28 July 2009
27 July 2009
26 July 2009
<<--- left to right
KaiYin, Me, Loki
KaiYin is my best dog in the world. she is my best friend. she is 9 years and 7 months old. she was diagnosed with cancer when she was 3. she has been through 5 surgeries to have masses removed. the least expensive surgery was about $2,000. a few months ago i found another lump. now, since the type of cancer she has usually recurs in the same area, it's sometimes hard to tell what is fresh and what is scar tissue. i took her in as soon as i found it, and they did a biopsy in the office. they said no cancer cells and sent us home. that was a relief. however. the recent couple of weeks i have noticed it seems to be growing ever so slightly. i called the animal hospital just now and they said i could call back after 8a and speak with her surgeon for an appointment. i need to get her in and get another biopsy. when i do this, if they ever find cancer cells, they keep her right away and do surgery. her most recent surgery was about $4,000 and that wasnt the most expensive one ever. anywhom... i asked how much the office consult would be... they said $120. ugh. this sucks so much. i cant get pet insurance on her because she has pre-existing. go figure. to top it off, i myself, am on medical leave and not getting paid on a regular basis. and when i do get paid, it is not a normal paycheck - it's only a percentage of my regular pay. i'm going to talk to them about setting up payment arrangements. we have been loyal and honest and appreciative patients there for a while now, and i am hoping that since they do love KaiYin so much (she loves them, too!) that they will let me set up some kind of payment plan. i have done that in the past, but with my irregular pay right now, i dont know what they will do for me. anywhom... i'll explain better, more, later about KaiYin and all we have gone through. i just wanted to post this tonight to let KaiYin lovers know. as far as i can tell, she never knows she is "sick". so that is a bit of a relief. i'll keep you posted as i know more.
~Angela, KaiYin, and Loki
"Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative." Mordecai Siegal
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." Will Rogers
· Have a dog.
· Compliment someone every day.
· Remember other people's birthdays.
· Say "thank you" a lot.
· Say "please" a lot.
· Learn to play a musical instrument.
· Sing in the shower.
· Buy great books, even if you never read them.
· Be forgiving of yourself and others.
· Return all things you borrow.
· Never buy a house without a fireplace.
· Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards.
· Take lots of photos.
· Never refuse homemade brownies.
· Don't postpone joy.
· Surprise loved ones with unexpected gifts.
· Let people pull in front of you when you are stopped in traffic.
· Hug children after you discipline them.
· Learn to make something beautiful with your hands.
· Never forget your anniversary.
· Slow dance.
· Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it's just a daisy in a jelly glass.
· Know how to type.
· Use credit cards only for convenience, never for credit.
· Think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures.
· Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.
· Pay your bills on time.
· Be tough minded but tenderhearted.
· Be romantic.
· Let people know what you stand for--and what you won't stand for.
· Show respect for all living things.
· Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full.
· Keep a journal.
· Don't encourage rude or inattentive service by tipping the standard amount.
· Never cut what can be untied.
· Take good care of those you love.
· Lie on your back and look at the stars.
· Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.
· Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things: (1) finding the right person and (2) being the right person.
· Lock your car even if it's parked in your own driveway.
· Take a nap.
· Get your next pet from an animal shelter.
· Reread your favorite book.
· Own a good dictionary.
· Own a good thesaurus.
· Pay your fair share.
· Remain open, flexible, curious.
· Begin each day with your favorite music.
· Don't be intimidated by doctors and nurses. Even when you're in the hospital, it's still your body.
· Keep a note pad and pencil on your nightstand.
· Marry only for Love.
· Count your blessings.
· Never buy a coffee table you can't put your feet on.
· Never allow anyone to intimidate you.
· Kiss slowly.
· Kiss your loved ones good night, even if they are already asleep.
· Remember the credo of Walt Disney: Think. Believe. Dream. Dare.
· Never complain about a flight delayed for mechanical repairs. Waiting on the ground is infinitely better than the alternative.
· Always take your vacation time.
· Write some poetry.
· Never ignore an old barking dog.
· When loved ones drive away, watch and wave until you can no longer see the car.
· Keep a pad and pencil by every phone.
· If you are a guest at a wedding, take lots of snapshots and send them along witht the negatives to the bride and groom as quickly as you can. They have a long time to wait for the formal photos and will thrilled to receive the ones you took.
· Write out your favorite quotation(s) and place it where you can see it everyday.
· Offer hope.
· Never ask a childless couple when they are going to have children.
· Celebrate even small victories.
· Make an effort to attend weddings and funerals.
· Whenever you hear an ambulance siren, say a prayer for the person inside.
· When you are the first one up, be quiet about it.
· Include a recent family photo when writing to a loved one.
· Don't make eating everything on their plate an issue with children.
· When traveling, pack more underwear and socks than you think you will need.
· Be passionate.
· Never tell anybody they can't sing.
· Never tell anybody they don't have a sense of humor.
· Go for long, hand-holding walks with your loved one.
· Become the world's most thoughtful friend.
· Never marry someone in hopes that they'll change later.
· Keep a photo of each person you have dated.
· Don't buy a cheap motorcycle helmet.
· Never leave fun to find fun.
· Collect menus from your favorite restaurants.
· Put a love note in your loved one's luggage before they go on a trip.
· When you really like someone, tell them. Sometimes you only get one chance.
· Paint a picture.
· Pay attention to photos of missing children.
· Keep wetnaps in the glove box.
· Never sharpen a boomerang.
· Marry someone who loves music.
· Rescue your dreams.
· Love deeply.
· Laugh loudly.· Don't expect different results from the same behavior.
18 July 2009
15 July 2009
in the past i have suffered from night terrors. i think i am somewhat mid-range between nightmares and night terrors at this point. most recently i have been having terrible awful miserable nightmares. last night i went to sleep about 1130p on the couch. i fell into a terrible nightmare i couldnt get out of. foreseeing what i thought was going to happen in my nightmare, i felt like i was trying to wake myself up but i couldnt. i kept thinking "i need to get out of this!" i know they say dreams are only a few minutes long and that you have many many dreams throughout slumber... but for some reason your mind holds on to certain things and makes you feel as if you have dreamed the same thing all night long. anywhom... i felt like i was in this nightmare and never getting out. next thing i knew, michael (my roommate) was saying my name and touched my arm. i jolted awake with a blood-curdling scream that dogs for miles around probably heard. i was crying uncontrollably. michael said he heard me crying from the bedroom and came out to see if i was okay. it was about 130a. i had apparently been sobbing in my sleep because my face and pillow were covered in tears and i was sweating like crazy. i dont know what happened. i dont know where this shit comes from. i told michael that these pains in my head probably have nothing to do with medical issues... they are probably lost or dead souls coming through. i dont know. i was just trying to lighten up and calm down. make a sorta funny about it. he got me some water and tissue as i tried to calm down. i was 1000% expecting a girl who i believed was named mary to be reaching for me. but trust me, i was relieved when it was michael!
when i was younger i would have these ridiculous nightmares as well. if they could even be considered nightmares. i remember one time when i was maybe 12 years old, my sister and i shared a room. i woke up in the middle of the night and saw a little girl knelt down between our beds, with her arms crossed and resting on the side of my bed, facing me. she had crazy long hair and the first thing i thought of was it was my mom as a little girl. i actually spoke aloud and said "mom?" then she widened her eyes at me and if freaked me out and i threw myself under my blankets. i was laying down totally covered head to toe. keeping myself covered, i started to sit up, indian-style, and as i did i could see the girl sitting the same way under the blankets with me! i screamed bloody murder and my parents came running in. as soon as they turned on the light, she was gone. i remember that like it happened 5 minutes ago. i will never forget her face.
i do believe in reincarnation, afterlife, in-between life, alien life... all of it. i know many religious folk disagree with that... but the way i see it, it cant be proven or disproved... kinda like god. right? i mean, the bible is "just a book" when it comes down to it. just because you believe it doesnt make it real. and just because you dont, doesnt mean it doesnt exist. that's all probably for a different time, though.
i was telling michael today that if i wasnt somehow emotionally attached and felt trapped / stuck in these nightmares, they would make really great scary movies. horror movies havent been that great as of late. these would be movies i would be watching on the edge of my seat. but when i'm in them, even kinda as a viewer not always a participant, they are scary beyond belief. i was saying maybe i should do some hypnosis and have it video-recorded and see what happens.
i was talking more about what happened last night and michael said "that's was one of the first things you said to me last night... well, after AAAAAAA!" what i said was, "these arent my dreams. they're not mine" you know how your dreams are kinda familiar? like they are "yours". even if you dont think you know the house or a person or whatever, it's still "your" dream. kinda like, you can tell a musician's song even if you havent heard that specific song before. the song carries the same personality of sorts from that musician. or for lack of a better example, you know when youre watching a tarantino film. well, i know these are not my dreams. they are not. and i've not really been a participant (yet) per se... i'm more like an outsider looking in that the scary person sees and comes to get. anywhom... i'm sure needless to say at this point (but i'ma sayin it) i havent been sleeping well. no i am not on meds of any kind right now. no i did not watch a horror movie marathon or eat spicy food before i went to sleep. i dont know what the deal is. if you have any thoughts, feel free to share them.
i'm going to end this post for now. i know i need to fill you in on my appointment with the immunologist from this morning... but i'm still playing phone tag with 2 dr offices and the medical leave center through my employer. let me just say, this is hell. i need more than luck right now, but if you gots any to spare, send it my way!
so, i will try to write more tonight. we'll see how i feel. my right side (shoulder, arm, hand) are killing me. my shoulder blade feels like it is going to erupt from my back.
thanks, again, for reading my rants. even if no one reads this, it feels good to just get it out.
14 July 2009
**also, just so you know, all of my posts on here wont be depressing... i've just been going through a lot lately. thanks for understanding.
in 12 hours i will be on my way to yet another new specialist for yet another series of tests. this dr is an immunologist. and go figure, my neurologist that ordered these tests is out of the country for 2 full weeks. this neuro is really getting on my nerves! his assistant JUST called to tell me this 2 days before my appointment that he would be out of the country. lovely, huh? i feel like i am being pushed aside and ignored. neuro's assistant said, "well, dr doesnt have you on my urgent list. so lets just assume no news is good news." FUCK NO! I AM IN PAIN! i have put in a request for a new / different neuro but i doubt the hospital will do anything about it. it's been 84 days since this painful onset. i am not at all afraid to speak my mind... especially when it comes to my health and well-being. i'm not afraid of doctors. i will say what needs to be said because i want to make sure i am being treated right. i know i can be straight-forward... but that is what i want from a doctor, as well. i'm straight-forward with you, you better be straight with me. if you cant figure me out and treat / fix me... admit it as soon as you have doubts so i can find someone that is capable and willing to take care of me. my only medical fear is the unknown.
it took me about 9 years, countless tests and doctors, 3 different state medical boards, petitions, and 3 exploratory surgeries, before i finally found a dr that believed my "female pains" were not "just cramps" and gave me a hysterectomy. fuck, it got to the point i was taking a $600 injection every 3 weeks that was a medication for men with prostate cancer! ($600 out of my pocket, after insurance, per injection!)
my current neuro told me that it would take 4 days to get my previous bloodwork back. i specifically asked him if i would need to make and appointment to get the results (i have a witness). dr said, no. told me to call him on the 4th day and we could discuss the next step over the phone. when i called on the 4th day, his assistant told me that she gave dr my results but he had to sign-off on them before i could get them. well, i called the office 29 times in 19 days before i finally broke down, drove an hour to the neuro office, asked for the office manager, and finally got my results. that is fucking ridiculous! in the meantime, i was under no treatment. i still am under no treatment! so while i am waiting for docs to get around to my case, i am still in pain and suffering. i am still not working. not driving unless absolutely necessary. no lifting. over-exertion... blah blah blah. yet i am STILL in pain. every single day. now, i am going to see this immunologist tomorrow for a 2 hour session of tests. it sounds like allergy testing, but the receptionist is kinda giving me the run-around about it. they said neuro wants immunologist to do an allergy workup since my blood levels have been on a steady incline. but they said "dont mix apples with oranges. this is no necessarily what is causing the pain and weakness in your limbs nor does it probably have anything to do with the nerve issues and pain in your head. neurologist just wants to run more tests before he starts treatment for the physical pains." really? that's great. take your time why dontchya. i know they are trying to sound all thorough and such... but i'm not falling for it. i think it's laziness. i feel like it is. it took me making a 2 hour round-trip drive and asking for the office manager after almost 30 unreturned phone calls before i got MY test results that i was told were in fact complete at the time of my first call. gaaa! oh.. and get this! they told me that if i have any "specific or acute pains that cant be tolerated, go directly to the er." really?! because i went to your er 3 times in 2 weeks and they keep saying they dont know what it is and i should prolly consult my family dr to see a specialist. FUCK! in the meantime, i am running out of medical leave at work, i'm sure my boss is running low on patience with my time off, and i am flat broke. i mean, i'm getting my medical pay (not on a regular basis) but it doesnt much matter when i'm racking up the medical bills. ya know? and to top it all off, i get these tests run tomorrow, july 15th... but i am told that neurologist isn't going to see me until august 13th!!! what the fuck?!?! *side note, august 13th is my birthday. and what a day it'll be, i'm sure.
okay, i'm going to end this rant for now. sorry if i got out of control here. i just get so flippin' frustrated with the healthcare system. i used to work for blue cross and blue shield of north carolina and i made sure i was pleasant and helpful in every way possible. i mean, think about it, if someone is calling a dr or health insurance place, it is most likely because they or someone close to them is not well. be compassionate. have a heart. be human. how would you want your family member(s) to be treated? how would YOU want to be treated? be nice to people. if you dont like working with people, then dont get in a profession where you need to be a people-person. simple as that. shit, i used to say that when i worked in a damn restaurant. "if you dont want to serve people, dont be a server." i would yell it in the back of the kitchen i managed, when i saw servers standing around.
for serious, this rant is to be continued. i will try to keep it tame. i'm just getting frustrated.
in the meantime...
thanks SOOO much for all of you that have sent well wishes, love, prayers, thoughts, chants, all of it my way!
i love you all oodles and bunches.
take care of you and yours.
austin is moving next monday...
july 20, 2009.
this photo was taken this past saturday 11th, when we had austin's going-away shindig at the skatepark. austin is my 14 year old nephew. he is the son of my twin sister, heather (my only sibling). he was born the week before we graduated high school. so he's been around about 5 years shy of half of my life. i care for him the way i could prolly never care for another kid. i know they say that there shouldnt be favorites, but there always are... no matter how much you try. i moved around a lot in the 14 years of his life... but i have always tried to be here for him when he needs me. and sometimes when he doesnt! my sister was young when she had austin and my family did as much as we could for her and him... so sometimes i think the rest of us get carried away and consider him a community-son rather than a grandson or nephew. i know at times we have all been overwhelmed. but no matter what, no one can say austin wasn't taken care of! actually, this kid is prolly spoiled rotten because of all of us! well, he's been with "us" for 14 years. his father moved to tennessee when austin was around 5 years old (if i remember correctly). his father didnt fight for custody at all and has only just come back into austin's life the past few years. now austin is 14 years old and after a lot of talking and struggle and love... my sister has decided to let austin move to tennessee to live with his father and see how it goes. i know that this is what austin wants. and franc (his father) wants it, too. i really hope that this move is the change that austin needs to help him get motivated and grow to be the person we all know he has inside of him. i was in high school when my parents divorced. i didnt have a childhood filled with turbulance. i had a "complete" family. i know austin is still longing for missed time with his father. i'm not going to delve too awful deep into that one. i know every boy needs his father. maybe austin needs his more than ever right now. i hope it works for all involved.
when i moved back here 6 years ago, i would take austin on weekends and we would have sooo much fun! whether it was just watching movies, going to dinner... didnt matter... we loved to hang out. then i got a decent job and was able to buy season tickets to the kalamazoo wings ice hockey. austin and i had front row centered behind the home bench. we would stay for the meet and greets after games. he was a member of the kids club and got to go down on the ice between 2nd and 3rd periods. he always got to choose dinner before the game. it was usually "mongo" (mongolian bbq). i got him addicted. the kid didnt always want to listen to my new-food suggestions... but he always ended up loving 'em! i miss those days. i'm going to miss sooo much once he's moved. we all are. i know that my sister wants to do what is best for austin... but i know this is tearing her up, as well. i know that austin's little sisters alexa (6) and aubriana (3) dont really understand what it's going to mean for austin to be gone like this ... until he is actually gone. and even though austin really wants to make this move... i think he's going to be more heart-broken and homesick than he wants to believe right now. i dont think he has fully realized how much my sister - his mom- means to him and his world. i'm sure that's the way many kids can be. as adults we can see those things, looking back. but what did we really know when we were that age?
austin is super talented! he has the heart of an artist. i'm happy about that. i have always had the heart of an artist... i was always told i got it from my uncle. that makes me happy. i've done everything i can to encourage austin's artistic ability. heck, the desk i put in his room when they moved in to my place is decked out with all the art supplies a kid could hope for! i bought him a drum set a few years back since he said he wanted to be a drummer. i think he is taking those with him and his father is going to let him take lessons. that really pleases me. i think music and art are such wonderful forms of expression... and a great way to channel so much that we sometimes just cant express any other way.
okay... the more i write the more teary-eyed i get... so i'm going to stop writing about this for a bit.
austin jordan alvarez... if you are reading this you better keep in touch with us! email, texts, phone calls, smoke signals... whatever! you better keep in touch! i love you oodles and bunches!
13 July 2009
10 July 2009
today is apparently going to be one of those days. not by choice... believe me, no one chooses this junk. and i wouldnt wish it on anyone, either. i've never been afraid or ashamed to talk about my depression. i think that is because i am constantly hoping for someone else to reach out and meet me in the middle. or maybe i just want to be understood. depression cannot be controlled. i get even more irritated when people say things to me like "just think happy thoughts" or "you need to try to be more positive" ~~ it doesnt work that way! i can be having the best day ever and then i get struck by a depression lightening bolt and i'm crying in the middle of a perfect day. that's just the way it is. i despise taking meds for any reason. i've been told by about 6 different doctors over the years that i have "situational depression". i think that is such a generic term. i think everyone could say that is their "problem"... change your situation and you wont be depressed! well, no shit! i have suffered this emotional yuckiness for as long as i can remember. i moved away from this miserable town about a month after i graduated high school in 1995. lived in 5 states since then. michigan, florida, indiana, arizona, and north carolina. i visited new york city march 2008 and fell in love with it! i have been doing just about all i can to get myself out there again. however, i am also contemplating los angeles. i havent been there yet, but i really want to visit before i decide between nyc and la. anywhom... i have been back in this town i grew up in for over 6 years now. 6 years ago i thought i would only be here for a quick stop, passing through to help with some family stuff, then moving on for my own reasons. 6 years later i am still here. i feel like i am stagnating. i adore and love my family and the few friends i have here so very very much. they know that. but they also want what is best for me. and i want what is best for them. i have tried to get a few of them to possibly move with me... but to no avail. and that is fine. everyone has a different happiness. i know they say "happiness is not a destination, it's a journey." i somewhat agree with that. i am trying to enjoy what i can... but there is just nothing here that makes me happy happy. ya know? everyone i know has something or someone that makes them happy and keeps them here. i dont feel like i have that connection. i have the love of my family and i know that will never fade... no matter where i live. i have the friendships of a few select people that i will always cherish and feel i never deserve(d).
i have been hurt and used and taken advantage of in my life of more than i talk about. i believe that is why i keep such a small circle. i know that i am a giver. i know that i am a good person. i am not trying to sound arrogant. i am just trying to get these thoughts and feelings out to be shared. i will do all i can to help humans and animals alike. if you are a true friend of mine, no doubt you have seen or felt my giving nature first hand. even strangers have been on the receiving end of my generosities. i do animal rescue and have been a foster home to many dogs and cats until i found forever-homes for them. i send individually hand-written christmas cards by the dozens to homeless shelter residents. that's just the kind of stuff i like to do. i do have a couple of friends that are wonderfully giving and helpful to me that i could never repay. however (without going into detail) i have had more people hurt me, literally without explanation, and i just dont understand that.
i do understand that one of my depression issues stems from not only the emotional roller coaster listed above, but also from the on-going search to find out what is wrong with me physically. the doctors have been running so many tests and exams and transferred me from one specialist to the other... and still, no answers. no diagnosis. as well as no treatments. so i am still in pain, but nothing is currently being done about it. this is draining... physically and emotionally.
this is getting much deeper than i originally planned on writing today. it's now midnight30. i started writing this about noon. i've been back and forth and edited out quite a bit. maybe i'll re-enter those thoughts some other time.
for today, basically and overall, i just want(ed) someone to notice when i am having a bad day and try to make it easier for me... or easier on me. not necessarily go out of their way... but just be more sensitive and aware... and be tender. i am a huge talker, but i dont like to talk much when i'm in the midst of a black day. i dont know about most of you, but i dont like to make decisions when i am down. i dont like being asked questions or advice. i want someone to take care of me now and again. but not be pushy about it. i want to be left alone -- but i want someone waiting in the wings if i do need something. so many times i have been the person to drop off a sweet card or flowers out of the blue... soup when i hear a friend is sick... a small gift i saw while shopping that made me think of you... having a meal ready when someone gets home or wakes up since i know they had a long day... so many little things i feel dont mean as much if you have to ask for them. ya know? now, dont get me wrong -- i know i have a reputation for disliking unannounced house guests. so i understand that some people might be hesitant. i think it's just that, if i am doing any of the above, i do it, say a few nice words and leave. i dont linger and make small talk. i let the person be, but just want them to know someone is thinking about them.
i never used to be this way about unexpected house guests. i think it gets worse the longer i am here. i dont want to be here ( in this town ). i dont want to be seen here or known here. i want out so badly. but with all my medical situations right now, it's impossible for me to leave. i have a decent paying job with medical benefits that i need more than ever right now. so leaving is not an immediate option. but believe me, it's in the works.
i just want to be happy. i think we all do. and since i cant make myself happy right now... i hope i can make someone else happy. i know i havent been very social with my local community of friends and family. i have prolly been more social with my online friends and family due to the fact that i can sorta regulate that better. ( i hate the way that sounds. )
anywhom... i'm going to end this tangent, for now, and hope tomorrow is a better day. although i have my doubts. tomorrow is austin's going away party. austin is my 14 year old nephew. i love him with my entire being. his dad has been gone since he was about 5. my sister has tried the best she could to raise him on her own -- with the help of our wonderful family. he's more like a community son to all of us rather than a grandson or nephew. but my sister has decided to let him move to tennessee to live with his dad. maybe this will be better for him. as hard as we have tried with him, and as much as i would like for our efforts and love to be enough... maybe he'll bloom with his father. i really hope he doesnt get hurt. he hasnt lived with his dad -- so i'm hoping he's not disappointed after all these years fantasizing what it would be like. my heart is breaking over this on top of everything else. but, we all have different needs and wants. austin wants to live with his dad right now. i want to live in new york. why should i try to keep him from happiness just because of his age or because i dont want to lose him? i shouldnt. and i do hope everyone is happy and loved in the end.
i will end this with a few quotes that feel like today...
This day's got to get better. ~Chris Caris
There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. ~Robert Louis Stevenson
Every heart has its secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad. ~Longfellow
Those have most power to hurt us, that we love. ~Francis Beaumont
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. ~Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry. ~John Webster
Nobody heard him, the dead man, but still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought and not waving but drowning. ~Stevie Smith
08 July 2009
i'm working on another post... but i'm also working on cookin' dinner and relaxing tonight! if you have any suggestions or topics you would like me to write about, please feel free to send me a note. hope you have a glorious wednesday night.
07 July 2009
hey there punks and kittens~~
here we are ~ at my first post. i have in my mind how i would like this page to evolve. i'm hoping it will all play out on-screen as it does in my head and my heart. sometimes ~many times~ words cannot be used for certain emotions, feelings, expressions and the like. what i am going to share on this page is 100% me. uncensored. i have been keeping "journals" for many many years. i have decided to use this site as an open-journal of sorts. some past, some present.
i journal 3 different ways. all depends on my mood at the time and which form best expresses what i am trying to convey. i started, as i'm sure many people do, written journals. sometimes while searching for words, i would sketch on my journal pages. ( many know that i have been drawing since i could hold a crayon! ) after a while, i would sketch more and just jot down thoughts around the sketches. at some point during all of that i started cutting things out of magazines. i had bags and files of all these things i had clipped. i bought a few photo albums. the 3-ring binder kind with the plasticy peel-back covers. i started collaging my cut-outs into a clipping journal. i like having these different formats to express myself. sometimes, i cant conjure the words i want so i end up sketching. other times i cant draw just what i am looking for, but i can maybe find it in a book or magazine. i would really love to get back into painting. but i dont have the means to accommidate that love, right now.
i have decided to share this with all of you for somewhat selfish reasons. i feel like i am not truly understood. who is, right? well, there are many people in my life that i feel only know parts of me that they want to know and / or believe. for some people in my life, i have felt it necessary to ~let's say "sugar-coat"~ myself for them. i dont like that. not at all. many times i feel like i'm a misleading movie trailer. only showing the attractive parts to reel you in, then once you see the full movie you're like "that's not at all what i expected!" that can be good and bad. i want to leave some stuff to mystery and the getting-to-know-you part of my relationships... but i also want to step out into the sunlight for so many people that dont see the real me... and from so many people that i feel push me to the dark corner. why should i hide for fear of making you uncomfortable? that only makes me uncomfortable!
i want to be able to be myself and be loved for who i am. dont we all?! if you dont like what you see, that's your choice. i cant control that. and i'm not trying to. i've said this before... i think everyone should be their true self to everyone you meet. otherwise, you get deeper into a relationship and think, "yeah, i'm comfortable, i can be me now." and once you start showing your true colors later, the other person / people are wondering who the hell you are now and what happened to the person they thought they knew? no one wins.
most of my art is dated. and "you're so vain" has played around in my head while deciding what to post. please don't read anything in to what might or might not pertain to specific people. at times, memories will resurface years later bringing a flood of junk and / or beauty that i need to get out of my head and heart and onto the page. so just because something has a specific date, doesn't mean it pertains to a person or people from that day in my life.
i'll leave you this this first look at one of my collages. please do not hesitate to comment... or send me an email if you have something more private you dont want posted on the site.