well, i knew today wasnt going to be great. but it seems like the unexpected is always hovering around me.
in the past i have suffered from night terrors. i think i am somewhat mid-range between nightmares and night terrors at this point. most recently i have been having terrible awful miserable nightmares. last night i went to sleep about 1130p on the couch. i fell into a terrible nightmare i couldnt get out of. foreseeing what i thought was going to happen in my nightmare, i felt like i was trying to wake myself up but i couldnt. i kept thinking "i need to get out of this!" i know they say dreams are only a few minutes long and that you have many many dreams throughout slumber... but for some reason your mind holds on to certain things and makes you feel as if you have dreamed the same thing all night long. anywhom... i felt like i was in this nightmare and never getting out. next thing i knew, michael (my roommate) was saying my name and touched my arm. i jolted awake with a blood-curdling scream that dogs for miles around probably heard. i was crying uncontrollably. michael said he heard me crying from the bedroom and came out to see if i was okay. it was about 130a. i had apparently been sobbing in my sleep because my face and pillow were covered in tears and i was sweating like crazy. i dont know what happened. i dont know where this shit comes from. i told michael that these pains in my head probably have nothing to do with medical issues... they are probably lost or dead souls coming through. i dont know. i was just trying to lighten up and calm down. make a sorta funny about it. he got me some water and tissue as i tried to calm down. i was 1000% expecting a girl who i believed was named mary to be reaching for me. but trust me, i was relieved when it was michael!
when i was younger i would have these ridiculous nightmares as well. if they could even be considered nightmares. i remember one time when i was maybe 12 years old, my sister and i shared a room. i woke up in the middle of the night and saw a little girl knelt down between our beds, with her arms crossed and resting on the side of my bed, facing me. she had crazy long hair and the first thing i thought of was it was my mom as a little girl. i actually spoke aloud and said "mom?" then she widened her eyes at me and if freaked me out and i threw myself under my blankets. i was laying down totally covered head to toe. keeping myself covered, i started to sit up, indian-style, and as i did i could see the girl sitting the same way under the blankets with me! i screamed bloody murder and my parents came running in. as soon as they turned on the light, she was gone. i remember that like it happened 5 minutes ago. i will never forget her face.
i do believe in reincarnation, afterlife, in-between life, alien life... all of it. i know many religious folk disagree with that... but the way i see it, it cant be proven or disproved... kinda like god. right? i mean, the bible is "just a book" when it comes down to it. just because you believe it doesnt make it real. and just because you dont, doesnt mean it doesnt exist. that's all probably for a different time, though.
i was telling michael today that if i wasnt somehow emotionally attached and felt trapped / stuck in these nightmares, they would make really great scary movies. horror movies havent been that great as of late. these would be movies i would be watching on the edge of my seat. but when i'm in them, even kinda as a viewer not always a participant, they are scary beyond belief. i was saying maybe i should do some hypnosis and have it video-recorded and see what happens.
i was talking more about what happened last night and michael said "that's was one of the first things you said to me last night... well, after AAAAAAA!" what i said was, "these arent my dreams. they're not mine" you know how your dreams are kinda familiar? like they are "yours". even if you dont think you know the house or a person or whatever, it's still "your" dream. kinda like, you can tell a musician's song even if you havent heard that specific song before. the song carries the same personality of sorts from that musician. or for lack of a better example, you know when youre watching a tarantino film. well, i know these are not my dreams. they are not. and i've not really been a participant (yet) per se... i'm more like an outsider looking in that the scary person sees and comes to get. anywhom... i'm sure needless to say at this point (but i'ma sayin it) i havent been sleeping well. no i am not on meds of any kind right now. no i did not watch a horror movie marathon or eat spicy food before i went to sleep. i dont know what the deal is. if you have any thoughts, feel free to share them.
i'm going to end this post for now. i know i need to fill you in on my appointment with the immunologist from this morning... but i'm still playing phone tag with 2 dr offices and the medical leave center through my employer. let me just say, this is hell. i need more than luck right now, but if you gots any to spare, send it my way!
so, i will try to write more tonight. we'll see how i feel. my right side (shoulder, arm, hand) are killing me. my shoulder blade feels like it is going to erupt from my back.
thanks, again, for reading my rants. even if no one reads this, it feels good to just get it out.