by now, most of you know that my home internet was disconnected. i couldnt pay the bill. i suppose it is a luxury anywhom. the library only allows 1 hour internet access per person per day. so what i decided to do is write on my home computer word program, save it to my memory stick, then just post it real quick at the library, therefore saving quality internet time! i'm such a smart cookie!
i have been checking email on my phone. there is a lag time on when my yahoo account will update on my phone. i havent figure out the specific amount of time. just wanted you to know that i dont get all the emails right away. aaand, internet on my phone drains my battery, so there's that, too.
last night i went to bed super early since i had to be up at 6a to make it to my early dr appointment in kalamazoo (1 hour drive 1 way). i barely slept. i was up about twice an hour every hour. no exaggeration. and of course, the more you *try* to sleep, the less likely you are to be able to sleep. tooo many thoughts and tooo much pain.
no new news with the docs. a couple weeks ago they did another blood draw to retest some labs they have been doing on a regular basis. not all of my blood work is back, but what has come back all came back "normal". whatever that means at this point. i'm not sure they even know.
found black dogs owner. i cant release many details right now. i'll be able to share more after this weekend. but i do know that it looks like i am keeping her. i'll fill you in on the details when i am at liberty. i know this may be a lot to ask, especially since i havent given you the complete details of the situation, but i need to ask my friends and family to please help me with dog food. if i only have bread and water, that is for me to deal with. i understand. my dogs dont understand. i realize that taking on a 3rd dog (just until i find her a forever home) might not be the smartest idea if i am having trouble keeping food for my own 2 dogs. but i know, without a doubt, that she will be much happier and get so much more love and attention with me. and in a way, it helps me. i cant do anything right now. i havent been able to do anything. (apparently i cant even write this without tears) i cant fold laundry or brush my teeth or wash dishes... etc... without increasing pain. but just being able to sit with my dogs, and black dog, and let them know they are loved and i will do anything for them... it helps me feel needed and feel like i am doing something. even if it is just sitting with a dog and letting it know i care. so i am asking for help to get some dogfood for these 3 girls. KaiYin is the only one with a specific diet. i dont have money for her white rice and cottage cheese diet that the vet recommends. but the only dogfood that hasnt yet upset her tummy (we've tried them all) is the purple bag, dry food, iams active maturity for 7+ years old. the other two, Loki and Black Dog, they dont care what they eat.
i know things are tight for everyone these days. and i dont want you feeling pressured or obligated to help us. if you want to make a "loan" and not a "donation" just let me know what i owe you. believe me, i have an IOU list that i can add you to! and I WILL PAY YOU BACK! IF I OWE YOU MONEY, I WILL PAY YOU BACK!
i've received a few emails and comments during conversation that i would like to clear up.
one is "at least there are always credit cards". this is not the case for me. i am 33 years old and i have never had a credit card. so i am not able to "get by", without a paycheck, on credit cards, like some people do. i havent had a paycheck since september. closing in on 5 months without a dime of income or government assistance. believe me, i've tried! read my previous posts if you would like to know more. what i am trying to say is this, if i dont have cash, i dont have any money. now, i am not trying to make you feel sorry for me. i have been trying to sell stuff from my house and storage unit to make some cash to pay bills. i few of my friends and family have helped when they can, but like i said, times are tough for everyone. even if you cant afford to help me, if you know someone looking for a fridge or stove or something, send them my direction! that's enough for me! hell, if you know someone looking to buy a house, even better!
another comment is a wide range, but "at least you dont have to go to work" is the underlying message. i would love to be able to work right now! i never thought i would be saying that! this is not a vacation for me! in the hopes of selling my house quickly, i put everything into storage. so now, this house is pretty much empty. all that is here is the dining set i am trying to sell, my nephew's old twin bed that the dogs and i sleep in, and my teevee (which i am also trying to sell). i literally only have a suitcase of clothes. everything else i own is in storage! everything! my teevee only gets 2 channels, pbs and travel channel. big woop. i'm not a teevee addict anywhom. but with nothing else to do, the limited options suck. and now that i dont have internet, i'm almost completely disconnected. so i sit here, all day and night, alone with my dogs, me in pain, with tooo many thoughts in my head. this is not a vacation. this is miserable. with my hand / arm / shoulder pain and limitations, i cant hand-write or draw much at all. defiantly not able to attempt guitar pickin. and i havent been able to make any of my hand-bound journals to sell. i'm stuck.
i'm drowning. and i dont expect any of you to float in a cruise ship and sail me away... but if anyone has a life preserver, i would greatly appreciate it!
right now the help i am asking for is dogfood. did i mention that?! sorry if i am dragging this out.
i keep my heat down and just layer on the clothes. i have just about every blanket and sheet that i own on the bed so my dogters and i can curl up and keep warm together. they are like my little space heaters! i dont do laundry until i have a full load. i wear layers and layers of clothes. stocking hats, gloves and scarves at all times. i use as little water as possible (unless my pain is really really bad then i take a hot shower to help ease it a bit). i dont want anyone to think i am being frivolous. i dont want you to think if you loan me money i'm going out to eat or clothes shopping. i just need enough to get by.
i am hoping to get my tax stuff in the mail next week. since i only worked about 4 months last year, and the remaining pay i did get was medical pay, and i didnt get any pay from september - current, i dont know what is going to happen when i file my taxes. i cant imagine i will owe anything... but i also havent been able to make a house payment for 4 months. do they garnish any of that from my tax refund? i dont know how all of this works. i have never been in a situation like this before.
well, i am going to stop for now with my sob story. gonna run this up to post online at the library. then home to curl up with my dogters and take a nap (since last night's slumber was a failure).
thanks again and always for your support and love and thoughts and prayers and vibes and smoke signals and everything. if you need my phone number or address for any reason, let me know, or get with someone who prolly knows. please be considerate about sharing my digits and such. if you are not sure, just ask me. for instance, if you want to continue to be my friend/family, i would not advise giving my contact info to... let's say... my high school sweetheart's fiancee, or the guy at the local "cash for gold" place that keeps emailing me on myspace... use your noggin!
and on that note...
I LOVE YOU OODLES AND BUNCHES!
GO HUG SOMEONE!
and hey... send me some updates about you and yours! i am going insane with my own "life"... fill me in on yours so i can escape mine for a while!