10 July 2009
"this day's got to get better"
today is apparently going to be one of those days. not by choice... believe me, no one chooses this junk. and i wouldnt wish it on anyone, either. i've never been afraid or ashamed to talk about my depression. i think that is because i am constantly hoping for someone else to reach out and meet me in the middle. or maybe i just want to be understood. depression cannot be controlled. i get even more irritated when people say things to me like "just think happy thoughts" or "you need to try to be more positive" ~~ it doesnt work that way! i can be having the best day ever and then i get struck by a depression lightening bolt and i'm crying in the middle of a perfect day. that's just the way it is. i despise taking meds for any reason. i've been told by about 6 different doctors over the years that i have "situational depression". i think that is such a generic term. i think everyone could say that is their "problem"... change your situation and you wont be depressed! well, no shit! i have suffered this emotional yuckiness for as long as i can remember. i moved away from this miserable town about a month after i graduated high school in 1995. lived in 5 states since then. michigan, florida, indiana, arizona, and north carolina. i visited new york city march 2008 and fell in love with it! i have been doing just about all i can to get myself out there again. however, i am also contemplating los angeles. i havent been there yet, but i really want to visit before i decide between nyc and la. anywhom... i have been back in this town i grew up in for over 6 years now. 6 years ago i thought i would only be here for a quick stop, passing through to help with some family stuff, then moving on for my own reasons. 6 years later i am still here. i feel like i am stagnating. i adore and love my family and the few friends i have here so very very much. they know that. but they also want what is best for me. and i want what is best for them. i have tried to get a few of them to possibly move with me... but to no avail. and that is fine. everyone has a different happiness. i know they say "happiness is not a destination, it's a journey." i somewhat agree with that. i am trying to enjoy what i can... but there is just nothing here that makes me happy happy. ya know? everyone i know has something or someone that makes them happy and keeps them here. i dont feel like i have that connection. i have the love of my family and i know that will never fade... no matter where i live. i have the friendships of a few select people that i will always cherish and feel i never deserve(d).
i have been hurt and used and taken advantage of in my life of more than i talk about. i believe that is why i keep such a small circle. i know that i am a giver. i know that i am a good person. i am not trying to sound arrogant. i am just trying to get these thoughts and feelings out to be shared. i will do all i can to help humans and animals alike. if you are a true friend of mine, no doubt you have seen or felt my giving nature first hand. even strangers have been on the receiving end of my generosities. i do animal rescue and have been a foster home to many dogs and cats until i found forever-homes for them. i send individually hand-written christmas cards by the dozens to homeless shelter residents. that's just the kind of stuff i like to do. i do have a couple of friends that are wonderfully giving and helpful to me that i could never repay. however (without going into detail) i have had more people hurt me, literally without explanation, and i just dont understand that.
i do understand that one of my depression issues stems from not only the emotional roller coaster listed above, but also from the on-going search to find out what is wrong with me physically. the doctors have been running so many tests and exams and transferred me from one specialist to the other... and still, no answers. no diagnosis. as well as no treatments. so i am still in pain, but nothing is currently being done about it. this is draining... physically and emotionally.
this is getting much deeper than i originally planned on writing today. it's now midnight30. i started writing this about noon. i've been back and forth and edited out quite a bit. maybe i'll re-enter those thoughts some other time.
for today, basically and overall, i just want(ed) someone to notice when i am having a bad day and try to make it easier for me... or easier on me. not necessarily go out of their way... but just be more sensitive and aware... and be tender. i am a huge talker, but i dont like to talk much when i'm in the midst of a black day. i dont know about most of you, but i dont like to make decisions when i am down. i dont like being asked questions or advice. i want someone to take care of me now and again. but not be pushy about it. i want to be left alone -- but i want someone waiting in the wings if i do need something. so many times i have been the person to drop off a sweet card or flowers out of the blue... soup when i hear a friend is sick... a small gift i saw while shopping that made me think of you... having a meal ready when someone gets home or wakes up since i know they had a long day... so many little things i feel dont mean as much if you have to ask for them. ya know? now, dont get me wrong -- i know i have a reputation for disliking unannounced house guests. so i understand that some people might be hesitant. i think it's just that, if i am doing any of the above, i do it, say a few nice words and leave. i dont linger and make small talk. i let the person be, but just want them to know someone is thinking about them.
i never used to be this way about unexpected house guests. i think it gets worse the longer i am here. i dont want to be here ( in this town ). i dont want to be seen here or known here. i want out so badly. but with all my medical situations right now, it's impossible for me to leave. i have a decent paying job with medical benefits that i need more than ever right now. so leaving is not an immediate option. but believe me, it's in the works.
i just want to be happy. i think we all do. and since i cant make myself happy right now... i hope i can make someone else happy. i know i havent been very social with my local community of friends and family. i have prolly been more social with my online friends and family due to the fact that i can sorta regulate that better. ( i hate the way that sounds. )
anywhom... i'm going to end this tangent, for now, and hope tomorrow is a better day. although i have my doubts. tomorrow is austin's going away party. austin is my 14 year old nephew. i love him with my entire being. his dad has been gone since he was about 5. my sister has tried the best she could to raise him on her own -- with the help of our wonderful family. he's more like a community son to all of us rather than a grandson or nephew. but my sister has decided to let him move to tennessee to live with his dad. maybe this will be better for him. as hard as we have tried with him, and as much as i would like for our efforts and love to be enough... maybe he'll bloom with his father. i really hope he doesnt get hurt. he hasnt lived with his dad -- so i'm hoping he's not disappointed after all these years fantasizing what it would be like. my heart is breaking over this on top of everything else. but, we all have different needs and wants. austin wants to live with his dad right now. i want to live in new york. why should i try to keep him from happiness just because of his age or because i dont want to lose him? i shouldnt. and i do hope everyone is happy and loved in the end.
i will end this with a few quotes that feel like today...
This day's got to get better. ~Chris Caris
There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. ~Robert Louis Stevenson
Every heart has its secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad. ~Longfellow
Those have most power to hurt us, that we love. ~Francis Beaumont
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. ~Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry. ~John Webster
Nobody heard him, the dead man, but still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought and not waving but drowning. ~Stevie Smith