now, but my house is in a really great neighborhood and i only want what i owe on it. oh yeah, and i am trying to sell my appliances individually for some quick cash.

i was approved for disability assistance on a small personal loan that i have. it's only a couple thousand dollars, but the insurance on the loan agrees to pay the full amount of my monthly payments while i am on disability. they even kicked in retro payments. yes!

additionally, i have medical bills racking up and still have to eat and pay for home utilities. i keep the house lights off as much as possible. i keep the gas heat down and just layer my clothes and cuddle with my doggies.

i have never had a credit card. which may be a good thing, so that i'm not racking them up now. however, it also means that in my current urgent situation, i dont have anything to fall back on now that the cash i did have is gone.

anywhom, so, yes, i am to the point i need to ask for help. i have never done this. i have always been able to take care of myself and anyone else that might need it. this is new and very uncomfortable for me. but i dont have much other choice. i have had some offers from family / friends wanting to send me money. up until this point i have turned them all down.

long story short, i need help. if you are willing and able to loan me anything financially, PLEASE KNOW THAT I WILL PAY YOU BACK! --AND THAT I WOULD BE EXTREMELY APPRECIATIVE! i am going to keep a journal of anything i get and payback every single penny as soon as i can. however, please keep in mind that "as soon as i can" might not be for a couple of months. i'm still in the process of making payment arrangements with everything listed above... but i am hoping, if all goes well, to be moving in the right direction by february.

as it stands now, i need about $4,000. any small amount would be helpful.
words cant express my deepest gratitude for any help at all.
even the smallest amount is huge to me right now.

i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.