For those of you fortunate enough to have Love in your life...don't take it for granted. Love with all you have in each day is the last. Always leave your partner with loving words and a kiss...and greet each other the same way. Cuddle as you fall to sleep...even if you stray in the night. Set your alarm 5 minutes early so that you can cozy up before starting your day. Sit on the same side of the booth in restaurants. Hide love notes for the other to find. Smile at each other. Hold Hands. Hug. Kiss. Touch...even if it's just hands passing in the hall or your foot to his foot in the middle of the night as you reposition in your sleep. It's the little things that mean the most. Whisper goodnight, sweet dreams and kiss him even if he's already sleeping. For those of you fortunate enough to have Love in your life...don't take it for granted. ~Angela Pearl

27 January 2010

nightmare with a pleasant ending

i had yet another round of nightmares last night. one of them i was caught in the middle of a fight with a family that were neighbors to my family. now, these people dont exist in real life. it was not a family that i recognized physically, but that does not mean that each person did not represent someone i probably know. anywhom. what i want to tell about the dream is this... there were about 5 bad neighbor family members on our porch. we were yelling back and forth. i was yelling for them to leave. then everyone got quiet and kinda parted in the middle, and john cusack was standing there. with that sweet sad loveable look about him. he and i hugged. i said "hey" and he said "hey you". somehow he was a relative of bad family and they got all up in arms about my being friends with him and not them. we just kept hugging. he said to me "in thousands of years, i will still love you." and i replied "just like i did thousands of years ago." then i woke up. i had this feeling not that he and i were boyfriend and girlfriend or spouses, but that we had been friends for lifetimes beyond. i needed that hug.

26 January 2010

the good and bad of yesterday

i've been getting tons of inquiries wondering what happened yesterday in ANGELAnd. here goes.

i once again woke to make a million and one phone calls, emails and faxes that would never be returned. that is the case with pretty much everything i have tried to do during my medical leave. this is the basic rundown... since i have a bunch more stuff to do today...

still no word from the lawyers that were suppose to call me last wednesday.

still getting nothing but voicemails when i call to get my medical records to submit for my medical leave extension appeal that is due by march 5th.

i finally got a hold of someone to request information about what happens if my appeal is denied. he was not able to actually answer my questions, but he was the first person to tell me he could make "tickets" for each of my requests and i should get a callback within 2 business days. so i did all that.

i'll explain something first, then tell you what my questions were...

first, i finally got a 2nd appointment with the new neurologist. the one that jacked up my appointment on january 4th ---read about that here--- i will see the new neuro, dr jewett, on monday february 1st at 1145a in the three rivers office for my 2nd consultation.

then i was finally able to get registered with the cleveland clinic. i had never heard of them before, but from what i am told they are similar to mayo clinic. they are sending me a packet to complete, and i have to come up with my past 2 years of medical records... this should be fun. i've been having enough problems getting my medical records for only the last 8 months! anywhom, cleveland clinic has my intake appointment for thursday march 25th at 10a. they told me to plan on being seen a minimum of 5 business days for tests and doctor consults galore. kinda sucks they are starting me on a thrusday, since i will have to pay for my own hotel, and throwing a weekend in there is just 2 extra nights, when i dont even know how i'm gonna afford the other 5.

here is the downside... and the questions i asked about my medical leave appeal...

the appeal board will take 45 days to approve/deny my appeal for medical leave extension. without approval, my termination date is april 25th. so i have to have my entire appeal submitted no later than march 5th. however, i dont have enough of my records right now, and it's not looking like i'll have them by march 5th... the cleveland clinic info could help my appeal, but my appointment isnt until march 25th. so what i am trying to find out is...

what happens if my first level appeal is denied, and i am fired as of april 25th? i do not have time before april 25th to file a second level appeal. so, would a second level appeal, after the fact of being fired, but also containing my cleveland clinic information, would that save my job? or would that only allow me retro pay for what i was entitled while i was still employed? and, if i do get fired, will i be retroactively billed for all of my medical that insurance has paid while i have been in appeals since september? that would be at least 5 months of medical bills that insurance has already covered... but would they hold me responsible for it after the fact?

after a terrible morning of phone calls that seemed to be going nowhere... i got 2 packages! one was from my best friend, jess! she and i have a shared art journal that we scribble in and send back and forth to each other. well, not only did i get the journal, she also sent me 3 fully-loaded cds that she made for me! i've only listened to the 1st cd so far... but her music choices are brilliant! so that made me feel all warm and fuzzy! theeen...i go another package! a few months ago, when i had a bit of money, i ordered a hoodie from the pablove foundation. they had my stuff on backorder and backorder and backorder. well, i got my stuff yesterday after getting my package from jess! yippee!

theeen... my actual snail mail showed up. i got my tax forms! heck yeah! aaand... i FINALLY got my food assistance from the state! they never called me back, and i had filed a complaint online, but i dont really care what happened on their end... i got my food assistance! they only retro-paid me $36 for october/november/december combined, but my current amount is more reasonable! i have never had to receive assistance before. this is all new to me. and while it feels good to know i can by myself groceries, it is kinda bittersweet.

last night i went to the grocery store. it was so twisted. i was happy to be getting groceries, but i was seriously holding back tears when i would have to ask a clerk "is this covered on the food card?" the state does not send you a letter or anything telling you what you can and cant buy, but there is stuff not covered, and i have zero money and didnt want to be standing at the cash register, embarrassed because i couldnt pay a balance for stuff that was not covered. in addition to necessities, i only bought 2 treats. i got my chai tea mix... and i got this braid of mozzarella cheese that is marinated in olive oil, garlic, peppers, and tons of other spices. i always look at it, but have never ever bought this cheese before, because it is $6 for 8 ounces. but i bought it for myself as a treat. and i am crying now as i tell you that. but i deserve it dagnabit!

so, this morning i made my usual phone calls. then i went and had my taxes done. i only worked about 3 and a half months in 2009... and i was only paid for 5 months of medical... so the leftovers, i'm not sure how that all works. i guess they just write it off as no income. however, i have not been able to make a house payment for 4 months, so i was worried they would garnish any refund i had, but they didnt. *sigh of relief*. i was told i should have my refund on or around february 10th.

i want to add a thanks on here to the folks that have helped me, or offered to help me, with getting food for my dogters. i am not sure if it is appropriate or not to "name names"... but you know who you are! my dogters and i are very very appreciative. and i have had tons of other offers from friends and family to be added to my list of go-to people if we need anything else! thank you from the bottom of my heart! this really means so very much to me!

and now, i need to finish up my time here at the library. the above portion was written at my house, but i was in here earlier to print off some tax stuff, and a couple of minutes ago i heard one librarian telling another that i had been here, online, once already this morning. but it was only for about 15 minutes... so i should be allowed to come back for my remaining 45!

i hope your tuesday is magnificent! please keep in your thoughts and prayers all those less fortunate than you. while i know that i am having a rough time, i do know that it could be much worse. and thanks to you for all of your love and support and thoughts and prayers!

i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.

25 January 2010

quick note!

ZOIKS! sooo much happened today! good and bad! since i'm at the library now, i dont have time to write it all... so i'll write at home tonight, save to my memory stick, and come back to library tomorrow to post it! keep your eyes peeled! this'll be good!

23 January 2010

black dog update!

i've been on medical leave for almost 9 months now. you would think i'd have figured out by now that a dognap at 6p lands me wide awake at 1a. yes, i missed the 9p doggie dinners, but they slept right through it, too!

so it's 1a now and i figured i would write.

(hopefully) by the time i post this, black dog will officially/temporarily be "mine". i have been holding off about the details, because the guy that "owns/owned" her is someone that works at the same place as me, and we know a bunch of the same people, and i wanted to wait and see how this would all work out. i found her in my yard saturday (the 16th) morning just after 9a. you can read those details here. well, i put an ad in the paper and on craigslist and a "found dog" sign in my front yard. monday and tuesday i started getting some crazy phone calls of people that were very obviously not the owners, claiming to be the owners. "it's a black dog. i dont know what breed it is. i'm not good with dogs like that." yeah, then she is not yours... and if she was, youre not gettin' her back!

tuesday i got a ton of phone calls from this guy saying it was his brother's dog. but he didnt have too many details and his brother was at work. i told him just to have his brother call me when he got out of work. tuesday came and went and no phone call from the supposed dog owner. i also received some email conversation with a lady that works with the supposed owner. she said the guy's dog is always getting out and he has talked about finding it another home. she said she would talk with him at work. wednesday came with another phone call from brother, but the owner still never called. finally, thursday i got an email late in the day from the lady co-worker that, yes, this guy's dog was missing. so, this guy knows that on saturday is dog went missing. and his brother had been calling me and him, a lot, saying "i know this is his dog"... yet the owner waited until thursday night to call me. he knew for 3 days that i had his dog. i live about 4 blocks from him and he had my phone number.

owner calls. we talk for a bit. i tell him i work the same place as him and we kinda figure out if we might know each other. i work 3rd shift at one end of the plant and he works days at the exact opposite end of the plant. we talk for a while, and i suggest a few times that he can come to my house or i can bring her to his house. he kinda slides out of responding to that by talking more about the dog. he had 2 dogs, and 1 died a while back and he says this dog has been crazy since then. he puts her in the yard (which he claims has a vinyl fence) and she digs her way out. when she got out saturday, he had put her in the yard for the day while he was at work.

let me pause right here to say it was in the fucking 20*s that day! and he was going to leave her out there for 10 hours?!

okay, back to topic. since i am past the point of making this long story short... he kept making comments like, "you have dogs? maybe they want a friend." and "you can keep her if you want." and "are you sure you dont want her?" ... finally i said, "are you serious?" i told him i have 2 dogs of my own and i cant own 3 within the city limits, but that i would gladly keep her until i could find her a new home. i didnt want him taking her back just to throw her in the yard again and she gets out again and gets hit by a car or something. i would be miserable. i said i have some good leads on a home for her. and he said that would be fine. he said, "well, she has an appointment on saturday. i was gonna get her shots." i was like, ooohhh great, what is wrong with her? he claims she is due for he annual shots. i told him i have been on medical leave for 8 months and i cant afford that expense. he actually offered to pick her up 9a saturday (today), take her to get her shots and license, and bring her back to me. i said, "well how do you want to do this? would you like to come over and see her or i can bring her over so you can say 'goodbye' or something?" he said no, he would just see her on saturday. and that was basically it.
i got off the phone flabbergasted that he wouldnt want such an amazing dog... but relieved that 1) i didnt have to keep looking for her owner, but most important, that i knew she would be with me and be loved until i could find her a forever family.

then i got to thinking. he could easily just pick her up from my house saturday, drive her around for a bit without getting her shots, then bring her back and i wouldnt know. except i would, because she needs her vaccine records to get a license.

friday, yesterday, a friend gave me $25 for doggie food. i went to walmart (where i usually go) but they had raised their prices... again. so i went to kroger. i dont go to kroger, but i wanted to see if they were any cheaper. not much. but they did have KaiYin's food in stock. walmart didnt. as i was standing there staring at mountains of dogfood realizing that $25 would cover my 2 dogs for a week, but no way in hell it was gonna feed this dog, i decided to call the owner. i told him i am broke and cant really afford to feed 3 dogs right now, and i am standing in the dogfood aisle to get my dogs' food, could he please bring me the food he has for black dog? he said he would bring it on saturday. i tried to make it clear that i needed it friday, but he was insistent he would bring it when he picked her up saturday morning. that's when i said, "well, i wanted to talk with you about that. i can just meet you at the vet at 9a. not a problem. the vet you go to is by my ma's house and i'm taking her to meet my ma after she is done anyway." he was like, "nah. i only live a couple blocks from you, i can pick her up." but i insisted i would meet him there. and really, what can he do? i've got her. i'll leave early and wait there, that way he doesnt cut me off in my driveway. i need to make sure she has her shots!

so, that is that for now. it is 230a saturday morning and i need to meet him at 9a at the vet across town. i'm not trying to look down on this guy or talk bad about him. i'm not going to tell you his name, since we do in fact know a bunch of the same people and work at the same place. but i will say, no matter who you are or who you know, you can figure it out for yourself that it sucks that someone that has "owned" a dog for at least 2 years, a dog that is extremely well-behaved and affectionate, it sucks that that person would know their dog is gone for 3 days, then for 3 additional days they know the exact house it is at only 4 blocks away from their home, and the phone number, but they dont call to check on the dog. that just breaks my heart. i am so happy that black dog is (fingers crossed) going to be staying with me. even if just for a little while. i know that she will be well loved and taken care of here. and i know that i will find her an outstanding home with a happy doggie life and family.

wow! this morning seemed to take forever! i got to the vet about 845a. he was suppose to meet me there for her appointment at 9a. the receptionist came out to see if i was dropping her off for her bath. i said no, i thought she was getting shots... and that i have already given her 2 baths at my house. i explained the situation, and the girl was very understanding. "owner" didnt show up until 930a! her appointment was at 9a! ha came in, didnt really pay much attention to black dog, then he said he just wanted to pay and leave. he didnt want to stay for the appointment itself. well, there was still 10 minutes left on her fecal test to see if she has worms. if she had worms, it would cost more for her meds. so they asked him to wait at least 10 minutes. reluctantly, he went in to the exam room with me and black dog. that was super uncomfortable! i was trying to be civil and not say much, but i was really bothered with the entire situation. buuut... *he* is paying for her shots to be updated, so i had to be thankful for that since i have no money. i just had to stick it out.

vets came in, no worms, which meant no meds, so they gave her her shots and we went out to pay. he paid for everything and we transferred her license to me. we walked out, i got the leftover dogfood he had (not much at all) and we went our separate ways. i was sooo relieved that she was sitting in my jeep with me as he drove away. he did say that if i dont find a home, call him, and he might take her back. but it didnt feel sincere. maybe he's just a guy that doesnt show emotions well, i dont know. but i can guarantee i'm going to find her the bestest home ever! until then, i know that she is being loved and cared for all the time!

when i kept waking all night last night, at one point i was trying to clear my head. so i cleaned out the few boxes that were in the spare room and moved black dog upstairs. i am more comfortable with this now since she has her shots. but now she is upstairs with us, has a warm bed and toys and windows to look out and tons of love. i know there doesnt seem to be anything else i could say... there is... but i really dont have time! ma is picking me up at 430p today to go see one of her friends. so i need to get this done, save it, go up to the library, post this, check my emails, back to the house to shower and eat (assuming i can hold something down), do another round of doggie potty walks, then it will prolly be time for ma to get me.

i want to thank all of you that have been and still are willing to help me and my dogters! (here come the tears) i know i always have something to say, and words seldom fail me, but i just cant express to you how much it means to know and feel loved and supported. especially by some people you hardly know... or you havent seen in years! it means so very much to me and i could never thank you enough. i love you, love you, love you all! and not just for the dogfood! but i think you know that!

my dogters send you all pooches smooches!
much love.
be well.
~Angela, KaiYin, Loki, and "Black Dog" (until we get a new name!)

22 January 2010

angela update-ish and request for dogter help

by now, most of you know that my home internet was disconnected. i couldnt pay the bill. i suppose it is a luxury anywhom. the library only allows 1 hour internet access per person per day. so what i decided to do is write on my home computer word program, save it to my memory stick, then just post it real quick at the library, therefore saving quality internet time! i'm such a smart cookie!

i have been checking email on my phone. there is a lag time on when my yahoo account will update on my phone. i havent figure out the specific amount of time. just wanted you to know that i dont get all the emails right away. aaand, internet on my phone drains my battery, so there's that, too.

last night i went to bed super early since i had to be up at 6a to make it to my early dr appointment in kalamazoo (1 hour drive 1 way). i barely slept. i was up about twice an hour every hour. no exaggeration. and of course, the more you *try* to sleep, the less likely you are to be able to sleep. tooo many thoughts and tooo much pain.

no new news with the docs. a couple weeks ago they did another blood draw to retest some labs they have been doing on a regular basis. not all of my blood work is back, but what has come back all came back "normal". whatever that means at this point. i'm not sure they even know.

found black dogs owner. i cant release many details right now. i'll be able to share more after this weekend. but i do know that it looks like i am keeping her. i'll fill you in on the details when i am at liberty. i know this may be a lot to ask, especially since i havent given you the complete details of the situation, but i need to ask my friends and family to please help me with dog food. if i only have bread and water, that is for me to deal with. i understand. my dogs dont understand. i realize that taking on a 3rd dog (just until i find her a forever home) might not be the smartest idea if i am having trouble keeping food for my own 2 dogs. but i know, without a doubt, that she will be much happier and get so much more love and attention with me. and in a way, it helps me. i cant do anything right now. i havent been able to do anything. (apparently i cant even write this without tears) i cant fold laundry or brush my teeth or wash dishes... etc... without increasing pain. but just being able to sit with my dogs, and black dog, and let them know they are loved and i will do anything for them... it helps me feel needed and feel like i am doing something. even if it is just sitting with a dog and letting it know i care. so i am asking for help to get some dogfood for these 3 girls. KaiYin is the only one with a specific diet. i dont have money for her white rice and cottage cheese diet that the vet recommends. but the only dogfood that hasnt yet upset her tummy (we've tried them all) is the purple bag, dry food, iams active maturity for 7+ years old. the other two, Loki and Black Dog, they dont care what they eat.

i know things are tight for everyone these days. and i dont want you feeling pressured or obligated to help us. if you want to make a "loan" and not a "donation" just let me know what i owe you. believe me, i have an IOU list that i can add you to! and I WILL PAY YOU BACK! IF I OWE YOU MONEY, I WILL PAY YOU BACK!

i've received a few emails and comments during conversation that i would like to clear up.

one is "at least there are always credit cards". this is not the case for me. i am 33 years old and i have never had a credit card. so i am not able to "get by", without a paycheck, on credit cards, like some people do. i havent had a paycheck since september. closing in on 5 months without a dime of income or government assistance. believe me, i've tried! read my previous posts if you would like to know more. what i am trying to say is this, if i dont have cash, i dont have any money. now, i am not trying to make you feel sorry for me. i have been trying to sell stuff from my house and storage unit to make some cash to pay bills. i few of my friends and family have helped when they can, but like i said, times are tough for everyone. even if you cant afford to help me, if you know someone looking for a fridge or stove or something, send them my direction! that's enough for me! hell, if you know someone looking to buy a house, even better!

another comment is a wide range, but "at least you dont have to go to work" is the underlying message. i would love to be able to work right now! i never thought i would be saying that! this is not a vacation for me! in the hopes of selling my house quickly, i put everything into storage. so now, this house is pretty much empty. all that is here is the dining set i am trying to sell, my nephew's old twin bed that the dogs and i sleep in, and my teevee (which i am also trying to sell). i literally only have a suitcase of clothes. everything else i own is in storage! everything! my teevee only gets 2 channels, pbs and travel channel. big woop. i'm not a teevee addict anywhom. but with nothing else to do, the limited options suck. and now that i dont have internet, i'm almost completely disconnected. so i sit here, all day and night, alone with my dogs, me in pain, with tooo many thoughts in my head. this is not a vacation. this is miserable. with my hand / arm / shoulder pain and limitations, i cant hand-write or draw much at all. defiantly not able to attempt guitar pickin. and i havent been able to make any of my hand-bound journals to sell. i'm stuck.

i'm drowning. and i dont expect any of you to float in a cruise ship and sail me away... but if anyone has a life preserver, i would greatly appreciate it!

right now the help i am asking for is dogfood. did i mention that?! sorry if i am dragging this out.

i keep my heat down and just layer on the clothes. i have just about every blanket and sheet that i own on the bed so my dogters and i can curl up and keep warm together. they are like my little space heaters! i dont do laundry until i have a full load. i wear layers and layers of clothes. stocking hats, gloves and scarves at all times. i use as little water as possible (unless my pain is really really bad then i take a hot shower to help ease it a bit). i dont want anyone to think i am being frivolous. i dont want you to think if you loan me money i'm going out to eat or clothes shopping. i just need enough to get by.

i am hoping to get my tax stuff in the mail next week. since i only worked about 4 months last year, and the remaining pay i did get was medical pay, and i didnt get any pay from september - current, i dont know what is going to happen when i file my taxes. i cant imagine i will owe anything... but i also havent been able to make a house payment for 4 months. do they garnish any of that from my tax refund? i dont know how all of this works. i have never been in a situation like this before.

well, i am going to stop for now with my sob story. gonna run this up to post online at the library. then home to curl up with my dogters and take a nap (since last night's slumber was a failure).

thanks again and always for your support and love and thoughts and prayers and vibes and smoke signals and everything. if you need my phone number or address for any reason, let me know, or get with someone who prolly knows. please be considerate about sharing my digits and such. if you are not sure, just ask me. for instance, if you want to continue to be my friend/family, i would not advise giving my contact info to... let's say... my high school sweetheart's fiancee, or the guy at the local "cash for gold" place that keeps emailing me on myspace... use your noggin!

and on that note...
Be Well.
and hey... send me some updates about you and yours! i am going insane with my own "life"... fill me in on yours so i can escape mine for a while!

19 January 2010

more angela medical junk

i dont know where to begin, so i'll just dive in.

i know everyone keeps telling me to file a complaint here, call this person, call these people, send an email online here, you need a lawyer, blah blah blah... do this this this... my head is spinning and i am going to explode! i have enough stress trying to deal with my medical issues and daily physical limitations... all this paperwork is driving me more mad! i know i need to get it all done. but at this point i honestly dont think i am going to save my job by april.

i keep making phone calls and phone calls and emails and faxes... but if these people dont reply to me in a timely manner, i am screwed. so it's not that i am not doing what i need to do... it's that the people i need help from arent cooperating. it is not my fault if a doctor reschedules an appointment, or i just can get in for another month. it is not my fault if i call and call every single office every single day and still no one has answers or medical records or my medical leave extension application isnt filled out. it is not my fault if i leave message after voicemail after message and no one calls me back. none of this is my fault! i know this! but, honestly, am i suppose to sue everyone?

i spoke with my medical leave rep yesterday. i was hoping she could help me with some much needed answers. she couldnt. and really, wouldnt. she said that actually she is no longer my rep. she said that she was my rep during my first application for medical leave extension. however, since i was denied, i now have to appeal. an appeal will consist of a new medical board and a new rep. but a new board and rep wont be assigned until i have submitted everything for my appeal. she said that once i send them a letter saying "this is the last of it, please start my appeal" then they will compile a board and give me a new rep. i asked her who is suppose to answer the questions i have now... she said i just have to send in everything i get or already have. i was like, wait wait wait... you have my entire file that started last april for medical leave that was approved, do i have to re-gather all that and submit it again? she said she couldnt answer that. what the fuck?! i said "so i'm just suppose to send in what may or may not be complete, on a hope and a prayer, and just wait?" she said, "well, if you are denied, there is a second level appeal." WHAT?! NO!!! i told her i dont have time for that! if i dont get this to turn in my favor by april 25th, 2010, i lose my job! i asked how long it takes the appeals board to make a decision... she said about 45 days. holy shit. this was the last straw before my breakdown yesterday.

when i filed for financial assistance thru the state (for the first time in my life) back in october 2009, i was told the process should only take 30 days. well, it's been over 3 months and i still dont have anything. hell, my dhs case worker wont return my calls or emails. my employer wont fill out the form i need for dhs assistance. my employer says the form has to go thru a special service. a service, of course, that dhs so far will not honor. so at this point i havent been able to get any state assistance.

i have been fortunate enough that a few of my family and friends lend me money when they can. but i'm racking up some serious IOUs. i hate this. i NEVER ask for help or money. i'm always the one taking care of other people. i think i am most irritated that i am having to borrow from family and friends when i should be getting medical leave pay and state assistance. i have never ever filed for assistance. but i have paid in taxes all my working life. and from what i can tell, most of the people that are getting what was my hard-earned money, are people that take advantage of the system. now, now, calm down... i'm not saying if you are on state assistance you are taking advantage. but you know who i am talking about. the people that use their unemployment to buy smokes and alcohol... and yadda yadda yadda. i dont think i need to detail what you already know.

some people are asking me "why dont you just go back to work? show them you cant do the job." or "just go back to work and deal with the pain." well, for one, it is dangerous for myself and my co-workers. also, i dont have a specific job to go back to. after i had been off for 6 months, my job was given away. so, as my employer calls it, i am still "attached" to the company... but if/when i am able to come back, i have to apply for, interview for, and be awarded a new position within the company. but wait! i cant do that... why?... because since my extended medical leave was denied, i have been on UNexcused absence since september 2009. sooo... i NEED this medical leave extension appeal to be approved before april 25, 2010 or i lose my jobby job. i have been with this company for 7 years. i dont know what else to say about it.

thank you for reading all of these scattered thoughts i put out to the world that is cyber.
and thank you for your continued support and love.
i love you all oodles and bunches and i hope all is well with you and yours!

18 January 2010

bad day

the rest of my day/night is gonna be used to expel every last tear in my body & sleep. i cant control it right now, so i'm just gonna let it flow. get it all out. everything just keeps getting worse. i do all i can, every day, & it hasnt been enough. just when i think it cant get worse, it does. please, no house guests. i cant think or comprehend or really function. if you dont hear from me, no worries. i havent done anything to myself. my phone & internet might get disconnected. being without a paycheck since sept'09 makes it hard to pay bills. hopefully my tax forms will come in so i can get a little relief.

17 January 2010

friday's fiasco getting my medical records from "doctor" mahmood

here it is. the over-due and highly anticipated update regarding my friday fiasco with getting my medical records from bad neurologist dr mahmood.

as i have mentioned many many times before, my medical leave extension was denied due to conflicting and incomplete medical records submitted to my employer by dr mahmood. i wont rehash ALL of the many many terrible issues i had with this "doctor"... you can read previous posts if you want to learn more. anywhom. after making multiple phone calls and leaving multiple unreturned voice mails, i finally just called his office and made an appointment. my appointment was last thursday the 14th. click here to see what happened in that appointment. well, no one called me thursday afternoon like they were suppose to. so i called thursday evening and left a message for the office admin, patty.

patty called me first thing friday morning. i was surprised. she asked "what can i do for you?" i laughed and said "do you really have to ask?!" she said yes. i told her. she said she would do some investigating and call me back. so she did. she said that yes she did compare the letters that dr mahmood wrote me, against the information they submitted on my medical leave extension application, and that yes, in fact, the application info was wrong and the letters to remove me from work due to disability were right. she said that she would correct that and resubmit it. i gave her all the contact info she needed to resubmit. she also said "i have your entire chart spread out across my office floor right now..." and that she could have it ready and waiting for me to pick up at the front desk about 2p or 3p. this was about noon, and i told her that i live an hour away and need to get a ride, but i would be there to get them asap. she said that would be fine.

she called me just a bit after 2p and said she would be going to a meeting at 230p. i told her i was still about 10 minutes from the hospital. she said my file was waiting for me but she had to go. i said okay.

ma and i got to borgess hospital and went upstairs to neurology. i went to the front desk and was happy to see the 2 nice girls that i like. they said yep, just a second, and they got me my "file". she handed me a VERY thin manila envelope. really?! ma and i thought it was a joke. we got in the elevator and opened the envelope. what a joke!!! there were 9 pages total. 2 pages were a letter to my primary care that i already had. 1 page was literally just a one-line signature page. and the other 6 pages were test results that were performed in a different office!

there was no copy of the new patient packet that i filled out regarding my identification, current medical problems, past medical problems, medications, allergies, family history, social history...etc...
no initial intake notes,
no progress notes,
no referal notes,
no dictations or doctor's notes,
no notes regarding the medications i was prescribed by this "doctor",
nothing else!
off the top of my head, i have seen this neurologist at least 5 times. and *this* was all they had for me?! ma and i were laughing in disbelief all the way to the car! i knew that admin patty said she was in a meeting until 4p... so i didnt even bother trying to call her. ma and i laughed at the statement patty had made "i've got your entire chart spread out across my office floor right now." really?! all 9 pages?! why didnt you just use your desk?!

and i told ma that it wouldnt make a difference if they *did* correct my medical leave extension application, becuase they dont have ANY written medical documentation to support it! what i joke! is all i keep thinking!

what to do after that? as we drove out of borgess hospital parking lot, i called the hospital and asked for the girl that i thought was the girl that had given me secret info before.

she got on the phone, i said who i was,
she said "yeah honey, i know who you are."
i asked if she was allowed to or willing to talk with me?
she said "sure. what do you need?"
i told my secret nurse that i would NOT do ANYTHING to put her job in jeopardy and thanked her over and over for all her help. i told her i just needed to talk with someone within the office that i felt would be honest with me and that i really appreciate all she has done for me.
i asked "are you the person that called me back in august and september and told me my files were gone?"
she said yes.
i told her what i just recieved as my "complete file" and asked her if this was normal or was there stuff missing?
she said someone stepped in her office and put on hold really quick.
she got back on the phone.
i asked "did they lose/misplace my stuff or did they simply not give it to me?"
she said "the first one."
so they lost or misplaced everything?
she said yes.
then she kinda covered her mouth while she talked in the phone saying, "really quick, dr mahmood was asked 4 times to dictate and he never did. what he did get done, his assistant mary was suppose to have dictated, and she never did. which is why neither of them wanted to talk with you."
i thanked her again and reassured her i would not use her name, then we hung up.

glorious! what happens now? well, i am making a list of people to call and things to say/ask. a family friend that has been a medical admin in michigan, nevada and arizona says that i need to contact the hospital risk management department, file a complaint with the department of community health (which gets them investigated by the state board of physicians), contact the wage and hour board of michigan, and follow through with a lawyer... along with a slew of other in-depth stuff. i will be doing all that i can, but i'll tell ya, my head is spinning! all of this bullshit to go thru just to get a doctor to do his fucking job... and oh yeah, by the way, I'M STILL IN PAIN and not diagnosed yet! i am still going thru trial tests and treatments!

another thing i am going to do is try to get MYSELF into mayo or cleveland clinic. my current docs want to wait for this and this and this and that... but i dont have time! i have been off work for almost 9 months now and i am on the verge of losing my job... not to mention i still have not been figured out yet!

yeah, so, that is what happened on friday when i went to get my medical records. what a joke. what a joke. what a joke. is all i can think of. if you have ANY suggestions or knowledge of what to do or say or ask in a situation like this, please let me know asap! i am compiling lists and note cards so that my phone conversations will go as smoothly as possible.

thanks so much for your love and well wishes.
i appreciate every last bit!
i love you all oodles and bunches!
be well.

15 January 2010

good news?!

*exhale* i just got off of 6 phone calls in a row! sounds like admin at dr mahmood's office is trying to correct this! she said she will have my medical records ready for me to pick up by about 2p or 3p today. she said she *did* review what was filled out on my medical leave application in comparison to the letters dr mahmood had written, and YES it is wrong and she will try to correct it and resubmit it! ma got sent home from work early today, so she is gonna pick me up and take me to borgess to get my file today. i need to go get ready! since i was told some of my file is missing, i am hoping what they *do* have is going to be enough to get my appeal approved and i can get retro-pay since the denial and keep my jobby job! i am trying to keep positive! however, i *am* still in pain and still a guinea pig to the tests and treatments they are trying. but for now, let's just hope my appeal goes thru! I LOVE YOU ALL AND THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT AND LOVE!

14 January 2010

update regarding meeting with bad neurologist about medical leave denial

oh this is all just such a mess. i went to see my previous neurologist, dr mahmood, at borgess today. i wanted to discuss with him the fact that his documentation and lack of medical records was the reason my medical leave extension was denied. i wanted to ask him if he could please correct this.

sis went with me to be my witness. i tried to voice record with my phone, but i kept losing service and the phone shut off. oh well. i got there. checked in a few minutes early. got called back. and dr mahmood's evil nurse, mary, weighed me in and took my vitals. this was confusing to me since i was just there for a meeting to talk about medical leave paperwork... but i played along. then she asked me some "new patient" kind of info which, again, i thought was odd. asked me allergies and such... even though they should have all of that already. then evil nurse mary asked me why i was there. i calmly showed her the paperwork discrepancies, and told her that i would like to speak with dr mahmood directly to get this taken care of. she jumped me right away. "you and i have already had this conversation, months ago." and she went on and on telling me that they sent everything they had to my employer and if my employer is saying they dont have it then they are lying. i told her that yes, she and i did talk about this many times before, but that was all while i was trying to get the medical leave application filed. i said since then, with the conflicting and incomplete documentations that dr mahmood gave them, now i have been denied medical leave and i am on the verge of losing my job. i would just like to talk with dr mahmood myself and give him the chance to correct this situation before i lose my job. mary was not havin' it. she asked how i got in there. i said i made an appointment. she said "did the office manager pull strings to get you in here today?" (do they have a mugshot of me and i'm not allowed in?!) i said no one pulled any strings. i simply called the front desk and made an appointment. i also left 3 voicemails last week for 3 different people (and named them) and told them why i was coming in today. no one called me back. i kept my cool though. she said she would make copies of the papers i gave her, talk to the dr and be right back.

while she was gone sis and i talked and i just kept trying to stay calm. i was so nervous. sis and i noticed it seemed to be taking forever. then the door opened. it was a lady i hadnt seen before. she said that she would be mediating the situation. she said that dr mahmood knows i am upset and is not comfortable coming in and speaking with me. what?! i said yes, i am upset, but i'm not going to attack him or anything. geesh. i just want to talk to him about this and give him the chance to fix this before i lose my job. she said that unfortunately the administrative manager was not in the office today. she explained that she was just another nurse type of person, and she was asked to come in and get me to sign a release and ask me to leave. she said she would pass along any message to the admin and hopefully someone would get back to me soon. she was very nervous. she said that dr mahmood wanted me to know that since he couldnt do anything for me, he released me as his patient in august and there was no reason for me to be there now. i said, well, the thing is, i dont believe it wasnt that he couldnt do anything for me. i think that after all of his incompetence over the course of my being his patient, and i didnt just take it from him, i came into the office and asked to be treated fairly and properly, the office manager had a talk with dr mahmood and his nurse mary. my next (and last) appointment, mary came in and said she was asked to apologize to me for everything that happened. dr mahmood then said he didnt feel there was anything he could do to treat me, and said he would release me back to my primary care. i told the mediating nurse today that i felt like it wasnt that he couldnt help me, it was that i caused a commotion and he got rid of me.

evil nurse mary opened the door and said that she just talked with admin and they would be calling me this afternoon. mary left, but left the door open.

i was remembering that in august, when mary got in trouble, i got a phone call from someone else in neurology. she said she does not work with dr mahmood, but she has been hearing about my situation and thought she should call. she said that the majority of my medical records have been lost, and they dont know what to do about it, so they are doing nothing. she only gave me her first name and said she could lose her job over this, but she felt badly for me. i wrote down everything she told me. she and i even faxed back and forth and she was trying to scavenge up some paperwork to help me out.

i asked this mediation nurse if she could close the door again. she said, well, they are in the hallway and want to hear our conversation. how fucking lame! really?! so, she said i need you to sign this and someone will call you later. i was like, i aint signin' nothin'! but she explained to me it was just a request/release for me to get my medical records. i read over it and signed and dated it. i told her i have been asking for my medical records for months and months and why are they only now letting me have them? she didnt know.

i was pleasantly surprised when my sis jumped in. she asked the significance of the fact that i have multiple letters in dr mahmoods hand-writing that state i am unable to work due to disability. good nurse looked nervous. she just put the letter copies on the top of the pile, put her hand on them, and said "these are legitimate." as she got up to walk out of the room, i stayed seated. she turned and was kinda like, c'mon. i asked, "am i waiting for you to get my records now?" and she said no, they would prolly mail them to me, but that admin would call me and anything after today would have to go thru admin. i said well, i live an hour away, and i would really like to take my records with me now. she said she would check, but asked us to wait in the hall waiting area. so sis and i had a seat down the hall.

i told sis i was kinda surprised she spoke up. she said she had a lot more to ask/say, but she realized we werent getting anywhere. i started going thru my paperwork looking for the name of the nurse i had talked to in august that was trying to secretly help me. found it. same first name. that's what i thought. and that is prolly why she was so nervous. evil nurse mary was on vacation the week i talked with good nurse, so i dont think mary ever knew about it. i know i never mentioned it. so, i think good nurse was freaking when she was randomly thrown in as mediator today. she might have been afraid i was going to rat her out. but i didnt.

good nurse came back, and said that medical records dept was in a meeting or something and that they would gather my stuff later and mail it to me. i said, i dont want them using the "it must have been lost in the mail" so i would prefer to come back and pick them up in person. she said she understood, but it is out of her hands and i could talk to admin when they call me this afternoon.

then she kinda looked up and down the hall, and pulled sis and i to a side room. she said that way no one could overhear us talking. i told her that i really appreciated her helping (didnt mention that i thought i knew she had helped me before) and that i am not frustrated with her personally. i told her that she might want to relay the message that i have talked with 2 lawyers, and both of them believe i have a case, but both of them also suggested i contact the doctor, myself, and give him the opportunity to correct this situation. if he isnt willing to right what he did wrong, then i could talk legal action. she tried to console me, we talked a bit more. then sis and i left. it was maybe 1130a.

all day... not one single phone call from anyone in dr mahmood's office. go figure. i called just before 5p. hoping i would catch the admin, but i got the answering service. (voicemail only during business hours then answering service after hours) answering service kindly took my info and said it would be given to patty first thing when she gets to the office in the morning.

so, i will give her until lunch time tomorrow (friday). if i dont hear anything, i will call in the afternoon. if i get her voicemail and dont get to talk with her myself, i will leave her a message that says if i do not hear from her by the end of business friday, i will be at her office first thing, 8a, monday morning. i have done this in the past. and more than once i have had to show up in person to get any attention.

hell, when i had bloodwork done at one point, dr mahmood told me that the results should be back in 4 days. i asked if i needed an appointment to get the results. he said no, just call the office and we can tell you over the phone what the results are and we will discuss where to go from there. i called. and called. i called 29 times in 19 days and still did not get the results or return phone calls. finally i showed up. i was told that nurse mary has my results, but that dr mahmood did not sign them before he left the country for 3 weeks so they could not release my results. even as i sat there, in person, they would not give me my bloodwork results. i wont delve back into all of that. but you can see this has been a miserable dr-patient relationship. in the meantime, i am still sick and in pain and havent been paid since september and now on the verge of losing my job. all because of him. so, yeah, i think i have every right to be upset. and i think he needs to be a fucking man and stand up and make this right. are you kidding me?! he cant even be man enough to sit in the same room and have an adult conversation about this?! gaaa! i am beyond frustrated! i vent outside of the dr office, but i have maintained a very civil decorum thru this entire ordeal. people keep saying "kill 'em with kindness" and "dont get upset or angry when you talk to them or they wont help"... what the chicken?! they havent helped yet?! how long am i suppose to be kind and civil? how long do i wait before blowing up? do i have to actually get fired just to be "allowed" to get pissed off?! *for now* i will stay as calm as i can. i will be civil and try to keep enough cool to get what i need to make this right. but i still think i should have every right to throw a tantrum. but that's just me.

whew! that was forever long! if you made it this far, i thank you for your time and patience with my ventilation rant. sometimes i just need to get this junk out. thank you for all of your positive thoughts, prayers, vibes, well wishes... etc. i really do appreciate it more than i can put into words. thank you from the bottom of my heart.

most of you know i'm not really a "religious person" (whatever that means nowadays). anywhom... for years now i have carried a coin with me wherever i go. i have more than one of the same coin. they are all over my house so that i always have one. i originally bought a bunch of them when my very dear friend lost his father. his father had been sober for 22 years when he passed. aa was a huge part of his life. "one day at a time" had a very deep meaning. well, i was at a shop one day and saw a bunch of coins on the counter. they all had different sayings and prayers. one said "one day at a time" and i flipped it over to find the serenity prayer. i knew this was a big deal in aa. i bought a bunch of them, and gave them to my friend shortly after his dad's funeral. i kept some for myself as well. i have never read the bible. i couldnt tell you much about anything to do with the bible really. but i know the serenity prayer. and i carry this with me and even though i may not always seem like i take it with much consideration, it really does mean something to me. and i really do want to live my life with that "motto". i will keep trying. one day at a time.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

i love you all.
be well.

10 January 2010

let's help each other!

it's pretty well known that i have been on medical leave for way too long. docs are still trying to figure me out. i have zero income right now. so, i am trying to think of creative ways i can make some money without hurting myself due to my medical restrictions. someone pointed out to me that i should do resumes for people. i love to do that sort of thing, and it's not physically strenuous. so, if you need a resume, let me know, and we can work something out. i do cover letters and all.

07 January 2010

(quick) medical update #8

okay, so, this is going to be a quick update because i am uber tired and have to leave at 630a tomorrow for 2 doctor appointments about an hour and a half drive (one way). then ma is having a lia sophia jewelry party at 7p. tomorrow is going to be a looong day.

i left really early so that i could take my time driving since the weather is miserable. i knew i had plenty of time, so i made some stops along the way and took some photos... as you can see in the new album i posted.

got to the dr office early, and they said it was actually kinda a slow day, so my doc was able to spend 2 hours with me! yay! i see karen wessendorf at promed in three rivers, michigan as my primary care and i absolutely LOVE her!

without going in too deep with details, this is what went down...
the 2 cancers tests i took came back negative. that is great!
but i still have problems, so she is trying a different med for one of them.
they drew more blood for more tests.
went over everything that has been going on, onset tll now. brainstormed a ton of stuff.
she is keeping me on the low dose anti-d, celexa, i have been on and also putting me on cymbalta, which i guess is used to treat both chronic pain and depression/anxiety. i think my depression/anxiety levels wouldnt be so bad if i didnt have chronic pain. but who knows.
i despise taking meds at all. i especially freak out when i have to take more than one at the same time. 1) i have esophagus issues and i'm sure some kind of mental block that makes me not be able to swallow pills easily. 2) i get totally freaked that i'm going to die from mixing meds. i know, i know, the doctor says it is fine... but it still makes me uneasy. i live alone. and i get afraid that by the time someone finds me, my starving dogs will have eaten me. but maybe that's just all the horror flicks i've seen. so, that being said, it's 830p now. i am taking my pills and going to bed after i post this. if you dont see a post from me by 630a (when i need to leave for dr appointments tomorrow) you should send someone to my house. i'm just sayin'.

still no news from the new neurologist that i saw on monday. i was hoping they would have gotten all my files from other docs by now and at least be able to tell me if they are going to see me again... but when i called today, nothing. blargh.

i'm getting feedback that people at work are pissed because they think they are working overtime to cover for me. but that is not the case. when i hit the 6 month mark on medical leave, i was told my job would be given away. so, technically, i do not have a specific position within the company now. i am only "attached" to the company with no specific job. that is what i was told. so to those people that are picking up the slack from what was *going to be* my spot, you are not covering for me. if no one was hired to replace me when they took my job away in october, that is not my fault. pass it along. and stop glaring at me in public and talking behind my back to people that are my real friends and you surely know will tell me. get over yourselves. i have done all i can and so much more trying to keep my job AND keep my sanity trying to get better from an illness no one has been able to diagnose. just be lucky you even have a job... let alone overtime.

i mentioned that my ma is having a lia sophia jewelry party tomorrow. it is at her place at 7p friday the 8th... tomorrow! if you would like to come, please do! with all that has been crazy lately, she was not able to get out as many invites as she wanted. so, if you would like to be there, you can just show up at my ma's house... if you need address or phone numbers or directions... just let me know and i will private message you!

okay kids... i'm off to curl up with my dogters. thanks for all of your well wishes while i have been going thru this difficult time. i really appreciate you!
much love.
be well.

05 January 2010

5 days in and no change from 2009 to 2010

to be honest, i dont even know what to say. i mean, i know i can form the words to tell you what has happened in the first 4 days of what was suppose to be my new year with new hope and resolution. maybe 4 days isnt enough time to judge the remaining 361. but this year isnt turning around from the last, at all really.

first part of this post is about my phone... so if you just want my medical update, scroll down!

thursday i was out with ma getting some groceries, and my phone died. again. same thing that happened last time. just went to a blank screen and would not reboot. since we were already out, ma took me to the sprint tech shop in kalamazoo. most of you know that kzoo is about an hour from my house. but it is also the closest tech shop for sprint phone repairs. also, most of you know that this will be the 5th phone replacement in 11 months. so, i took it in. dropped it off. suppose to go back monday to pick it up. since i didnt have a phone over the weekend, the sprint rep emailed me with this: "We are going to replace your phone, but we do have special instructions that we will need to discuss when you come in." what kind of special instructions? this was odd. but i guess i would just have to wait and see.
well, sunday morning ma wanted to go to kzoo to look for some after christmas sales. so i tagged along, and she took me to the sprint shop. they gave me my replacement phone, but said they dont know why this keeps happening. the first time it happened, it was on the charger, and when i took it off the charger, it powered down and never came back on. the tech said it was entirely NOT my fault. it looked like it was in the middle of an update and froze. i said i was never prompted for an update, and he said it was probably an auto-system update. this time it was sitting in my lap in the car, and when i went to use it, it didnt work. the "special instructions" were that i must have again interrupted an update which caused the phone to freeze. so next time i am prompted for an update, select "no" and bring the phone to the store so they can do the update for me. i told them that i was never ever prompted for an update. i asked "cant you look in your system and see the last time a system update was made on my phone?!" they said no. they dont have access to that. they added that this would be the last phone replacement they would do for me since i have had excessive replacements. i was like whoa whoa whoa! this was not my fault! i did not break my phone! if i did something, i would tell you. but i did NOTHING. i went down the list of the 5 times the phone has had to be replaced and the 4 different things that went wrong with each phone. NONE of them were operator error. it was all tech stuff. i also told them that i had seen 7 different sprint reps in 3 weeks trying to get this fixed and they all said it was nothing i did, and the phone just needed to be replaced, not repaired. so the customer service girl asked if i wanted to talk to a tech. hell yes! she took me to the back to the tech area. there was more than 1 person back there, so i just talked to everyone hoping someone would feel my pain and have a better solution. i said, so, what youre telling me is that you have never seen this happen more than once before, you dont know why it is happening or how, you have no way to search your system for recent updates on my phone, but you are so sure it was my fault, that you are telling me if anything, at all, ever goes wrong with my phone again, you will not replace it?! then they pawned it off on a tech that wasnt there saying maybe i should come back and talk with her the next day. i said yeah, i would come back, but that i would also be speaking with sprint corporate because this is completely miserable. i had asked before about getting a completly different model phone. i said i absolutely love this lg lotus (aside from the fact the camera has no flash), but if it's going to have all these issues, i guess i need something different and more reliable. i was told it's not the phone, they havent seen this many problems with the lotus, and that i am not eligible for an upgrade anyway, so i would have to pay street cost for a different phone. i told them that a rep i spoke to at a different sprint store told me about a "secret department" that i could call and tell my story to and they would give me some crazy upgrade for a phone that was practically filled with rocket science capabilities. i told her i dont need something expensive and fancy, i just want my lotus and i want it to work!
fine fine fine, i gave up the conversation and said i would just take the replacement lotus and deal with any other problems IF they happened. all the while in the back of my mind i was composing my conversation i would have with corporate. so, i get back to the front and the sales girl is replacing the phone. she says maybe this one wont have issues since it is new out of the box. i told her i had new out of the box before. she was like "really? i thought they just repaired before?" i said nooo, i have all the boxes and everything at my house.

-flashback to when i asked a guy if maybe their store had a bad batch of lotus phones or something along those lines and he told me "no. it doesnt work like that. i think you just have bad luck." and i nearly broke down crying in the store. me?! bad luck?! he didnt even know a fraction of how those words hurt me.

anywhom... so, the girl is replacing my phone and a tech comes out to the counter. says that his store manager was back there and heard our conversation and didnt like anything that he heard, so for me not to worry, if anything happens to my phone, they will take care of me. they will not turn me away. they will do anything they can to make this right. they dont want me leaving mad. i told them, i am not mad with each of them as individual people. i am just frustrated with this situation and that no one would be willing to help me further. he said not to worry, i would be taken care of. so that was a relief. then the girl started up my new phone, and forced updates so that they could do them there. they said i should only get them about every 6 months, but when i do, bring it to the store to be done. fine with me. so an hour later, i left with my replacement phone.

i was told before i left that since i now have wireless backup for my contacts, that my contacts should be back on my phone in about 30 minutes. well, 5 hours later they still werent there. so i called the store. they said well, maybe give it about 24 hours, if they still arent there, call back. and wouldnt you know it, about 5 minutes after i got off the phone with the tech, my contacts popped up. hmmm...

but, so far (only 2 days in) it is still working. fingers crossed.

wow. that was long-winded!

okay, now for the medical update.
i have been on medical leave since may 15, 2009. tons of symptoms, no one can figure out what is going on. it has been almost 8 months, i have seen 17 doctors, been given about 20 different prescriptions, tons of tests and trial treatments... nothing is helping. the first neurologist i saw, dr mahmood, was terrible. he slacked on everything. he would be late to the office and my appointments, take cell phone calls during my appointments, i would show up for appointments (over an hour away from my house) and i would be told he didnt come to work and i need to reschedule - but no one called me ahead of time to tell me not to come, he told me i did NOT need an appointment to get test results - that i should call his office in 4 days and they would decide then what to do - i called 29 times in 19 days then finally showed up in person and asked for the office manager and told her my situation and she said that the dr had my test results, but since he didnt sign them before he went on vacation, they could not release the results for me. then when i did get the results, i was scheduled for another appointment that got pushed out twice in 3 months. this is not everything, and i wont list all of his incompetencies, but the final straw for me has been that i have 3 letters in his handwriting that write me off work due to disability, which i submitted to my employers medical leave center, but when the medical leave center sent him paperwork to fill out for my leave, he wrote that he had never taken me off work, and left the remainder of the forms incomplete. when i called his office about this, i was told that my medical records file was misplaced. needless to say, i have been talking with lawyers about him. but right now i dont have the money to do anything about it. so, my medical leave rep sent me a letter that my claim has been denied based what dr mahmood submitted. now i am in the appeals process, without pay, and if i am not able to return to work or get extended disability approved but april 2010, i am "separated" from the company.

two months ago i was referred to a new neurologist at a different hospital. dr jewett. yesterday, january 4th, 8a, was my appointment. they sent me a new patient packet i had to fill out and bring with me. so i did. i got there early. when i told the girl at the desk my name, she said she couldnt find me on the list, but that she was just filling in and the regular girl would be right back. i had a seat. then heard whispering and my name for a few minutes. i was called back to the window. they told me that on november 2 someone from their office rescheduled me for december 14 and i was a no show. what the heck?! nooo way! i was not at all happy, but i tried to stay calm. we'll figure this out. it's a new year and i need a new approach to things. they told me to have a seat while they sort it out. so i did. finally they called me back to a room. the nurse explained that on november 2 someone in their office called and left me a voicemail that my appointment had been changed to december 14. she also said that the dr was booked, so if i could stay, he would see me between patients. i said yes i would stay. but i also told her that i never received a message. i didnt want to start off on the wrong foot (me jumping down their throats) so i tried to keep calm and waited for the dr. he came in, said since he didnt have any file or records for me, he wanted me to tell him what was going on that brought me to him. so i started telling him from the initial onset of pain in april that landed me in the er. i got about 4 sentences in, and he was like "wait wait wait... tell me about such-and-such" so i did. as i would answer his questions about my symptoms, he would be "wait a second, you have this and this at the same time?" and i would say yes. and he would say that is not really possible, it's a mystery. and i would say, well, that is why i am here. this went back and forth with him writing on a blank sheet of paper since he had no file for me. and he would kind of shoot down what i was saying about my symptoms "you cant really have both of those at the same time." or " i've never heard of those 2 symptoms happening together." well, me fucking neither! i was getting frustrated, but i was quite pleased with myself for maintaining a civil attitude. so, he tells me, let's just stop right there and he'll have me put a gown on and he'll do an exam. so, he did the exam. i got re-dressed. and he said that he doesnt think i have anything neurologically wrong going on. he said that he would have to get my file, hopefully in the next couple days, and he would read through everything, but he really thinks i might need to see someone in the vascular field, because he's not sure it's neurological. i said, well, i have seen a vascular dr and that is who sent me to you, the neurologist. so the vascular thinks it is neuro, and the neuro thinks it's vascular. i also told him that the dr i see at the pain clinic thinks that i dont have one OR the other. he thinks maybe i have 2 or 3 different things going on, and other doctors are having a problem diagnosing because they are trying to lump them all together in one diagnosis... when maybe there is more than one. so, i left the office being told that they would not schedule me for another appointment until the dr reads my file and determines if he can possibly do anything for me.

i got out of there without shedding a tear. but as soon as i got in the car, and called my sister, i was bawling. i just dont know what to do. (and her come more tears).

when i got home and looked at my calendar for november 2, i called the nurse i had seen that morning. i told her that now that i have looked at my calendar, i know for sure that my phone was working that day. november 2 i had 2 dr appointments, and i got out of the first one early so i called the next dr to see if i could get in there early. so i know my phone was working, and i did not get a voicemail. i asked " suppose someone did leave a voicemail... is it customary for your office to reschedule an appointment with a voicemail and without ever talking directly to the patient?" she said no, not at all. and she reassured me that they know who this was and it will be taken care of within the office. and she apologized to me for the hundredth time. but that doesnt help me now. i am out a lot of time and pain and suffering already... and as time passes without help, i am worse off.

i called dr mahmood's office and made an appointment. they got me in january 28th, 845a. i told the scheduling girl i just wanted a check up. however, i am going to take all my paperwork in there, and confront him about getting my medical leave denied. i need to get a witness to go with me, and i might to try to borrow a tape recorder from someone so i can record the conversation. the only way i am going to get my retro-pay and keep my job is if this guy corrects what he sent to my employers medical leave center. medical leave rep sent me an outline of contradicting paperwork that dr mahmood sent. the speed bump is that someone within his office told me that portions of my file were lost. how convenient.

i am wicked afraid i am going to keep getting bounced around then next thing i know april will be here and nothing will be better and i will get fired. i have never been fired. and, i have been with this company for 7 years! 7 years! and even though i have been there 7 years, in the 8 months that i have been off, only 3 people (all of whom i knew outside of work) have kept in touch with me to see how i am doing. when i was still working, i used to make posters, and cards and collect money for get well cards and flowers and such for other people. for me, nothing. --now, dont get me wrong. like i said, there have been 3 people that have checked in on me. but they are people that i know outside of work, so i dont really group them in as co-workers. ya know? i just feel like i have been forgotten. and maybe since they dont care enough about me, i shouldnt care enough to want their concerns. i dont know. it just hurts.

i havent received any paycheck since september. 4 months. i have never had a credit card. which i am sure is good in a way, but right now, if i dont have cash, i dont have anything. i have been racking up debt to friends and family by borrowing money. i never borrow money. this is killing me. i am trying like hell to sell my house. i need to get out from under this mortgage. i have been talking with a friend of mine that is in real estate, and i think he is going to get with me next week to try to help me with the house. fingers crossed. i applied for state assistance, which i have never done before, but i have been told i am not eligible. it kills me that i see loser drug addicts feeding their junk lives with government money programs, yet i am a clean, honest, willing-to-work citizen, and i cant get a cent. blargh. i really believe anyone on any sort of government assistance should have to pass drug tests and child support background checks before they are issued driver's license and / or money of any kind. but what do i know?! i have been trying to sell some household stuff. as i am sure some of you have seen posted on my facebook, myspace, and craigslist. i just need something to bring in a bit of cash to float me until... well, i dont know until. until i get my medical leave appeal approved and i can get my paid medical leave i deserve. until i uncover winning lottery numbers. until i am miraculously healed.

okay, i have rambled enough for this morning.
i know that there are people worse off than me, and i do feel guilty as if my woes arent important... but they are. and i am trying all i can to take care of myself. and for me, a lot of the time, that is writing and getting it out. so, dont feel obligated to read what i write. but if you do read it, thank you for taking the time. for giving your time. i appreciate it more than you know.

much love to you and yours.
be well.

ps for those of you that have asked about other behind-the-scenes stuff with me... i'll get to that update later! thanks for caring!

**click to read collage**

04 January 2010

aaron lee tasjan - my whole life is over all over again

quick note

hey kids. i had an appointment with my new neurologist this morning. didnt go well. and my phone died last week. just got a replacement yesterday. that didnt go so well either. i have important stuff to accomplish today. but i will post the details later tonight for all of you that give a hoot. thanks for the well wishes and concerns. talk soon. much love. be well. ~angela