hey there punks and kittens~~
i saw my dr at the pain clinic this morning. i was scheduled for my 3rd round of injections, but after a long talk, we decided to stop the injections and try some other stuff (since the injections dont seem to be helping). i will still be getting the lidocaine iv infusions, though. pain dr is referring me to a different neurologist at a different hospital than the previous (incompetent) neurologist i had seen before. he said it might take a couple of weeks to get in, but i have other appointments in the meantime, so it'll be fine. he wants me to have another round of brain and spinal MRIs since my previous set was back in may. also wants new / different blood workups. possibly another EMG (i'm not at all excited about that).
i see my primary care on monday 2nd (unless she gets a cancellation and i can get in sooner). pain dr wants me to discuss with my primary care about possibility of getting me on a med that might be able to cover the spectrum of pain, anxiety, and depression all in one. most of you know that i despise taking pills, but i'll do what i have to for now to get better as quickly as possible.
pain dr says he would not credit all of my current medical issues with stress and anxiety... but he says that they could be a HUGE factor as to why i am not improving. he's got me seeing a pain psychologist as well. actually, he is referring me to a new / different pain psych next time i go in. maybe new eyes and ears will notice something all of us havent yet. fingers crossed.
no more discussion of cleveland clinic just yet. pain dr said that is still going to be a last resort.
last week i was having some pretty miserable tremor days. most of you know that due to pain and lack of money i havent been getting out much. i just stay at "home". well, one night last week my sis and i went to a little holiday / food expo at the local auditorium. i had tremors terribly that day. tried to curl my hair but i couldnt function my hand to use the curling iron, dropped it on my foot. then i about lost all of my food at the expo when my tremors kicked in high gear as i was holding my food plate. sis saved my chocolate chip muffin in mid-air! thanks sis!
i know it seems like most of my recent posts are depressing. i dont mean them to be. i am just trying to figure it all out. (with all of my pain, i cant go to the batting cages to take out my frustrations, so i am writing) i have always been able to take care of myself and others... this current helplessness is new to me. i have been low on funds, but never BROKE, before. i have never been late on my mortgage in 5 years. and now i am having to file for homeowners hardship assistance. my paid medical leave benefit through my employer has been exhausted, so now i have ZERO income. i have $23 in my bank account. i honestly have no fucking clue how i am going to pay for anything at all. tomorrow morning one of the local churches is doing something they call "daily bread". every other week, this same church, takes donations from grocery stores that have day old breads and such and they allow those in need to come in and take what you need for your household. now, it's not like you take all you can get... you sign up for your household and they designate how many you can get. like 3 loaves sliced bread, 1 bag hamburger buns, 1 bag hotdog buns, 1 bag bagels or english muffins... and so on. i know i cant eat all of it myself before it goes bad, so i either dont take all i am allowed, or i take it to my sis or something. i've tried to convince sis that with her gang of kids, she should take advantage of this offering, but she hasnt been there with me yet. i kinda feel a little bad about it since i dont go to church... but a good friend of mine goes to that church and she says the church honestly does not care. they just want to help. side note, i feel like some people in line are judging me. this is a small town. i see people there that i know, know of me and where i work. they know that i have a "good" job with nice pay and benefits. they glare and stare. i know that they dont know my situation... and i shouldnt have to explain myself... but i still feel like i am stealing from the poor.
anywhom... what was i saying before that free bread rant?!
yeah, so, my dr(s) are not ruling out that my stress levels are impairing my healing process.
there are A LOT of things i dont (and cant) write about publicly right now. the main reason is that some things, well, i dont know what i can and cant say to keep my employment protected. i lost my medical leave job protection when i hit the 6 month mark, and they gave my specific job away. so now, i am still "attached" to the company, but i do not have a specific job to return to. i have until april 2010 to get better enough to return to work, or they will "separate" me from the company. april is 7 months away, which seems like forever... but i never in a million years thought i would be off this 6 months i have been off through now.
my sister and her boyfriend and their clan of rugrats finally found themselves a place bigger than my house. they moved out of my place a couple of weeks ago. so, i am now trying to get my house ready to sell. nothing fancy... i have no money and no physical energy, so i'm selling it as-is for the most part. i think i am just about close enough that i am going to try to have my first open house this coming weekend. for anyone interested, i'll be sure to post it and let you know. tell everyone you know! i have fliers with all the info if you want to pass it along to family and friends... or i can email the info to you. i just need to get out of this mortgage! i am currently renting from a friend's parents' rental property. it is super-duper cheaper and it gives me the open availability to to sell my place asap since it is empty and ready to go!
like i said, there are sooo many things going on in my life that you kids know nothing about. i dont want you to think that i am bitching without reason. and i'm sure that some of my rants come out wrong or misplaced since i have other troubles i am not at liberty to discuss, or out of respect for other people i just dont discuss them publicly. so, please bear with me when i vent. and please bear with me if i dont return emails, phone calls or texts right away. just because you might see me logged in to a website, does not mean i am staring at my computer. i leave it on a lot of times so that i dont have to wait for my computer's start-up cycles. i only "just" got my cell phone in february 2006. i did so because i had met a guy online that lived a few hours away and my family and friends we all freaked when i said i was going to meet him for the first time. they didnt shutup until i got a cell phone before i went to meet him. however, part of me knew that it would not always be used for good... that evil could come of it... and that evil is the fact that many people believe cell phones to be personal tracking devices rather than modern convenience. *eye roll* anywhom, as i was saying, if i dont get back with you right away, maybe it is because i want or need space, time, sleep, rest, blah blah blah. and thank you in advance for your respect.
okay, well, i dont know that i actually made any points in this post. sounds like just a bunch of rambles to me. seems like there were other things i wanted to address or discuss but i cant really remember them. suppose i am going to curl up with my doggies on the couch, heating pad on my head, and watch my housemate play his wii zelda until i drift to slumber.
thank you for all of your love, support, well wishes, cares, concerns, prayers, thoughts, vibes, meditations, and such!
i love you all oodles and bunches!