For those of you fortunate enough to have Love in your life...don't take it for granted. Love with all you have in you...like each day is the last. Always leave your partner with loving words and a kiss...and greet each other the same way. Cuddle as you fall to sleep...even if you stray in the night. Set your alarm 5 minutes early so that you can cozy up before starting your day. Sit on the same side of the booth in restaurants. Hide love notes for the other to find. Smile at each other. Hold Hands. Hug. Kiss. Touch...even if it's just hands passing in the hall or your foot to his foot in the middle of the night as you reposition in your sleep. It's the little things that mean the most. Whisper goodnight, sweet dreams and kiss him even if he's already sleeping. For those of you fortunate enough to have Love in your life...don't take it for granted. ~Angela Pearl
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08 February 2010

angela update junk

well, i dont think i have updated since my appointment with the 2nd opinion neurologist on monday february 1st. 2nd neuro says he cant help me. says that he doesnt think my pain is from anything neurological. but he also said that with the range of problems, he's not sure he could even suggest what specialty doctors i should try next. i asked him if it would help if i started coming back to the er when my tremors and other symptoms flared up. he said no. he said i have been in the er enough and that the er is not going to give me the specialized attention i need. so he is sending me back to the pain clinic. that was last monday at the neuro. i had an appointment friday at the pain clinic with my pain psychologist.

thursday i got my tax refund. i ran around and paid a ton of bills. i was actually happy to be able to pay bills for once! odd, i know. then i came home thursday evening to find a bill in my mail for my november 2009 - current medical insurance through my employer. lovely. $533.66 per month. so, roughly $1500. fabulous! it was too late in the evening to call, so i called first thing friday morning, before my pain psych appointment. i was told that while i am in the medical leave extension appeals process, and on unpaid leave from my employer, i am responsible for my own insurance. aaand... if i dont pay the insurance premiums by february 20th, my benefits will be retro-denied and they will retract all of the benefits' payments they made, and then i will be responsible for my complete medical bills since november. what a lovely way to start the day. but i need to get to my friday morning appointment... so i go.

i get to my appointment, and before i even check in, i tell them i would like to make a payment on my bill. they ask how much. i said $100. handed him the money. the guy takes my money, pulls up my account, and says "uuummm... i'll be right back." he comes back and tells me that i have a past due account. i said yes, i know this, that is why i am making a payment. my appointments there are considered outpatient, so i dont have a co-pay... it is always a percentage of whatever procedure i have done. i have been making payments when i can, so i thought i was fine. anywhom... he goes on to tell me that they will not schedule any more medical, occupational or physical therapy appointments until my bill is paid in full. fabulous. i ask how much it is... he hands me a stack of papers... $1100. yippee. grand. splendid. i take a seat in the lobby as i wait for what i imagine is going to be my last appointment in their office.

i get in with my pain psych. she says that she is billed separately, so she will continue to see me and she and i can work out our own payment arrangements. she says that she doesnt think i can handle any further rejection and that she really thinks i should keep seeing her on a regular basis. i completely agree. she is by far my favorite psych. believe me, i have seen plenty... she is wonderful!

so... my dilemma.

i need to pay $1100 asap in order to keep seeing my pain clinic doctors. not only do i need to figure me out, but i am going to need them to help me fill out tons of paperwork for my entry to the cleveland clinic. however, i need to pay $1500 by february 20th in order to keep my insurance to even be eligible to see these doctors... let alone go to cleveland clinic. and i have to be able to continue to pay $533.66 a month. on no income. how is it they cover your benefits while you are paid... then when you are in hardship they throw you on unpaid leave and tell you that you are responsible for all of your own benefits?!?! gaaa!

obviously, friday i was a wreck. i tried calling more lawyers... but no one is helpful. they are telling me my situation is not malpractice (the issue that all of this started when dr mahmood screwed up my medical leave application and got my leave denied). it's not criminal law. and other lawyers either represent my employer in some way, so the cant represent me... or they wont take my case because i dont have a specific diagnosis. what's a girl to do?!

i got home friday afternoon and went to bed. i had cried aaalll day and my head was going to explode.

saturday i got some medical records in the mail. i have put in requests for my medical records to every doc i have seen. only one has responded. well, saturday i got a ton. 88 pages to be exact. i started reading some of them. wonderful. there are dictation typos and errors that work against me. no wonder i have been having so many issues with my appeal! it's the weekend. i cant do anything about it. so i dont bother reading the entire thing. i'll worry about it monday.

monday (today) i call around to find out what i am suppose to do to get these errors corrected. they tell me that i can go thru all of the records, sticky note what needs correction, and bring them back to be amended. i wont bother detailing how their process works... but they said it will take a couple of weeks. i have to have all of my medical records and letter of appeal submitted in 3 weeks.

i know everyone keeps telling me to stay positive and all that junk... but i just dont know how this is going to work out. i dont know how to save my job. even if i get fired, i still have to pay the $1500 for insurance not to retract their payments. i should be worrying about getting better... not saving my job. i've been there 7 years. no one is helping me. actually, i feel like some of them are working against me. i'm getting emails and calls from my real friends saying that people i work(ed) with have been bad mouthing me like crazy. they think i'm faking it. they see me getting groceries or at the bank or something and since i'm not in a body cast, i must be faking. *grumble*blargh*grrr*

i have been getting a bunch of emails and notes and calls that i should read the bible and give my problems to god. really?! i have never taken to this way of thinking. i'm not judging my friends and family that do. please dont find this insulting. i just want to understand. if reading the bible really helped, wouldnt more people do it? my problems arent hot potatoes. i cant just "hand them over to god" and be like, "hey, i dont want these anymore, you can have them" and then everything is happy happy joy joy. so what is it "believers" see that i dont? PLEASE dont get me wrong. i do believe in god and/or a higher power. and i am not looking to be saved or born again. i think i was born okay the first time. i just want to understand.

"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion." Abraham Lincoln

"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." Dalai Lama

well, i hope you all know that i love you dearly and appreciate all of your support and concerns, hopes, well wishes, thoughts, prayers, vibes... etc...

much love.
be well.
~angela

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