For those of you fortunate enough to have Love in your life...don't take it for granted. Love with all you have in each day is the last. Always leave your partner with loving words and a kiss...and greet each other the same way. Cuddle as you fall to sleep...even if you stray in the night. Set your alarm 5 minutes early so that you can cozy up before starting your day. Sit on the same side of the booth in restaurants. Hide love notes for the other to find. Smile at each other. Hold Hands. Hug. Kiss. Touch...even if it's just hands passing in the hall or your foot to his foot in the middle of the night as you reposition in your sleep. It's the little things that mean the most. Whisper goodnight, sweet dreams and kiss him even if he's already sleeping. For those of you fortunate enough to have Love in your life...don't take it for granted. ~Angela Pearl

24 October 2010

new website

please check out my new site

this blog didnt work out the way i wanted it to.
so i am making a fresh start on the new page.

i am really looking forward to it!
be well.

20 September 2010

Movinig to NYC! My "Apartment Wanted" ad...

I am relocating from Michigan to NYC!

I will be moving early to mid-November 2010.

I am looking for safe, clean, pet-friendly housing from a studio to multi-room apartment / loft / house / condo / town house for approx $1,000 or less PER MONTH (per person) (depending on utilities that may or may not be included)

Brooklyn, Greenpoint, Williamsburg, Astoria, Lower East Side, Greenwich Village, East Village...

I am a 34 year old woman, straight, single and very independent.

I will be the only tenant (with my dogs).

Roommates - Could be an option, based on compatibility.

I don’t care about your Race, Sexual Preferences, Gender, etc... etc...

Just don’t be a jerk.

Please be at least 21 years old.

I am protective of my dogs so a roommate would have to be Animal-Friendly.

I have no children, but I do have my two dogters... they are "my kids". They are medium size, spayed, adult dogs (about 40 pounds). Fully house-broken and well behaved. I would be willing to discuss a pet deposit, if that would make you feel at ease.

I have all my own furniture. (I do have a storage unit, if necessary)

If you have any additional information you would like, I’d be more than willing to answer your questions. Just let me know! If you have a place for rent, I would love it if you could send me detailed information, including photos, about your rental property... that would be much appreciated! I have friends in the NYC area and I will be visiting to get things in order before my move in November 2010.

OR if you have/know a good landlord, know someone looking for a sublet or new rental, I would gladly take any information you could send my way!

Thanks so much for you consideration!

Be Well.


14 September 2010

why angela fly solo (for now)

hey there punks and kittens~

i woke up to 3 more emails asking why do i go solo to comedy shows, music, movies... basically everything i do. well, because i cant let being single and alone keep me from doing what makes me happy! for so long i have suffered with depression and loneliness... and eventually it either kills who you are or you have to try to climb out. i am trying to climb out. i have tried dragging friends and family along with me to events that make me happy... but they are not always (actually, almost never) as enthusiastic about it as i was, or am. and while i enjoy spending time with my them, it just wasnt the experience either of us hoped it would be. they dont enjoy the entertainment i do, and/or they want to leave right after the show. i like to hang out and mingle and talk with the performers (when possible) and just plain be social. there are so many celebs that dont act like celebs. they just want to be "regular" people and they genuinely like to hang out, talk, and interact with their fans. and when you get a bunch of fans in the same room, even if the fans have never met, you are still like extended family. you are all there for the same reason, you have something in common... the love for the art you are about to experience. while introducing your friends and family to new stuff you like that they may not have been exposed to otherwise can be fun, it can also be somewhat of a downer if 20 minutes in you can tell they arent enjoying what you are head over heels about... then do you leave for them or do they stay for you? real bummer. so, i just decided to got it alone. i want to enjoy all that i can! i find it interesting that a few of the emails i have received in the recent past regarding my solo flights are from some of the same people that hated hearing all my depression spew. i would bitch and complain and be depressed all the time, cocoon myself in my house, not answer my door or phone... and so many people kept telling me "just get out of the house" ... "if you would just get out and do something with yourself you would feel better" ... and a hundred other comments like those. so now, i have started to actually live my life, and i am getting (what feels like) mild criticism because i am doing it all by myself. dont get me wrong, i have had a handful of vocal solo-supporters... but isnt always the bad apple that ruins the pie? (not sure why i said that, i dont even like apple pie!) anywhom... i do have a more extensive update i have been working on since i havent posted in ages and i keep getting emails. i appreciate all the love and support i do get! i just felt like this should be addressed right now.

i would like to add that it is not that i enjoy being single, i would LOVE to have someone i love that loves me and enjoy all these things together... but since i am single, i am trying to make the most of it!

i hope you all have a magnificent tuesday!

much love.

be well.


08 September 2010

update... coming soon!

working on a new post.

sorry it has been a while.

lots going on.

talk soon!

03 August 2010

KaiYin - Surgery Consultation

KaiYin has an appointment today in Fort Wayne, Indiana for a surgical consultation. If they decide on surgery, this will be her 7th. After recovery, she will have a couple months of doggie chemo/radiation (easier than the human stuff) and be cancer-free for about 5-6 years. She is 10 and a half now. I just want to make her life as pain-free as possible. *so far* she doesnt even know she is "sick". I wanna keep her that way! Please keep KaiYin in your puppy prayers! *pooches smooches* to you!

02 August 2010

UPDATE: NYC Itinerary & still need a crash pad!

Hey there Guys and Dolls~

Just wanted to post my itinerary and put out the word that I am *still* in need of a place or places to crash while I am in NYC for my birthday weekend! I only need a place to sleep, shower and such. I will *NOT* bring anyone back to your place! And please do *not* feel obligated to spend time with me. I understand that you all have real-life going on, and I will be in town for a min-vacation-birthday trip. I am honest, respectful and clean. If you or someone you know (and trust!) is willing and able to help me out, I would greatly appreciate it! Please email me if you have any questions and/or would like my phone number.

I hope to soak up all the live music and stand-up comedy I can while I am there! I will also be doing some mild neighborhood scouting since I will be moving to NYC (Brooklyn) around November this year! If you have any suggestions, advice, ideas... please do not hesitate to tell me!

I will be arriving in NYC Thursday August 12th and leaving Monday August 16th.
I will take a cab from the airport to "your place"... so don't feel obligated to pick me up!

Much Love.
Be Well.

To NYC: Thursday, August 12, 2010

Delta Air Lines 4322
Depart: 5:50am South Bend, IN South Bend Regional (SBN)
Arrive: 6:55am Detroit, MI Detroit Wayne County (DTW)

Change planes. Time between flights: 0hr 35min

Delta Air Lines 1848
Depart: 7:30am Detroit, MI Detroit Wayne County (DTW)
Arrive: 9:15am New York, NY New York La Guardia (LGA)

Total duration: 3hr 25min | Total miles: 658 miles

From NYC: Monday, August 16, 2010

Delta Air Lines 1420
Depart: 5:30pm New York, NY New York La Guardia (LGA)
Arrive: 7:45pm Cincinnati, OH Cincinnati Cinci./Nrthrn Kentucky (CVG)

Change planes. Time between flights: 0hr 45min

Delta Air Lines 4294
Depart: 8:30pm Cincinnati, OH Cincinnati Cinci./Nrthrn Kentucky (CVG)
Arrive: 9:35pm South Bend, IN South Bend Regional (SBN)

Total duration: 4hr 5min | Total miles: 788 miles

27 July 2010

i won't back down

quick note... nyc birthday...

just a quick note while i have sis's laptop.

i'm aiming for a long weekend in nyc for my birthday! i know most of you are thinking, "what the heck?! she's broke! how is she pulling off a trip to nyc?" well, i got a really good deal on airfare and i'm hoping to crash with a friend/friends, if at all possible, so i won't need to pay for a hotel.

i'm still trying to get moved to nyc this fall. but i just cant wait! i'm going crazy here and i need to get outta this town for a bit. while in nyc, i'm gonna be scouting apartments and such. i've had a decent flow of prospective buyers looking at my house recently. i'm hoping something goes through with the banks and i can get out of this house sooner rather than later. as it stands, i'm looking at november 6th to be out of the house. unless something with a buyer comes through before then. wish me luck! either way, i'm going to be sooo relieved to be out of here and *finally* in nyc! this move has been over 2 years in the making! hoping! dreaming! wishing! praying! it can't happen soon enough for me!

i'm still aiming to get a job with the aspca once i get to nyc and gain my residency. you have to be a new york resident to be employed with the aspca. to get my foot in the door, a friend of mine is willing to hook me up at one of his restaurants just so i have a job right away when i get there. granted, i didnt want to go back to serving... but i know it will only be for a short time until i get the job at the animal hospital. and i dont want to hear, "what if you dont get the animal hospital job?" because i will. i have no doubt. this is what i want to do and what i have been trying to accomplish for years now. it will happen. with all the bad that has been in my life, i really feel i am due for some good!

so, i will be in nyc thursday august 12 - monday august 16. if you or someone you know is in the nyc area and has a place i could crash, please let me know. i wont be there much. just need a place to sleep, shower, and such.

also, i am looking to sell my jeep. i will be sad to part with the baby beast, but it is necessary. i'll post more info later. if you or someone you know is interested in a 1994 jeep grand cherokee laredo that needs a bit of work... let me know.

i hope all is well with you and yours.
much love.
be well.

20 July 2010

angela update

whew! it has been a while since my last post! my apologies.
i still dont have home interwebbies hooked back up just yet. it is a luxury i just cant afford right now. today i have my sister's laptop for a few hours. for frequent and real-time updates, you can follow me on facebook and/or twitter.

so, i got a part-time job at jimi jo's ice cream shoppe. i only work a couple days a week. nothing major. but it helps with my utility bills. and i think it is also helping with physical therapy for my arms/wrists/hands. i really want to start playing my guitar. my friend ryan came over and showed me how to change the strings and such. i've just had a lot of randomness going on and havent been able to fully focus on guitar just yet.

what else?

im still trying to get this house sold. it is the only thing keeping me from moving to nyc at this point. foreclosure is november 6th. if i can sell it before then, that would be a huge relief... because if it doesnt sell and it goes into foreclosure, i'll have to file bankruptcy, and that will suck since my only debt is this damn house and some medical bills. i am 33 years old and have never had a credit card. i have tried to keep my credit as clean as i can. had a few people look at the house yesterday. and someone came by this morning (unscheduled) just looking around outside. i think they didnt know that someone is living here.

baby beast (jeep) is still in a coma. she needs a replaced fuel tank/pump/filter/gauge. but i dont have the money right now, so she is just sitting at ma and pa's house. i feel terrible that she is taking up space in their yard. but my friend that was towing her said he couldnt make the cut/turn with his flatbed to get her in my driveway. i really hate to give her up. i love that jeep. but at this point, with last year's accident (the deer that ran out in front of me) she was considered totaled and has a salvage title. and with all the money i have put into fixing her, i coulda bought something else. however... with all the work that has been done, she shouldnt have much else that can go wrong (knock on wood) so it would be silly of me to fix her all up and sell her for less. ya know? any suggestions are welcome! she is a 1994 jeep grand cherokee laredo.

KaiYin needs another surgery. she had a lump that showed up last year and i havent had the money to get it removed. it is the same place as all the other lumps that she has had removed (left hind quarter/ribcage area). they say that mast cell tumors usually recur in the same area. well, like i said, i havent had the money for her surgery ($2500) then when she heals from surgery they can do chemo/radiation ($3000) and then they said she should be fine for another 5-6 years. which, i hate to say, is probably all she has left. she is 10 years and 6 months now. but if i can make the last years of her life as happy and painless as possible, i will. you know i will. --side note-- chemo/radiation for dogs is not the same as humans. dogs do not get sick or lose hair. she would go in once a week for 4 weeks for pill/injections. then she would go in every other week for 12 weeks. then she should be done! the cancer should be all gone and not recur!

i am going this afternoon to talk to a financial adviser about the stocks i had with my previous employer. we didnt have "normal" 401k... we had stocks. so im gonna find out about diversifying and possibly taking money out from what i have in there for KaiYin's surgery. i was told that as long as i keep the money in stocks, the foreclosure bank cant touch it because it is considered retirement. im not sure if they will really care about $2500, but i cant sit by and watch my KaiYin get sick and possibly die. if they want to come after me for that, let them. i have the money there in stocks, and i'm not going to let some stupid fucking money-grubbers keep my KaiYin from getting the treatment she needs. if they may eventually foreclose on the house and come after me for $73,000... well, whats another $2,500... right?! i did all i could to make arrangements to save the house... and my real estate guy and i have done all we can to sell the house... but the bank has turned down every offer we have had from buyers. i dont know what they are up to, or why, but im tired of not having some kind of control in my life. the only reason im still here, and not in nyc yet, is because they said if i move before the house sells or forecloses, that it would be considered abandonment and they could sue me for the full amount of the house. so i am sitting here, in this empty house, all my stuff packed and in storage and ready to go to nyc!

blah blah blah... i could rant about this for hours! i wont bore you all with that.

so, i hope all is well with you and yours.
please keep me updated on yourselves as well!
much love.
be well.

04 June 2010

quick note from angela...

hey there punks and kittens~~

just wanted to let you know that my phone is scheduled to be temporarily disconnected today. i just cant afford it. so, i officially have no phone, internet, teevee --- or job! if you happen to know anyone hiring part time, full time, summer help, whatever, please let me know! greatly appreciate it! i will try to get to the library to check my messages... but my jeep is still broke down, so i'm walking or hitching rides (which are hard to come by).

fyi: a friend is letting me have a garage sale at their place during the lake templene lake-wide sales next week. i'll be in hickory hills subdivision (where i grew up!) at the house that sells the hand-made cambodian egg rolls every year!
saturday june 12 8a - whenever!

much love.
be well.

19 May 2010

angela update #328,497

monday i went to see a financial adviser about the stocks that i have sitting with my recently-separated employer. i was hoping to use that money to pay back some personal debts i've acquired while on unpaid medical leave, and for my move to nyc. however, i also wanted to make sure all the taxes were taken care of on that money (so i wouldnt get hit later), and i wanted to find out if the bank had authorization/access to garnish any of it due to my foreclosure. i found out that, yes, the taxes can be taken care of up front if i take a cash distribution. adviser also explained to me some investment options if i dont want to take a full cash distribution (which i dont). most of my questions about the foreclosure she wasnt sure about. but i had my appointment scheduled with the lawyer for tuesday, so i would just ask him.

tuesday, yesterday, i went to see the bankruptcy lawyer. i was there for over an hour. he was a very nice gentleman and explained everything very well. i was wanting to know why i have been suggested to file bankruptcy by so many people. i didnt know why, if i give the house back to the bank, why would i still owe them and have to file bankruptcy? back in high school when i worked for a car repo place i dont remember it being that way. we would show up on behalf of the bank and ask for the money or the vehicle. not both. anywhom. the lawyer said that it would be the bank's decision if i still owed them for the mortgage even after they would take the house. courts and lawyers have all been telling me that i have 6 months in the house - payment free - before they can legally evict me. so, until november 6, 2010. they all say that i should stay in the house as long as possible. i dont want to be here at all. while this isnt the way i had hoped to be out of this house, i keep trying to make something, anything, work. my realtor is still trying to get this house sold. he is still bringing in walk-throughs and hounding my bank guy to allow a short sale. the bank is just not being cooperative at all. i understand that i am not the only person that is going through foreclosure right now. i just dont understand why banks have to make it so difficult to redeem yourself. well, actually, i do know - money. plain and simple.

back to what i was saying. lawyer said that if i can get the house sold, that is the most ideal solution. i agree. however, if i dont get the house sold, and i turn it over to the bank, it is their decision if they want to come after me for the remaining mortgage. if they do, then since i obviously dont have $73,000 in my pocket, chapter 7 bankruptcy would be my best option. this all being discussed on the premise that i dont have a job right now. but i cant live this way. it was also explained to me that if i go out and get a better-than-decent paying job right now, if the time comes to file bankruptcy and i make more than is deemed low-income on their sliding scale then i would not be "allowed" to file chapter 7, i would have to file chapter 13. i'm told that a chapter 7 wipes your slate clean and a chapter 13 requires you to work with a budget and payment arrangements with your creditors.

oh yeah... and the thing with my stocks. while my stocks sit and i dont touch them they are considered retirement so the banks cant take anything. if i cash anything and the banks find out about them then they could be garnished. twisty twist - if i cash them out and repay my family for money i have borrowed, that is considered "preferred treatment". if i file bankruptcy within 1 year of repaying any family IOUs, then each family member will be sued for the money that i repaid to them. i am told that this is very common and not to take it lightly. that you and your family are asked under oath and bank records and everything are investigated. this is fucking ridiculous to me! completely ridiculous! seems like no matter how hard i try to make even the little things work, something spins out of control to ruin it.

so, i need this house to sell asap. then i settle up with the bank (even if it means i have to file bankruptcy for the balance of what the house doesnt sell for)... then take off to nyc.

or, as it stands now, i need to get a job that is just enough to pay for my utilities and such, until the house sells or my 6 months is up (whichever comes first). then, if it is determined that i need to file bankruptcy, i get all that taken care of as quickly as possible... then i'm off to nyc!

there are probably other tiny details in there that i am forgetting right now. feel free to ask me whatever you want to know. i was thinking about maybe taking on a housemate to help pay for things, but the lawyer said there are some technicalities with that as well. another option that the lawyer kinda shot down was if i just moved to nyc now, find someone to take care of lawn care, realtor keeps trying to sell the house, and i come back for either sale or foreclosure finalization. but lawyer said that if the bank wanted, they could deem that as "abandonment" and then i would look like i am trying to trick the system. i am not trying to trick the system. i told him that it is quite the opposite. i am asking about all of these scenarios because i *dont* want to get in trouble. i want to know what is and is not legal. for instance, i had no friggen clue that my family could be sued because i paid them back a personal loan. that is outrageous! who comes up with this shit?! so yeah, once i heard that, i started asking all kinds of "what if" questions.

like i said, the lawyer and i talked for over an hour. i wont detail everything here. but if you have questions, i'll certainly answer them if i can.

i know that a bunch of people think i am a negative thinker. that i am always a downer. if you are one of those people, i wish you knew me better. i am not a negative thinker. i am realistic. i know how hard i try and have tried. because i allow myself time to cry and feel and be depressed, doesnt mean i am a negative thinker. i realize that my problems are not as great as some other peoples' problems. but that doesnt, cant, discount how i feel or what i am going through. my stress and struggle and feelings are legitimate. some people would just give up on their dream and say, "fine, guess i'm never getting out of this town, i'll just stay here and settle." not me! i want to be in nyc. i want to work for the aspca and help save all the animals i can. i want to know that i didnt give up when so many people and situations tried to hold me back. i want to know that i did not compromise who i am.

whew. yeah, so. i suppose that is all for now.

i miss you all!
love you oodles and bunches!
be well.

14 May 2010

angela update...

hello my darlings.
i know it has been a while since my last update. there has just been sooo much going on, and without home interwebbies, full updates have been a bother to accomplish. however, i would like to say thanks to all of you that follow my facebook ( and twitter ( for my mini-updates. especially thanks for all of your care, concern, and support! i love you all so very much!

i'm not sure how far back my last update was.

many of you know that i have been on medical leave for a year and the past 7 months of it has been UNpaid. blah blah blah. you know all that. well, as of sunday april 25th i was "separated" from the company i worked for (for 7 years!). this does not make me happy. i really feel like they kept wasting my time with paperwork and jumping through hoops until my medical leave time ran out. anywhom. so, i am now unemployed. sort of. my "employer" still has not updated my (un)employed status. therefore i am not able to take money out of my stocks (which i desperately need) and i am not eligible to file for unemployment. if they do not list me as inactive soon, then my grace period to file for unemployment will expire and i wont get any assistance. this is really pissing me off. while i have never been on unemployment and i never want to be, right now i dont have a choice, and they are screwing me over. again.

thursday may 6th was the day my house foreclosure started. ugh. i am not at all happy about this. i realize that i have done everything i could/can to save it, but i am still upset about this. i am $4,100 behind in house payments. i have the money in my stocks, but like i said, i cant get access to them right now. so i went to the foreclosure auction. no one showed up to buy it. i didnt figure anyone would. i still owe $73,000 on the house. most people buy the $10,000 houses and fix em up and sell em. that is not the case with mine. so... i am told the house will go back to the bank and that i will have 6 months to live there, payment free, before they can legally kick me out. while i dont want to be here until november, i am glad to know i have the time if i need it. i asked the lady at the courthouse about saving the house. i asked if i come up with the $4100 who do i call to pay it and keep the house? she said under NO circumstance should i give them ANY money. she said that to save the house at this point i would need the full $73,000!!! what the huh?! she said if i give them $4000 they will just stick it in their pocket and say, "okay, now you owe us $69,000 more". she said that i should talk with a bankruptcy lawyer. i have an appointment with him this coming tuesday. i dont understand why, if the bank takes the house, why do i still have to pay for the house? isnt that like a repo? give them the money OR the house? makes no sense to me. i'll get some answers next week, i suppose.

as i was getting out of the courthouse, i got a call from my real estate guy. he said there was an offer on the house. yay! so i was hoping if the offer was good enough, the bank would take the offer as a short sale and hopefully write-off the balance and i would be free and clear of the house! i was sooo hoping that would work. my real estate guy and i have been hounding my bank guy because he has been super beyond lazy with my house stuff. this never should have went to foreclosure. yet another piece of my life that is in ruins because of some incompetent ass that cant or wont do his job.

thursday evening my doorbell rang. no one rings my doorbell. 1) they know the dogs go crazy 2) most people know i dont like unannounced house guests, so they call in advance and i watch for them so the dogs dont go crazy at the doorbell! so... my doorbell rang. it was mr curnow. he lives kinda across the road from me. he has been a wonderful friend and neighbor. he brought me flowers! he said that he and his wife knew i probably had a rough day at the courthouse and would i like to go to dairy queen for an ice cream? of course! we sat there about 2 hours and talked and talked! it was a nice ending to a miserable day.

well, i got a note from my real estate guy that said this... “The buyer failed to qualify and as an added bonus, we were informed that she stole the earnest deposit and is now in trouble with her probation officer.....Lovely. “

yeah, "lovely" is right! for serious kids, i couldnt make this shit up if i tried!

thursday night the wilsons came to get stella for an overnight stay. they wanted to see how she would get along with their other lab and 2 cats. apparently they got along wonderfully because they asked to keep her the weekend to see how she would do with the grandkids.

friday morning i took my dad to the airport. i got back in town and really had stuff to accomplish. but i was sick and in miserable pain and just crashed. i managed to make myself presentable enough to go to my sis's first show for her new job. she is now a lia sophia jewelry sales person. i dont know what her title is to be honest. anywhom. i made it to her first show. then i went home and crashed again.

saturday i was absolutely in agony, but had to go get dogfood. doesnt sound like a big deal, but since KaiYin is on a special diet, i have to drive an hour to get the food. and it was storming. fabulous. so i did that. came home and crashed again.

ma called me about 9p and said that she really wanted to make it to virginia to see my aunt while she is still here. she has been extremely ill with cancer and pneumonia and was sent home saturday with hospice. ma and i scrambled to figure it all out... and ended up leaving about 130a driving from michigan to virginia. we got there sunday just after noon. we hadnt seen aunt nancy in about 18 years but she remembered us! while her body is giving out, her smile and heart and spirit have been hanging on! along with her wonderful sense of humor! she is absolutely precious. ma and i spent sunday and monday there. only left one time to get them some groceries. words cant explain how happy my heart was to be able to see everyone after all these years. technically they are my "great" aunts and uncles and 2nd cousins... but we never differentiated. we are family. that is all that mattered. and i am happy to have been there for them, even if it was only 2 days.

tuesday morning ma and i left to come back to michigan. we got back tuesday evening. literally as we were walking in the door at ma's house, my (step)dad was on the phone finding out that grandpa was being taken by ambulance to bronson hospital but they didnt know why. found out later that they thought he had a heart attack. (-fyi: we all call my stepdad's grandparents our grandparents) so, grandpa gets to the hospital and they run tests. they say yes he did have a heart attack and they ran more tests to decide about stints. well, the scans came back that yes he needs stints, but they would not be able to give him the necessary stint surgery because they found he has pancreatic cancer. now... grandpa has been going to the va hospital over the last few months and they kept telling him it was nothing, he is fine. now that he is at a "real" hospital, we are told he has pancreatic cancer and it has been there for a while. this is ridiculous! i dont understand how people can do this to each other! how can they know something like that and not tell him?! we are all human! we should be looking out for each other. helping each other as much as we can. i just dont understand. so, grandpa is 88 and grandma is 91. she has been staying at the hospital with him, and my ma and g'ma's daughters have been taking her back and forth home when needed. we still dont know anything more right now.

tuesday night was full of some very emotional family stuff that i wont be sharing online. all i can say is i cried myself to sleep with a banged up heart.

wednesday i dragged myself out of bed to get some groceries. as i pulled in at the grocery store, i smelled something funny, but thought it might be the van in front of me. when i parked and got out of the jeep the smell was crazy strong and i thought it was antifreeze so i popped the hood. didnt need to. once i walked around to the front of the beast i could see radiator fluid just flooding out. ugh. really?! so i called my handy-dandy maintenance guy, joe.
me: hey there. are you buys?
joe: sound like i'm about to be!
he came over and looked at it. said the radiator blew up and there was no way i could even drive it back to my house. lucky for me, he just got a flatbed trailer, so he said he would come back over and pick up the jeep and take it to his shop. he took me back to my place to get my father's car (i have his car since i dropped him off at the airport) then i went back to get groceries. oh joy.

KaiYin and i were up all night, sick and throwing up. i cant say it was anything we both ate, since i didnt eat dogfood and she didnt eat people food... but who knows. thunderstorms didnt help. Loki freaks freaks out so that was an added obsticle trying to sleep around/through/with.

thursday... yesterday... more family emotional stuff.

mr wilson called and said that they want to keep stella! they said that i can come visit her anytime i want! sounds like she is doing really well... i'm super happy for her!

friday... today... errands and laundry. made some appointments for next week with lawyers and financial advisors. fingers crossed.
joe called and said he can replace the radiator all parts and labor = $200. i dont have that. so he's gonna let me park the baby beast at his place until i can come up with the money.
now i am going to post this, then go over to ma's and watch a movie with her. not sure what movie she got.
after that, i have to drive (1 hr 1 way) to fort wayne airport to pick up my father getting back from florida/virginia. then i'm gonna get back and crash with my dogters!

thanks to all of you for your kindness, love, support, care, concerns... everything!
i love you all oodles and bunches!
much love.
be well.

no time to proof-read... gotta run!

16 April 2010

medical leave update...

so... no medical leave letter in the mail this morning. i called the medical leave appeal guy. guess i mis-remembered the date on the letter. "determintaion made on or before april 19" (not the 16) HOWEVER he said that it is not likely they will have a decision by monday, so he said monday the 19th they will issue me a notification letter that they will be taking an additional 45 days! i am waiting on a callback from employer about how this works since another 45 days puts me past my "seperation/termination" date of april 25. blargh. now i am off to therapy. prolly my last one since i am broke and my insurance is being canceled retro to february 1st. yippee.

09 April 2010

i need some help...

i suppose pretty much everyone knows by now that i am on medical leave. i have been on medical leave since april 2009. yeah, so, this month marks 1 year. however... while my application for extended medical leave has been in review, since september 2009, i have been on unpaid leave. yeah. unpaid leave for the last 7 months. i have applied over and over for state assistance, but because i am "technically" employed, they keep telling me i do not qualify for financial assistance. also, because i am employed, i do not qualify for unemployment or disability... even though i have not been getting paid. i was able to get food assistance thru the state. i get $50 a week. that was a bit of a relief to finally get that. but i have been denied for every other state program i have applied for.

i suppose i should get right to the point. i need some help with money. i hate asking for help, but i dont know what else to do. i have been selling stuff out of my storage unit for the last few months, but i really dont have much else to sell. my house is on the verge of foreclosure, but i am trying to get approved to sell it as a short sale before the foreclosure goes through. disconnected home internet since it is basically a luxury. i havent had teevee service for about 5 years. i got (another) extension on my phone bill - it is now due the 24th. my big scary thing is my health insurance. since i am on unpaid leave, i am responsible for my health insurance. kinda like cobra, but it is not cobra. anywhom. if i dont make the payments, they will retroactively decline my medical bills and i will be responsible for the full cost of those bills. i have only been able to make 2 of the 4 payments for my insurance. right now i owe $533.66 immediately and another $533.66 by the end of april. i have been trying to get the money together, but i only have a little over $100 right now. aside from asking for help from family and friends, i just dont know what else to do.

my employer's medical leave board said they would have a decision "on or before april 16, 2010". here is the thing... if they approve my extended medical leave retroactive to september 2009, i would get all that back-pay. yay! however, there is no way they will have the money issued to me in the next couple of weeks by the time i need it. on the other hand, if they deny me, then i will be retroactively separated/terminated/fired as of september 2009. the fact that they have taken 7 months to make a decision, and they are now down to the last 7 days before i am technically "separated" from the company, well, that doesnt give me positive vibes that this will work out in my favor. but, another way to look at this is that if i am denied and they terminate me, i will be able to get some of my stock money that has been frozen since i was put on unpaid leave. but that will take 30-60 days. so, either way i should get money coming to me... but either way, it wont make it here in time for me to save myself from health insurance cancelations, utility disconnections, and whatnot by the end of april.

so, currently i need to come up with $1,900 by the end of the month. i am not asking that anyone break their bank or take away from their family in order to help me. and i must say, if you are willing and able to help me, you will be added to my IOU list. i intend to repay every single penny i borrow. i am only asking for a loan. i am not asking for anyone to just give me money. okay? i want to make that super duper clear. if you know me at all, you know that i dont take asking for help lightly... i just dont know what other options i have. also, if you know me, you know that i will pay back everything i borrow... and if you ever need help, and i can help you, I WILL!

thanks for your consideration!
i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.

25 February 2010

update - the final days

so, today is thursday february 25th. my tentative termination date is in 2 months, april 25th. i have to have my medical leave appeal submitted by this coming monday march 1st... well, i need to send it by then... it has to be in their office by march 5th to allow them their 45 days to approve/deny my appeal. since i've had a lot of questions about this, i'll lay it out here.

i went on medical leave april 22, 2009.

i was on approved short-term medical leave until october.

then i got a letter that the leave center had incorrectly calculated my time off (they forgot to include the time i was off for my broken foot) so, in fact, i was not approved until october. mid-november they retro-ed my approval to end september 15th. so, as of mid-november, i was already a month behind to file for an extension. they allowed me to stay "attached" to the company pending my approval for extended medical leave. however, due to issues with getting medical records and leave applications filled out from doctors in a timely manner (the fault of the dr, not me), my medical leave extension was denied. the company sent me information needed to file an appeal. so, since october 2009 i have been trying to file my appeal. i have been gathering all the medical documentation and records i can. but for some fucked up reason, this has not been easy. i have seen 16 doctors during this whole thing. i have filled out release forms at every location... but still dont have all my records. and i have been very very vocal about needing this information in order to keep my job. one office sent me 88 pages of medical records! yay! oh, wait, there were a ton of dictation errors/typos... so i had to return the records for corrections. i am told i can pick them up tomorrow, friday, when i have an appointment there. i just hope they are correct now. another dr office gave me records, but they, too, had serious errors. i took those back to be corrected. about a month ago. and i still dont have the corrections yet. i have an appointment with them, as well, tomorrow... so i am hoping they will have them corrected and ready when i show up for my appointment... but when i called this week, they still were not there. i think i am having issues getting records from one hospital in particular due to the terrible problems i had with one of their neurologists. i saw a second opinion neurologist, that told me to give him a week to write up something for me to give to my employer and the cleveland clinic... that was on monday february 1st. i still have nothing from his office and his assistant has not returned my phone calls. blah blah blah... i wont detail the issues with every single dr office and hospital. i just honestly dont understand why this is happening!?

so, i have written my appeal letter to be submitted with my medical records. i have written it with the understanding that i dont have everything the leave center has asked me for. i am pleading with them to allow me extra time. but april 25th will mark one year that i have been off work.

i have an appointment with the cleveland clinic, but they couldnt get me in until march 25th. they told me to plan on being there 3-5 business days. the 25th falls on a thursday. which means i would have to be there about a week for testing. i have no idea how i am going to afford travel, hotel, food... out of town for a week. the accommodations thru the clinic are actually more expensive than a regular hotel. not to mention, cleveland clinic requires i have 2 full years of medical records. fuck! i cant even get my records for the most recent 10 months! cleveland clinic is willing to reschedule me for a later time... but i was attempting to use my appointment with them to get the answers i need (a diagnosis) and be able to keep my job.

for those of you that have said "why dont you just go back to work? show them you cant do the job because of your restrictions."
1) they will not let me return to work with any restrictions. i have to return to work full time, full duty.
2) i cant return to work until this extension has been approved. as far as they are concerned, i have been on unapproved leave since september. so in order to return to work, i need to get my time off from september 2009 to current, approved... then be able to return to work full time, full duty by april 25th.
3) i dont have a specific job anymore. after i had been gone for 6 months, they back-filled my position. so when i am able to return to work, i will have to apply online for an open position, interview, and be awarded the job.

i just dont see how this is going to work.

i have been unpaid since september. borrowing from family and friends, selling stuff outta my storage unit...etc. my house is in forbearance... but i am having a difficult time getting an extension on that as well. basically a forbearance is the bank gives you an approved amount of time that you can NOT pay your mortgage and they will not foreclose on you. my forbearance ends februaury 28th. i have been calling, literally, every single day since the last week of january. i called and emailed and faxed to my rep carrie jackson. her voicemail says "if you need immediate assistance, please hang up and call this number..." so i would leave her a message, then hang up and call the other number to tell a random customer service person that i just left another message for her. after a month of this, last week i was told "carrie jackson doesnt work here anymore" -- what the fuck?! i explained my frustration and asked who i needed to speak with then. i was told patrick mullholland. so they transferred me to him... i got his voicemail. i have called every singe day, and still not one person has called me back. i call the direct line then the customer service line. every single day. i called this morning and the girl that answered said the lines are full, but she can take a message and have someone call me back. i told her i have been calling for over a month and no one has called me back one single time. i listed all the names. she said that doesnt make sense to her because all messages are tracked to be sure the reps are calling back. i gave her my info, and she assured me that someone would call me today.

when i got my tax refund i paid all the bills that i could. i paid my jeep insurance for 6 months. i went to the agency office. made my payment. was told i now have a zero balance. they gave me a receipt. i left. well, a couple weeks later i get an overdraft letter in the mail from my bank. i only had $6.92 in there since december... so i had not been using that account. as soon as i read the letter, i rushed to get online to see what happened. my insurance company had taken an automatic withdrawal out of my bank account for a monthly payment. i called the local agency and she called the home office and they said while it was an unfortunate situation, they would not refund the payment or reimburse the overdraft fees. keep in mind, they know all about my medical leave not getting paid situation. i wouldnt take that. so i called the home office myself. i kept leaving messages, until finally someone called me back. she said she needed a list of letters and documentation and bank statements... basically trying to overwhelm me into not doing it. well, little did she know i am the queen of paperwork at this time in my life! i got all i could and emailed her copies of all of it. she was surprised and threw up a couple more hoops for me to jump thru. at the time i talked with her, my overdraft fees were $97 and the bank was willing to retract $48.50 (half) because they felt bad for me. but i needed to get insurance to reimburse the other $48.50. i explained to insurance that there is a daily overdraft fee, and the longer they take to pay me, the more they will be forced to pay, because i would not let this slide. they claim they have put a check in the mail. but i dont know for how of this morning, my account is overdrawn $81.58. so they have taken so long, their half has doubled. anywhom... so that is just one more thing i am dealing with.

blah blah blah... i know you all dont want to hear me bitch and complain. i dont want to be bitching and complaining! it's just that there is nothing else going on in my life right now... so i have nothing else to talk about. if anyone has any brilliant ideas, please feel free to share them! i'm down to the wire here. i've called lawyers and everyone i can think of, and while they all agree my situation sucks, there is nothing they can immediately do for me. and if i do get fired, i have not been able to find a lawyer to represent me either because they represent my employer in some way, or they wont take my case since i dont have a specific diagnosis.

okay. i suppose that is enough venting and sharing for now. i'll keep you posted on the outcome.

oh yeah! last, but not at all least, Loki seems to be doing well since her run-in with the car. (no pun intended). she has 1 day of meds left, but she is already back to her old crazy self! she is, however, a bit hesitant going to the driveway when i take her outside. and while it sucks all this happened, maybe it will make her more aware of her surroundings. i'm just glad she is alive and here with me!

i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.

08 February 2010

angela update junk

well, i dont think i have updated since my appointment with the 2nd opinion neurologist on monday february 1st. 2nd neuro says he cant help me. says that he doesnt think my pain is from anything neurological. but he also said that with the range of problems, he's not sure he could even suggest what specialty doctors i should try next. i asked him if it would help if i started coming back to the er when my tremors and other symptoms flared up. he said no. he said i have been in the er enough and that the er is not going to give me the specialized attention i need. so he is sending me back to the pain clinic. that was last monday at the neuro. i had an appointment friday at the pain clinic with my pain psychologist.

thursday i got my tax refund. i ran around and paid a ton of bills. i was actually happy to be able to pay bills for once! odd, i know. then i came home thursday evening to find a bill in my mail for my november 2009 - current medical insurance through my employer. lovely. $533.66 per month. so, roughly $1500. fabulous! it was too late in the evening to call, so i called first thing friday morning, before my pain psych appointment. i was told that while i am in the medical leave extension appeals process, and on unpaid leave from my employer, i am responsible for my own insurance. aaand... if i dont pay the insurance premiums by february 20th, my benefits will be retro-denied and they will retract all of the benefits' payments they made, and then i will be responsible for my complete medical bills since november. what a lovely way to start the day. but i need to get to my friday morning appointment... so i go.

i get to my appointment, and before i even check in, i tell them i would like to make a payment on my bill. they ask how much. i said $100. handed him the money. the guy takes my money, pulls up my account, and says "uuummm... i'll be right back." he comes back and tells me that i have a past due account. i said yes, i know this, that is why i am making a payment. my appointments there are considered outpatient, so i dont have a co-pay... it is always a percentage of whatever procedure i have done. i have been making payments when i can, so i thought i was fine. anywhom... he goes on to tell me that they will not schedule any more medical, occupational or physical therapy appointments until my bill is paid in full. fabulous. i ask how much it is... he hands me a stack of papers... $1100. yippee. grand. splendid. i take a seat in the lobby as i wait for what i imagine is going to be my last appointment in their office.

i get in with my pain psych. she says that she is billed separately, so she will continue to see me and she and i can work out our own payment arrangements. she says that she doesnt think i can handle any further rejection and that she really thinks i should keep seeing her on a regular basis. i completely agree. she is by far my favorite psych. believe me, i have seen plenty... she is wonderful!

so... my dilemma.

i need to pay $1100 asap in order to keep seeing my pain clinic doctors. not only do i need to figure me out, but i am going to need them to help me fill out tons of paperwork for my entry to the cleveland clinic. however, i need to pay $1500 by february 20th in order to keep my insurance to even be eligible to see these doctors... let alone go to cleveland clinic. and i have to be able to continue to pay $533.66 a month. on no income. how is it they cover your benefits while you are paid... then when you are in hardship they throw you on unpaid leave and tell you that you are responsible for all of your own benefits?!?! gaaa!

obviously, friday i was a wreck. i tried calling more lawyers... but no one is helpful. they are telling me my situation is not malpractice (the issue that all of this started when dr mahmood screwed up my medical leave application and got my leave denied). it's not criminal law. and other lawyers either represent my employer in some way, so the cant represent me... or they wont take my case because i dont have a specific diagnosis. what's a girl to do?!

i got home friday afternoon and went to bed. i had cried aaalll day and my head was going to explode.

saturday i got some medical records in the mail. i have put in requests for my medical records to every doc i have seen. only one has responded. well, saturday i got a ton. 88 pages to be exact. i started reading some of them. wonderful. there are dictation typos and errors that work against me. no wonder i have been having so many issues with my appeal! it's the weekend. i cant do anything about it. so i dont bother reading the entire thing. i'll worry about it monday.

monday (today) i call around to find out what i am suppose to do to get these errors corrected. they tell me that i can go thru all of the records, sticky note what needs correction, and bring them back to be amended. i wont bother detailing how their process works... but they said it will take a couple of weeks. i have to have all of my medical records and letter of appeal submitted in 3 weeks.

i know everyone keeps telling me to stay positive and all that junk... but i just dont know how this is going to work out. i dont know how to save my job. even if i get fired, i still have to pay the $1500 for insurance not to retract their payments. i should be worrying about getting better... not saving my job. i've been there 7 years. no one is helping me. actually, i feel like some of them are working against me. i'm getting emails and calls from my real friends saying that people i work(ed) with have been bad mouthing me like crazy. they think i'm faking it. they see me getting groceries or at the bank or something and since i'm not in a body cast, i must be faking. *grumble*blargh*grrr*

i have been getting a bunch of emails and notes and calls that i should read the bible and give my problems to god. really?! i have never taken to this way of thinking. i'm not judging my friends and family that do. please dont find this insulting. i just want to understand. if reading the bible really helped, wouldnt more people do it? my problems arent hot potatoes. i cant just "hand them over to god" and be like, "hey, i dont want these anymore, you can have them" and then everything is happy happy joy joy. so what is it "believers" see that i dont? PLEASE dont get me wrong. i do believe in god and/or a higher power. and i am not looking to be saved or born again. i think i was born okay the first time. i just want to understand.

"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion." Abraham Lincoln

"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." Dalai Lama

well, i hope you all know that i love you dearly and appreciate all of your support and concerns, hopes, well wishes, thoughts, prayers, vibes... etc...

much love.
be well.

27 January 2010

nightmare with a pleasant ending

i had yet another round of nightmares last night. one of them i was caught in the middle of a fight with a family that were neighbors to my family. now, these people dont exist in real life. it was not a family that i recognized physically, but that does not mean that each person did not represent someone i probably know. anywhom. what i want to tell about the dream is this... there were about 5 bad neighbor family members on our porch. we were yelling back and forth. i was yelling for them to leave. then everyone got quiet and kinda parted in the middle, and john cusack was standing there. with that sweet sad loveable look about him. he and i hugged. i said "hey" and he said "hey you". somehow he was a relative of bad family and they got all up in arms about my being friends with him and not them. we just kept hugging. he said to me "in thousands of years, i will still love you." and i replied "just like i did thousands of years ago." then i woke up. i had this feeling not that he and i were boyfriend and girlfriend or spouses, but that we had been friends for lifetimes beyond. i needed that hug.

26 January 2010

the good and bad of yesterday

i've been getting tons of inquiries wondering what happened yesterday in ANGELAnd. here goes.

i once again woke to make a million and one phone calls, emails and faxes that would never be returned. that is the case with pretty much everything i have tried to do during my medical leave. this is the basic rundown... since i have a bunch more stuff to do today...

still no word from the lawyers that were suppose to call me last wednesday.

still getting nothing but voicemails when i call to get my medical records to submit for my medical leave extension appeal that is due by march 5th.

i finally got a hold of someone to request information about what happens if my appeal is denied. he was not able to actually answer my questions, but he was the first person to tell me he could make "tickets" for each of my requests and i should get a callback within 2 business days. so i did all that.

i'll explain something first, then tell you what my questions were...

first, i finally got a 2nd appointment with the new neurologist. the one that jacked up my appointment on january 4th ---read about that here--- i will see the new neuro, dr jewett, on monday february 1st at 1145a in the three rivers office for my 2nd consultation.

then i was finally able to get registered with the cleveland clinic. i had never heard of them before, but from what i am told they are similar to mayo clinic. they are sending me a packet to complete, and i have to come up with my past 2 years of medical records... this should be fun. i've been having enough problems getting my medical records for only the last 8 months! anywhom, cleveland clinic has my intake appointment for thursday march 25th at 10a. they told me to plan on being seen a minimum of 5 business days for tests and doctor consults galore. kinda sucks they are starting me on a thrusday, since i will have to pay for my own hotel, and throwing a weekend in there is just 2 extra nights, when i dont even know how i'm gonna afford the other 5.

here is the downside... and the questions i asked about my medical leave appeal...

the appeal board will take 45 days to approve/deny my appeal for medical leave extension. without approval, my termination date is april 25th. so i have to have my entire appeal submitted no later than march 5th. however, i dont have enough of my records right now, and it's not looking like i'll have them by march 5th... the cleveland clinic info could help my appeal, but my appointment isnt until march 25th. so what i am trying to find out is...

what happens if my first level appeal is denied, and i am fired as of april 25th? i do not have time before april 25th to file a second level appeal. so, would a second level appeal, after the fact of being fired, but also containing my cleveland clinic information, would that save my job? or would that only allow me retro pay for what i was entitled while i was still employed? and, if i do get fired, will i be retroactively billed for all of my medical that insurance has paid while i have been in appeals since september? that would be at least 5 months of medical bills that insurance has already covered... but would they hold me responsible for it after the fact?

after a terrible morning of phone calls that seemed to be going nowhere... i got 2 packages! one was from my best friend, jess! she and i have a shared art journal that we scribble in and send back and forth to each other. well, not only did i get the journal, she also sent me 3 fully-loaded cds that she made for me! i've only listened to the 1st cd so far... but her music choices are brilliant! so that made me feel all warm and fuzzy! theeen...i go another package! a few months ago, when i had a bit of money, i ordered a hoodie from the pablove foundation. they had my stuff on backorder and backorder and backorder. well, i got my stuff yesterday after getting my package from jess! yippee!

theeen... my actual snail mail showed up. i got my tax forms! heck yeah! aaand... i FINALLY got my food assistance from the state! they never called me back, and i had filed a complaint online, but i dont really care what happened on their end... i got my food assistance! they only retro-paid me $36 for october/november/december combined, but my current amount is more reasonable! i have never had to receive assistance before. this is all new to me. and while it feels good to know i can by myself groceries, it is kinda bittersweet.

last night i went to the grocery store. it was so twisted. i was happy to be getting groceries, but i was seriously holding back tears when i would have to ask a clerk "is this covered on the food card?" the state does not send you a letter or anything telling you what you can and cant buy, but there is stuff not covered, and i have zero money and didnt want to be standing at the cash register, embarrassed because i couldnt pay a balance for stuff that was not covered. in addition to necessities, i only bought 2 treats. i got my chai tea mix... and i got this braid of mozzarella cheese that is marinated in olive oil, garlic, peppers, and tons of other spices. i always look at it, but have never ever bought this cheese before, because it is $6 for 8 ounces. but i bought it for myself as a treat. and i am crying now as i tell you that. but i deserve it dagnabit!

so, this morning i made my usual phone calls. then i went and had my taxes done. i only worked about 3 and a half months in 2009... and i was only paid for 5 months of medical... so the leftovers, i'm not sure how that all works. i guess they just write it off as no income. however, i have not been able to make a house payment for 4 months, so i was worried they would garnish any refund i had, but they didnt. *sigh of relief*. i was told i should have my refund on or around february 10th.

i want to add a thanks on here to the folks that have helped me, or offered to help me, with getting food for my dogters. i am not sure if it is appropriate or not to "name names"... but you know who you are! my dogters and i are very very appreciative. and i have had tons of other offers from friends and family to be added to my list of go-to people if we need anything else! thank you from the bottom of my heart! this really means so very much to me!

and now, i need to finish up my time here at the library. the above portion was written at my house, but i was in here earlier to print off some tax stuff, and a couple of minutes ago i heard one librarian telling another that i had been here, online, once already this morning. but it was only for about 15 minutes... so i should be allowed to come back for my remaining 45!

i hope your tuesday is magnificent! please keep in your thoughts and prayers all those less fortunate than you. while i know that i am having a rough time, i do know that it could be much worse. and thanks to you for all of your love and support and thoughts and prayers!

i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.

25 January 2010

quick note!

ZOIKS! sooo much happened today! good and bad! since i'm at the library now, i dont have time to write it all... so i'll write at home tonight, save to my memory stick, and come back to library tomorrow to post it! keep your eyes peeled! this'll be good!

23 January 2010

black dog update!

i've been on medical leave for almost 9 months now. you would think i'd have figured out by now that a dognap at 6p lands me wide awake at 1a. yes, i missed the 9p doggie dinners, but they slept right through it, too!

so it's 1a now and i figured i would write.

(hopefully) by the time i post this, black dog will officially/temporarily be "mine". i have been holding off about the details, because the guy that "owns/owned" her is someone that works at the same place as me, and we know a bunch of the same people, and i wanted to wait and see how this would all work out. i found her in my yard saturday (the 16th) morning just after 9a. you can read those details here. well, i put an ad in the paper and on craigslist and a "found dog" sign in my front yard. monday and tuesday i started getting some crazy phone calls of people that were very obviously not the owners, claiming to be the owners. "it's a black dog. i dont know what breed it is. i'm not good with dogs like that." yeah, then she is not yours... and if she was, youre not gettin' her back!

tuesday i got a ton of phone calls from this guy saying it was his brother's dog. but he didnt have too many details and his brother was at work. i told him just to have his brother call me when he got out of work. tuesday came and went and no phone call from the supposed dog owner. i also received some email conversation with a lady that works with the supposed owner. she said the guy's dog is always getting out and he has talked about finding it another home. she said she would talk with him at work. wednesday came with another phone call from brother, but the owner still never called. finally, thursday i got an email late in the day from the lady co-worker that, yes, this guy's dog was missing. so, this guy knows that on saturday is dog went missing. and his brother had been calling me and him, a lot, saying "i know this is his dog"... yet the owner waited until thursday night to call me. he knew for 3 days that i had his dog. i live about 4 blocks from him and he had my phone number.

owner calls. we talk for a bit. i tell him i work the same place as him and we kinda figure out if we might know each other. i work 3rd shift at one end of the plant and he works days at the exact opposite end of the plant. we talk for a while, and i suggest a few times that he can come to my house or i can bring her to his house. he kinda slides out of responding to that by talking more about the dog. he had 2 dogs, and 1 died a while back and he says this dog has been crazy since then. he puts her in the yard (which he claims has a vinyl fence) and she digs her way out. when she got out saturday, he had put her in the yard for the day while he was at work.

let me pause right here to say it was in the fucking 20*s that day! and he was going to leave her out there for 10 hours?!

okay, back to topic. since i am past the point of making this long story short... he kept making comments like, "you have dogs? maybe they want a friend." and "you can keep her if you want." and "are you sure you dont want her?" ... finally i said, "are you serious?" i told him i have 2 dogs of my own and i cant own 3 within the city limits, but that i would gladly keep her until i could find her a new home. i didnt want him taking her back just to throw her in the yard again and she gets out again and gets hit by a car or something. i would be miserable. i said i have some good leads on a home for her. and he said that would be fine. he said, "well, she has an appointment on saturday. i was gonna get her shots." i was like, ooohhh great, what is wrong with her? he claims she is due for he annual shots. i told him i have been on medical leave for 8 months and i cant afford that expense. he actually offered to pick her up 9a saturday (today), take her to get her shots and license, and bring her back to me. i said, "well how do you want to do this? would you like to come over and see her or i can bring her over so you can say 'goodbye' or something?" he said no, he would just see her on saturday. and that was basically it.
i got off the phone flabbergasted that he wouldnt want such an amazing dog... but relieved that 1) i didnt have to keep looking for her owner, but most important, that i knew she would be with me and be loved until i could find her a forever family.

then i got to thinking. he could easily just pick her up from my house saturday, drive her around for a bit without getting her shots, then bring her back and i wouldnt know. except i would, because she needs her vaccine records to get a license.

friday, yesterday, a friend gave me $25 for doggie food. i went to walmart (where i usually go) but they had raised their prices... again. so i went to kroger. i dont go to kroger, but i wanted to see if they were any cheaper. not much. but they did have KaiYin's food in stock. walmart didnt. as i was standing there staring at mountains of dogfood realizing that $25 would cover my 2 dogs for a week, but no way in hell it was gonna feed this dog, i decided to call the owner. i told him i am broke and cant really afford to feed 3 dogs right now, and i am standing in the dogfood aisle to get my dogs' food, could he please bring me the food he has for black dog? he said he would bring it on saturday. i tried to make it clear that i needed it friday, but he was insistent he would bring it when he picked her up saturday morning. that's when i said, "well, i wanted to talk with you about that. i can just meet you at the vet at 9a. not a problem. the vet you go to is by my ma's house and i'm taking her to meet my ma after she is done anyway." he was like, "nah. i only live a couple blocks from you, i can pick her up." but i insisted i would meet him there. and really, what can he do? i've got her. i'll leave early and wait there, that way he doesnt cut me off in my driveway. i need to make sure she has her shots!

so, that is that for now. it is 230a saturday morning and i need to meet him at 9a at the vet across town. i'm not trying to look down on this guy or talk bad about him. i'm not going to tell you his name, since we do in fact know a bunch of the same people and work at the same place. but i will say, no matter who you are or who you know, you can figure it out for yourself that it sucks that someone that has "owned" a dog for at least 2 years, a dog that is extremely well-behaved and affectionate, it sucks that that person would know their dog is gone for 3 days, then for 3 additional days they know the exact house it is at only 4 blocks away from their home, and the phone number, but they dont call to check on the dog. that just breaks my heart. i am so happy that black dog is (fingers crossed) going to be staying with me. even if just for a little while. i know that she will be well loved and taken care of here. and i know that i will find her an outstanding home with a happy doggie life and family.

wow! this morning seemed to take forever! i got to the vet about 845a. he was suppose to meet me there for her appointment at 9a. the receptionist came out to see if i was dropping her off for her bath. i said no, i thought she was getting shots... and that i have already given her 2 baths at my house. i explained the situation, and the girl was very understanding. "owner" didnt show up until 930a! her appointment was at 9a! ha came in, didnt really pay much attention to black dog, then he said he just wanted to pay and leave. he didnt want to stay for the appointment itself. well, there was still 10 minutes left on her fecal test to see if she has worms. if she had worms, it would cost more for her meds. so they asked him to wait at least 10 minutes. reluctantly, he went in to the exam room with me and black dog. that was super uncomfortable! i was trying to be civil and not say much, but i was really bothered with the entire situation. buuut... *he* is paying for her shots to be updated, so i had to be thankful for that since i have no money. i just had to stick it out.

vets came in, no worms, which meant no meds, so they gave her her shots and we went out to pay. he paid for everything and we transferred her license to me. we walked out, i got the leftover dogfood he had (not much at all) and we went our separate ways. i was sooo relieved that she was sitting in my jeep with me as he drove away. he did say that if i dont find a home, call him, and he might take her back. but it didnt feel sincere. maybe he's just a guy that doesnt show emotions well, i dont know. but i can guarantee i'm going to find her the bestest home ever! until then, i know that she is being loved and cared for all the time!

when i kept waking all night last night, at one point i was trying to clear my head. so i cleaned out the few boxes that were in the spare room and moved black dog upstairs. i am more comfortable with this now since she has her shots. but now she is upstairs with us, has a warm bed and toys and windows to look out and tons of love. i know there doesnt seem to be anything else i could say... there is... but i really dont have time! ma is picking me up at 430p today to go see one of her friends. so i need to get this done, save it, go up to the library, post this, check my emails, back to the house to shower and eat (assuming i can hold something down), do another round of doggie potty walks, then it will prolly be time for ma to get me.

i want to thank all of you that have been and still are willing to help me and my dogters! (here come the tears) i know i always have something to say, and words seldom fail me, but i just cant express to you how much it means to know and feel loved and supported. especially by some people you hardly know... or you havent seen in years! it means so very much to me and i could never thank you enough. i love you, love you, love you all! and not just for the dogfood! but i think you know that!

my dogters send you all pooches smooches!
much love.
be well.
~Angela, KaiYin, Loki, and "Black Dog" (until we get a new name!)

22 January 2010

angela update-ish and request for dogter help

by now, most of you know that my home internet was disconnected. i couldnt pay the bill. i suppose it is a luxury anywhom. the library only allows 1 hour internet access per person per day. so what i decided to do is write on my home computer word program, save it to my memory stick, then just post it real quick at the library, therefore saving quality internet time! i'm such a smart cookie!

i have been checking email on my phone. there is a lag time on when my yahoo account will update on my phone. i havent figure out the specific amount of time. just wanted you to know that i dont get all the emails right away. aaand, internet on my phone drains my battery, so there's that, too.

last night i went to bed super early since i had to be up at 6a to make it to my early dr appointment in kalamazoo (1 hour drive 1 way). i barely slept. i was up about twice an hour every hour. no exaggeration. and of course, the more you *try* to sleep, the less likely you are to be able to sleep. tooo many thoughts and tooo much pain.

no new news with the docs. a couple weeks ago they did another blood draw to retest some labs they have been doing on a regular basis. not all of my blood work is back, but what has come back all came back "normal". whatever that means at this point. i'm not sure they even know.

found black dogs owner. i cant release many details right now. i'll be able to share more after this weekend. but i do know that it looks like i am keeping her. i'll fill you in on the details when i am at liberty. i know this may be a lot to ask, especially since i havent given you the complete details of the situation, but i need to ask my friends and family to please help me with dog food. if i only have bread and water, that is for me to deal with. i understand. my dogs dont understand. i realize that taking on a 3rd dog (just until i find her a forever home) might not be the smartest idea if i am having trouble keeping food for my own 2 dogs. but i know, without a doubt, that she will be much happier and get so much more love and attention with me. and in a way, it helps me. i cant do anything right now. i havent been able to do anything. (apparently i cant even write this without tears) i cant fold laundry or brush my teeth or wash dishes... etc... without increasing pain. but just being able to sit with my dogs, and black dog, and let them know they are loved and i will do anything for them... it helps me feel needed and feel like i am doing something. even if it is just sitting with a dog and letting it know i care. so i am asking for help to get some dogfood for these 3 girls. KaiYin is the only one with a specific diet. i dont have money for her white rice and cottage cheese diet that the vet recommends. but the only dogfood that hasnt yet upset her tummy (we've tried them all) is the purple bag, dry food, iams active maturity for 7+ years old. the other two, Loki and Black Dog, they dont care what they eat.

i know things are tight for everyone these days. and i dont want you feeling pressured or obligated to help us. if you want to make a "loan" and not a "donation" just let me know what i owe you. believe me, i have an IOU list that i can add you to! and I WILL PAY YOU BACK! IF I OWE YOU MONEY, I WILL PAY YOU BACK!

i've received a few emails and comments during conversation that i would like to clear up.

one is "at least there are always credit cards". this is not the case for me. i am 33 years old and i have never had a credit card. so i am not able to "get by", without a paycheck, on credit cards, like some people do. i havent had a paycheck since september. closing in on 5 months without a dime of income or government assistance. believe me, i've tried! read my previous posts if you would like to know more. what i am trying to say is this, if i dont have cash, i dont have any money. now, i am not trying to make you feel sorry for me. i have been trying to sell stuff from my house and storage unit to make some cash to pay bills. i few of my friends and family have helped when they can, but like i said, times are tough for everyone. even if you cant afford to help me, if you know someone looking for a fridge or stove or something, send them my direction! that's enough for me! hell, if you know someone looking to buy a house, even better!

another comment is a wide range, but "at least you dont have to go to work" is the underlying message. i would love to be able to work right now! i never thought i would be saying that! this is not a vacation for me! in the hopes of selling my house quickly, i put everything into storage. so now, this house is pretty much empty. all that is here is the dining set i am trying to sell, my nephew's old twin bed that the dogs and i sleep in, and my teevee (which i am also trying to sell). i literally only have a suitcase of clothes. everything else i own is in storage! everything! my teevee only gets 2 channels, pbs and travel channel. big woop. i'm not a teevee addict anywhom. but with nothing else to do, the limited options suck. and now that i dont have internet, i'm almost completely disconnected. so i sit here, all day and night, alone with my dogs, me in pain, with tooo many thoughts in my head. this is not a vacation. this is miserable. with my hand / arm / shoulder pain and limitations, i cant hand-write or draw much at all. defiantly not able to attempt guitar pickin. and i havent been able to make any of my hand-bound journals to sell. i'm stuck.

i'm drowning. and i dont expect any of you to float in a cruise ship and sail me away... but if anyone has a life preserver, i would greatly appreciate it!

right now the help i am asking for is dogfood. did i mention that?! sorry if i am dragging this out.

i keep my heat down and just layer on the clothes. i have just about every blanket and sheet that i own on the bed so my dogters and i can curl up and keep warm together. they are like my little space heaters! i dont do laundry until i have a full load. i wear layers and layers of clothes. stocking hats, gloves and scarves at all times. i use as little water as possible (unless my pain is really really bad then i take a hot shower to help ease it a bit). i dont want anyone to think i am being frivolous. i dont want you to think if you loan me money i'm going out to eat or clothes shopping. i just need enough to get by.

i am hoping to get my tax stuff in the mail next week. since i only worked about 4 months last year, and the remaining pay i did get was medical pay, and i didnt get any pay from september - current, i dont know what is going to happen when i file my taxes. i cant imagine i will owe anything... but i also havent been able to make a house payment for 4 months. do they garnish any of that from my tax refund? i dont know how all of this works. i have never been in a situation like this before.

well, i am going to stop for now with my sob story. gonna run this up to post online at the library. then home to curl up with my dogters and take a nap (since last night's slumber was a failure).

thanks again and always for your support and love and thoughts and prayers and vibes and smoke signals and everything. if you need my phone number or address for any reason, let me know, or get with someone who prolly knows. please be considerate about sharing my digits and such. if you are not sure, just ask me. for instance, if you want to continue to be my friend/family, i would not advise giving my contact info to... let's say... my high school sweetheart's fiancee, or the guy at the local "cash for gold" place that keeps emailing me on myspace... use your noggin!

and on that note...
Be Well.
and hey... send me some updates about you and yours! i am going insane with my own "life"... fill me in on yours so i can escape mine for a while!

19 January 2010

more angela medical junk

i dont know where to begin, so i'll just dive in.

i know everyone keeps telling me to file a complaint here, call this person, call these people, send an email online here, you need a lawyer, blah blah blah... do this this this... my head is spinning and i am going to explode! i have enough stress trying to deal with my medical issues and daily physical limitations... all this paperwork is driving me more mad! i know i need to get it all done. but at this point i honestly dont think i am going to save my job by april.

i keep making phone calls and phone calls and emails and faxes... but if these people dont reply to me in a timely manner, i am screwed. so it's not that i am not doing what i need to do... it's that the people i need help from arent cooperating. it is not my fault if a doctor reschedules an appointment, or i just can get in for another month. it is not my fault if i call and call every single office every single day and still no one has answers or medical records or my medical leave extension application isnt filled out. it is not my fault if i leave message after voicemail after message and no one calls me back. none of this is my fault! i know this! but, honestly, am i suppose to sue everyone?

i spoke with my medical leave rep yesterday. i was hoping she could help me with some much needed answers. she couldnt. and really, wouldnt. she said that actually she is no longer my rep. she said that she was my rep during my first application for medical leave extension. however, since i was denied, i now have to appeal. an appeal will consist of a new medical board and a new rep. but a new board and rep wont be assigned until i have submitted everything for my appeal. she said that once i send them a letter saying "this is the last of it, please start my appeal" then they will compile a board and give me a new rep. i asked her who is suppose to answer the questions i have now... she said i just have to send in everything i get or already have. i was like, wait wait wait... you have my entire file that started last april for medical leave that was approved, do i have to re-gather all that and submit it again? she said she couldnt answer that. what the fuck?! i said "so i'm just suppose to send in what may or may not be complete, on a hope and a prayer, and just wait?" she said, "well, if you are denied, there is a second level appeal." WHAT?! NO!!! i told her i dont have time for that! if i dont get this to turn in my favor by april 25th, 2010, i lose my job! i asked how long it takes the appeals board to make a decision... she said about 45 days. holy shit. this was the last straw before my breakdown yesterday.

when i filed for financial assistance thru the state (for the first time in my life) back in october 2009, i was told the process should only take 30 days. well, it's been over 3 months and i still dont have anything. hell, my dhs case worker wont return my calls or emails. my employer wont fill out the form i need for dhs assistance. my employer says the form has to go thru a special service. a service, of course, that dhs so far will not honor. so at this point i havent been able to get any state assistance.

i have been fortunate enough that a few of my family and friends lend me money when they can. but i'm racking up some serious IOUs. i hate this. i NEVER ask for help or money. i'm always the one taking care of other people. i think i am most irritated that i am having to borrow from family and friends when i should be getting medical leave pay and state assistance. i have never ever filed for assistance. but i have paid in taxes all my working life. and from what i can tell, most of the people that are getting what was my hard-earned money, are people that take advantage of the system. now, now, calm down... i'm not saying if you are on state assistance you are taking advantage. but you know who i am talking about. the people that use their unemployment to buy smokes and alcohol... and yadda yadda yadda. i dont think i need to detail what you already know.

some people are asking me "why dont you just go back to work? show them you cant do the job." or "just go back to work and deal with the pain." well, for one, it is dangerous for myself and my co-workers. also, i dont have a specific job to go back to. after i had been off for 6 months, my job was given away. so, as my employer calls it, i am still "attached" to the company... but if/when i am able to come back, i have to apply for, interview for, and be awarded a new position within the company. but wait! i cant do that... why?... because since my extended medical leave was denied, i have been on UNexcused absence since september 2009. sooo... i NEED this medical leave extension appeal to be approved before april 25, 2010 or i lose my jobby job. i have been with this company for 7 years. i dont know what else to say about it.

thank you for reading all of these scattered thoughts i put out to the world that is cyber.
and thank you for your continued support and love.
i love you all oodles and bunches and i hope all is well with you and yours!

18 January 2010

bad day

the rest of my day/night is gonna be used to expel every last tear in my body & sleep. i cant control it right now, so i'm just gonna let it flow. get it all out. everything just keeps getting worse. i do all i can, every day, & it hasnt been enough. just when i think it cant get worse, it does. please, no house guests. i cant think or comprehend or really function. if you dont hear from me, no worries. i havent done anything to myself. my phone & internet might get disconnected. being without a paycheck since sept'09 makes it hard to pay bills. hopefully my tax forms will come in so i can get a little relief.

17 January 2010

friday's fiasco getting my medical records from "doctor" mahmood

here it is. the over-due and highly anticipated update regarding my friday fiasco with getting my medical records from bad neurologist dr mahmood.

as i have mentioned many many times before, my medical leave extension was denied due to conflicting and incomplete medical records submitted to my employer by dr mahmood. i wont rehash ALL of the many many terrible issues i had with this "doctor"... you can read previous posts if you want to learn more. anywhom. after making multiple phone calls and leaving multiple unreturned voice mails, i finally just called his office and made an appointment. my appointment was last thursday the 14th. click here to see what happened in that appointment. well, no one called me thursday afternoon like they were suppose to. so i called thursday evening and left a message for the office admin, patty.

patty called me first thing friday morning. i was surprised. she asked "what can i do for you?" i laughed and said "do you really have to ask?!" she said yes. i told her. she said she would do some investigating and call me back. so she did. she said that yes she did compare the letters that dr mahmood wrote me, against the information they submitted on my medical leave extension application, and that yes, in fact, the application info was wrong and the letters to remove me from work due to disability were right. she said that she would correct that and resubmit it. i gave her all the contact info she needed to resubmit. she also said "i have your entire chart spread out across my office floor right now..." and that she could have it ready and waiting for me to pick up at the front desk about 2p or 3p. this was about noon, and i told her that i live an hour away and need to get a ride, but i would be there to get them asap. she said that would be fine.

she called me just a bit after 2p and said she would be going to a meeting at 230p. i told her i was still about 10 minutes from the hospital. she said my file was waiting for me but she had to go. i said okay.

ma and i got to borgess hospital and went upstairs to neurology. i went to the front desk and was happy to see the 2 nice girls that i like. they said yep, just a second, and they got me my "file". she handed me a VERY thin manila envelope. really?! ma and i thought it was a joke. we got in the elevator and opened the envelope. what a joke!!! there were 9 pages total. 2 pages were a letter to my primary care that i already had. 1 page was literally just a one-line signature page. and the other 6 pages were test results that were performed in a different office!

there was no copy of the new patient packet that i filled out regarding my identification, current medical problems, past medical problems, medications, allergies, family history, social history...etc...
no initial intake notes,
no progress notes,
no referal notes,
no dictations or doctor's notes,
no notes regarding the medications i was prescribed by this "doctor",
nothing else!
off the top of my head, i have seen this neurologist at least 5 times. and *this* was all they had for me?! ma and i were laughing in disbelief all the way to the car! i knew that admin patty said she was in a meeting until 4p... so i didnt even bother trying to call her. ma and i laughed at the statement patty had made "i've got your entire chart spread out across my office floor right now." really?! all 9 pages?! why didnt you just use your desk?!

and i told ma that it wouldnt make a difference if they *did* correct my medical leave extension application, becuase they dont have ANY written medical documentation to support it! what i joke! is all i keep thinking!

what to do after that? as we drove out of borgess hospital parking lot, i called the hospital and asked for the girl that i thought was the girl that had given me secret info before.

she got on the phone, i said who i was,
she said "yeah honey, i know who you are."
i asked if she was allowed to or willing to talk with me?
she said "sure. what do you need?"
i told my secret nurse that i would NOT do ANYTHING to put her job in jeopardy and thanked her over and over for all her help. i told her i just needed to talk with someone within the office that i felt would be honest with me and that i really appreciate all she has done for me.
i asked "are you the person that called me back in august and september and told me my files were gone?"
she said yes.
i told her what i just recieved as my "complete file" and asked her if this was normal or was there stuff missing?
she said someone stepped in her office and put on hold really quick.
she got back on the phone.
i asked "did they lose/misplace my stuff or did they simply not give it to me?"
she said "the first one."
so they lost or misplaced everything?
she said yes.
then she kinda covered her mouth while she talked in the phone saying, "really quick, dr mahmood was asked 4 times to dictate and he never did. what he did get done, his assistant mary was suppose to have dictated, and she never did. which is why neither of them wanted to talk with you."
i thanked her again and reassured her i would not use her name, then we hung up.

glorious! what happens now? well, i am making a list of people to call and things to say/ask. a family friend that has been a medical admin in michigan, nevada and arizona says that i need to contact the hospital risk management department, file a complaint with the department of community health (which gets them investigated by the state board of physicians), contact the wage and hour board of michigan, and follow through with a lawyer... along with a slew of other in-depth stuff. i will be doing all that i can, but i'll tell ya, my head is spinning! all of this bullshit to go thru just to get a doctor to do his fucking job... and oh yeah, by the way, I'M STILL IN PAIN and not diagnosed yet! i am still going thru trial tests and treatments!

another thing i am going to do is try to get MYSELF into mayo or cleveland clinic. my current docs want to wait for this and this and this and that... but i dont have time! i have been off work for almost 9 months now and i am on the verge of losing my job... not to mention i still have not been figured out yet!

yeah, so, that is what happened on friday when i went to get my medical records. what a joke. what a joke. what a joke. is all i can think of. if you have ANY suggestions or knowledge of what to do or say or ask in a situation like this, please let me know asap! i am compiling lists and note cards so that my phone conversations will go as smoothly as possible.

thanks so much for your love and well wishes.
i appreciate every last bit!
i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.