hey there punks and kittens~~
here we are ~ at my first post. i have in my mind how i would like this page to evolve. i'm hoping it will all play out on-screen as it does in my head and my heart. sometimes ~many times~ words cannot be used for certain emotions, feelings, expressions and the like. what i am going to share on this page is 100% me. uncensored. i have been keeping "journals" for many many years. i have decided to use this site as an open-journal of sorts. some past, some present.
i journal 3 different ways. all depends on my mood at the time and which form best expresses what i am trying to convey. i started, as i'm sure many people do, written journals. sometimes while searching for words, i would sketch on my journal pages. ( many know that i have been drawing since i could hold a crayon! ) after a while, i would sketch more and just jot down thoughts around the sketches. at some point during all of that i started cutting things out of magazines. i had bags and files of all these things i had clipped. i bought a few photo albums. the 3-ring binder kind with the plasticy peel-back covers. i started collaging my cut-outs into a clipping journal. i like having these different formats to express myself. sometimes, i cant conjure the words i want so i end up sketching. other times i cant draw just what i am looking for, but i can maybe find it in a book or magazine. i would really love to get back into painting. but i dont have the means to accommidate that love, right now.
i have decided to share this with all of you for somewhat selfish reasons. i feel like i am not truly understood. who is, right? well, there are many people in my life that i feel only know parts of me that they want to know and / or believe. for some people in my life, i have felt it necessary to ~let's say "sugar-coat"~ myself for them. i dont like that. not at all. many times i feel like i'm a misleading movie trailer. only showing the attractive parts to reel you in, then once you see the full movie you're like "that's not at all what i expected!" that can be good and bad. i want to leave some stuff to mystery and the getting-to-know-you part of my relationships... but i also want to step out into the sunlight for so many people that dont see the real me... and from so many people that i feel push me to the dark corner. why should i hide for fear of making you uncomfortable? that only makes me uncomfortable!
i want to be able to be myself and be loved for who i am. dont we all?! if you dont like what you see, that's your choice. i cant control that. and i'm not trying to. i've said this before... i think everyone should be their true self to everyone you meet. otherwise, you get deeper into a relationship and think, "yeah, i'm comfortable, i can be me now." and once you start showing your true colors later, the other person / people are wondering who the hell you are now and what happened to the person they thought they knew? no one wins.
most of my art is dated. and "you're so vain" has played around in my head while deciding what to post. please don't read anything in to what might or might not pertain to specific people. at times, memories will resurface years later bringing a flood of junk and / or beauty that i need to get out of my head and heart and onto the page. so just because something has a specific date, doesn't mean it pertains to a person or people from that day in my life.
i'll leave you this this first look at one of my collages. please do not hesitate to comment... or send me an email if you have something more private you dont want posted on the site.